Am I a laughing stock?

[Bricomarche]

Feeling really stupid and could do with outside perspective. I am married with one DS who is in reception class. The teacher is new, same age as me and is very attractive. I have been going through a lot of family stress lately and found myself absent mindedly looking at him (I thought surreptitiously) when at school during the autumn term as he is so easy on the eye. He is not naturally chatty with the parents so I haven't had a lot to do with him face to face but I do have to go into the classroom twice a day to drop/pick up DS - it is a very small school.

Thing is, he has clearly noticed as he now smirks at me when I come over to chat v briefly about DS things (which I don't do very often as embarrassed to talk to him and am naturally shy). Most of the time now I try to avoid all contact with him/avoid looking at him as am aware I keep looking over if don't keep self in check. I am aware I sound like a complete creep and if this was a man posting we'd be thinking 'weirdo'. I am not standing there in my anorak rubbing my thighs old man style! I focus now on talking to friends and keeping some dignity! He does occasionally also flash me a large Cheshire cat grin when we talk face to face and it was after the 3rd time of him doing this I realised he knew that I'd been checking him out.

I am so mortified, feel like I am going to be the talk of the staff room and that he is laughing at me. I'm not unattractive (but a bit scruffy) but can't help feeling that he is laughing at me for even considering that the admiration might be reciprocal - which I haven't intended anyway it's all seemed to have come out of nowhere. He has a girlfriend and I imagine they are laughing about me too.

Feel embarrassed I have done this and upset that someone has noticed as am very committed to DH - who is lovely btw. I don't need this on top of a lot of family illness.

I just want things to back track and for me not to feel like a twat at school. I have been worrying about this in the wee small hours so pls be gentle. Just need some neutral perspective and maybe advice on how to make this go away.

[Bricomarche]

Thanks all, feeling a lot better again today. This is just what I needed - some neutral outside perspective. Going to duck out of the thread now, stop bothering you all with my nuttiness and try and focus on the real problems.

Really though you've all been so lovely, thanks.

[Hippychickster]

I also think you are over thinking it! I've been a teacher for over 20 years and I've never ever heard anyone in the staff room say, 'So and so's parent fancies me.' I think he's probably just being friendly, and if he's new, he's probably grateful someone is being friendly to him.

If he's good looking, I don't blame you for having a sneaky look!!! I've seen a few dads over the years who are gorgeous but I'd never feel bad or embarrassed for thinking it!!!

[lavenderhoney]

I too think you are over thinking it:)

He's probably used to mums looking at him if he's that hot. Just be professional yourself. Why would he laugh at you? Forget about all that as it will drive you mad. And practise fast drop off and pick up:)

[Squeegle]

Really really don't worry about it! I'm sure he has scarcely noticed, just like everyone says. And even if he has, it's scarcely a crime. Generally people are quite pleased if someone fancies them, it isn't an issue one iota unless you turned into a stalker. Which you obviously are not.

Give yourself a break. Enjoy Mother's Day yourself

[Poogate]

You are totally overthinking this OP, I think you need to put it out of your mind and just get on as normal, don't go all prickly and weird on him as that will look odd. He's just being friendly and he doesn't know what your thinking at all. Sometimes I think I look like I'm staring at people when really I'm just in a world of my own wondering what to have for dinner.

[Bricomarche]

Thank you, thank you, yes I am mind reading. And yes it would look really up yourself if you sat in a staff room and said 'brico-junior's' mum fancies me. I can see they really do have a lot more important stuff to talk about and if he is being unprofessional then that doesn't mean everyone else will be.

I am imagining the whole world caving in over something very trivial, I slept really well for first time in ages last night after everyone's comments and purposefully didn't drink anything so much more clear headed.

The teacher does know that DS's granddad is poorly (we have been preparing DS so he has talked about it in school, DS doesn't really understand much about DN's stillbirth as DB/SIL live a long way away)- so if he is smirking at me then, actually, he is a complete dickhead with zero empathy. I can't imagine that someone who has dedicated his life to educating 4/5 yr olds all day can be that bad.

Wishing you all a lovely mother's day!

[qazxc]

I very much doubt he is talking about you/ sniggering behind your back. There is nothing to say apart from he thinks that you may have been looking at him? He'd sound conceited and a twat.
You have done nothing wrong, you've not been stalking him, chasing round the desk Benny Hill style, coming onto him, slipping him your number, flashing him in the classroom when you go and pick up your son have you?
No you've just looked at him and thought "oh he's rather nice on the eye". There's nothing wrong with that.
I don't think he is smirking (and if he is he a twat), he is just smiling and being nice and friendly. Could he have been being extra smiley towards you recently if he knows you are having a rough time?

[Pippilangstrompe]

Even if he noticed, I don't see why he'd think you pathetic. Does he normally think people who find him attractive are pathetc? I know I don't. I think it is nice that people want to look at me! I think most people do. He was almost certainly smiling to himself about something else entirely, as was the female teacher.

