MM and dirty secrets - WWYD?

[dilemma101]

Hi,

Long time lurker and first time poster, I just wrote out a huge post which took hours with a back story and for some reason when it came to posting I lost the lot ... I will try to write it all down again when I get a chance but to cut a very very long story short please help with WYWD. Having read a lot of the posts in the Relationship section your opinion would be appreciated.

My husband has a good friend lets call him Ben, Ben is a Dr, at the top of his game and well respected, we don't really socialise together and I have never met his wife but she is also a Dr and works around the family, they have 3 children under 16. I know him but not well and we don't really know his wife, other than we know she is a lovely lady and great mother. They are both in their 40's.

So over the last few years my husband has known him he has talked of using prostitutes, tells my husband stories of a 'friend' of his who has a transgender prostitute come round and give his friend blowjobs as men know how to do it better and its the best of both worlds, talks of his upbringing (all boys boarding school) and the things boys got up to. My DH laughs it off and tells me and I just tell him that I think the guy is a sleaze and his poor wife has no idea who her husband actually is and what he may be bringing home to her. Apparently this man has had multiple affairs and is the type that is always sleazy around younger girls, thinks he can charm them with his 'down with the kids' attitude and they will be over awed by his job title.

To the outside world he is a loving caring father and husband, 5 star holidays, the big house the fancy cars etc. DH knows his wife has no idea of who her husband actually is. The other night DH was telling me that Ben was claiming to colleagues and had told his wife he had to go away on particular dates to a conference but told my DH he was away to watch lots of naked people(?) doing some protest thing. The guy is an out and out dirty man and the more I hear of him the more I want to let his wife know somehow what he is up to. I saw his wife in the supermarket once and she had this sadness behind her eyes and my heart just went out to her. I know its not my place and I could never tell DH I was contemplating this as he would tell me to stay out of it, but I really feel for her. This is just the tip of the iceberg with this man. And no my Dh would never say anything to him as according to my DH the guy obviously has issues and its none of his business.

WWYD? Please don't re quote this in case I wish to delete post as he could be quite identifiable from the little I've said.

Thanks all.

[GarlicMaybeNot]

If I knew his wife, I would want to talk to her about it. If I didn't ... ? I don't know; it is a massive can of worms really.

I used to work in a business that revolved around boozy social events. A lot of people were energetically unfaithful to their unsuspecting partners. It just didn't make sense to tell on them ... in fact, they nearly all got away with it nearly all the time. There was one guy, quite a big-shot and a charmer, who'd shagged about half my female colleagues. He turned up to an awards night with, unusually, his wife. She was so sweet! Really 'normal', in love, nice, and clearly had no clue about the DH we all knew so well. I found it upsetting. Had I been a friend of hers, I wouldn't know whether to carry on colluding with the H or try to let her down as gently as possible.

There's an argument to say you may as well email her - if she already knows, she'll go 'meh' and keep quiet. If she doesn't, her world's about to change and, of course, she'll take it up with Ben. The impact on your H might be the main thing here. It's probably unwise to do anything before discussing it seriously with him.

I don't envy you. Horrible position to be in.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Op I don't think men and women see it differently at all . I would question my dps standards if he developed a friendship with someone like this , and I know my dp would be equally horrified if I did the same. It sounds like your husband laps up these stories and is in awe of him in some way , hence repeating this stuff to you.

If he was horrified by Ben Perving on young waitresses he wouldn't go out with him , it really is that simple. Somebody would embarrass me like that just once.

I would leave well alone with the wife , and perhaps look at the issues this friendship is causing in your marriage , and the concerns it's raising for you.

[RonaldMcDonald]

I think that generally people only tell you things you are willing to hear.
If they use poor judgement they tell from your reaction that you are not a welcome audience and never repeat the mistake again.

I would really consider that OP.

Secondly do not involve yourself in something you know nothing about. Leave his wife and family alone.

[BaconSarniePlease]

Me too. How difficult is is to tell a colleague you socialise with not to tell you things you don't want to hear/think he should keep to himself? Secondly, why does the OP's DH share the details of the conversations with her?

[matildasquared]

Right.

Still uneasy.

[stalekale]

oh ffs matildasquared, think you should read the post carefully you seem to be jumping to a lot of conclusions, the OP probably meant if it was her she would want to know.

[BaconSarniePlease]

OP, are you actually worried your husband is involved in Ben's antics, or at least getting up to similar things? Is your concern for his wife, a woman you barely know and owe nothing to, actually concern for yourself?

Your DH certainly knows a lot about what Ben is up to. It would be very easy for him to ask Ben to just stop talking about this aspect of his life but not only does he not do that, your DH then goes on to relate the tales to you. If can understand why DH possibly has to socialise with Ben for the sake of his career. What I really can't understand is why he can't just tell Ben he isn't interested in his antics or that it's highly inappropriate to talk to colleagues about stuff like this, which it is.

I am pretty new to posting on MN but is this some kind of 'reverse post'?

[IWillIfHeWill]

Don't tell. Do get your husband away from him.

I know someone who behaves really badly with women. I haven't told his wife. Her life is going to fall apart when she finds out. I think. Maybe she already has an idea what's going on. Its his place to tell her, not mine. If I tell, its just me being a bitch, either to him or to her, or to both.

[matildasquared]

A "screwed up personal life" would be a divorce, custody battles, an affair. Not the crazy shit you describe. And this isn't a "men and women are different" issue.

