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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

DH is in denial

38 replies

Baroozer · 22/03/2014 20:15

I've been with my DH for 10 years. 3 DC, 5,4 and 2. He's always liked a drink and until four years ago he was an ok drunk - bit loud, but not abusive or nasty.

It all changed. He has depression. He's been going downhill for years and his drinking increased as he got more and more depressed. It went up to at least two bottles a day, the most was a box of wine and half a bottle of whiskey. I said that I didn't think it was ok to drink that much, that maybe he should talk to someone about how he was feeling, but he ignored me, and he was still able to work well in his job, so no one else knew how bad it was.

Four months ago, he hit bottom. With his depression. Not with his drinking. He still hasn't told anyone about his drinking. He refuses to admit it is a problem. But it is. For me and for the kids. Because he is desperate for alcohol, his temper is short. But it gets worse when he has a drink. After his latest binge, two weeks ago, I told him I was worried that he was an alcoholic, and he immediately went off at the deep end. He was abusive to me, swearing, screaming, breaking furniture, getting in my face and scaring me shitless.

After that, he promised he would stay dry, although he denies that he has ever been an alcoholic. It was all my fault for calling him one, he said, that would upset anyone.

We had an argument half an hour ago and he stormed out of the house. I think he is going to buy wine and if he does I can't stay here. So part of me, the part that thinks that I don't love him any more and I shouldn't stay for my own sanity, wants him to buy that bottle so that I have a cast-iron reason to leave. For myself. And the other part, that says how horrible it would be to leave someone when they are struggling with depression, wants him to be strong enough to come back without any alcohol so that I don't have to be the bad guy.

I suppose I'm posting here to find out how I can leave, if he goes down that road again. And also how I can stay, if he doesn't.

OP posts:

Report

Baroozer · 27/03/2014 09:14

I'll get the solicitors to transfer the money into the account I have jointly with my dad, TheBeautifulVisit.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay, you're right. I should replace depressed with alcoholic. The trouble is that no one else will so I will be judged by people I care about. But that's something to deal with in the future. I recorded his angry rant on my phone last night so at least I have something to prove how things really were, if only to myself.

OP posts:

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 27/03/2014 08:49

One of the reasons his treatment for depression isn't working is because he has not told his 'team' that he drinks. They are in the dark regarding his real issue, or should I say has not told them he is an alcoholic for that is what he surely is.
Leave. He may need that to stop drinking. Primarily leave for yourself and yourself alone. You have the right to a lovely life and he does not care one jot for your needs or wants Baroozer. The person you loved, he has drowned by his own hand. he did that. You owe him nothing and as for feeling bad leaving him when he is depressed, replace depressed with alcoholic and you have a more accurate description of your situation.

TheBeautifulVisit · 27/03/2014 08:42

You might want to make sure the proceeds from your house sale go somewhere safe.

Baroozer · 27/03/2014 08:22

I don't know if he does know, Logg1e. He must know something is not right, but he seems so mired in all his past grievances that I don't know if he understands how bad our current situation is. I feel like I might be making this decision on my own and then just letting him know when I go.

OP posts:

Baroozer · 27/03/2014 08:19

Thanks.

I will be phoning people as soon as DH goes out.

OP posts:

Logg1e · 27/03/2014 08:19

Does he know that the relationship is over?

SauceForTheGander · 27/03/2014 07:57

Good luck today Baroozer I hope the day passes without any upsetting incident.

Are you able to phone anyone Al anon / drink charity if you can't get to a meeting?

Baroozer · 27/03/2014 07:28

When I said about surviving without going mad, I meant about being able to control my anxiety about his drinking.

OP posts:

Baroozer · 27/03/2014 07:27

It's ok. I realised in the middle of the night that we live separately anyway. He sleeps in the spare room and he spends most of his time here in his study. Avoiding him will be easy enough.

OP posts:

Logg1e · 27/03/2014 07:13

I hate the idea of you having to live under such close conditions with him in the meantime. What can you do to give yourself little escapes?

Baroozer · 27/03/2014 06:22

I have told one friend so far. Her DP drank in secret, but she would still be with him if he hadn't found someone else.

This is not our house, it's rented, and we are in the process of selling my house so I will have some money to buy a new house as soon as that's gone through. I just need to survive without going mad until that can happen.

