Anyone not speak to family?

[Celestria]

Has anyone cut off their entire immediate family?

[Tenrec]

Yes. I had twice a year contact with my mother and grandparents from the age of 10 (in FC) and stopped that the minute I could ask and be listened to.

[captainmummy]

I don't have a huge family (mums family live abroad) and dads family all keep to themselves. The only family 'do's' would be immediate family. So no.

[Smilesandpiles]

"if you are invited to a family do, would you have a conversation with the host to find out if the others are invited?"

No. I don't attend family dos so that's another whole issue that doesn't need to be delt with, besides, they couldn't contact me even if I was invited...none of them know where I am.

[DeckSwabber]

Do any of you tell other family that you are NC? Eg if you are invited to a family do, would you have a conversation with the host to find out if the others are invited?

[AllDirections]

Yes, I've had no contact for years... but I still watch my back

[withextradinosaurs]

Pretty much. My dad and I make an effort, we had some hard times in the past but are kind of "in recovery" at the moment. I don't talk to my sister, and I wouldn't piss on my brother if he were on fire.

[NigellasDealer]

yeh i have blanked my dbro for about ten years now since he made a point of treating me and the kids like shit at his horrible society wedding

[captainmummy]

My dad has never seen my dc - his first grandchildren. And with my sisters dc - he met her eldest, but not the others for a long time. He used to send money for eldest's birthday, but not the others as he'd 'not met them'! He's never send so much as a card to mine. As I said, his loss.

Deckswabber - I have been in the same kitchen as my sister, and totally ignored her. She would make cutting remarks 'to the rest of the table' and I'd ignore. No, I'm not civil. Why should I be? I talk to her dh, and her dc, and Mum, but not her.

[Juno321]

I cut off my mum and her side of the family (so also my maternal grandparents, aunt and uncle, cousins, great aunts and uncles and also mums friends who we were once close with.

The reason being is that my mum chose to leave when I was a teenager, she had an affair with the next door neighbour and left one day (with him) when I was at school. She had been planning it for months. She wouldn't tell us where she was living or any other details but wanted contact with us and to meet us and various places.

To me though that is not the way you have a relationship with a parent, meeting up with them in public places because you don't even know where they live..she was also a narcissist and everything was always about her.

I had a very privileged upbringing in the sense we had everything we wanted materially and amazing holidays several times a year, but support wise she was never there for me. She called me horrible names and made out I was an awful child when really I never caused any problems and wouldn't have dared to be cheeky to my parents growing up! I was a good kid.

That was 8 years ago and now I have a child of my own I won't deny it's been hard at times. She's never met my DD, none of my mums family have. I miss having a mum but I certainly don't miss her. It's sad it has come to this but it is what it is.

[MistressDeeCee]

At the moment my sis is moving home. My eldest DD is round there now helping out. Although I don't talk to sis I don't get involved in relationship between her & my DCs thats all fine. DCs are aware we don't talk, and I don't encourage them to take sides. As long as I don't have to see my sis Im fine with that but I wouldn't prevent DCs being in contact with their aunt.

[Needadvice5]

Yes, I haven't spoken to my dad's side of the family for nearly 20years and they live very local.

A big family feud that has never resolved, the only time when it has been awkward was when my nan was really ill and came to the A+E department where I am a nurse. I refused to go near her and the whole family spent 4 hours glaring at me!

[Celestria]

I can be civil deck swabber. For the record I haven't cut off my children from contact with family, I have made sure both parents can contact my exh to see the kids. I have no doubt that I need to do this as I can't accept or forgive this time and I am not prepared to live with how they have made me feel anymore.

[biscuitfreak]

I've just noticed on the threads about being NC I've never seen anyone who is NC with their dcs. There are plenty of women on MN with adult children. I sometimes wonder if my mum is on here.

[DeckSwabber]

If you are cut off from some family and not others, how do you manage the other relationships? How do you avoid awkward family events where the people you don't want to see are present?

[captainmummy]

Fontella - mine was the same, no particular abuse, but nothing in common with my family. Father earned my disgust by having an affair with a girl 3 years older than my sister, and then blaming me for his losing his job over it. Haven't spoken to him since. Sister is a total narc, selfish, immature, judgemental, lives in a fantasy world of her own, - while totally jealous of anyone who has made a better job of it. Big bust up there, so I haven't talked to her in 5 years or so, even if she is in the same room. I live 200 miles away so it's fine. Brother - he lives even further away, and is never in touch, even with mum. No bust up, just total apathy.

It is sad, but as fontella says, if these people weren't born into your family, they would not be freinds. I wouldn't even talk to them in the pub, so why bother with them in my life?

good luck OP

[Zazzles007]

Yep, cut off my sister about 15 years ago now, as she back-stabbed and betrayed me while I was out of the country, told lies about me and turned 2 cousins against me. She tried to apologise once, and followed up the apology with "But I won't fix the relationship between you and [the 2 cousins]." I knew then that the apology was just lip service and not to expect much from here.There was never any love or even friendship between us, and it was sibling rivalry as bad as you will ever see it.

