Think I may have married a proper loser. What would you do?

[skybat]

This guy seemed really sweet to begin with but after we got married I found out he'd run up loads of debts behind my back. It wasn't the debts that bothered me, it was the lies that accompanied it. I cannot abide that. Anyways, because I loved him and believe that everyone is entitled to make mistakes, I forgave him and helped bail him out of the situation. He promised he wouldn't do it again and didn't but I kept an eye on him until I gradually gave back some trust and then all of it.

Five years on from that, he casually walks in the room last night, without a care in the world, and announces he's in trouble with money again. Luckily it's not too much but he also confessed he'd lost his job two months ago. Again, it's not the job loss, it's the pretending to go to work and being a straight faced liar that hurts me.

I don't believe he loves me, how can you love someone and then take the piss like that? It's disrespectful and carefree to the point of a teenage mind set. This guy is 40. He's also educated and intelligent, so it's not stupidity. Apparently, according to him, it was fear. I would have thought it would be more frightening to potentially lose your home, wife and family but what do I know. I say why did you say X and X if it wasn't true. You needn't have said anything at all. The answer - I don't know.

Fantastic.

I don't think I love him anymore, I just don't know, I can't tell, and maybe even past caring now. There's been a lot of other ups and downs. Is this worth bothering with anymore?
Should I just have a spring clean and chuck out all the shite?
Why has this happened, again?
Any insight to why he's done this would be good cuz I just don't get it. If it were me, I would just come home and say "I lost my job today. What we going to do?" Or something old fashioned like that so we could work it out together. What would you do about this? Do you know anyone like this?
I think he must be very very selfish and proud that he puts himself above everyone and everything. Am I right?
Thank you

[bell27]

No respect: No relationship

Its understandable that you dont want to break up your family, but you cant live a lie and expect your children to not pick up on it  even if its subconsciously
Youll mess your childrens heads up even more if you raise them in a home where you are living a lie
Be honest with yourself, be honest with him, be honest with your children
Your children will prefer a home built on honesty and trust, rather than lies, mistrust, and that gnawing feeling of something aint right

[skybat]

Morethan - Is that answer a wind up? I would say it's pretty naïve to assume you will never be in the position of asking advice because someone has taken advantage of you. Although I can't imagine anyone ever wanting to get that close to you somehow, so no it will probably never happen to you.

This was a part time job running alongside his studies, so he was paying his way as the main part of his income, from studying, goes into a joint account. This was his part time money, he used overdraft to subsidise himself to pretend he was working. It wasn't so cut and dried as this but I summed up rather than writing my life story.

Yes, bottom line he deceived me, I am loathe to break up our family, but also want to be treated right. I'm blinkered and can't see the right way to turn right now. I asked for opinion on the situation, not insults from people too ridiculous to have an opinion.

I have also had a lot of sensible advice from people who have helped me see the wood for the trees and I thank you for that.
I now know the general feeling towards this.

Very helpful, thank you very much :-)

[morethanpotatoprints]

You are either naïve, stupid or this is a wind up?

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

Forgivable? Seriously? Not in my world. He lied to you for two months. He didn't just neglect to tell you that he lost his job. I assume you've had conversations about how your day went, how his colleagues are etc etc. He lied to you constantly. LTB.

[Goodadvice1980]

LTB - my first ever one!!

Seriously, people like this are emotional vampires.

[bell27]

Lesson no.1: People NEVER change
Understand & accept he is the person that he is- as demonstrated by his actions, not his words
He has shown you, very clearly, who he is - now you choose.
And you alone take responsibility for your choice and the consequences
Please choose wisely, for your own sake
All the best

[Earlybird]

Did he not get any redundancy money? I would think that money is what your family has been living off for the past two months - rather than going into debt?

What he has done is a huge betrayal of trust. I can understand his feeling upset/ashamed/frightened about losing his job, but can't forgive how he kept it from you for so long.

Would it be worth going to Relate or some other sort of marital counseling as a last resort?

[MistressDeeCee]

I think he is a loser and sadly, you will have to cut loose from him.

You could end up jointly responsible for huge debts, and also he is a liar. You wont have a stable life with him. Some people just aren't good at dealing with responsibility in life and often its not fear - they simply dont want to deal with it, they want to do whatever they want but have a partner by their side as their safety harness. Whatever it is, you are likely to fall out of love with him so I cant see this being a successful relationship. He'll drag you down. Best make plans to get rid, and make sure he doesnt leave you in the financial lurch

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

I too suspect that if you spoke to his ex boss, the truth is not the version you have heard. He tells you he loves you but that is probably a salve to get straight financially again, ready for the next round of gouging you! Love is a verb and lying to you for two months (if it is two months) is taking the massive piss frankly!