OP posts:

Logg1e · 27/03/2014 05:38

Have you told anyone? You shouldn't go through this alone.

mummytime · 27/03/2014 05:30

Do still go to Alanon when you can, even if you've kicked him out by then. It will help you see things more clearly and help you in the future.

For now get some legal advice ASAP, unless you are afraid for your or the DCs safety try not to move out of the house until you have had legal advice.

MexicanSpringtime · 27/03/2014 05:17

Al-Anon would still be helpful even though you have reached a decision about your DH.

Baroozer · 27/03/2014 00:20

I couldn't get to Al-Anon yesterday, but it doesn't matter anyway. You were all right. I need to leave.

He bought wine tonight. In fact, he started an argument so he could have a reason to buy it.

I hate him.

OP posts:

Tilpil · 23/03/2014 16:16

Sometimes they can do it if something happens and they realise I was an alcoholic and it took me getting pregnant to admit I was even though doctors etc had all told me I wouldn't change a thing as I am tee total now and have a gorgeous boy after speaking to others it has taken something they can't deny to make them look at their drinking unfortunatly

Logg1e · 23/03/2014 16:08

Why are you telling the OP to go to AA when she's already arranged to do that??

Isetan · 23/03/2014 15:11

The futile belief/hope that something you say or could do would be the catalyst for him to stop drinking, thats how you got here. The sad thing about this type of thinking is that it actually takes you further, not closer, to your stated goal. If compassion was all it took to 'fix' an alcoholic, alcoholism wouldn't be the problem that it is.

Focus on your babies and your boundaries, call Al-Anon.

mummytime · 23/03/2014 14:06

I think you need to go to Alanon.
He probably needs AA, but that has to come from him not you.

All you can deal with is yourself, so commit to going to Alanon. I think this will start you on the process of sorting out what to do.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 23/03/2014 13:50

CerealMom The problem I see with this is that HE needs to own and deal with this problem. The moment she starts writing letters to surgery and getting involved in this stuff, he will quite literally dump all responsibility on her to police him and fix him and then, when she can't fix him because it's not possible for her to fix him, he will blame HER.

CerealMom · 23/03/2014 12:26

Do you know which doctors/HCPs/clinics he attends?

They won't share details with you but you could write to them and inform them of the duration, quantities and types of alcohol he's been drinking and the effects this is having on his moods/temper etc...

They would need this information with regards to his prescribed medication.
Perhaps they would stop guilt tripping you about "being on his side".

Definitely go to AA. The help and advice from the councillors and attendees will be invaluable to you and your family.

outtheothersidefinally · 23/03/2014 12:05

Sorry, posted too soon!
I know what it's like and what others are saying above is spot on.
Likely becoming a father has triggered something about jus own childhood.
Al-anon will help YOU. Not him. Please go, and go for yourself (and your children).

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AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 23/03/2014 12:00

You really do need to accept that you cannot fix him. No matter what you do - it's only about management and damage control from you. And always standing at that cliff edge wondering if today is the day he goes over and drinks again. You cannot fix him. The "him" that you know is no longer there. This "new him" will always have a problem with alcohol - and only he can put a lid on it. And only if he wants it - you wanting it is not enough.

outtheothersidefinally · 23/03/2014 12:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do know what it's like and what eceri

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/03/2014 11:36

"Right now I do want to fix him so that I can find out if I still do love him, the him that he was, not the one who's drowning and dragging us down with him. I'm sure it's the wrong way to feel, but for now it's what I do feel"

The him that he was is likely never coming back, it was a mirage. You are currently with someone who at the present time is basically dragging you all down with him into his pit.

You will emotionally destroy yourself trying to fix the unworkable and where will you, not to just say your children, be then?.

This is why I mention co-dependency; you've basically walked into this without realising. Co-dependent relationships can often happen where alcohol is an ongoing problem within the relationship. Also you want to fix him which is another problem also associated with co-dependency and wanting to rescue and or save someone who does not want either to be rescued and or saved. These are learnt behaviours; you learnt that somewhere.

Also your man is being dishonest with his medical team as he has not told them about his drinking problem.

You can only help your own self ultimately. You cannot fix someone else's life for them.

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