Recently, one of those cousins tried to 'friend' me online - I ignored her completely.

More recently, I cut off my parents 2 years ago. I have realised that there is a strong tendency towards narcissism in the women on my mother's side of the family. I can see narcissistic behaviours in my maternal grandmother, mother, sister, and the 2 cousins mentioned above. They are truly awful to be around and complete emotional vampires, who deliberately created emotional distress in me to feed off. I am so much better off without them.

On my father's side of the family there is more mental illness, the paternal grandmother being bipolar, which resulted in my father developing schizoid personality disorder. He is like a ghost, drifting in and out of life, doesn't talk to anyone, and doesn't have/develope relationships with people. Not having these people in my life in my life means that it is so much more peaceful, and I can concentrate on my own issues, rather than whatever drama they have thrown at me.

[MistressDeeCee]

& good for you, Fontella

Food for thought, reading that....

[MistressDeeCee]

Me. At the moment I dont speak to any of my parents. Also my sister. I do speak to my brothers though, we are close.

My parents and sister are awful people. I dont blame my sister so much, but I do blame my parents for constantly playing us all off against each other for years, and then each of them blaming the other for their silly games. Lately theyve gone too far and I just decided Im 50 years old - no more of this. I cant even type the things theyve done, its too stressful.

I dont believe in the blood is thicker than water saying at all. OP if you do cut off your family there are times you will feel really bad about it - I still do. But you will be better off, and happier, in the long run. Just remember you have an absolute right to your own happiness. People suit themselves, dont they? So, you suit you.

I have my lovely OH & DDs, also my DBs are a godsend..thru thick & thin, we are there for each other. Thats enough for me right now.

[Fontella]

I've got five siblings, mother and stepfather still living (although apart now as mum has alzheimer's and he ran for the hills when it got bad) and loads of nieces and nephews, cousins and so on about the place. We are a big family and I don't have anything to do with the majority of them.

I'm close to one sister who is my mum's full-time carer, mum herself (although she doesn't know who I am) and there's one niece who turns up periodically - usually when she's had yet another row with her pig of a boyfriend and wants someone to sympathise, although she's barking up the wrong tree with me as I have no sympathy whatsoever. They are both as bad as each other and should have packed it in years ago, but for reasons that are beyond my comprehension she stays with him. So when she sees I'm not going to sit consoling and pitying her she soon disappears, and I don't see her for months until the next big bust up.

As far as the rest of them are concerned I don't see any of them from one year to the next and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. There's been no falling out as such, but I just can't be arsed with it all. You get all the gossip and problems and moaning and groaning, and one talks about the other, gossiping behind each other's backs, and then going off and gossiping about me and my kids to each other, telling them all my business, and everyone's got an opinion about everything and it does my head in.

Then after one particularly stressful family event, it occurred to me that while I might be related by blood, in all other ways I have absolutely nothing in common with these people. Even they weren't relatives, none of them would be friends, or the kind of people I would seek out or want to spend time with.

That might sound a bit harsh but when I realised that and started to withdraw and keep myself to myself, not going to family events etc, not meeting up for Christmas etc. and just not having any contact at all really ... my life changed for the better and is now so much more peaceful, less stressful and just on a more even keel. I'm a single parent, I've got my own (older teens) kids to think about - they still demand a lot of time and attention and with that and working to pay all the bills and keep a roof over our heads I just don't have time for all the family strife.

They all think I'm a stuck up cow .. but I honestly couldn't care less.

Families aren't the be all and end all. They can be a pain in the arse to be frank, and sometimes we are better off without.

[Celestria]

Thanks for the replies. I don't want to go into details but I am certain it's the right choice. I'm in counselling at the moment and working very hard at creating a happier life. It's good to hear im not alone. It would be so easy to go back to trying to please them and be accepted by them, but I don't want that sort of life anymore.

[NotInYourNature]

I think when you cut your family off you become sad at times because you would like a mum to go to like other people but not in fact the mother you have or confide in a fictional sibling.
That's how i feel sometimes esp at times like now (expecting dc2)
But never in a million years would it be my mother that i would want.
a fictional mother and siblings iyswim

[OurMiracle1106]

captain my sister's partner was left to deal with all the funeral in mums will so neither of us needed to speak. She refused to tell me when it was, lied and said it had already been, and didn't tell me for four days my mum had died despite messaging me three days after telling me mum didn't have long left.

I won't ever forgive her as I was going through a lot within my own life at the time as well

[cloggal]

Very wise Armadillo. My DH has. Have you read the Stately homes threads, OP? Some helpful advice there.