I would now do loads of digging including speaking to the boss. I would have to know the exact nature of what is going on in my own life OP. I doubt I could stay as I would never trust him again even to tell me the time of day. Sorry you are going through this, at least you sound wise to him and his knobber ways!

[IslaValargeone]

You sound like you are describing someone you have been on a couple of dates with.
'This guy' Really?
I don't think this is a relationship worth investing in on any level to be honest.

[Lavenderhoney]

It can be forgiven, yes, but you have to think if you want to live your life with this.

If your marriage is strong in other ways, and the love is there and you can understand your partners urge to lie and get into debt, and feel you don't mind being married and spending the rest of your life with them.

Otherwise, you take a long hard look at everything and think " you know what? That's enough now"

[Stockhausen]

Divorce rates are so high, because people have a choice now! They dont have to spend their lives married to liars or abusers.

My dear 'father' left his wife thousands in debt, which she's still paying off now, years after divorcing him.

Sorry op, but I'd also bet there is more to come :(

[Cthulu]

"this guy.."

[something2say]

I could not respect a man like that either. So sorry x

[nennypops]

I agree that he's probably lied about the job out of initial shock, shame and embarrassment. Then it carried on because he was ashamed of the original lie. I think you really need to talk to him properly about what has happened and his reasons for his actions before making any big decisions.

[3mum]

I hope all your finances are separate. If not, separate them now as a matter of urgency. I agree with those posters who say there is probably more to find and also that you do not have the true story about what happened at work. For me the lying would be a killer, whatever his motives.

[RandomInternetStranger]

Sounds like my ex! Sorry but if he can be that disrespectful, irresponsible, immature and lie that blatantly then he is, as you ask, a loser and I'd get shot of him before he drags you and everyone else down with him. He should have grown up by now.

[singleandfabulous]

Ive just split up with someone like this. His ex wife did the same. They dont change, they just blame other people (work, parents, family etc..) Honestly OP, the lies you know about will be the tip of the ice-berg.

[cozietoesie]

.... And if what he says is true, he would have had grounds fir unfair dismissal - you can't just sack someone like that.......

I think that 'if what he says is true' are the critical words there. Right now, his story doesn't hang together and I would guess that there's a whole lot more behind this. But as I said previously, I'd view what he's just told you as his opening gambit and prepare for much more to come.

[Lavenderhoney]

It's more than two months isn't it? He would have had notice. And if what he says is true, he would have had grounds fir unfair dismissal - you can't just sack someone like that.

I'm guessing you don't have joint accounts otherwise you would have seen the salary stop. This is a good thing not being linked, you aren't liable for his debt. But- are you paying the bills anyway? Because that means you haven't noticed him not contributing unless he ran up an overdraft.

Its all a bit calculating unless he thought he would get another job, but hanging round the library? Really? And he could have helped more with you and the dc if he was off.

Don't bail him out will you? What does he buy with the money?

It sounds like its one thing after another with him, and you've had enough now.

[cozietoesie]

.......He's only got in a couple of hundreds worth of debt this time......

Which is highly unlikely to be true of course. That's what he's fessing up to right now but I'll lay a reasonable wager that that's his 'starting point' and that you'll find out it's worse. ('Sorry Darling, I forgot about that one'...'Sorry Darling, I got confused'....'Sorry Darling'......'Sorry Darling'....and so on.)

He may well 'love you' in some sort of way but it's the kind of regard that's important now. It won't be that of an equal.

I'd find out the true scale of your problems directly - but I'd make it as part of the divorce process and after seeking legal advice. If you stay with him and sort the situation yet again it will just mean many further years of doubt, lies and problems.

[Wuxiapian]

It'd make me wonder what else he's lied about...

Yes, he's a loser. Ditch him.

[tribpot]

so they dismissed him from his work to concentrate on his studies, apparently. so he says.

Really? They lost an employee and had all the hassle of re-recruiting, rather than just finding a solution to managing his work and studies? I simply don't believe that in the light of his other lies.

He's only got in a couple of hundreds worth of debt this time. He confessed after two months as he said it was going the same way as before

And the same way as before was, he got into debt, then he brought the problem to you to solve. How is this time going to be different? When is he getting another job to pay his debts?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'd also attribute his behaviour to embarrassment/shame, denial and fear rather than something more malicious or sinister. I don't know what reaction he's had in the past (from you or others) when he's owned up to problems but clearly it hasn't been good. Being very charitable, that he told you about being a few hundred in debt before it turned into a few thousand could be regarded as personal growth.

None of that really matters, however, if all you feel for him now is contempt. It's very difficult to respect or trust someone who would rather stick their head in the sand and lie then face the music. I feel very sorry for you but I also find myself feeling rather sorry for him that he's going to lose everything simply because he didn't want to accept the truth.