I don't understand how she can deny this. Can anyone shed any light please?

[JuanPotatoTwo]

I spoke to my dm recently about something she did to me, once a week, over a period of a few months (not sexual abuse) when I was about 9. She categorically denies that this ever happened. She's not claiming to have forgotten, but rather that she never did it. She did. She absolutely did. There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind.

Can she really have convinced herself it didn't happen? If not, why is she denying that it did? TIA for any opinions, this has been troubling me more and more lately.

[LegoStillSavesMyLife]

My mother categorically denies all sorts of things (she's a lovely mum my the way)

But

1). She never called my baby she so did until I was 18
2). She never said we couldn't have friends over without asking her first yup she did she went completely batshit I seem to recall
3). She never shouted at me for not reading books bull crap
4). Well you get the idea...

She was a great mum but she totally rewrites history. I don't think she's lying she has just convinced herself of her version of events.

[youretoastmildred]

I think the only way to deal with this is just to accept that you can be right about stuff without other people's authorisation. Award yourself your own authority. She is not the judge of what happened or not (easier said than done)

[ICameOnTheJitney]

OP I feel for you. My Mum denies that when my Nan (my DEAR Nan) was in hospital having had a stroke (I found her) I was 11 at the time...she denies that every morning that winter, I gad to go to my Nan's empty, sad feeling house and let the cat in and feed him.

I remember it was dark...about 7.ooam when I did it...and the feeling of desolation at my Nan's sad, empty house and the cold cat who would come running.

There I've never told anyone about this...I was desperatley sad about my Nan...I'd found her and she was still unwell....and this cold, dark house wasn't as I knew it and it was Nan-less and I used to hear scary noises.

She denies that I did this. BUt I did do it.

[marfisa]

I am sympathetic too OP. There are a few unpleasant incidents from my teenage years - things my mother did to me that were utterly nutty and very psychologically painful - and when I finally tried to get them off my chest by bringing them up to her years later, she was adamant that they had never happened - that she would never have said or done anything of the sort.

You know that what happened actually happened, but trying to convince your DM of it is useless. Perhaps she won't admit the truth, but it's more likely that she won't let herself remember the truth. She has pushed it away to the back of her mind for all these years because the memory is an uncomfortable one for her. And that in itself - the insistent denial - IS an admission of guilt when you think about it.

Don't doubt yourself. Focus on taking care of yourself now and being the strong person you want to be, not the lost little girl whose mum neglected her all those years now.

It IS incredibly frustrating though. People's capacity for self-delusion is utterly amazing.

[marfisa]

all those years ago

[custardo]

op,
i assuming that she has been a generally awful person for you to mention this at all?

[TheFantasticFixit]

My mother told me at age 12 that my sister was a true beauty and I was just er.. 'Attractive in your own way'. This has stayed with me forever and I have always categorised myself as looking odd and feeling inadequate. She completely denies that she ever made that comment but she did. She DID.

OP I think the earlier answers are correct, in that they change the memory so that don't have to deal with the feelings of guilt

[EldritchCleavage]

I do also think that it is possible to have poor memory of traumatic or stressful periods. I know I do. This does not excuse the dismissing of the OP's recollection, however.

[custardo]

i think that things should always be taken in a larger context - my mum did some shitty things - but overall ( until i was a teenager) she was ok

i have done some shitty things but overall i think i'm ok

my son ( grown up) recently mentioned something in conversation " remember when you did...." can't remember what it was, but to him it clearly stuck, i apologised and then i followed it up by " but we took you on holiday every year!" i killed myself laughing and he thought i was having a loony moment - it was very obviously a referal to the " but we took you to stately homes mumsnet threads" i thought was ver funny

[ICameOnTheJitney]

I think Custardo has hit it on the head there. I don;t linger over the things my Mum did...as mostly she was great.

[EldritchCleavage]

That doesn't always work though. My parents are truly fantastic, but they failed me massively over something in early life, and did the bury-deny-can't remember thing. Only once I got very very ill as an adult did they step out of that to talk to me, with reasonable but not total honesty, about what happened.

It tormented me and although I am recovered, it is still a difficult issue. I don't think I've got it out of perspective-some things are just so big, you do linger over them.

