What do I do? Still in love, but arguments are getting out of control

[confusedsadandnamechanged]

Ok, so I should start by saying that I'm in my first lesbian relationship and have been for the past year and a half. I'm only saying in case people get me confused for a guy, when I say my gf.

I won't go into the back story, as I don't really think it's important, but anyway, here go's

Firstly, I love my gf very much. I am still in love with her. I think she's beautiful, incredibly intelligent, funny, caring, kind, the list goes on and on really. Recently though, we've begun to argue more and more and it's really starting to concern me.

I don't really know what's changed. I don't really feel like either one of us have changed, but little, usually insignificant things, seem to turn in to an argument and then they seem significant iyswim.

I'm really hoping this is just a phase, as I always felt/feel like we have something very special.

Her reactions can be very odd and the longer we're together, the more irritating I find them. Sometimes I'll ask who's text her, in a completely innocent way, as in, I'm not suggesting she's having an affair or anything, and she'll just go bright red and have a go at me and ask why I'm asking and she's even been teary eyed before. Now, to me, this is a complete over reaction and if anything, it makes me suspicious, where as I wouldn't have been before. Yes, I'm not a naturally trusting person and I do struggle sometimes with that, but I don't accuse her of anything. It's actually a part of me that she doesn't really see, because I try so hard to bury it. Other little things like, I can ask if she likes a certain female actress for example, but she takes that to mean do you fancy her and she'll get emotional and go really strange. I will question her and she'll say that she doesn't know why she reacts like it, but she knows what I'm thinking, which is so unfair. She doesn't. Of course I'm jealous of really beautiful girls, who isn't? But she has this really weird idea of me, simply because I told her that I had trust issues and I'm quite self critical. It's getting to the point where we can't just have a normal conversation, in case she manages to twist something round to mean I'm accusing her of something. It's becoming exhausting Unfortunately, all these increasingly weird OTT reactions recently, have started to make me worry if maybe there is something else going on which she isn't telling me. Overall, I do trust her, so I don't really know what I'm saying, or thinking. I'm just so confused. I don't want to lose her, but today I just had to get some space to clear my head. I would never normally walk out, but I'd just had enough and I didn't want another pointless argument.

I don't really know what I'm asking, but I feel like I'm going mad. I've never felt this way about anyone before, but the arguments are really starting to get me down.

I think we both feel like we're treading on egg shells if I'm being honest.

Feel so sad and I know things can't carry on like this. It's so unhealthy.

Any advice?

Thanks

[horsetowater]

Whatever happens between the 3 or you if you have children I don't think they should be brought up in an atmosphere that's this complicated. It does sound as if you are being used by both of them tbh.

[confusedsadandnamechanged]

Yeah I can understand it sounding immature, but I'm desperate not to let this go. I do love her and I know she loves me. My ex is a bit of a nob sometimes and is quite arrogant and rather in to himself. Thinks he's gods gift I reckon. Not sure he's 100% over me and my gf knows that really. She knows that he's not thinking of her feelings. If I gave him the green light, I'm pretty sure he'd not hesitate. So I understand how difficult it must be for her. Maybe it is too much like hard work, but I really did/do believe that there's a lot there to save.

[horsetowater]

How long have you been together confused

Because I think it's a complete waste of time. None of you are in a loving relationship - you, your ex or her and forgive me but it all sounds a bit immature. She doesn't really love you at all or she would trust you. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't make a pass at you. You don't love him either or you wouldn't have let it get to the make a pass stage. And you can't really love her because you can't even have a conversation.

Excuse the slightly curt response but I feel like a parent trying to intervene in two children squabbling over a piece of cake.

[wontletmesignin]

That just sounds like too much hard work.

[confusedsadandnamechanged]

I think we're both quite insecure, but in different ways.

Last night, we talked things over and it felt like we'd got somewhere. However, this morning we ended up having another argument, which had something to do with my ex. Basically he told me I looked nice when I dropped off my dd and then this morning, she asked why I didn't tell him it was inappropriate to say things like that to me anymore. I think this is mainly because he did try it on with me a few times a couple of months a go, so I can understand why she doesn't like him making even the slightest flirty or suggestive comment. However, it was ridiculously over the top. She apologised and said she was just upset and doesn't like him still being in contact with me. He has to be because he's the father of my dd. She understands that really, but sometimes she just gets really protective/possessive of me. She didn't used to be like this. We went out for lunch and everything seemed fine. She was really embarrassed and I accepted her apology, but then god knows what happened, cos as soon as we got home, she went really quiet, won't tell me what's wrong and just went upstairs in a mood. She won't talk to me. Wtf is going on?! This is just getting stupid.

