I slept with an absolute arsehole this weekend - feel like shit now

[muminthecity]

Don't know why I'm posting really, it's all done and dusted now. I was out with a friend Saturday night, we had a lot to drink and I met someone. He was very good looking and charming, and I was in a seize-the-day kind of mood, so I brought him home with me. I was under no illusions that he would be anything other than a ONS, but thought fuck it, I haven't had sex in bloody ages, I'm going to enjoy myself. And I did enjoy it, we both did. He left soon after and I thought that was it, gave him my number but didn't expect to ever see or hear from him again.

On Monday morning he phoned me just as I was getting ready for work. He said he thought he had left a card he needed from work at my house and asked me to look for it. I looked everywhere, whilst still on the phone, pulled furniture out etc, but it wasn't there. We had a brief chat then said goodbye.

A few hours later, while I was at work, I had a call from my friend who is currently staying with me; the same friend I was with when I met him. She said he had come to my house to look for the card himself! Friend assumed I had agreed for him to come over - I most definitely hadn't. After looking for it and realising it wasn't here, this man sat next to my friend ('uncomfortably close' was how she described it) and proceeded to chat her up - he asked for her number/e-mail (she said no) and asked her not to tell me. Friend was a bit scared and freaked out by this point and asked him to leave, which he did.

I am so utterly annoyed with myself for being so stupid and allowing this creep into my house. I want to phone him and tell him what a complete sleazy cunt he is, but I daren't, seeing as he knows where I live. I know there's nothing I can do about it now, I am just so bloody angry and embarrassed .

[EBearhug]

havé been called 'slut, bitch, whore, cougar' etc, etc, spat at, had my stuff vandalised by à group of colleagues à few years ago, just for talking to à man in à night club smoking area!

Even if they disapprove (of what? Talking to someone? Since when was that bad?), how the hell does that give them a reason to vandalise anything? I hope you complained.

[olathelawyer05]

Spelt - With respect, I think you're at best being willfully naive, and at worst wholly disingenuous. The OP has not posted this thread and called the man an "arsehole" because he went to her house, and I think you know this.

She should be called out on the sexist shit double-standard which her complaint (and many of the replies) simply stinks of. The man did nothing worse that she did (i.e. look to use someone for sex), but apparently he's now the arsehole. At what point while she was happily 'using' him was there an agreement that he wouldn't try it on with her friend. She admits herself that she had no intentions to anything meaningful with him, and now complains even though his behaviour was perfectly consistent with that. If the OP feels dirty/cheap, that's HER problem and a result of HER actions and HER own processing of those actions. It isn't because of anything HE did.

[Spelt]

If the bloke hadn't gone to her house the next day and creeped her friend out I doubt she would be calling him an arsehole.

Sugarmouse I really don't think that is anything like typical though. In fact I would say it would be very, very unusual.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I don't think his behaviour is that bad, either. For one thing, whatever this card is, it's something that matters to him - if it's his work ID pass or something he might have to pay for a replacement one - so it's not entirely unreasonable of him to knock on the door and ask to look for it.

Also, as there were no promises made or any suggestion of an exclusive relationship beginning, he can ask out whoever he likes, so it's not a crime for him to chat up the flatmate, assuming that he accepted a refusal gracefully.

[Spelt]

olathelawyer05, maybe you're not aware of this, when you write 'with respect' it immediately makes you look supercilious.

[olathelawyer05]

Spelt ...oh I see you aren't actually arguing with my point anymore. Well that's good.

So, which one was it?...naive or disingenuous?... Not that it matters, but I am curious.

[Spelt]

And again

[olathelawyer05]

Spelt - Supercilious?.... Little old me?.... Honestly, stop flirting and go to bed.

[lottieandmia]

People can ask out whoever they want but that doesn't mean it's a decent way to behave.

[SugarMouse1]

Ebear

They disapproved of thé Way i was dressed and thé fact that à man (who i was not in à relationship with) was giving me attention.

They then assumed stuff happened and i slept with him. I didnt.

But as far as i was aware its not à crime to havé casual sex? Just some people Still really hâte women who do.

