I think I'm meant to be alone - do I let dp go?

[Sampanther]

I've been married before, which was a massive mistake. My exH was abusive in every way and a drinker. I've been with my now dp for over 5 yrs. I can completely trust him, he is a kind and thoughtful man and focussed on the children and I. He couldn't be any more opposite to my exH. He has never done anything wrong or criticised me or been horrible in any way.

However, I increasingly feel suffocated by being in a relationship. He tells me he loves me at least twenty times per day, in person and by text. He wants to text all day and I'd prefer if we didn't and just discussed our day in the evening. Whenever I stand or sit still without a child on me for longer than ten seconds he's trying to lay on me or cuddle or kiss me. At night he wants to lay nose to nose or stroking my face and sometimes I feel like screaming for him to give me some personal space.

He has a lot of weekdays off but never anything he wants to do. When he worked away I'd take dd to toddler groups, swimming, the park etc but also have days indoors painting and playing. If he's off he'll follow me wherever I go and whatever I do, literally from room to room and foot by foot at toddler groups/the pool. He's constantly trying to talk to me and not dd.

When he works away I'm more than happy to have busy days with the kids and go to bed and read. It's a relief to not have to go downstairs and have him all over me declaring his undying love. I find him very attractive physically but find the constant touching and 'i love yous' a turn off.

I feel like if I can't be happy with him then I'll never be happy with anyone because he's pretty much great all round. Is it kinder to let him go and resign myself to being single? I love him but admit I'm happier knowing the kids and I are going home to an empty house than to him, and it seems like the kids are too.

[RandomMess]

You need to talk. Explain to him blunty that whilst you have young dc you feel completely "touched out" that by the time dd has taken what she needs from you physically you need major space to keep sane. It is a common issue when you have pre-schoolers.

What SGB is completely valid though. How he reacts to your calmly explained need for space will tell you everything you need to know.

[AKeyFox]

He needs a hobby, or three and a life.

You need a break.

And talk.

[aujordoui]

He's way too needy. I couldn't respect a man like that, however good he is. You have to tell him.

[pictish]

Good post SGB.

[Maisie0]

He is not able to read the context. Has he always been like this or ? The other thing is, does he act this way because he can see that you are annoyed, and think that this is something else ? To be honest, you really need to talk and communicate and keep in contact this way.

Or maybe there is also something on his mind too whether this is about work or not, or something else, but because he see you with the baby and think that you may not want to talk about him also. He reminds me of a little bit of the guy I just left behind. In the beginning, I found his behaviour weird, but over time, as he tells me his day, and I tell him my day too, and we try also to eliminate each others' stresses and then we refocus on our immediate goals, and keep ourselves happier, we are both happier. He became also more open and he tells me his feelings too. Which he never used to do so. To me, it can be a nice distraction from what I am doing, but I can also say that sometimes we both needed the other person to also listen to us too. But these days, we have become more friendly and is more forgiving to the other person. As in, we help one another. He tells me a problem, I fix it. I have a problem, he validates my feelings. It took us a while to get to this point.

I agree with the above post. Why can you not feel like you can tell him to move his hand when he does it. Or to say it out loud? Do you fear something ? Do you trust this man as much as you say you do also? Because if you say something gently, it will let him notice in that precise moment what he is doing and it is not necessary. I would indeed try this first before having these "big talks". Sometimes you got to be trusting and communicate in a direct manner.

[Thetallesttower]

I think it is very odd that you don't feel able to tell him- please let go of my hand, I'm driving, or please don't do that, I'm eating.

What is stopping you telling him it is too much?

Your post title is wrong as others have said- there's nothing wrong with you, most women would find this intrusive and oppressive, even those of us who love lots of physical contact. It's just too much, all on his terms and for some reason (did you do the Freedom programme, I can't remember) you don't feel able to assert yourself and have come to the wrong conclusion that there is something wrong with you. There isn't, and this is weird, which you do know deep down which is why you posted.

