It's all gone horribly wrong between my sisters and I feel caught in the middle.

[EleanorHandbasket]

I'm just looking for some outside persectives really, I can't see the wood for the trees.

I used to be a Childminder, and looked after my sister's DC, she was bossy and micro managed my day, was late picking up more often than not (she used to phone an hour after pick up time to say she was just leaving work!), sent the children to me poorly and 'negotiated' to only pay me for the hours I had them, ie not when the eldest was at preschool for three hours a day.

Despite all this, I loved having the children and tolerated her behaviour towards me far longer than I should have, really. A year ago it all got a bit much and I gave up CMing entirely and now work ft out of the house.

My younger sister registered as a CM and took over with sister1's children. She has had all the same issues. On top of this, my youngest niece (2) has started biting, and has bitten sis2's younger child several times, badly. After nearly a year, sis2 decided, after much thought, that it really wasn't working, and gave Sis1 four weeks notice. A week later DN gouged, scratched and bit sis2's baby terribly (lots of blood, it was pretty horrific tbh) and Sis2 said enough was enough, with immediate effect.

She didn't leave her in the lurch, she spoke to our parents first and arranged for my mum and dad to step in until September, when DN was due to start almost ft nursery anyway.

Still with me? Sorry if it's long and boring complicated.

Sis1 is absolutely FURIOUS and so is her DH. I didn't see her for a couple of weeks after all this and when I eventually saw her at the weekend she was really ranting, horribly so, about how sis2 is not cut out to be a CM and that as family she shoudl be more flexible about lateness and illness and biting. She isn't speaking to her and is spitting with rage about the whole thing.

Back when I was first talking about stopping CMing (I gave her three months notice by the way), we talked about Sis2 looking after my DS2 (also 2) and sis1 finding alternative (ie not family) care. Sis1 went mad at us and said that as I was leaving her without childcare she got 'dibs' on sis2. This was fine and I have used a combination of different CMs since then, with DS2 going to my sister one day a week on the day my nieces don't go.

So now that all this has happened, sis2 has asked if she can have DS2 full time, which I am very happy with as I'd rather he went to the same CM all week. On a purely financial level, sis2 will make the same money from my one child than she has from our two nieces, due to the unpaid preschool hours across the week. And it's a much shorter day as DH and I work differing hours so he is home in time for school pick up.

So sis1 is convinced that sis2 is giving up for an easier life, and just refuses to see that she is in fact a bloody nightmare parent from a CM point of view. When I said than no CM would take a biter for long, particularly not after the fifth or sixth incident of drawn blood, she got really defensive and shouty.

I have tried patiently explaining that no CM would put up with the lateness (up to two hours, and more often than not) let alone everything else, and her response to that was that she can't just walk out of work on time if she's needed and we shoudl be more understanding as she's family. She is an office manager by the way not a surgeon...

So that's where we're at, I have no idea what else to say to her when she rants but I am not prepared to listen to her slagging off sis2 (who is bloody lovely tbh) when we have all, as a family, gone way above and beyond with childcare for her.

Oh, god, I'm sorry this is so long, bravo if you make it through. I think I just needed to get it off my chest.

I'm so stressed about this because if it comes down to a big family row it will be awful, so so far everyone is tiptoeing around sis1 and being all gentle with her but honestly I think I';m going to blow if she keeps ranting about it.

[diddl]

She sounds hard work!

And yet she has been further enabled by having her childcare reorganised for her!

So her way of treating you all works, doesn't it!!

[BranchingOut]

I too remember your old threads and am relieved that you are no longer CMing for her.

But do you really need to be involved this time? It sounds as if it is between DSis1 and DSis2.

[Quitelikely]

She sounds like a farce. Show her this thread. That might do it.

[NMFP]

But she was still late. She responded to the 'crisis' of her partner being unable to pick up by expecting others to accept the inconvenience.

She should have asked her employer to let her leave in time or arranged for the CM arrangement to be extended for an hour or two.

It must be hard for her with his accident but it doesn't justify lying.

[EleanorHandbasket]

To be fair, her DH was picking them up (on time!) but he had an accident eight weeks ago and has been unable to work or drive, so it fell back on my sister.

