How does a guy find the right girl

[seekingsoulmate]

Hi all, wondered if anyone could offer me some advice. I'm a 35 year old guy, positive approach to life, good company and romantic, and a bit shy. I'm a really decent and genuine guy but I'm pretty lonely and want to try and get my personal life to actually work! I could do with a bit of advice on finding the right girl for me, I've dated and want to do so again, just could do with a few tips.

[NearTheWindymill]

But at least if you focus on other things, you make a satisfying life for yourself when you get a partner or not. I may be biased. I met my DH when I had given up men and was inundated with dates 27 years ago when I was young and slim. Eek - that means I've almost been with DH for half of my whole life

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Near I am never sure about the cliché of "when you stop looking so hard it usually happens" sort of advice because while, obviously, it has happened to people, if you want a new job, or a new car, or a new house, or a new hobby, you have to go out and find them. Very rarely has anyone said that if you want a new job, stop looking, and one will magically appear!

The usual advice is always join more clubs, do more things, you are more likely to meet someone that way. When the truth is that the whole thing is LUCK. Sorry, but it is. I know people who have been single for years, do not give off bad or desperate vibes, are fascinating, attractive, belong to umpteen clubs but never ever meet anyone single or available. I know people who've done online dating and rarely got a date, people who've been on loads of dates but never clicked with one person and someone who met their now husband on their first ever online date.

[FolkGirl]

smile

[Smilesandpiles]

After reading these answers I wouldn't be surprised if the poor bugger decided to stay single.

[NearTheWindymill]

I love being called a girl and I'm 54.

OP I think you find the right one when you stop looking so hard and stop being anxious about it. You might find the right one you might not but either way you need to ensure your life is fulfilling and that you have interests other than work. I'd stop looking if I were you and set yourself some other goals.

Read a good book once a month (gives you a topic of conversation)
Make sure you watch a new film/play once a month - go on your own if you have to (gives you a topic of conversation)
Learn something new: Bridge, the piano - anything that takes your fancy
Join something - book club, wine society, tennis club, church, political party, amnesty international.

Funnily enough if you have interests you love and pursue you are likely to find someone like minded and be far more successful at meeting someone than through a dating site.

[Tiggywinklespinny]

Can you maybe give us an idea of what you've written for your profile?

Might be helpful to know how some women might possibly interpret it and give you some help?

[FolkGirl]

We can reclaim it, Madrigals.

But it still might mean something different for the men that use it.

Just as long as we, and they, are aware of that, people can use whatever word they chose.

[FolkGirl]

NotNew I think the point is that when you're OD, you do use very simple, very quick filters to place people in the Yes/No pile.

I wasn't really suggesting that he did have that attitude, but that the use of the word might suggest that attitude and if I read in a profile that someone was looking for a 'girl', I'd close it because to me it does signify something.

I equally closed profiles where the man referred to themselves as a 'typical/average/ordinary bloke' because that's not the sort of man I want. Rightly or wrongly, I read that and see cans of lager, package holidays to Spain, football shirts, and Saturday night telly, and hear ill informed DF type opinions. Which is the antithesis of what I am looking for. They're right for someone, just not me.

Anything you can do to avoid filtering yourself out, unintentionally, is a good thing.

In my main photo I was wearing an item of clothing that I knew would be a filter. I still think it's one of the reasons I didn't get contacted by the sort of man I definitely wouldn't want, because they'd have seen that picture and immediately put me in the 'no' pile.

Those who thought, "hmm, that's a bit quirky, I'll see what she's about..." sometimes made a different decision. A lot of the first messages I received included a compliment on it, so they had noticed...

I think that as much as we might intend to include some filters, there are others that we may be unaware of.

I find what you said quite interesting/amusing (not that you've said it, but that it was the case) about the use of the Notting Hill thing, I didn't see that once!! and I would filter out someone who used a reference like that.