You say you'd want to know what your DH is up to. Huh? I thought we were talking about Dr. Ben?

I get the feeling there is a lot more going on here.

[dilemma101]

It's difficult to go into too much detail, but I do believe men can talk about things in different ways to the way women do and react to. I am sure my DH isn't the only man sleazy Ben talks to about his screwed up personal life.

I realise not every wife would want to know what her DH was up to, I personally would. Thank you again all who have commented.

[elizalovelace]

I have to say id be very concerned if my DH spent so much time and effort in the company of this sleazy man,in fact i know my DH just wouldnt. Id concentrate on your own DH if i was you.

[WhoNickedMyName]

Look, this guy is disclosing some really grim stuff, multiple affairs, prostitutes, cross gender blow jobs, lying about work conferences to watch naked fuck knows what.

You've got to be pretty sure of a receptive audience when you're talking about this kind of thing, especially given they're not just friends but colleagues.

Maybe his wife's got a few things she thinks you should know too?

I really thing you need to look very closely at your DH and the company he keeps. Why exactly is he friends with this person - that's what I'd want to know in your shoes.

[matildasquared]

If your husband is walking away, how is he learning about everything in such loving detail?

If he doesn't approve why is he spending so much time with this friend?

[dilemma101]

Thanks for everyones input and advice, yes it seems that this needs given a wide berth, my DH doesn't approve and when I say laughs it off I mean in a walking away whatever kind of way, as that's the way it comes across if he ever talks about it to me. Yes its true I don't know about their relationship I just felt for her after hearing of his utter disrespect.

[WildBill]

tbh other peoples sex lives are non of your business. You haven't even met his wife and you think you might tell her what he does? at least things you've heard about 3rd hand that you think he does, she may know, she may participate, she may be ignorant. It's not your place to interfere.

[WhoNickedMyName]

Ben discusses this with your husband, as your husband gives no indication whatsoever to Ben, that he is in fact, in any way disgusted or disapproving of his behaviour.

I think you need to take a good look at your own husband and the company he chooses to keep.

[badbaldingballerina123]

It's not hard to tell a colleague that you don't want to hear this stuff. Somebody earlier said that your husband is demeaning himself by listening to this toxic rubbish and I'd have to agree. There really is no reason your husband has to be on such friendly terms with Ben at work , and no reason at all to socialize with him outside of work.

My ex husband had friends like this and would come home relaying similar disgusting stories. I think it's grossly bad judgment to be friends with some turd like this , and grossly disrespectful to come home and tell you all about it.

Your husband doesn't HAVE to socialize with him , and he doesn't HAVE to listen to his disgusting stories. He chooses to. I would seriously consider your husbands lack of boundrys and poor judgement on this. If your husband had strong feelings about it , he wouldn't spend time with him.

This is pretty personal stuff he's telling your husband. Your husband doesn't sit in silence while he's relaying this. Ben is under the impression your husband approves . I'd want to know what that was.

[Wrapdress]

Yuck!!! Ben sounds hideous! Bet you the wife knows and is staying together for the kids and the fact he is a good provider and, let me guess, a great daddy.

I would not get involved. If the wife wanted to leave, she would.

[matildasquared]

Hay caramba.

OP, you asked: WWYD?

I would interrupt the next scintillating tale to ask, "Why are you friends with this person?"

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Does anyone remember that Christmas episode of the Royle Family where Ant'ny introduces the family to his girlfriend Emma's parents? The women are all over Emma's mum because she's got 'implants and a Dyson!'.... and Jim ends up humouring Emma's sleazy dad bragging on about a prostitute who specialises in Masons. 'She lets me do things you wouldn't do to a farm animal'...

And you say this guy is a medical doctor?.... Grim

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

"Younger girls" does not have to mean children. Anybody under the age of 25 is often referred to as a girl. He might be a filthy sleaze-bag who over-shares but even he might draw the line at actual paedophilia. Still, if he enjoys having his cock sucked by trannies he might not be a threat to females of any age.

[matildasquared]

Not incidentally, "acts sleazy around younger girls"=sexually harasses children. And your husband "laughs it off"?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Of course he can do something about the situation. The phrase he needs is 'I don't want to know'. Sometimes people can overshare and it's not rude to cut them short and say 'TMI and I'm sorry but I don't think you should be telling me this stuff'.

[Jessi1972]

Hi I'm new to this so I'm really sorry if I upset anyone - it isn't my intention
Dilemma101 from what I've read between the lines so to speak it seems to me like you and DH have an incredibly close relationship because he is talking about this sensitive/upsetting subject with you in the first place, his partner/best friend (Hun, you should be beaming from that alone :-) )
As for the subject matter - I would say that maybe the only actions you can take or be is a sounding board for him to discuss this with, frustrating I know, but think of this way; we really don't know the other people involved in the situation do we? For all we know the wife could be doing the same thing and was pissed off because she had to do the shopping when she could be seeing another boyfriend/kids stuff/getting her nails done/living the life he pays for. The wife might already know but might be bound by a clause in a pre-nup agreement - who knows? NONE OF US.
I really think the best thing to do here is carry on listening and understand that DH might just need to off load because he finds it upsetting and frustrating as he can't do anything about the situation either.

[Cleanthatroomnow]

And not sure what being a Dr has to do with any of this. Sadly you get sleezy individuals in all professions.