Is this a red flag?

[Doratheexplorersboots]

Found myself a bit last night when DP (not DCs dad, but we all live together) said that I should 'keep them quiet in the mornings as he needs his sleep before work'. I was just a little taken aback..it prompted a discussion with me questioning whether this set up is too much for him in that, in my mind, kids around = incredibly limited sleep for a good few years.
Wouldn't mind if it was a one off but it's every morning.
Saying that, they are my kids so I do get the fact that of course they are more my responsibility to sort out, perhaps.
But as for keeping them quiet?!! Every day before school/nursery and weekends, WTF!

He says he needs his sleep. I know how crucial sleep is if you're one of those people that really needs a good am

[hamptoncourt]

Tell him to go to bed earlier!!! 6.50 is not too early for DC to be up, and considering they have to be out of the house an hour later he is being unreasonable.

Seriously if he wants to be part of the family he needs to either shut up or go to bed earlier and help you with the kids.

[Diagonally]

I'd expect him to be up and helping out unless he works late evenings or nights.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

My kids don't make excessive noise (really). They are not allowed to shriek, yell, throw stuff, slam doors or charge around the house at any time whether I have visitors or not.

[CalamityKate]

To me it would be reasonable to:
Keep door/s between him and kids shut
Do your best to minimise any actual shouting/banging etc, while not worrying too much if that's not always possible - they're kids after all!
Get him some earplugs.

Beyond that he's going to have to lump it and if he can't handle it/gets stroppier that really WOULD be red flaggy.

[Jan45]

No either would I, I meant if it was around 7am and the noise was excessive, surely you would consider everyone else that lived in the family home?

I do agree it's not looking good if this is all he can complain about.

[AnyFuckerHQ]

No, not if it was normal family interaction and at a decent time of day

[Jan45]

Would you shut your kids up if you had mum/dad/sis/bro/friend staying with you AF?

[AnyFuckerHQ]

I wouldn't shut my kids up for anybody, let alone some bloke

He's not the boss of the house

is he ?

[Jan45]

I work in an office and don't get up at 7, I get up at 8, we're all different. If the noise is excessive then he has a point, if it's normal children noise then it could be a red flag for what's to come, i.e., starts criticising everything else they do, you'll soon find out.

[ImperialBlether]

Why isn't he up at 7 am? It's a normal time to get up, isn't it, if you're working regular office hours? What time would he normally leave the house?

[cory]

Here the old MN chestnut of equal time applies. Does he work normal daytime hours? In which case there is no reason he shouldn't be able to get as much sleep as the OP, just by going to bed earlier. Or does he work shifts which means he will be getting considerably less sleep than the OP if he is disturbed in the mornings.

[MairzyDoats]

What time does he get up for work, is he a shift worker? IMO if he's moved in with you to be part of your family then he should be getting up when the family does - why does he deserve a lie in every day?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

l would be concerned about this as well.

BTW it seems that he moved in with you?.

This comment of yours too is also worrying:-

"What I find difficult is getting the balance right between considering someone's feelings In a loving way and pandering to someone who is controlling and demanding..does that make any sense?!!"

[purpleroses]

I would offer to make sure I shut the bedroom door tight, and also the kitchen door if they are making a loud noise over breakfast (eg singing). But I'd feel the same as you that I wouldn't want them to feel they had to tiptoe round the house every morning because your DP was still in bed.

We have a similar set up to you in the week - I get up with my DCs and sort out breakfast. My DP gets up earlier than us all most days as he commutes to work so leaves early - and tries to do this quietly so as not to wake us. One day a week he works from home so has a lie in. I keep doors shut between our room and DCs where possible but he does have to endure DD's clarinet practice at 8am each day.

[GhettoPrincess001]

I agree with Cogito............slippery slope

What happens when it escalates to, 'keep those damn kids quiet' and you all live in fear of him ?

[TeenyW123]

Tell him to go to bed an hour earlier, then he can join in with the singing in the morning because he'll have had an extra hour any way!

Sounds a bit entitled to me. Why shush the girls when they ALWAYS get up at 6.50. It would be easier if DP adapted to your already established routine than everyone else changing to suit him.

But not necessarily a red flag if you can nip it in the bud now.

[pictish]

I agree with the others. He chose to be in a relationship and live with someone with kids, and what you describe comes along with the territory.
I don't know if he's being controlling so much as unrealistic though.
Maybe he doesn't quite realise that kids don't come with a mute button, and thinks it's that simple to just say 'be quiet'.

He is bu. If he wants silence in the mornings, I suggest he moves out to somewhere there are no children.

[Lavenderhoney]

Noise is normal with small children and I wouldn't be hushing mine tbh. He should go to bed earlier if he is tired,

He must have known - has he moaned before or is this a new thing?

Your dd sound very sweet and happy in the morning. Personally I wouldn't be happy with them creeping about in case of waking your boyfriend. What will he do if they continue to be children in the morning?

[DevonFolk]

Sorry, my typing was slow

7:00 really isn't early for normal getting up noise. I was thinking more along the lines of 5:00 which is my standard.

[LastingLight]

Get him earplugs.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

And, to answer the question directly, entitled behaviour... assuming he deserves special treatment.... is a red flag.

[EirikurNoromaour]

Umm no. 7 onwards is morning and active time in a house with kids. It would be completely unreasonable to try to keep them quiet. He's being a knob.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

What you tell him is that you'll keep them quiet half the mornings of the week when he keeps them quiet the other half.... We all need sleep and I'm sure you'd like a lie in? If he's your partner rather than some casual boyfriend they are our children, not yours alone. You are a family so responsibility is shared. So don't let him cast himself in the role of 'The Big Important Man who Must Not Be Disturbed'.... because next it'll be 'keep your children quiet when I'm watching TV' or 'sort your children out because I can't deal with them'.

Slippery slope.

[ateddybearfromdelaware1]

I agree with the consensus.

If its children just being children, singing and chatting etc then HIBU and should invest in eat plugs.

[ChasedByBees]

That is normal noise. He is being unrealistic and will have to get used to it - he can go to bed earlier. If he can't get used to it, in your situation I'd probably have to rethink the living together.