can anyone please give me some advice on how to help myself ?

[Cantthinkstraightx]

please don't judge me I am in a bad situation.
I have been with DH for 22 years and have 4dc 2 grown up and 2 little.
I was told when I got married that I could never go home and my parents meant it . it's just the way they are . marriage is for ever .
I have never been happy and repeatedly asked him to go .
on here once before someone said why should he go ? Why not ? I don't know I just know I can't go on and I can't actually think clearly to help myself and would really appreciate someone telling me straight small things or big things I can do .
I sound pathetic but I feel like an overdose is becoming more and more my only option . I spend my life looking after and organising work life and home . I know many people do but seriously I d so much. I do all the adult things at home pay bills sort childcare cars holidays money ect. My best friend is terminally ill and my other best friend is in hospital with a mental health problem , I worry about them both constantly . DH never even asks how they are when I get in from the hosp . I hold down a professional job and absolutely no one has any clue apart from my dc and DH how unhappy I am .i ask DH every day prob ten times to leave and have for the last year but before this also . His parents would always welcome him because they are good people and would always be there for him . My parents live nearby and haven't been to see their grandchildren for 3 years ! I Have to take them and listen to what a terrible mother and daughter I am for not coming more often whenever I go.
DH promised me zillions of times he would change and I now know he won't . When I cry and beg him to go primarily because I don't want our dc growing up thinking our relationship is normal he just sneers at me . He won't let me past and blocks my way and just winds me up like I can't explain. It's like he will be really verbally nasty and I ask him to let me by so when I eventually push he throws his arms in the air and shouts that I've hit him so the dc thnk I have . This really hurts me and he knows this so he does it at every opportunity . He has hurt me and he then laughs at me . He hasn't like punched me in the face he has spat at me and strangled me but not to like really hurt me just ridicule me . The atmosphere is awful and what I hate the most is the effect on the children . He acts like everything is normal and refuses point blank to talk he pushes me away at all costs. I told him several times this weekend if he didn't go to his mums I would kill myself and he said good Dont make a mess . I just sit here now and just cry and he completely ignores me day in day out like I'm really not here . If I take pills I think because of other people then knowing how unhappy I am he might move out . I can't go with 4 dc we have nowhere to go and no money to go with . I know i have to do something for dc but can't even think straight. Feel so drained .I love them so much and am a failure as a mother for not protecting them . if I sound like I'm just feeling sorry for myself I'm not I really am desperately to do the right thing but what is that ?

[Cantthinkstraightx]

Update.
After many many years he has finally gone !
been on our own for approx 10 weeks .
Anyfucker you were right . Its been just as you said . Begging pleading telling me to the point of me believing him how i wont cope without him and I have torn the family apart . It's all my fault .
Sometimes he'd send me 20 texts a day but each and every one was entirely about him . How much he was crying how much he'd changed how much he'd realised what he did was wrong . I discovered he had an entirely differremt life after my last post . he was on at least 15 differrent dating sites all smutty correspondence . Lots of things have fallen into place. just as Anyfucker said he has just turned nasty . The most hurtful thing is that he is not seeing much of his dc x 4 . I can take all his abuse to me but honestly didn't think he would be so absent with dc. He just says he is busy .
Apart from that we are ok.
very very tired as I work and look after dc on my own but have realised what a amazing group of friends I have .
We laugh sometimes now .
We fall into bed exhausted but happier and I know the children will benefit from seeing that I got out of a this relationship and fought for what was right .They know our relationship was wrong .
I never thought I'd be where I am now and it's still early days and he is being nasty. I look at my dc and instead of getting upset too much I think omg at least he's gone !!!
I have so much to look forward to now .
I worry about the lack of his contact with dc and never ever put him down to them buts its hard when ds is crying when his dd doesn't turn up .Thats hard .
nothing formal has been sorted because he won't communicate so as soon as I can afford it I will file for divorce .
he still thinks its all my fault tho he apparently was pushed into all the cyber sex stuff because I wasn't affectionate enough . no I wasn't because I was only ever honest with him and told him I wanted out but he would look down at me and sneer and say that I would never be free of him . Well I am now for the first time since I was 19 and I'm in my 40,s now .
I can do this because he has gone and it feels good .
I feel a bit of a fraud because I live in a small town and quite a few people have expressed their sadness for my marriage ending and given me a hug and secretly I'm thinking lucky bloody escape ! How awful is that ? X We were the perfect couple to so many folk !
I am almost free x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Still hate the thought of hurting him in the process tho"