[Joysmum]

She does sound desperately insecure doesn't she. That's why (as I've mentioned before) unless you can get her to accept that she might need to change too, it's not looking great.

[Meerka]

I'm with horsewater

^yeah I have tried similar things and she's admitted several times now, that her reactions were silly, but that she thinks she knows what I'm thinking , but when I ask why she assumes that, or what have I done to make her think that, she doesn't know.

she got so upset and said that she couldn't live without me.

[paraphrased] she asks you who is texting you more than you ask her; but she gets very upset when you ask

I think there are some sizeable red flags. The relationship sounds like it's smothering at the moment and as though you have to walk on eggshells. Desperately unhealthy and it can't last - at least, not if you want to save your sanity.

You've said you are still in love with her but I think you need to step back mentally for a while from your feelings and (maybe literally) write down the current state of the relationship, the things that are working and the things that arent and how you are feeling. Then consider sitting down and talking to her gently about this, reassuring her that you do love her but that things are headed into big trouble at the moment and that you need to work together on some things - which might paradoxically mean more time apart.

Then see what she thinks after a couple of days or week to take it all in. I'd also ask yourself if she is capable of change (or if you are, if that's partly needed!). I'm afraid some insecure people are not capable to change, while others are, and she does sound desperately insecure.

[sykadelic15]

I would personally find her behaviour odd. Neither asking who's texting, nor asking if you like someone's acting are reasons to react how she's reacting... it's also not mature to react that way instead of telling you that it makes her feel like there's no trust (which honestly would make me wonder what she wants to hide - I'd want her to show me her phone to show it's "clean" and then expect an "open-door" policy).

Trust is earnt and not deserved "just because". Knowing I can check my husbands phone, e-mail, bank account or whatever, whenever I want but not feeling like i have to shows how much trust there is. Feeling the need to hide things or being told "If you trusted me you wouldn't ask for my passwords" just breeds mistrust, especially if said from the off-set.

I find that when the little things turn into arguments there's something else on your mind and you're trying not to talk about it. Last week for example my DH really ticked me off but I didn't want to turn it into a big deal so was ignoring it until I could rationally talk about it... instead I found the little things annoying and eventually I just had to blurt out what was irritating me.

I think in your situation the above is true. You're feeling mistrustful, she's acting strange, and you're trying REALLY hard not to ask her outright if she's cheating... which is putting strain on you both.

Honestly, there's nothing you can really do except sit down and have a serious conversation. You could try and spy on her (check her phone while she's in the shower or something) but it's not good for your relationship. I'd ask her "if I were to ask you right now to let me have a look at the messages on your phone, what would you say?". She may ask why, she may get defensive and say "don't you trust me?" and that's when you tell her that you think she's been behaving oddly defensive and if she has nothing to feel defensive about there shouldn't be a problem. Then you'd need to talk about your relationship in general and what's been going on with you both... and possibly doing what was suggested above about you going to a friends house for the weekend to get some breathing space to think and see how it goes.

[Joysmum]

Horsetowater. I couldn't disagree with you more!

I changed, when a previous partner decided to fuck another woman. I wasn't always lacking in confidence or mistrustful, him having an affair changed me, it broke me.

I changed again over a number of years when my husband and I got together and we both took the time to confront and change how I saw myself.

You can disagree on the wording all you like, but I have changed twice now and I'm happy that the use of the word 'change' is the correct one to express my situation. Your situation may be different, but I don't know you and so can't comment on that.

[horsetowater]

Do you know a lot of her friends?

[confusedsadandnamechanged]

Cog, no that wasn't my former name.

I know what everyone is saying. It's not healthy, but I would hate to think that that's it and it is in fact, too much like hard work.

Spindly I also did wonder if maybe I was coming across differently to the way I thought, ie with an accusing tone. I asked her a while a go and she said no. I feel like I shot myself in the foot by admitting that in the past, I had trouble with trust. I don't think if I hadn't told her this, she would see me as a jealous person. Ie, my words spoke louder than my actions unfortunately. I only told her this because she told me that she had never been a jealous person before meeting me. Apparently her friends used to ask why she wasn't bothered by certain things, ie her ex sleeping in a bed with friends etc, but she says now that she was just with the wrong person and that she wasn't jealous, simply because she wasn't really interested in him. He could have slept with other people and she wouldn't have really been bothered. I'm not suggesting that jealousy = a healthy relationship, I'm just explaining how she feels.