[NMFP]

She told me that she was NEVER late picking up from sis2. Well, except for every day over the last eight weeks,

It's impossible to negotiate with people like this. She knows she was late and she knows you know. But she believes her own crap while she's spouting it, and there's no going on from there. And she'll be telling her husband and work colleagues how awful you are so they'll agree with her and validate her point of view.

My brother is like this. Inconvenient truths simply get discarded. It's immensely frustrating.

Broken record is the only way - 'I stopped childminding because it wasn't working for me'

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Since you have all enabled her unreasonableness for years it will be hard to stop now and may lead to a huge fallout. I would be doing it though! I can't bear people who are so selfish and entitled and they only get worse when everyone placated them.

[Walkacrossthesand]

matilda makes a very important point. Remember that sis1 will not be 'learning from her experiences' like most of us would - she just thinks everyone is being unreasonable.

When nursery 'expel' her, or, later, DC is ill and can't go to school/she needs school holiday childcare (another whole can'o'worms a'coming there!!) she will be straight onto you & Dsis expecting you to pick up the slack as 'famlee'.

I think you are going to have to be very firm, and brace yourselves for repeated rages and blow ups, for many years to come. This woman needs a nanny and then an au pair. bet she'd get through them like sand through a funnel, too.

[OddBoots]

It really sounds like they have been taking the mickey with you and your other sister.

Maybe her dh needs to start picking up his children if your sis1 has to work later, as it has been her family doing the childcare up to now maybe he didn't feel he needed to be involved.

[Jenny70]

If her job is so vital she needs to "book" and pay for childcare later each day, or negotiate an overtime penalty rates.

Biting is hard to overcome, as the biter gets instant reward for what they want and even if their punishment is quick, they take time to learn other strategies. But hard as it is to overcome a shrug isn't ever the right answer to fixing it.

In a way your family allows her to do this, your sis has stepped in and taken over from you, she has lined up your mum to take over now. When does your demanding sister step up and take responsibility??

[Lilaclily]

I too have read your threads over the years
There was a problem with sil too wasn't there and her pfb ?
I was so pleased to hear you'd stopped cm'ing

You really need to disengage from this situation
I know it's hard but keep saying to sis1 'I'm sorry your childcare is not my problem '

[Cyclebump]

I am one of three sisters and when it all kicks off its spectacularly awful so I sympathise with your sense of dread.

But she's being completely ridiculous and selfish. No other CM would put up with her behaviour (lateness etc) and nor should they. I am also the mum of a DS who went through a nasty biting phase and it is mortifying and awful so perhaps she is embarrassed and defensive and ts affecting her perspective. However, not every CM will take a biter and I know why (DS drew blood more than once).

Try not to blow but you are not bring a all unreasonable to support your CM sister and it's going to be a rough ride when it all comes to a head

[BalloonSlayer]

On reflection, I should also advise to a certain extent backing off and letting the two of them get on with it. How supportive was DSis2 when you had problems being CM to DSis1, did she wade in and defend you . . . ? I am guessing "not very" or at best "not involved." (If she had really believed you about DSis1's behaviour she is unlikely to have taken on minding her DCs). You have history of being a bit of a scapegoat in your family; you've been proved right here, don't try and mediate as it could backfire on you.

[Matildathecat]

Agree with above, stick with the stuck record approach.

But, I foresee another problem later. When she is stuck for childcare in the future due to the fact that no other CM or nursery will take a poorly child, either you or dsis2 will be getting last minute panic calls demanding that you step in and take said child. Better forewarned...

Hope you get sorted without any fallout. Just out of interest what do your parents think/ say?

[BalloonSlayer]

Agree with the others.

Stuck record.

"You want a nanny but you only want to pay for a childminder."

"No CM will tolerate her own DCs being badly bitten. No job is worth that."

"You were very lucky in DSis2 and me but you took the piss."

[lljkk]

I think that I would go to great pains to avoid any private conversations with Sis1 for the foreseeable future.

[Holdthepage]

"You are expecting a nanny service for CM prices". Just keep repeating every time she brings it up.

