Support for partners of those with Asperger's Syndrome - suspected or diagnosed :)

[Joanna112]

Hi. After many, many years of mutual misunderstandings and miscommunication and near divorce, my husband was diagnosed early this year with Asperger's Syndrome.

In the interim years leading up to diagnosis we (well … I) almost gave up several times. Talking to close friends didn't work. Traditional marriage guidance counselling didn't work. The never-ending circle of endless arguments around the same issues led me to lose my self-confidence, I suffered from depression and severe loneliness. I turned to the internet to try and find others in the same situation, someone to understand and talk to.

Whilst I did manage to find some discussion threads on a few different websites, they were hard to navigate back to and many were very negative. We were put on a waiting list for diagnosis in Exeter. After six months we were told the waiting list was TWO YEARS! I decided that, particularly in the early stages of suspecting your partner has AS and in the lead up to diagnosis as well as afterwards, the greatest support I could have would be connecting with others in the same situation. There seems to be plenty of support for people on the autism spectrum (which is GREAT!) but little to none for their partners.

I believe a website that is JUST for NT partners is what is needed.

I recently received some money which will enable me to set up just such a website. I want it to provide discussion groups, support networks, recommended reading, personal testimonies, a 'what works' and 'what doesn't' page (I have a few!), names of AS specific counsellors.

I'd really appreciate your thoughts on the site, whether you think there is a need for it, what should be on it etc. It's early days in the design but it would be great to have input from people who might use it once it's up and running.

Thanks so much :)

[Autumnskiesarelovely]

Lots of things ring true for me too. Am going through a painful breakup instigated by my DP, who is definitely somewhere on the spectrum. Having our child was a lightbulb moment, he was so similar to DP, and is diagnosed ASD.

It's odd because I'm very social, flexible, but hypersensitive to noise etc.
My Ex DP has no sensitivity to sensory stuff, but very rigid thinking, cannot tolerate change. He's worn the same outfit since I met him, he has exactly the same shoes, jeans and shirts, just keeps buying new versions! He's awful in an argument, he can never take on another point of view ever.

The shame is that I think his rigidity is the main reason he's rejected our relationship, he cannot accept me, and even though I've adapted and bent myself into shapes he is stubborn and will not change his mind. No discussion. He is a great Dad though. I suspect a lot of relationships break up because of this, I wonder if there was some way to help them earlier.

[colouringinagain]

Thanks so much for posting that link to Different Together. It seems my Bipolar 1 husband also has Aspergers . I don't think I can do this

[Rainbowgarden]

I joined different together, thank you!

[CathCakes]

Hi,

This is a very old thread but I'm just wondering if your website is now live, or if there's any support you have found in Exeter? My partner of 10 years is recently diagnosed and I feel a mixture of absolute relief, finally making some sense of the exhaustion/frustration of our past time together, but also I feel worried as I'm really not sure how much longer I can go on without support. I live in Exeter so was really interested in your post - if there's anything you could tell me I'd be so grateful!

Thanks

[Marycanary12]

This is a much needed forum.
Is this still a live chat room?

[Daftasabroom]

It is now Mary!

Autumnskies last paragraph could be my OH. Nothing I am is acceptable, everything I do is criticised, whatever I say is rejected.

[SAL83]

I feel exactly the same. Been married for 10 years with 3 kids and it's just hard living on constant eggshells. I have been looking for other people to speak to in the same situation as no one knows the subtle difficulties every day with the constant readjustment of yourself to suit their rigid thought patterns.

[Moffa]

Hi SAL83,

There are quite a few of us chatting over here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here


Come & join

[Kalon]

I’d like help knowing if my partner has Aspergers. He’s very intelligent and also very good socially. In fact he’s a great conversationalist and focuses intently on people. He can be very affectionate and he’s very tuned into my emotions but can’t cope with any negative ones. Seems so different to the usual signs of Aspergers but this inability to cope with negative emotions in a supportive way and becoming overwhelmed by other external stimuli cause him sensory overload. When he’s distressed by this - or a change in routine/new place, he lashes out verbally...and has no idea how mean he’s being. This is what’s making me wonder if he’s on the spectrum. For example, the first day of any holiday is horrendous as he can’t cope with sleeping in a new environment and then the smallest thing I say which normally wouldn’t be a problem, causes him to have an outburst against me. He then withdraws from me, expressing anger towards the place we are staying, shuts down on any affection or reaching out I try to comfort him with...just becomes like a different person. Another example is that he gets impatient if I don’t understand a fact he’s telling me and when I’m offended by his annoyance with me, gets even more angry rather than realise he’s been impatient. When he’s talking angrily to me most of the time he has no idea how he’s coming across to me or why I’d be upset by it.
Does this sound familiar? Or am I barking up the wrong tree because I know he doesn’t fit the typical Aspergers profile?! Another complication is that he works in education and is able to spot autism in children, but not himself.
I’m really finding life hard at the moment because I have to experience swings from intense love and affection from him to extreme withdrawal and anger. I’m aware of emotional intensity disorders but wondering about Aspergers too. Any advice gratefully received

[AquarianSquirrel]

Hi Kalon, I completely relate when you say your dh has no idea how he's coming across when he's using an angry tone of voice. He often turns it around and says it's me who was angry first and he was responding in kind (but only when I point out that he's shouting/talking in a moody way..)

It's all so frustrating and we seem to argue alot more now we have children. Has anyone else found that? We rarely argued beforehand (maybe once every few months), now it's every other day/every day.

[SAB191072]

Hi, just stumbled across your post. Do you have any details of the website please?

[HelpWendy]

www.theneurotypical.com/testimonials.php