[youretoastmildred]

Me too. My mum is generally great and some of my friends are a bit jealous. But the only thing she does that bothers me is this thing of denial, rewriting history, refusing to see certain things, being angry about being asked to have certain kinds of conversation.

As an accumulative thing that has an effect of invalidation which can be more serious in its effects than just the odd thing of "oh I don't remember that"

[BeQuicksieorBeDead]

My mum is very honest and has an excellent memory. A couple of years ago I got her to fill in one of those cheesy mother to daughter books and there wasn't anything in it that I thought - 'it didn't happen like that'.

However, my DPs mum is the complete opposite. She denies remembering anything about his childhood up to the age of 3, and after that only remembers positive things, not involving him in petty crime or having complete screaming meltdowns about the slightest thing. She refuses to talk about any of it, won't even tell him what he was like as a baby, and it upsets him no end. I have witnessed her putting the phone down on him or leaving the house because he has calmly brought something up that she doesn't want to talk about for whatever reason.

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Thanks for sharing everyone, lots to ponder.

The fact she was having an affair must have been the worst kept secret in our town I think. She went on to have a baby by this man, but rather than telling Dad and I, she disappeared one day to go to work and surfaced three months later with a baby in tow. We had no idea she was pregnant (even though she was six months gone at the time of leaving, and even though my father is a doctor!) During those three months we were told she was safe but not to look for her.

I could go on for pages about stuff she's done - I don't know why it's all resurfacing now. Am very grateful for your comments.

[sunbathe]

No wonder you knew she was having an affair!

Are your dcs about 9? Maybe that's triggered something.

[youretoastmildred]

big hugs to you juanpotatotwo.
maybe, if you have children, all this is coming up now because there is something about them that reminds you of your childhood, or because they are coming up to the same age or something. (as you can tell I am not an expert)
I hope you are not finding it all too much to carry.

[JuanPotatoTwo]

Oh! My youngest is 9. I wonder if that has something to do with it? Never thought about that.

[OhMyBridget]

^ very interesting Juan! Maybe your dc reaching the same age has resurfaced the memory. What happened after she returned with the baby..did they split? was the baby ok? - just wondering why she's rewritten history. Perhaps it was very upsetting and stressful. Even if it is annoying.


im not sure I agree with previous posters re ' she was great over all' my dm is still very much in my life but its a constant succession of bad choices she made that negatively effected me in the past and more so now just generally letting me down all the time. We just make allowances time and time again. 'oh its just mum though isn't it' Sure she's around.. we spend the odd day together and its good. but I can't let go what she has done just because day to day we maintain a semi decent relationship.

[BanjoPlayingTiger]

Now my dd will say things like "my mum said my handwriting is rubbish" when I absolutely categorically did not say that! I said that she had beautiful handwriting but that sometimes when she rushes it gets quite messy. (We home educated and there are examples of me writing in heer books that her handwriting is beautiful)
So it makes me worry that in years to come she will be coming to me and saying things like this and not believing me when I say that isn't what happened.

I think a lot of the time it can be that we have a difference of perception of an incident.

I'm not saying that any of you are wrong about what you remember but perhaps both you and your parents remember the incidents differently?

However an out and out denial that something never happened when it did goes beyond what I have said here.

[DeMaz]

OP, I had the same issue! My tyrant of a father used to bully, shout and hit my brother and me when we were younger.
When I confronted him about it a few years ago he absolutely denied it! He thinks he was the perfect, wonderful dad!
Not exactly sure what goes on in their heads but I truly believe that no matter how many times we could try to convince, they would always denied it, even if they know it's true!!!!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Adults even reasonable supportive ones can re-write history. My DM was always very positive she had complete accurate recall of past events - even to the point when I knew something I had done or said within the past 5 years, she would very firmly deny it.

It could be something very trivial, in which case I wondered even if I may have misremembered, but i didn't, why would she be so utterly adamant and inflexible? She prided herself on being honest and forthright. I think her upbringing had a lot to do with it; her parents were very strict, and Never Wrong.

ICameOnTheJitney that has obviously stuck with you all this time, .

[Cleorapter]

Ah the way some people rewrite history is something sort of spectacular. My mother is exactly the same. Denies everything! Apparently I just gave a good imagination and she's mother she devil Teresa.

[Cleorapter]

*have