My sister's wedding- is it me?

[CranberryCookie]

My sister has decided not to have anyone other than two friends (to act as witnesses) at her actual wedding ceremony. She will then have a fake wedding ceremony later the same day, which family and friends are invited to.

I'm totally baffled by this- I was expecting to be at her actual wedding and share in her joy as she gets married. Our parents especially feel hurt at not being invited to the real wedding. I just can't understand why she wants to do it this way.

The reason she gives is cost- she doesn't want to spend extra on a big room at the registry office, and their (very cheap) venue doesn't have a licence so they can't have a real wedding there. But I don't buy it- her and her fiancé eat out several nights a week- they can afford a bit more money for a full registry office wedding.

I'm gutted that I won't see her get married but she clearly doesn't understand why I have an issue with this.

Is it me?

[WhateverTrevor83]

*it's their wedding

[WhateverTrevor83]

I think 'fake wedding' sounds a bit mean/judgemental.

I'd be disappointed too but it's wedding isn't it? You'll have a lovely day don't worry. Each to their own and all that.

[momb]

Cranberry, what everyone is saying is that the ceremony is at the wedding; the bit to which everyone is invited. You need to believe this and stop dwelling on the registry office, as it is not the wedding.
What they are doing at the registry office is just that; registering their rmarriage. No vows, nothing personal, just the legal minimum. At our registry office these are done in an office rather than a ceremony room and you can only have 2 witnesses, no-one else will fit.

[DurhamDurham]

I wasn't invited to my brother and (ex) sil's wedding, it was in a church but they only wanted the parents there. we travelled from Bucks to Newcastle for the weekend just to go to their night time party. I wasn't exactly delightled, especially as I was quietly hoping my two girls (who were 4 and 8 at the time)were going to be asked to be bridesmaids.
However I didnt say anything, didn't make a fuss and went along with their plans. They only people they had to keep happy were themselves, everyone else had to fit around them and their day. Not worth falling out about. The bad feelings created could last for years.
They are divorced now, marriage didn't last very long and I never did 'bond' with my sil but it's never really troubled me, we just didn't have anything in common.

[SuzanneV]

My SIL did pretty much the same thing, got married at registry office with just parents present, then had a blessing outdoors as that was what they really wanted but would not have been legal. Nobody minded at all, we were all present at the 'real' ceremony. It is one day when bride and groom should really be able to do it their way.

[CranberryCookie]

This is all really helpful, thanks... I'm prepared to admit when I've misjudged something. I'll talk to my parents and try to reframe it for them.

All the weddings of friends and family that I've been to have been legally binding and, as I'm not religious, that is the bit that feels like a big deal to me- the whole "I now pronounce you husband and wife". But we're all different so I will shelve my views and just enjoy the day...

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

My DBro and his wife had a small do at the registry office (which incidentally I wasn't invited to, but I thought nothing of it - I think they just had both sets of parents) - Then they had a big do in a church a few days later, but as they didn't have the official service or CofE vicar officiating, it couldn't be the official marriage. But lovely church service with their own vows and lovely reception nearby afterwards.
But I doubt if most guests even realised this, or if they did I doubt they would have minded.
I think the important thing here for you is if you can change your view of the bigger celebration as being "fake" in some way?
I think for them, it's just as real, or more important even, because all their friends and family will be with them, than the official bit at the registry office.
HTH and you all have a lovely day

[SidandAndyssextoy]

OP, you WILL be at the ceremony. You won't be at the legal exchange in an office. The basic legal vows take about two minutes to read out. Your sister will be one feeling hurt if her family can't support her choice of wedding. None of our family members minded at all, and the only reference to it has been my MiL wondering what our wedding anniversary is - legal or humanist bit.

[MinesAPintOfTea]

I've been to one wedding like this: they obviously thought the "fake" wedding where they actually expressed their love for each other meant more than the "real" wedding when they had (apparently) made the two legally required statements and signed. The bride was crying tears of joy throughout the personal and beautiful service they organised.

[NotNewButNameChanged]

What's more fake? Them choosing the arrangements that suit them or people who have a big church wedding but have no religious beliefs?

A few years ago my now ex and I were invited to a small summer party by some older friends (who had been living together for some years). There were about 24 of us, sat out in their garden, drinks and nibbles. During which the friends announced that earlier that day they'd been to the register office and got married with two witnesses and this was their reception!

We were chuffed to bits for them (and amazed that we were considered that close to them to have invited us). We didn't think it at all odd and it was a fabulous time and precisely what they wanted.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Agree with Anniegetyourgun that it's not a particularly modern concept. Back in the early seventies some friends of our family nipped off to a registry office without much fuss and then had a celebration party later on for friends and relatives. Lots of people get married privately overseas these days and do something similar back home at a later date. With respect OP, I think you and any elderly relatives should get over yourselves....

[Evie2014]

The way your sister is doing it makes perfect sense to me. I've been to quite a few weddings where the legalities were sorted out days or even weeks beforehand.

If she made an "exception" for you and your parents to be at the legal marriage then she would have a two-tier wedding situation and many headaches. Far better to just have the witnesses, as legally required, and then the big "do".

I think your spin on it - calling the celebration the "fake" wedding - might be a little hurtful to your sister if she has put all her effort into creating a lovely event for friends and family.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I'd hazard a wild guess it is to keep out the "older relatives who won't understand" that they're making it no family instead of a favoured few! It's not to exclude you or her parents because she is confident that you, at least, will understand. (As it turns out, she was wrong about that.) Auntie Effie can't get all offended at not being there if the bride's own mother and sister weren't!

Btw it's not all that modern; my mother did something very similar in 1958.