Nô, i didnt complain because even thé manager was laughing about it with them (nearly all mâle environment) its just seen as fair game to bully à 'slut'.

[EBearhug]

It is definitely not a crime or even a bad thing. I work in an all male environment and there is no way I would let them get away with treating me like that - even after I loudly announced, "it just makes me feel like saying I sleep around all over the place" in the middle of the office, when we were discussing how smug and competitive some other colleagues are about their perfect relationships.

Childish reactions aren't something I recommend, mind you.

[PlatinumStart]

Ola I think it's you who has missed the point it's quite clear from the OP that she is understandably freaked out that her ONS turns up at her house to "search for a card" and in doing so acts in a way that makes her friend feel uncomfortable.

[olathelawyer05]

PlatinumStart - No.... I think you've just made up the point that you want to believe. The OP is full of it, and wants her 'gang' to validate how she "feels" by agreeing that this man did something wrong - he didn't - he did absolutely nothing wrong.

1. He came to look for his card (You appear to want to believe he was lying, even though you have absolutely no way of knowing);

1. He opportunistically chatted up her friend (Nothing wrong with that...);

1. Friend said no thanks;

1. He left

Where's the problem?.... it's in the OP's head that's where.

As for the friend, anyone can feel uncomfortable when somebody they want nothing to do with chats them up, but that doesn't the person has done anything wrong.

[arsenaltilidie]

Ola the ONS wasn't an issue.
The phone call wasn't an issue. They even had a 'brief chat' which suggested all is well up to that point.

The issue is this guy decides to pay a visit without the OP's knowledge.
Goes through her stuff to look for the said card, again without her knowledge.
Assuming there are more than 2 seats, he proceeds to sit 'NEXT' to her friend.

That whole scenario is creepy.

[muminthecity]

Fair enough, maybe I am being unfair to him. I was just a bit freaked out about him coming here without even asking, and looking through my things. I guess he might not be an arsehole.

Ola - I take your points on board, however I certainly didn't come on here expecting everyone to agree with me, and I don't have a 'gang.'

[PlatinumStart]

ola I've not made up anything and I'm certainly not in anyone's "gang"

The OPs friend describes the ONS as "sitting uncmcortably close" and finding it a bit "scarey" - that is at best inappropriate and at worst creepy: if someone I didn't know came to my house and then sat down beside me I would consider that bloody odd- who does that?!

Looking through someone's stuff without asking is also weird as is giving the impression to the person present that you have permission to do so.

And also trying to chat up the flat mate of last nights ONS does suggest a lack of boundaries or at least social grace.

[isshoes]

Ola - your response to this thread is oddly aggressive. It's perfectly clear that the OP is not being sexist or hypocritical. How would you feel if someone you barely knew went to your house when you weren't there and looked through your belongings?

[olathelawyer05]

isshoes - "...Ola - your response to this thread is oddly aggressive..."

So was labelling the man an 'arsehole' and a 'cunt' - as the OP herself acknowledges above.

OP - No offence intended... I have a 'way' of puting my points across that isn't exactly subtle.

[somethingsnotrighthere]

Ola are you a man?? You sound like one.

[paxtecum]

olathelawyer05
You've got the wrong end of the stick and you are being very harsh.

[DeMaz]

Ola, would love to see how you'd react if a guy you don't know sat incredibly close to you and chatted you up in YOUR property. Alone.

That would freak me the F*ck out!

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

He went to her house after OP had already looked for his card and told him it wasn't there

That in itself is enough for him to be creepy in my book. The fact he then came on to her friend and made her feel uncomfortable is double creepy.

ONS may be the most casual of all casual encounters, but imo there are still boundaries and appropriate behaviour which should be adhered to by both parties, and he crossed the line.

[AnandaTimeIn]

I'm with Ipanema here.

Did he even explain what kind of card it was? Or was it just a ruse to come back - uninvited. And after OP went to work.

Yes, the fact he came on to her friend is doubly creepy.

OP, chalk it up to experience. A ONS is just that, ONE NIGHT - and NOT whinging and worming your way into the house the next morning to see who else you can get it on with