Not sure how much longer I can take this...

[EverythingsDozy]

I caught my DH in my bed with another woman on NYE. He's told me he's in love with the OW and won't be coming home, he wants a divorce. There was absolutely no signs that he wanted to leave, I was absolutely gobsmacked. He wasn't acting different at all leading up to this, everyone was shocked and thinks he's going through a midlife crisis, albeit very young! Nobody saw this coming, he's always been so devoted to me and the kids.
He's left me single with two young children. I'm now stuck on benefits because I have no source of income, which I hate.
I just want the stupid idiot to come home. I miss him so badly. The thought of a divorce fills me with dread, I can't bear it. I don't know how much longer I can cope in this situation. CMO phoned today to let me know how much he should be paying towards the children but it just seems so final. I don't want him to be paying maintenance, I want him home!
How am I meant to go on without him? I find myself crying all the time. How can he love her after such a short time but treat me, the woman he's been with for 10 years, the mother of his children, like a piece of trash? I feel like I've been stomped on, screwed up and discarded like nothing.
It's our two year wedding anniversary in a few weeks time. I just can't believe that less than two years ago, we were so happy and he promised to love me forever. I can't believe things could have changed in such a short time.
I love him so much. How can I get over him?? Every day I live in hope that he will come home.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'What happened?' is a natural reaction to a shock event. A shock for you, that is. He knew what was he was doing and had possibly even decided that things were over well before he was caught with his pants down. Being caught just speeded things up but he could have carried on fooling you & acting normally for years. I don't think his OW was the first, she won't be the last, and I don't think he's 'in love' with anyone either. He's playing the field and probably sees it as making up for lost time.

Of course you want to try to fix it because you're very upset, feeling sorry for yourself, and you'd like things to go back how they were. As you're unlikely to get the opportunity, best to make the most of the hand you've been dealt.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Reading MNers' threads it seems the finality of the action taken by that person who walks out on the relationship so abruptly is what torments the partner who's left. That denial of any discussion beforehand makes conventional closure unattainable. It seems very unjust.

EverythingsDozy I am not surprised you are re-running everything through your head. Someone you trusted entirely showed amazing acting skills .

[EverythingsDozy]

I don't know how long I was depressed, during my first pregnancy I think.
I can't help thinking about it all. Recently it's just all been floating around In my head and I just can't get it out. Everything that happened before, during and after the event. He was so normal before! Acting his usual kind happy self. What happened??? I know I'm torturing myself but I just want to try and fix it. I know him coming in and saying sorry won't make it all okay but I want the chance to fix it all. I know it isn't going to happen because he's all loved up with this bitch apparently. I can't see it to be honest, he doesn't seem like he's happy and in love.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Unless I misread, he hasn't actually said that your own depression drove him into OW's arms. You say H was your rock. Eleven years together and you were suffering depression, for how long during that relationship out of interest?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

BTW... put the wedding pictures well away.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" I do miss him and I know it's stupid after all he's done."

It's not stupid. You've spent your entire adult life with the same person and it's bound to leave a big hole. New Years Eve was only three months ago. It takes time to fill that gap.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Your Dad didn't leave you, he died. I'm sure, given the choice, he'd rather not have died. Your doctors and HVs are people doing a job. They are allowed lives and careers of their own. They don't move on in order to make you feel bad, they move on because it's right for them and their families.

Your exH has betrayed you and chosen to specifically hurt you. He's different to the others. Why did he marry you? Probably for the same reason a lot of people get married very young i.e you liked/loved each other, you'd been together a while and it seemed like the logical next step and a good idea at the time. I don't think for a minute he really thought through what it actually means to be married rather than get married. With the same person for ever, bringing up children, running a home, an equal partnership, 'forsaking all others', responsibility, maturity .... he had an opportunity to screw someone else and took it. Selfish, impetuous, immature, irresponsible .... there's a lot of it about.

Does he 'love' the new person? Did he 'love' you? Quite often the only person these people love - despite what they say - is themselves.