[CrazyOldCatLady]

I believe in Germany it is normal to have a civil and separate wedding.
That's the way in France too.

I think you need to let her get on with doing it the way she wants. It makes perfect sense.

[struggling100]

Just to add my voice to those who are saying that the problem here is one of perception: the second ceremony isn't 'fake' and the first one 'real'; rather, your sister has judged that both are needed for the wedding to be both legal and emotionally satisfying. The more you can talk your parents around to this viewpoint, the happier everyone will be! At the end of the day, what matters is that you enjoy a lovely family occasion together.

[Trumpton]

My DD and her husband did this 8 years ago. They went to the registry office in the morning wearing jeans and then we had the all singing and dancing in field with the village tents later. I know which ceremony I consider to be the "real" one.
Try to get your parents to see that the paperwork is just a hoop to be jumped through in order to have a joyful and meaningful day with friends and family.
I believe in Germany it is normal to have a civil and separate wedding.

[Magicstars]

Sorry X posted OP.
If anyone grumbles, stick up for your sis. Explain that the reg office bit isn't the real wedding to them. They are invited to the 'real', later ceremony if that's how your dsis sees it.
People should just support others wishes rather than getting bogged down in tradition & formality. We kept it quiet about the reg office so people didn't get funny & so we didn't have to keep justifying things.

[Magicstars]

We did this, as far as we were concerned the 'real' wedding was our highly personalised but unlicensed ceremony, which we wanted to share with our nearest & dearest. The legal bit at the reg office was a formality (to us). We just invited a witness each, DH wore jeans & went to job interview in the afternoon.
The following Saturday we had a wonderful day, making vows to each other, exchanging rings & sharing it all with our friends & family.
We didn't want more people at the Reg office as we didn't want them to thinks of that as having been our wedding. It may have been legally, but not emotionally or spiritually for us.
Just enjoy the wedding day with them & don't make a fuss about the reg office bit.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

She has a beautiful venue she wants to marry in, and for everyone to be there to see it and celebrate with her. Trouble is it isnt licensed. So shes popping to the registry office prior with her witnessess to do the "legal bit" then will come to the venue and have the wedding she really wants.

Makes sense.

[Cabrinha]

But this is how people move with the times. You've had a group of people explain their ceremonies - how and why - here. Why not show the thread to your parents? Older relatives if they ask their friends find they have examples to share too. I hope that when I'm older I'm not stuck in my ways!
In France, a church wedding doesn't fulfill legal requirements. Several couples I know (I worked in France) just skipped off to the town hall in jeans to sign paperwork a few days before. Big church wedding to follow. No-one would consider it fake.
You could compare it to filling out the licence application here - that doesn't require a party and a dress, does it?! It's just admin.
I think you're being quite rude to her using the work fake - unless she's happily saying that herself.

[CranberryCookie]

Thanks for all the replies. It looks like I'm out of touch with what happens at modern weddings...

I can totally understand that if you're doing it for religious reasons then the legal bit is not the real ceremony. And if you're strapped for cash then saving a few hundred pounds is important. But neither of these apply to my sister- she's just having a standard registrar.

I'm not going to make a fuss about it. I'm disappointed I won't be at the ceremony, but I'm more upset that she's hurting our parents. I'm sure there are other older relatives who won't understand as well...

[Bogeyface]

Is it "fake" though?

Who is doing the ceremony?

We did this. We had a humanist ceremony which isnt legally binding, so we had to "do the legals" at the registry office which was us and 6 friends, followed by what we saw as our "proper" marriage ceremony afterwards at the hotel. It was significantly cheaper (think £100 instead of several hundred for the same words, by the same person just in a different place). The humanist ceremony was personal to us, the vows were personal to us and we have always felt the our wedding was the humanist one and not the registry office one.

[youmakemydreams]

I wish I'd done this first time around tbh. It was so stressful trying to find somewhere big enough to accommodate everyone that we could afford so in the end we did neither we just had a tiny wedding. Had we dome it this way we could have got the paperwork bit out the way and had another and to us real wedding where we wanted to with everyone we would have liked to invite.

I think you sister feels you are watching get get married. She is having a ceremony that to her will most likely be the bit she remembers when she looks back on the day the registry office bit is a formality. And it does cost a heck of a lot more to get a bigger room. We could have done it even cheaper if we had only had 2 witnesses and nothing more but we got the medium sized room the large town hall room east ridiculously expensive.

[SidandAndyssextoy]

We had a register office wedding with two friends as witnesses followed a couple of days later with a big humanist wedding. We only asked the friends along because we really didn't see it as our wedding and wanted to keep it to the utter minimum. Once you invite just one set of other people, you end up with 20 people!

We had our legal ceremony late morning (and it did feel more meaningful than we expected but it was very brief), had a nice lunch with our witnesses to thank them both for taking a day's leave from work, and then raced back home to take DS to his swimming lesson! We didn't wear new clothes or anything.

On the Saturday we had our wedding, complete with 120 guests, family, best man and bridesmaid (our witnesses again), food, dancing, and a really moving ceremony with readings, music and our own vows. I don't think many people there even realised it wasn't a legal wedding.

[HelloDoris]

We're doing this, it's all cost in our case £130 to do it legally with only 2 close friends. If we did it with the number of guests we want to invite it would be close to £800 for the registrar alone without room hire etc added on tip. We see our "fake ceremony" as our wedding day, the legal bit is just us going to sign some paperwork. I know our families have found it difficult to understand but to have all the people there we wanted we had to make a compromise.

There could be any number of reasons why they have done it this way, be happy for them and embrace their wedding as you would any other.