It's impossible to hurt someone who doesn't care what you think or do. A man that sneers at you & would spit in your face doesn't care at all. He thought you had no choices because of this bizarre 'never go home' business so please be careful. Once he realises you are serious, he could become more dangerous.

Safety first

[Gudgyx]

I have no advice but i didn't want to read and run. Just want to say you are doing the right thing for you and your DC, you need away from this man.

Stay strong, and don't worry about hurting him. He hasn't worried about hurting you, in fact it seems as though he likes it.

Goof luck with everything, sending you massive hugs.

[jacques1972]

Change the locks then call the police if he tries to break in. Please do something for you and your children's sake. You cannot go on like this and stay away from your toxic parents. Good luck. x

[chocoraisin]

just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Stay calm and do the next right thing, little by little you will walk yourself right out of that door. And you will never be so glad in all your life when you can close it firmly behind you. We'll hold your hand.

My only advice is to keep calm and carry on, don't try and talk. Don't show your cards to him. He isn't going to become a reasonable person now - in fact abusers always get more dangerous when they realise they are losing control - so play your hand close to your chest right now, the longer you can make your plans quietly the better.

Good luck

[Wigsy]

Good for you. I'm glad you got the screen shots. You don't sound barking, you sound strong, sure, and certain of yourself, like a different person from the one who wrote the opening post.

Life without him is going to be amazing for you: please keep walking towards it, and don't look back.

[AnyFucker]

was he worrying about hurting you when he was having virtual sex with other women ?

well done

and please, resist the emotional blackmail that he will undoubtedly try to drown you with, and when that doesn't work he will turn nasty

it's in the script, and it's completely predictable

[Qix]

Not barking at all. When I left my DH people would always say things like 'oh [head tilt] that must be sooo hard' But actually it wasn't hard. Making the decision was hard, but after it was made, it was great. A lot easier than I'd thought it would be during all the preceding years of fretting.

Good luck

[Cantthinkstraightx]

well I've done it. I've made an appointment with a solicitor to hear my options ect.
I tried to discuss again with oh last night but he just smirked at me and refused point blank to discuss.
Then he texted me this morning that I was throwing everything away and could we work at it !
I wanted to say actually you threw it away in the study yesterday when you were online asking some girl to masturbate with you !
I have taken some screen shots as evidence .
I think I have reached a point where I feel ready to do this.
Do I sound barking when I say it's already a relief that I've made the decision and have told my bf and that I am looking forward to a life without him already ?
Still hate the thought of hurting him in the process tho .

[livingzuid]

cant

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You can divorce on the grounds of adultery if you have the evidence straight away but I don't know if he has to sign the papers or not. I divorced my X over unreasonable behaviour (lord knows you have had more than enough to put up with) but X had to sign.

Do you have the evidence of emails and the profile stuff etc?

Get legal advice they will tell you for sure what is what. It is possible to sort this out so you are free.

You are being so strong. Please take care.

[NiaceGuidelines]

Cant, I have just read your post. Please please leave. Can you talk to your grown up children at all? Can they help you.

I have also just decided to separate from my controlling and oppressive partner. You have made me more resolved not to go back. They don't change do they.

I am sure your children will know what is happening and will be relieved you are taking steps to a happier life.

[Cantthinkstraightx]

I'm going to see a solicitor but he will be fuming . Have tried to talk like adults but he just won't . Do you know how long this might go on for if he refuses to sign or discuss ? And I've finally told my bf who has been completely amazing x x

[Qix]

Take screen shots or photograph the screens so you have evidence.

Speak to a solicitor.