And I suppose as far as the FolkGirl moniker goes, when I'm in my 'hippy hat' and playing my guitar and singing in a folk club somewhere, or sitting in a field at a festival with my friends I do feel more like a carefree girl than the woman who makes the packed lunches and pays the bills. And sometimes I like to embrace that side of me. But it's not all that I am...

[NotNewButNameChanged]

Folk - I get where you are coming from, but just because someone happens to use the word girl in a thread doesn't necessarily imply he's controlling or that he probably can't find a partner because he refers to women as girls and he must therefore have a certain attitude towards women.

When I was online dating I saw plenty of women refer to themselves as girls and men as boys. And if I saw the old Notting Hill "I'm just a girl, looking for a boy" once I saw it fifty times.

I find it a bit OTT that people on this thread would be put off someone solely by the use of that one word UNLESS it was obviously being used in a derogatory sense.

[FolkGirl]

And the comments were lighthearted and did come with some useful insights/advice from experience (from me at least)

Most people, IMO, don't go through life intending to offend/irritate people, and most would rather know if they are doing so unintentionally.

[FolkGirl]

NotNew I think it's more relevant that this was a thread started by a man who was wondering why he was unable to find a partner/girlfriend when he was able to meet women, talk to women and have friendships with women.

The bottom line is, that in those cases, it can quite often be quite small things that we are unaware of that are putting other people off.

I'm not actually hugely offended by the use of the word 'girl' in certain contexts. Hence my use of it myself. But in the context of meeting a man looking for a relationship, it would bother me because I'd wonder if it betrayed certain opinions that that man held about women. And these could be putting someone off.

For example, I went on a couple of dates with someone I met OD who used the term 'girl' and he told me off for doing something. Initially, I thought it was a joke, but no, he was really trying to tell me what to do. He even qualified it by telling me he always told his daughter not to do it too.

My exH also referred to women as 'girls'. He had some very specific expectations of women. They should always be 'pretty'; they should be gentile; they shouldn't drink pints; they shouldn't wear much make up; there were certain places they shouldn't frequent... it was very restrictive, but that's because women (girls) are vulnerable and sweet and need to be protected by a man.

But that's not what women mean when they use the word.

And I don't really notice the same attitudes from men who refer to women as women.

It's that whole 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got' thing and a rather trite application of 'you must be the change you wish to see in the world'.

If you aren't aware you're doing/saying something that could be putting other people off, then you can't to anything about it. The OP might only like to appeal to the sort of woman who likes being referred to as a girl, and that's fine. But he might not.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

I really hate the way some posters pounce on someone for the use of a word that they don't like. In this instance 'girl'. The irony that one of them was Folkgirl (who took it in good stead once pointed out) made me laugh.

I don't like the use of the c-word but it's used with some frequency on MN but I don't pounce on people for using it and it is clear that no offence was meant in the title of this thread.

I wonder how many women object to being called someone's girlfriend? Or men object to being called someone's boyfriend? Yet loads of people in their 30s (and over) use these terms.

I wish people would only take offence at things when they are really meant. The world - and possibly MN - would be a more pleasant place particularly in innocuous genuine threads where someone is merely asking for help and advice.

Badger interestingly enough, when I was online dating, almost every single woman's profile mentioned that they went to the gym, so it's not just to the men. Or boys. Or guys. Or blokes. Or whatever!

[Effic]

Hi
Just say 'yes' to everything! I don't mean multiple dating or hurting everyone but just say yes and be open to whatever is on offer. Go along with friends / colleague and do accept every invitation even to do stuff you would normally not do. I went to a motocross meeting - the last thing on earth I would have thought to do but actually had a blast!
If your friends are trying to set you up - say yes - meet for a coffee and see how it goes. Be honest - if there is no spark, you might make a new friend.
If you are doing on line dating, be honest about what you like but answer everyone no matter if they fit your 'type' whether physically or by interests. Answer everyone and get chatting - you never know, you might find that considering someone outside your 'usual' bears fruit. Don't email for ever though, chat for a few days and if you like them then arrange a meeting. Again, if you're not interested, be nice but say so and move on.
Finding the right person is hard - I'm in the same position as you but I've had some nice dates, done some stuff I wouldn't normally do, met someone who is now a friend and I'm a more open person because of it. Just say 'yes!'