No one likes conflict in the family but outrageous behaviour should not be tolerated either. Your sis has been getting her own way & riding roughshod over you with her childcare needs. It's about time someone stood up to her.

[toyoungtodie]

My sister was a bully and my brother has gone NC and so have I now. I never was close to her like you are anyway. However, she was a ranter and it really frustrated her when I remained absolutely silent as she went on and on. In the end she used to run out of steam and I still remained silent. That way I did not engage or join in with her totally out of order slagging off of my brother and his wife , or who ever. It was no good saying anything for or against her argument anyway , as when she was ranting she was determined to pick a fight. Your sister can't see reason at the moment so you need to stay out of it. Everything will blow over in time and you need to be able to sleep. It is NOT your fault.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sometimes being 'the bad guy' is a good & necessary thing. Being the bad guy means you have got to a stage where you are really not bothered what others think. Being the bad guy means having an unpopular opinion but having the courage & assertiveness to express it anyway. The bad guy might have fewer friends but at least they can sleep nights rather than feeling eaten up with frustration and resentment. When you set aside the self-imposed & unrealistic constraints of needing everyone to like you all the time I think you can finally say you've grown up.


.... just a thought.

[Skina]

I'd blow. From what I remember of your threads and posts over the years, your sister is a bloody grabby and selfish nightmare. Yes, you have all pandered to her, but I totally 'get' that it's easier to go with the easy option to keep the peace.

You always seem to come out as the bad guy in every spat it seems - this is not right and not fair. At all. She has to realise that a. her kid can't go around biting (none of mine have ever bitten, so it's not the norm, despite what she apparently thinks) and b. the whole world does not revolve around her. She's a fucking office manager, not an A&E consultant ffs. Her company will not collapse because an email or memo haven't been sent.

[notapizzaeater]

I'd smile sweetly and tell her again and again no one will put up with a biter and let her find alternative then see how she gets on, a few weeks of the "rules" she'd be grateful for what she had.

[MaryWestmacott]

oh and yes, you have taught her for years that her behaviour is right by backing down, you took her DCs when ill, you should have refused. You agreed to not be paid for the pre-school hours, you should have refused/given notice, every time there was a conflict, by putting up with it, you taught her that her way was right. Bit late now, but at the first piss take you should have given her notice. She has had years of believing this is how you treat childcare providers, then of course she thinks she's right still.

[QueenofallIsee]

I am totally in agreement that the only way that you and your younger sister will be able to have a good family bond with your niece and other sister is if you are not CM's for her. You really don't need to make her see your POV here, just calm 'We will have to agree to disagree, I think Dsis2 has been reasonable here'

She will only really see the reality of the situation once she engages child care outside the family

[MaryWestmacott]

Then I think you need to stop trying to make her think she has to change her behaviour, but at least change the childcare she uses to fit her behaviour, so "I have an important job and can't just walk out" should be met with:

"then you can't use nurseries and childminders where there's a clear end point of 6pm for childcare, if you can't be back before 6pm then it's not suitable childcare for you, you need to pay for a nanny where you set their hours.

You want Dsis2 to act like a nanny but she's a childminder, that's where the conflict comes from. You want a nanny service where you can be flexible with pick up times, you should hire someone where you explain that at the start.

You aren't wrong to not be able to walk out of work at a set time, you are wrong to use a childcare provider that hasnt agreed to flexible times. If you need to get home later than the last train, you can't just expect the train company to put on a later train for you, you have to use an alternative form of transport, just because you'd rather use the train, doesn't mean you can if the times don't work for you. Childcare's no different, the timings of a childminder or nursery don't fit your job, so you need to use something else.

Can you garentee you'll be able to do pick up on time every day from September for nursery? If not, you need to start thinking now about finding a childcare solution that does work for your job, because they won't just put up with it and grumble a bit. Be realistic about what you actually need, it's not a childminder and it's not a nursery."

[cozietoesie]

The trouble is that if she's the person she's coming across as, she'll likely lay the blame for that (in-family and oustide-family) on her sisters and parents. I'm not suggesting that everyone cave to her (quite the opposite) but I think she sounds like a continuing problem who is going to have to be dealt with in some way rather than leaving it to others outside the family.