[Cantthinkstraightx]

I found it it was in his drawer ( full of wires abc computer leaf. ) had a quick play and I think only a picture of our chicken in the garden on it . Wierd .

[DIYapprentice]

A spy camera to go on his key fob? If it's always on his key ring (you can check, can't you?) at a guess it would be for using to see under women's skirts, etc.

If it's not on the keys, it's stashed somewhere in the house I'm afraid.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

I worded that badly. I know you realise you need to be out of it, I was just thinking of how to see a way, IUSWIM.

[ParsleyTheLioness]

I don't know Cant but it isn't good, and you are finding out things that indicate he is even worse than you thought... Sorry.... If you don't feel up to womens aid, is there a friend you can go to for a couple of days, if the nanny took charge, at least of the older ones? Maybe you get enough calm then to realise you need to be out of this relationship, for your sake, and your kids, and find a way to do it, and the strength...x

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I hold down a professional job and absolutely no one has any clue apart from my dc and DH how unhappy I am

Have you fixed this aspect yet? Have you someone you can talk to about all this... peculiar key fob included?

[Cantthinkstraightx]

Thanks so much I know what your saying is right kind of feels like its happening g to someone else .. I found an eBay account last night and in October he bought a spy camera to go in his key fob ??? What's that all about ?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You're miserable now because you've backed off from acting in the past thinking he'll be hurt. It's left you depressed and suicidal and Cabrinhas's right, he doesn't give a crap about any of it.

Do what you need to for yourself and your DC. Put yourself #1 priority for a change. If he is hurt because you want a peaceful and happy life, that's really his problem. He'll live.

[Cabrinha]

Why do you think you're going to hurt him?
You poor thing :(
You'll piss him off taking control and refusing to be bullied (his treatment of you is cold, mean, disgusting, degrading) and inconvenience him...
But you won't hurt him, because he doesn't give a shit about you.
Sorry, I know that's blunt, but it's true.
Don't worry about him coping with paying a bill. Of course he bloody can. Not that it's your responsibility to worry about that when he's such a SHIT.
Women's Aid - imagine a happy stress free summer (then Xmas...) in your new life this year :)

[InOtherNews]

He's hurt you too, in a whole range of ways. You sound, like someone said up thread, like a strong person in a bad situation. Really glad this was a light bulb moment for you, and really glad you are beginning to take those steps to make life better and safer for you and your children. There is a lot of support on here if and when you need it.

[Cantthinkstraightx]

Omg I have found ( accidently because he was logged into a different e mail account ) that he has a full profile on a website which is rather sordid . He ieven has his picture on it and says he's been separated a year .
It seems he has email accounts I know nothing about and he's been talking online to women in a graphic way. I haven't told him I know or confronted him I just can't right now feel too sick and drained .I have confided in my best friend tho who insisted I come stay with little ones last night I she was fantastic. it's such a relief to have told her.
I think I'm going see a Soloctor but I'm just not ready yet . I know I need to prepare but this has been a light bulb moment .
As awful as it is I know I've got to really hurt him to make my and dc life better and after 23 years that is scary .

[myroomisatip]

How are you today OP?

Your life sounds a lot like mine was and it took me years to find the courage to leave, but I did. And it was not as hard as I expected because I found help.

As PPs have said, please talk to Womens Aid and the CAB, try to set some money aside. Go and see a solicitor.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I would urge you to call Samaritans if you're suicidal. I would also echo the advice to call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Not necessarily for refuge but for advice on how to get an emotionally abusive man out of your life properly and safely. You sound utterly depressed and despairing because this 'marriage for life' guilt-trip bollocks you were sold by your family has created a trap. You do have options but you need others to walk you through them. WA will have, for example, details of local solicitors that specialise in Domestic Abuse cases.

Realistically, I think the only way you are going to successfully get shot of this man is to start a divorce. Your life will change, the DCs' lives will change and you're almost certainly looking at downsizing or some other adjustment in the process of achieving mental freedom. It may go badly if your DH is determined to make your life difficult. But none of that would make you a failure. None of it would be letting the DCs down. Any of it would be better than taking your own life.