If you feel suffocated, ask him very nicely to stop suffocating you at every turn.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Then start by telling him to back off. By all means start nicely, reassure him that you love him, but say that you find the constant touching a bit too much. And the next time he starts pawing you and dribbling on you, tell him to stop, gently push him away or get up and move away.
If he is a nice-but-insecure man, he will give you a bit more space.

However, I don't think it's very likely. What I would expect to happen is tears, sulking, accusations that you are 'cold' and 'unfeeling' and quite probably 'going to leave him for another man.' And more unwanted mauling and fumbling, probably groping as well.

Remember it's perfectly all right to get sick of a partner and dump him. No one is owed a relationship. If you have told him you don't like something and he just carries on doing it, he doesn't love you at all. He thinks he's the one who matters and you exist for his benefit.

[Sampanther]

Spirited I appreciate your point but he doesn't know his constant affection is unwanted; he likes it being shown to him and assumes I do too. I haven't clearly told him any different yet, so it seems a bit unfair to condemn him as an abuser. He has no problem with me going out without him and often offers that I have some 'me time.'

[NewNameForSpring]

I don't think you can judge this situation until you clearly and directly tell him how it feels for him to behave this way.

I too think it sounds utterly terrible.

But you havent' told him.

Once you have told him, then you can see how things pan out and act on that.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

That s an excellent, considered post spirited
I think the language used in describing his ex is interesting.

Sam do you think you could speak to him? To let him know you need some space and to be clear with him about what that means (so there's no misunderstanding and so that you both can try to get some meaningful and reasonable physical noirishment with each other?

I, personally, am a tactile and affectionate person. And I would still feel intruded upon by that level of proximity. I think the "comfort blanket" analogy up thread was insightful.

[Spiritedwolf]

Wanting a bit more personal space doesn't mean you can't be in a relationship. But I think it would be helpful for you to learn more about what controlling and abusive behaviour looks like so that in future relationships you can spot when someone is disregarding your boundaries. People often recommend The Freedom Program run by Woman's Aid (or a different woman's charity) and there are books too.

The letting him touch you whilst feeling like screaming thing because you feel touched out is a normal reaction for someone who has been abused (so its not your fault) but its not normal within a healthy relationship where you ought to feel comfortable saying 'I don't feel like cuddles/etc at the moment' without anyone feeling bad. Please realise though that you are entitled to say this even if he does feel bad about it.

I'm sure you'll be able to have a normal, healthy relationship with someone who doesn't want to smother you one day. But don't rush from this relationship into another, take some time to get to know what you and your children want from life and be comfortable with that - that way you'll recognise whether a new relationship will add to your lives rather than immediately moulding yourself into the relationship.

[Spiritedwolf]

Because he wants to touch you and says its because he loves and misses you, I can see that it would be confusing. We don't generally expect seemingly affectionate actions to be wrong or controlling.

But as puckish and others have indicated, these aren't acts of love if they are excessive and unwelcome. Love is about caring for someone else's needs and wants - but he isn't thinking of what you need or want at all. He is sacrificing your comfort on the altar of his need for (excessive) physical reassurance. That's selfish and possessive, its not love. Combine this with his juvenile jealousy of your 2 year old and disregard for her well-being, its not a pretty picture at all.

He has also primed you to accept his attentions by labelling his ex as very cold - telling you that he finds rejection of his attentions to be unacceptable and the woman's fault.

I too would reconsider the breakdown of his last marriage based on the behaviours he is now demonstrating to you, rather than accepting his side of the story. Is it possible that things were fairly good until she had the children, at which point he had little people to be jealous of for the affections of his wife. And he describes her as cold towards his advances. I don't think its a coincidence that his marriage broke down when his children were very young if he choose to be come jealous, useless at watching active toddlers and overly physically possessive of her. Please consider her refusal to contact him outside the courts and lack of enthusiasm for him wanting to have increased contact with his step children in light of this.

Many abusive people show their true colours during pregnancy and the early days of a young child, when the attention is no longer focused on them and its more difficult for their partner to leave. He's done this before. Its not you, its him.

