Married men who repeatedly cheat

[pillowhogger]

What on earth is going on in their heads? Particularly those who are fairly recently married and/or have young children. I am baffled.

How can you be ok to marry someone and have a child with them and continue to do that?

Why get married in the first place?

And what makes them think it's ok to lead other unsuspecting women along?

Someone I know has had numerous affairs, and in some cases people he has worked with for years have never known he had an OH/wife - let alone a baby! How can someone live such a lie day in, day out? And how can his wife not know?

Or do you think she does and turns a blind eye?

[AlternativeMoniker53]

I lost all respect for my friend's husband the first time (?) he had an affair. He hurt her so much and we're all supposed to act like it never happened. It's very difficult to like him. I've always reasoned that it'd be easier to forgive him if I was the wife, having sex with him, there are a lot of marriages that have been saved in bed! I'd sort of started to forgive him when it became very clear to me that he's up to something again. Clearly this is not reasoning as to his behaviour, more to my response. If we're going along the childhood trauma route, he did board from a very young age but then so do plenty of people who don't turn out to be womanisers. It may be a reason but it's not an excuse.

[JaceyBee]

NigellasDealer - that's a really interesting perspective. I was also in hospital for months as a toddler, and I know it has affected my ability to have a 'proper' relationship, I'm totally commitment-phobic and probably a borderline sex addict (although I never cheated in my marriage I can't say I wouldn't have). You're right that it's unfair to label someone as a bad person because of an element of their behaviour, although of course as adults we have to be responsible for the choices we make regardless of what experiences and beliefs may influence them.

[ElizabetaLuknichnaTomanovskaya]

Mine doesn't know, I'd rather never have him know and be hurt. He is a good person and he loves me, if I told him I can almost guarantee he would be hurt but he would never leave. He doesn't deserve to lose his home or his life with the children. I don't want him to have to live with the reality of what I am doing and why should he struggle to forgive, but he would. The guilt is crippling but OM keeps me sane and I am happy.

[noddyholder]

Honest. Does your dh know?

[ElizabetaLuknichnaTomanovskaya]

I'm having an affair, I set out to do so. DP and I have been together 16 years and have two DC. We have tried for 9 years to try and make things work after he hurt me very badly when the youngest was a baby. I Love DP very much but I am not in love with him. We get on well, we laugh, we rarely argue and we have a lovely life.

OM is dangerously close to perfect but not perfect enough for me to turn my life upside down. Plus if I am honest, he is fun, spontaneous, freedom loving, adventurous and like me in too many ways for it to work as anything other than an affair.

[elastamum]

My ex is like this. We didnt have a bad marriage, got on well and had a great lifestyle, lovely home and 2 beautiful DC.

BUT, he was a serial cheat. I would find out eventually, cue loads of regrets, apologies and making it up and then a few months later it would start again. Apparently this was all partly my fault for being dull and not interested enough in him - 2 small DC and both of us with a full time job

I tried very hard to hold things together for the DC, but eventually our relationship crumbled. We are now divorced. I am in a very happy relationship with my DP of 3 years and he is on his 5th relationship (including another short marriage). I almost feel sorry for him. He is a good dad to our DC and mostly we still get on well. But as far as I can see, has no insight at all into his role in his serial relationship breakdowns.

[SpringyReframed]

Like Nigella'sDealer, I think it is often something in their childhood/teenage years. I dont think you will find a serial cheater who had a perfectly normal upbringing or nice mother.

My ex had his mother walk out of the family home when he was 14. He didnt see her or hear from her for a year. His abusive father blamed him, had a break down, and neither of them spoke to each other for most of that time. He totally disrespects women and thinks nothing of cheating or watching revolting porn. Sadly I worked this out far too late. I know very few women who have had cheating H's who like/liked their MILs.

[PlumProf]

It is a logical choice for a man in an unhappy marriage if he loves his DC. If he splits up the marriage then he will see very little of his DC and will feel guilty for the lower standard of living all round and for failing at his marriage. Not many women would LTB if it also meant leaving the children. So it can be escapism (from the marriage), validation (of himself), the seeking of a friend, all without losing the kids. Doesn't make it right, but it is understandable, and not without logic.

[NigellasDealer]

*i do know! not I do!