[Nunyabiz]

I can appreciate that folkgirl. Heh

[Simplesusan]

I would second the advice to be yourself and be honest.

Do not pretend to like anything you simply cannot stand.

At least one close up photo and a full length one.

I also like men in suits, not all the time but my partner, who I met online, was wearing a suit in one of his pictures.

Don't be rude either, if someone messages you and you are not interested just say sorry but you are not for me.

[FolkGirl]

Nuny Hm, slightly hippy-ish I suppose. Not that I'd only go out with someone like that. But suits don't really do it for me.

I prefer a more bohemian look.

[Dirtybadger]

Don't mention travelling or the gym, if you go. Every single bloody man (well, most) seems to mention how much they love to travel and that they go to the gym regularly. I would like to know if someone is active (because I am) but the gym says "vain" to me (even though it doesn't always mean that) and travel says "privilaged and possibly too splashy with their cash". Plus who wouldn't love to travel if they could?
Apologies if you didn't or haven't said either of those but they seem to be common "selling points" and, for me, mean very little.

As everyone else has had their say; I'm only 23 but still dislike being referred to as a girl. Or other women (of age) being referred to as girls. It would put me off (context and other things being taken into account).

[Nunyabiz]

(Purely nosey interested in what other people find attractive )

[Nunyabiz]

What do you prefer folk girl?

[FolkGirl]

It's a fact in your world, Nuny. Not in mine .

[Maisie0]

When I read this thread again, it is actually pretty funny. We are an odd bunch of people on MN...

I am also kind of baffled why the OP have met a lot of women, and want to find the right girl.

It reminds me of the fact that I used to work in IT, which means a lot of "men", but I do not feel like dating any single ones. It was almost like..."ugh"... I do not know whether it is the fact that some industry attract similar kind of people or what. They were all sarcastic. They were all quite geeky and techy. If I wanted to talk about was "Come Dancing", they would all gloss their eyes over. But yet, when they talk about games, or footie, I try to take an interest... No fairness in this world indeed.

Or it could be the fact that I never knew any one of them very personally and closely either. Nor did I open up to them as well. It is how we are expected to behave at work isn't it ? I am sure that did something to me personally. Which probably why it made me feel SO lonely too. When I went dancing, it was the guys who told me to be more female. Lol.... What an odd world.

"Relax. Let me lead."
"What do you like watching ? What are your hobbies ?"
(Maisies stared at them through narrowed eyes...)

I wish I did went out on a date with that guy. He was nice. I missed my opportunity.

[Nunyabiz]

I'm not saying he has to wear a suit daily! Lol. But men do look good in suits. Fact. (at a friends wedding etc?) just a suggestion as I think it's a bit of a plus

[FolkGirl]

Prima

I suppose it's one thing if we refer to ourselves as a 'girl' or our friends as 'the girls'. It's another thing if a man does because, IME, it tends to also belie certain expectations. And whilst I'm quite happy to play the part at times... I'm not actually that cute and fluffy...

Nuny Maybe, but not every woman wants a man in a suit .

I still think that you're best off trying to appeal to the sort of person you're hoping to attract, rather than telling people what you want from them.

So, for example, I said I like real ale and red wine; and I don't like football - that way someone who liked nothing more than watching the footie with a pint of Carling in one hand and a woman with a white wine spritzer in the other, wouldn't be any more interested in me than I would be in him.

But if i'd said, I'm not interested in men who like nothing more than watching the footie with a pint of Carling in one hand and a woman with a white wine spritzer in the other... well that would have been a lot more aggressive and I don't think I'd have sounded attractive to anyone.

OP If you are comfortable doing so, I'd be happy to look over your profile for you. You can C&P the text part into a PM if you're not happy sending a link to your profile (which you probably shouldn't do to a stranger on t'internet).