If you are struggling to see his 'affections' as being wrong. Try to remember that contact that isn't welcome is sexual harassment

I would really be reconsidering being in the relationship at all. But if you want to stay, then he needs to start respecting your personal space. Call him out on it when he is being inappropriate, go out and do things without him even when he's home. Tell him you need space.

If this is difficult or impossible for you to do, please realise that this is a huge indicator that he is being abusive towards you. Most partners would be understanding or at least accepting of you needing time to yourself. It is not your fault that he's doing this to you, but he needs to stop or you need to get away.

Take care x

[puckish]

I think maybe you're seeing it as 'he really adores me' or 'he really finds my company irresistible' or 'he loves to be with ME' or 'he finds me physically so desirable'. It's not actually a compliment, I'm afraid.

You're basically functioning as something available and female for him to use as a comfort blanket.

I 100% guarantee if you split up, he won't miss 'you' as a person, he'll just find another ASAP to latch onto and nuzzle constantly (and tell her you were very cold to him).

There's something wrong with your DP. I wouldn't say you're 'meant to be alone', there are normal men who can get the balance right between showing their affection and showing their partner they find them attractive and being weird.

He wants to 'be treated like your big baby', and not in a good way, either. He can't actually spend time with himself, he needs a woman to latch onto.

You're just 'the woman who has agreed to put up with it' for him, you're not actually special to him

[VitoCorleone]

Your OP made me cringe, this is not normal behaviour, i haven't read your other thread but it sounds like he's obsessed with you and is competing with your daughter for affection.

[Jesuisunepapillon]

I would find this utterly suffocating. I have to say, I think you shouldn't walk away, I think couples counselling might be helpful, and him getting his own therapy might be good to address some of his issues. You still might have a future, if you can get him to back the fuck off! But however much I loved someone (and I'm very tactile), this would drive me nuts and kill my love for someone.

[girliefriend]

Reading your op makes me feel really uncomfortable, I need my own space and would go stark raving mad if my dp behaved in such a way.

I agree that I would much rather be on my own than with him.

[TheSlagOfSnacks]

I think this behaviour, coupled with how he is with your dd, makes him sound seriously weird tbh.

You must feel on your last nerve all the time. Just imagining being in your situation makes me feel all itchy.

[noddyholder]

This all comes from his insecurity and he probably over does the adoration in the hope of history not repeating itself. It does sound suffocating but be careful what you wish for as I have a close friend atm who was in exactly your position and she told him after Xmas and he left. She now massively regrets it and is aghast at his new social life and attitude Really wished she has been less hasty Is there any hope of him changing and seeing what he is doing as odd?

[wyrdyBird]

Have to say I find it skin crawling too.

Referring to your title, Sam, you shouldn't assume you're meant to be alone, but only that there's a problem in this relationship, with this man.

Whenever I stand or sit still without a child on me for longer than ten seconds he's trying to lay on me or cuddle or kiss me. At night he wants to lay nose to nose or stroking my face and sometimes I feel like screaming

he'll follow me wherever I go and whatever I do, literally from room to room and foot by foot at toddler groups/the pool. He's constantly trying to talk to me

You feel like screaming because his behaviour isn't normal. It's a long way from normal, even for a needy person. He sounds a bit unbalanced (Sorry, I don't know any other way to put it.) I wonder how he will respond when his love is not returned.

BertieBotts description of controlling was also spot on. It is dressed up as devotion and romance at the start of a relationship, or just how things are: which is why it's so hard to spot.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I'd have punched him in the face by now, OP. Reading about him makes my skin crawl. How can you stand it?

[pictish]

And how clingy he is.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

I suspect you'll stay with him, move house in September [or not?] and come on here to moan about him still being a crap parent when you have your new baby.

[Sampanther]

No, I don't think I have. I'm just not needy and that exacerbates how needy he is.

[pictish]

Well...have you?

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Do you think you've checked out of the relationship?