[EverythingsDozy]

Thank you.
It doesn't help at all that I have abandonment issues. My dad died when I was 14 (had been with my now husband for 6 months when he died) and he really helped me through it but since then I just seem to drive people away. Everyone I care about seems to leave me, even down to doctors and health visitors who I confide in and trust and they all end up leaving their job and leaving me with a stranger to talk to, until I get to know them and then they leave.
My husband was the one person who has pulled me through all of this, he's been my rock for so long. Him leaving has just cemented the fact that everyone leaves me.
Health visitors / gps / therapists have suggested I'm a people pleaser, I do what I can to make everyone happy to prevent people from leaving. And I can't even do that right, not even my DH wanted to stay with me. And he married me!!
I have no idea why he married me. Surely it can't take less than two years to decide to run off? Did he ever love me?? I'm still just hurting so badly. I look at our wedding pictures and wonder what has gone on. The look on his face suggests he loves me but how can he have done this so soon after?

I honestly think that if he came back I would say no until he has proven to me that he wants to be with me. I do miss him and I know it's stupid after all he's done.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're not stupid, just human. It's tough to understand how someone could be so selfish & treat you so shittily, largely because you'd never stoop to behaving that way yourself. And it's OK to hold it together all day and then go home to an empty house and feel lonely or upset. What you've experienced is right up there with bereavement for causing stress and misery - especially the way it ended. FWIW you don't even sound depressed. You're struggling & you're unhappy but you're coping so hold onto that. Do keep talking to friends and family. They'll understand that you need support still.

There's an MN phrase this too shall pass and that's what it takes here - time. But I promise you that you will emerge one day, older, wiser, more resilient and more confident in your own abilities as a result of this horrible experience. Then life begins again.

[AnandaTimeIn]

Oh, my goodness. 13 even....

This is the universe telling you it is high time you took care of your own destiny!!

Yes, you can do it!

I'm a SP, 20 years down the road, if that helps

Life is so much better without these fuckwits clogging up your home, energy and space with their bullshit.

[AnandaTimeIn]

You were 14 when you got together?

That is awfully young.....

Between 14 and 24 or 40 massive changes happen in life as we move on, develop and become more of who we really are.

That means also we will not be in the same relationship from 14 - 84 any more.

But we have to be honest in life in accommodating those changes, sounds like he wasn't, took the path of least resistance.

Please kick him out, get yourself together MOVE ON YOU DON'T WANT A MAN BACK WHO COULD TREAT YOU SO CRUELLY....

You may not think now, but you really can get yourself and your kids a fabulous life without that fuckwit

[Logg1e]

I think that most of us have grieved for our dead relationship and dead lifestyle/role and dead future.

I think it's important to keep this separate (in your consciousness) to missing the ex. It stopped me for romanticising him and fixating on him. Well, a bit anyway.

[tipsytrifle]

You are not stupid at all. You are strong and you are now fully You. Survival brings out the fighter, hey? Been so very there ...

He may have wrecked this dream but in time you will have better dreams and they will come true ...

Do what you need to do, include crying as and when ... you shine, you really do .. is why I have the utmost total confidence in you.

[EverythingsDozy]

Thank you. You're all right and I know you are! I'm mourning for the person he was, he is gone now.
I know I can do it, I've surprised myself getting as far as I have. My family and friends are all so proud of me for being so strong so I feel like a fraud when I get home and cry over him! With my depression and the fact that I was heavily reliant on him, I never thought I could do anything without him. I never thought I could look after two children (age 3 and 1) alone and now I realise that I can. I miss the man he was and I know that he isn't coming back. I just crave what we used to have.
Stupid stupid stupid idiot bastard man. And stupid me for believing him.

[tipsytrifle]

I'm so sorry for your pain OP. It seems to me that you need to start a new life now and regard it as being without him. Those tax credits need sorting as does other stuff you might be entitled to. I don't know about these.

