Name not on the mortgage

[barkinginessex]

DP and I seperated last year for 3 months, I stayed in the house and he moved in with a friend. I went to see a solicitor during the seperation to find out if I had any rights to the house as I pay half of the mortgage and bills. She told me I had no claim on the house as all the bills are in his name and the mortgage and deeds are in his name only and unless the money I pay into his account specifially state what the money is for then I would lose in court if I tried to claim anything.
I have been wanting to talk to DP since we got back together about having my name added to the mortgage or deeds but I didn't know how to start the conversation.
Last night I spoke to him about it and told him that I felt that our relationship wasn't equal etc and that I wanted my name on the deeds or on the mortgage to protect myself financially and to feel like I'm getting somewhere in life e.g. paying towards a mortgage. I also suggested a joint bank account and joint names on the bills.
DP was stunned by this and said he didnt understand why I felt this way and said I'm luckier than most women as he deals with all the bills and the mortgage and I don't have to because he looks after me. To be honest this made me feel like a 1950's housewife! I work full time in the city and I feel like its time for me to be financially independent, at the momemt I may as well be a lodger paying towards room and board as I give him a set amount each month, I'm not paying off our mortgage its HIS mortgage and the situation just doesn't feel right.
My friends think that if he won't commit to having a mortgage with me then I should leave, are they right?

[Spero]

I think one can safely assume no kidnap was involved.

But meanwhile, back in the real world, the problem is that people go into these relationships with different expectations and different assumptions and they don't talk about them.

Or even worse, and I have seen this quite a lot, the one with the power knows full well he is encouraging someone to contribute to his future financial security and has no intention whatsoever of contributing to hers.

Now, you might roll your eyes and say she is an idiot, and maybe she is. But I am not going to criticise or be contemptuous of someone who thought they were in love and were going to make the relationship work.

Its a very common delusion.

My advice to my daughter will be that you DO NOT move in with someone and pay their mortgage without some good frank chats about where exactly this relationship is going.

[JeanSeberg]

And I refer you to my previous post where you wouldn't go into any other partnership without seeking legal advice and drawing up some form of agreement or contract.

[JeanSeberg]

And it doesn't matter where the relationship is 'going', you protect yourself from the worst possible outcome. The most important lesson you teach your children is to separate love from finances/legal matters.

[Spero]

Yes. I am a family lawyer of 15 years experience. That is why I wouldn't do it.

But most people have no idea at all about equitable interests, constructive trusts etc and think 'common law wife' is a real thing.

So sadly it is very common for people to trip up.

The solution is not expecting people to sit reading the Land Registration Act 1925 into the small hours but for a general societal shift to more sensible thinking about relationships, not this bloody Disney version of happily ever after where nobody ever has to talk about the difficult stuff because Love Will Save the Day.

[Spero]

I disagree. I don't think you put it in separate boxes and never the twain shall meet. I think you say 'I love you, you love me, lets talk about how we are going to organise our lives together'.

I think this insistence on clear demarcation between love and money is one of the problems. Both require to be considered together.