[horsetowater]

Joysmum, if you go down the 'change' route you have lost before you've even started.

There are certain adaptations to behaviour, like not picking your nose or farting because it revolts someone, or putting the toilet seat down after use, or wiping the crumbs after toast, that you can change.

But changing your genuine response to an unreasonable demand, or demanding that someone else changes their instinctive behaviour is an almost impossible uphill struggle and if there is a history of abuse or control this will almost certainly lead to one partner being disempowered and completely trapped. Even if it isn't abusive, the relationship itself will be such hard work and hardly empowering and loving.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"she got so upset and said that she couldn't live without me."

This kind of thing is a big red flag to me. Goes way beyond insecurity or 'trust issues' and well into emotional manipulation. This type keeps you on board by constantly testing your affection.

'Do you think she's attractive?' 'Yes' 'Are you saying you fancy her!!!!?' ....
'I'm busy this weekend' .. 'You're dumping me!!??'
'Who was the text from?' .... 'You think I'm cheating on you!!!!???'

Head-fuckery

[Joysmum]

I agree with horsetowater.

She needs to understand that whilst you appreciate there are some things you want to change with her help, she needs to understand that she needs to change to best allow you to achieve this. This isn't a one sided process.

[horsetowater]

I think the difference between you OP, and her is that you are questioning your 'trust issues' and she is not questioning hers. She thinks she has a right to stop you doing something you need to do. Big red flag here I'm afraid.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Was your former name 'SchoolyardSchizz'?

[horsetowater]

Ah but that wasn't a test. You gave in. You needed something and she refused. The difference is in insisting, actually doing it because it is necessary for YOU.

[confusedsadandnamechanged]

But horse, that's what I did and she got so upset and thought that it meant I didn't want to be with her anymore. She also said that it was unnecessary and that she couldn't bear to be apart from me and why would I want to be apart from her.

[horsetowater]

Oh dear. Sounds as though she has got you reeled in quite close.

I would do a test. Insist on a couple of nights away or something you know will annoy her but that you think is fair and see her reaction. If she is controlling she will go ballistic or get really upset and make you feel bad. If she is genuine she will probably find it odd and be concerned but encourage your independent choices.

[Joysmum]

Well I started off very jealous and possessive because my previous partner cheated. It was constant understanding and reassurance from my husband that helped me to heal and reach 'normal' levels. I of eaten write on the relationships forum because (between the 2 of us) we've had more to overcome than many couples but have learnt how to work together to change what we can and accept what we can't, rather than assume nothing can be changed.

Of course it's possible to change and your partner can help if you want to change and she wants to help you. She might need to accept that she needs to change too to help bring out the best in you. It's a partnership.

Only if either one of you doesn't want to change can anyone deem your relationship to have no hope

[confusedsadandnamechanged]

Well I actually did suggest a couple of weeks a go that we spend a few days apart, just for a bit of breathing space and she got so upset and said that she couldn't live without me. I wasn't suggesting that we broke up. I thought it would be good for us, as we'd been living in each others pockets for a bit.

[horsetowater]

Be very careful OP. She might just be chaotic and immature, but she might be luring you in by turning everything into a drama. The more you react passionately and earnestly, the harder it is to see perspective.

I would suggest break for a while and see how you feel without her being around. And no phone contact while you're away!

[confusedsadandnamechanged]

Goodness me! Yes, I'll book myself in immediately to see a therapist and admit that I'm an abuser. I said I can be a jealous person, but how on earth that automatically makes me an abuser, I have no idea. I'm not saying jealous people can't be abusive, but from such little information about me, I find it very odd that you can come to such a conclusion.

horse, she does ask me who's text me, actually probably more than I ask her and it doesn't bother me at all. She will also actually ask the question outright, if I think somebody is attractive and I will say yes or no and that's that. I've asked her if she thinks I actually am accusing her and she says no and that she doesn't know why she gets so uncomfortable sometimes. This last argument started from us deciding on a film to watch and I asked if she thought this actress was right for that role. That was it. When things had calmed down, she said that she knew she shouldn't have reacted the way she did and I asked what I could do to stop her feeling like this. She said that there wasn't really anything I could do, but I don't want to accept that. I want this to stop, but I don't want us to stop.