[NigellasDealer]

I do a man who behaves like this he might be described as whatever insulting word we like, but there is something about him that makes me wonder if he can even help his behaviour it is so deep-seated; when he was a toddler he had a horrible accident and was in hospital without his mother for months and months and so had to turn to the 'other women' (eg the nurses) and has simply continued that into adult life. That is my theory about him anyway and its a good one! he is not awful to his wife and keeps his dalliances very far from the family home. i mean i am not excusing serial adultery but there are often reasons for it besides 'oh he is a .......(insert insult here)'

[noddyholder]

I agree cogito I hae a friend in this situation

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Living in denial can also be a reflection of someone's crippling insecurity, of course. To someone with no confidence the prospect of being single is horrifying & marital failure is therefore unthinkable. So they put up with it because - to them - the alternatives are so much worse than the humiliation.

[AlternativeMoniker53]

If the women are living in denial or trying to save face and reading this, perhaps we can help? Your friends already know! They're not stupid. Dump the cunt.

[pillowhogger]

alternative depressingly, I suspect that might be the situation in the example I mentioned. (Wonder if it's the same guy!) makes me angry - he doesn't deserve a nice family life.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Maybe eventually they grow out of it'

The 'respectable' suit-wearing, Merc-driving, weekend motorbiking bloke I know is now 53 and shows no signs of curbing his enthusiasm for the ladies.... I think he'll only stop once he's physically unable to carry on.

[AlternativeMoniker53]

I have a really good friend whose husband behaves like this. I have absolutely no idea why she sticks with him, well I have many but they don't add up to making sense for me. It's not even like she's financially dependant. My thoughts are:
She loves him beyond reason
He's great in bed
She lacks self confidence
She'd be too humiliated to admit it's going on
She feels it's best for DC

That's all I've got. Given we all know it happened once I have no idea why we have to pretend it's not an ongoing situation. From my perspective it's a shitty way to live your life but there you go, it's her decision.

I'd say he's selfish, entitled, has a short attention span, is cowardly and is possibly frightened that he's not good enough for her. Oh, and a total arse.

[FolkGirl]

So if your DH was doing this, do you think you'd know? Would you want to know? Maybe eventually they grow out of it?

Of course I'd want to know about it. I couldn't give a shit if they might 'grow out of it' one day. I'd be long gone by then.

[Sparklysilversequins]

One woman\man isn't enough for them. They don't see why they should do the Mundane Married Faithful Thing because they are too special for it. They do like being serviced domestically though and playing Family so are very affronted when the cheated upon spouse tells them where to go.

Opportunity.

Society tells them they should be married and committed to one person when deep down they aren't ready to be and/or actually aren't suited to it.

Someone they like better comes along so they tell themselves they never loved the person they are cheating on anyway and this is True Love and The Real Thing.

Sometimes being faithful is really boring and they just don't want to do it anymore.

[pillowhogger]

So if your DH was doing this, do you think you'd know? Would you want to know? Maybe eventually they grow out of it?

[MissScatterbrain]

good article from leading expert on infidelity

[maleview70]

A lot of blokes cheat for sex alone like Arsenal said.

Often they are not even interested in the woman's name.

I have seen this loads of times on lads trips. Opportunity presents itself and off they go.

[arsenaltilidie]

Looking for a thrill in another person is what women do.
That is how women end up with men who are unsuitable because they see it as a challenge.

[Dirtybadger]

On a smaller scale (young so no marriage, etc). My exdp pretty much flitted from one LTR to another. He had a few ONS's and such as a student but these were with people whilst in a LTR. I don't think from a young age he was ever single. Having a relationship, I'm guessing, was a defining thing for him. It's ironic really because he sabotaged the relationship with his idiocy, but really needed it much more than me. He needed a relationship, anyway, not particularly with me. And he needed it at quite an intensity.
I don't really even feel angry for all the shit he did, I pity him.
We were together 3.5 years and it's been 4 months. He's plunged straight into another relationship. Must have taken about 8 weeks off. Seems nuts to me!

I think for these people (not all serial cheats, more a sub section) their LTR's are props. They are vain people who give more weight to how enjoyable their life should appear to be than how enjoyable their life actually is. They need to be in a steady relationship for their life to seem ideal (which is important) but they need to pursue the lust and extra marital stuff to actually enjoy it; and to reassure themselves that they're desirable.
I know the above probably applies to exdp. He was a traditionalist who wanted children, marriage, own home, nice car and all the material things- despite this conflicting with other lifestyle choices. For example you can't have a flash car and clothes if you don't earn enough. Well- you can but you are living a lie and in debt. For some people, that's just fine.

[arsenaltilidie]

That's what women don't get, it's about the sex, End off. They maybe a thrill to the woman involved but to a man those things are just a hinderance.
When the OW decides she wants more effort ie. more contact then it's usually time to move on to the next woman.
The longest kept OW are the ones who are the quietest.

[noddyholder]

I think it is thrilling to get away with it of course it is.