[Mitzi50]

We had a very good looking young teacher at my school - we used to joke that the mum's all fancied him, but not in an unkind way. All the female teachers thought he was lovely too (even those of us who were old enough to be his mother). He never mentioned it though and we would have thought he was very arrogant if he had.

[Joolsy]

I also remember a saying I heard: "what other people think of you is none of your business". I try to keep this in mind.

[summerbreezer]

I can completely relate to 'mind reading'. I do it with everyone - people I work with, my friends, people on the street.

I always assume that a) they are thinking about me and b) it is negative. I am having counselling which has been useful in two ways.

It has shown me firstly that PEOPLE DON'T CARE ABOUT ME AS MUCH AS I CARE ABOUT ME. Sad fact is, I don't feature in other people's thoughts half as much as I think I do.

Secondly, it had taught me that I CANNOT KNOW WHAT THEY THINK AND SHOULDN'T CARE UNTIL I DO. You don't know what he is thinking and you cannot know unless he tells you. So why worry? Just get on with things.

These two mantras have helped me immeasurably.

[Bricomarche]

Ha ha - wish I had the balls!

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

You could say next time: gosh, now I know who you remind me off! My uncle Ted. He passed away so young after contracting syphilis!

[Bricomarche]

namechanges - thank you, not really dealing with anything our family has been turned upside down in last 6 months. Just keep thinking that things can't get much worse so got to keep plodding on for DS. Been drinking a lot of wine but mixed with DS bad sleep - not a good combo. I'm going to look into counselling locally, DH thinks a good idea as he had bereavement counselling when his DM passed away.

[Bricomarche]

Thanks, this is all making me feel a lot better. Bless you all for taking the time to reply. So easy to blow things up when you have no one to talk to.

Toohard - I wish it had been pleasurable, just feels painful! I just wish I could relax when I have to see him. I think I will be able to keep all your lovely comments in my head now. It will be like having a mumsnet army with me when I'm at school.

[namechangesforthehardstuff]

He hasn't noticed. He's good looking and has been since he was 13. He thinks people just state at people

No-one talks about this sort of shit in the staffroom, female teachers are too busy wondering how they are going to get him to ask them out.

Atm he just thinks you're a nice smiley friendly mum. If you decide to be all frosty with him he will wonder what on earth's happened.

Eleanor Roosevelt is right.

You sound vair stressed, how are you dealing with that?

[yourehavingalaugh]

The worst thing you seem to have done is look at the guy! I'm sure he hasn't noticed and even if he has, he will just be thinking, hmm, I'm sure that mum over there keeps looking over at me.....Then he will doubt himself and then he will go back into the school and get on with his job. No big deal!

[jollygoose]

He would look very silly discussing a mums possible crush in the staffroom, I really dont think this would happen.
So he has a gf that does not stop him thinking that he fancies you!

[Toohardtofindaproperusername]

I didn't mean to cross out that sentence but it's quite funny that it happened!!! ;) ( well I think so and hope u are not so sensitive to think it's meant in anything other than a light hearted way.... )

[Toohardtofindaproperusername]

Brico - just normalise it. Why hide from partner that your son now has a gorgeous and talented (it seems) class teacher who happens to be a bloke -making picking up your son even more pleasurable --- it's the hiding it and fantasising in your head that allows it all to get out of control ... Like others said, smiles, looks, whatever are just that / u have NO idea what goes on in his head and we are usually not so important that people really spend that much time talking about US. Enjoy looking and enjoy the fact that your son gets a male teacher in his early school years - a massive bonus for him when usually all the early care taking role models are women only.

[Bricomarche]

Sorry x post madbuslady, yes I could do with a bit of calm time but v difficult at moment and DS is very active and crap sleeper. I think if I can hold it together this week and then have the easter break away from school it will prob calm down a bit.

I am getting some perspective now - I see that I haven't really done that much! and that if he has at all noticed he is prob just being a bit confident of his charms - I imagine he gets loads of female attention as he is attractive and really fantastic with a class of 5 yr olds. Quite hard not to like!

[Bricomarche]

Too true thank you.

[MadBusLady]

"Poor pathetic dowdy mum"! This is what you think of yourself, not necessarily how anyone else sees you! Is there anything small and even a bit frivolous you could do to boost your confidence a bit and remind yourself of how great you are? I know it feels a bit incongruous when you are dealing with things like serious illness but I think it's more important at those times to treat yourself well in small ways, so that you can be as strong as possible for others.

[MadBusLady]

"You wouldn't worry so much about what others thought of you if you realised how seldom they do." Eleanor Roosevelt

Really the vast majority of the stuff people do is about them, not you.

[Bricomarche]

Thanks, I did think that having just got glasses might make him think that I have just been v short sighted lately You are all making me smile now which is fab!

True that he prob wouldn't mention it to anyone else as he'd look like a twat.

Gah, life has just been so harsh recently. I thought I would get a load of teachers on here saying 'oh this happens all the time and how we laugh at the poor pathetic dowdy mums in private'.