Just wanted to offer you some support as you pick yourself up from the floor. You can and you will. For practicality's sake it kind of needs to be on the assumption that this is over. Food on the table and bills paid is daily bread stuff ...

Soooo about finding him in your bed with her ... *want to borrow a flame thrower at all?

[chateauferret]

OP this is another monumental twat and an utter utter bastard. Nobody who's "a good guy really" could behave like this, even once.

Consider the message you're sending him if you beg him to come back. You're teaching him that it's ok to sleep around, lie, steal your money and use you as his domestic servant. And if he cheats he doesn't even have to apologise: you'll come running after him. Oh, and then there's the lesson your DC wi learn from it.

The only way to handle an arse like this is to kick him out, keep him out, chuck his stuff out, take him to the cleaners, and get on with your life while he drowns in his own shite. Good riddance; you deserve better.

[struggling100]

Oh, you poor love, what an awful shock.

You were extremely young when you got together with him, and you're still so young now (at least compared to an old bid of 36 like me!). I imagine he was also quite young at the time? He is all you've ever known in terms of relationships, so this is a huge upheaval for you. I think that you are possibly grieving not for him (as Laurie said: 'Why would you want someone back who can treat you so badly?') but for the fact that you no longer have certainty in your life. A major plank of your family, and your own identity has gone, and you feel all at sea.

You WILL get through this, and my God, you will come out fighting and strong at the end of it! I know it is very tough now, but you are far more resilient than you are giving yourself credit for. You WILL handle whatever is thrown at you (and by the way I seriously recommend Susan Jeffers Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway for the anxiety). Gather round all friends and family that you can for support. Focus on your DC, and on keeping the ship stable at home. Be gentle to yourself. Get through a day at a time, and don't hesitate to come on here and vent if you need to!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It takes a long time to get over a shock as terrible as the one you've had OP, but you will get there eventually. I know it's tempting to think that if he just walked back through the door and said sorry, everything would be OK. But you're not going to get that option by the sound of it. He's behaving irresponsibly, immaturely and very cruelly... and there's nothing you can really do about that.

What you can do, however, is look out for #1 and your DCs. Park ideas of romantic love for a second, roll up your sleeves and start taking advice on how to come out of this mess, if not with your marriage intact, with your dignity intact and as much compensation as you can get.

Definitely stop talking to his mother. When the chips are down, no matter how crap a son has behaved, he's still her son and she'll be on his side. Work out who your real friends are, close ranks, get some really good legal and practical advice and then go for the separation.

Sorry you've had this nasty experience but one day you'll be grateful you found him and only wasted 2 years married to the little shit rather than 22.

[Jan45]

His mum is always going to take her son's side, no matter what, stop confiding in her.

[EverythingsDozy]

I was actually really shocked at his mums reaction because she had this happen to her when she was pregnant with my husbands older brother. I thought she would be all sympathy for me but she was quite cruel on that one occasion. I was hurt!

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

He's taking your tax credits??

OP you need to sort this out. Don't just hang around hoping he'll come back. Your kids are entitled to that money.

[EverythingsDozy]

Yes thank you minty. I did that first of all because I knew the tax credits were due and hoped they might be able to cancel them and put them into mine but they couldn't.
I do have days where I feel great but not today, not recently. I have been upped a dose of antidepressants but they haven't worked as of yet.

[livingzuid]

Do not let him screw you financially as well. I'm at the tax credits.

What his mother may or may not think is neither here nor there it is none of her business. Do not allow her to sway you with a sob story over cash for her cheating son.

The advice to contact tax credits and tell them you are separated is an excellent one. I don't know if you can legally sell his stuff although I don't blame you for wanting to do so and if you need to feed your children then you raise the money how you can given he took 300 from the account.

He does not sound lovely or a good dad or worthy of your tears or affection. You can do better than this.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Think of MIL as the DCs' taxi, don't divulge anything to her.

Hope your mum and friends have been there for you amidst all this.

[Jan45]

You need to get angry OP and take him for every penny you can, your kids will need it.