I'm leaving

[GuernseyTeddy]

Just wanted to say it. Decided today when I was ironing, sorting out the clues for his daughter's advent boxes and entertaining our four month old son - whilst he lay stretched out on the sofa, telly on and ipad in hand.

I've no job, no money, nowhere to live - but U can sort it right???

[GuernseyTeddy]

Terrible morning.

Dad can't come this week. Child Benefit HMRC need to confirm separated status with STBX DS clinging and grizzly this morning. And just realised need to get DS ready,fed, dressed and out of house for 7:15 on Thursday (usual wake up time 7), as need to take DSD to school on the bus; He will be leaving early to get to the airport.

Feck.

I can do this right?

[Lweji]

Just to say good luck. :)

His threat about your DS seems typical emotional blackmail. I very much doubt he actually wants to have DS even 50%, except to make you stay close or not leave at all.

My ex always threatened the same, or taking DS, and he often doesn't contact DS, not even with a warning.

Make sure you contact a solicitor as soon as you leave, though.

[Minime85]

yes I'd tell her afterwards too. good luck with this week

[Handywoman]

I think you are thinking very clearly, GT. I think you will be fine. please stay one step ahead but you are doing great.

[GuernseyTeddy]

I really doubt it (she's currently involved in contact court dispute with him and me and DS not living here any more would be very favorable for her case), but yes was only planning to let her know once I'd left.

This weekend is very busy for DSD (activity related), and think she'd really need her mum's support with this domestic upheaval.

[MammaTJ]

Only do that once all is done, she may alert him to your plans.

[GuernseyTeddy]

His dd lives with her mother. Debating whether to write her mother a letter, so she's prepared for any emotional fallout from this weekends when DSD visits and DS and I aren't there.

[GuernseyTeddy]

Yeah access is going to be a nightmare.

50/50 wouldn't be possible as:
a) I'd be moving near my family, a 2.5 hour drive away (without traffic)
b) his job requires him to leave the house every day at 7..he doesn't return until 7 at night and he sometimes needs to make overseas trips
c) he wouldn't be able to afford the nursery fees and he wouldn't get any tax credits etc due to his earnings. After commuting costs, maintenance charges for his daughter and mortgage/bills etc paid, we have no disposable income. I've pointed this out to him during previous discussions and his only response was that I'd need to live locally if we split - not something I'd consider as I have no friends or family here and no ties to this area at all.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Yes, get your dad to you the day he goes. He can help you out with the car, look after ds whilst you pack up and give you moral support too.

If you want to do practical things, get online tonight and make a list if numbers, car insurance for one so you can call to add your dad on. Make a list of what you need to take/ sort out. Don't let him find the list obviously (make it in your phone maybe?)

[Minime85]

good luck. def get bank account sorted if u can before u go. where does his dd live that u mention?

[RedLondonBus]

worry about access later on I guess.

if he takes you to court then theres help available,but do bear in mind he could easily ask for 50/50. so I'd try and remain as amicable as possible if I were you.

[GuernseyTeddy]

Was thinking that. If my dad comes the morning STBX flies out, then if he can stay overnight we'd have that day and the following morning to sort everything out.

Feel really bad for sneaking around like this. But I've given him chance after chance to start being more of a partner, and he's always back to normal after a few days on his best behaviour - he seems the personality type that will always make the least amount of effort possible. Plus whenever I've mentioned leaving, he's always said not with DS and I don't have the financial resources to do this through the courts.

[RedLondonBus]

do you have breakdown cover with your insurance? they might come out and do it....or a mobile mechanic? a friends DH?

[mammadiggingdeep]

Could a friend/ friends partner sort tyre?? Try to keep hold of car- you don't know how long it'll be before you get maintenance

[mammadiggingdeep]

Sell the car...or ask your dad to come to you and drive it back for you (will cost a small amount to insure him maybe). Then you'll have the car with you and you can sell it. Hopefully your dad could fix front tyre.

[GuernseyTeddy]

Could sell it back to the man who we bought it from, but would have sort tyre and have no idea where I'd start with that.

[RedLondonBus]

can you sell it on quickly?

be careful....he sounds like he could get nasty very quickly

[GuernseyTeddy]

He's not violent, just extremely unpleasant to be around. Plus there's the issue of never being allowed to leave with my son while he's here. This business trip might be my last opportunity for a while.

No joint bank account.

I do have a car here - insured, taxed, registered in my name etc but I don't drive and it's got a flat front tire.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Good luck xx

[mammadiggingdeep]

Get everything sorted properly tomorrow. Ring tax credits and child benefit people tomorrow. They have to send you a form and if you call tomorrow, you'll recieve it by mid week probably.

Just hang on for a bit longer and make sure you don't over look anything. Do you have a joint account? You could do some practical things like go and kit your ds out with clothes for next few months, buy a big stock of nappies, formula milk etc...

[RedLondonBus]

take some cash
think through what you need to take....passports,birth certs etc. things you will need to apply for benefits
copies of bank statements etc
car?

[MeMySonAndI]

Teddy, good on you on taking that decission, now remember that unless he is violent or difficult to have around, there is no pressure to leave straight away. Take the situation as free lodging until you sort everything out, then leave but leave at the time that is more convenient to you.

[GuernseyTeddy]

Bawling my eyes out here getting DS ready for his bath.

Need an action plan to get me through to the end of the week when hopefully we should be at my parents!!

[onetiredmummy]

OK so if no solicitor is involved then remember you have the CAB who you can consult on pretty much any difficulty or question :)

[RedLondonBus]

my advice is to be one step ahead of him

he will want fair access for example

you should look at csa website to work out maintenence too