Posting for advice for my Godson. His mum died six years ago and I’m very close to him because of that. He is absolutely distraught at the moment and has turned to me for support.
He is 20, in his final year at Uni, and has been in a relationship with an absolutely wonderful girl (also 20) for the past 18 months. He told me almost from the start that he knew she was “the one”, and I can see why because they are pretty much perfectly matched.
They spent most of the summer together working abroad and they seemed ecstatically happy. We visited them for a few days and they were so obviously in love, and so comfortable with each other that it was a joy to spend time with them.
Since the start of term her responses to him have been increasingly confused. She said that she loves him very much, but that 20 is too young to be in a committed relationship. She asked for space to think, and he gave her that, even though it hurt him. Within 24 hours she had turned up on his doorstep saying that she had been completely wrong, and she was missing him really badly. They made up, and all seemed well again.
Now, a couple of weeks later, she has said the same thing – 20 is too young. She loves him, she can’t imagine ever being with someone else, she doesn’t want to play the field or be out dating, but she needs space. She’s been out of touch with him for 3 days now, and my GS is hurting badly.
My GS doesn’t seem to having been crowding her – they spent a couple of weeks apart at either end of the holidays, they both have shared and separate interests at Uni, they have mutual and separate friends, so they seem to spend a reasonable amount of time both together and apart.
He is mature (he had to grow up fast when his mum died), attractive and great company. She is the same, and yet suddenly she is messing with his head like this.
I have met her many times, we get on very well, and I could call her, but I'm not sure if it is the right thing to do?
Can anyone explain what might be going on with her, or advise me what my GS should do? I was in a very different situation to her at that age, and I only have younger boys, so I haven’t a clue how to approach this. Thank you.
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Advice for a distraught young man, please?
oldmacdonaldscow · 10/10/2013 19:41
ALittleStranger, thank you so much. His mum was my lifelong best friend, and when we knew she was dying I promised her I would be there for him and his older sister. (I'm also her Godmother.) They mean as much to me as my own children.
I think the loss of his mum will be going through his mind, and I hope that I will be able to separate the two for him as we talk over the weekend. I won't be the first to raise it with him, but I am (I hope) prepared to address it if it does come up.
Thanks, Jesse. He was really surprised to find himself thinking that she was "the one" at the age of not quite 19, and we talked it through several times. He was very cautious, but the relationship just went from strength to strength, and was pretty much as you describe. They were completely entwined, although they gave each other space as well. It all looked so healthy emotionally. 
She wasn't his first girlfriend, thank goodness, so I can at least say to him that there are other fish in the sea. (Not that I would use such a hackneyed expression!)
Looks like the golf will be a write-off because of the weather, but I'm off to buy his favourite tea for tonight ... 
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Wow, two situations with completely different outcomes. I had tears in my eyes for you, LaQueen. Thank you again, everyone.
He should be here in an hour or so, and I'm going to be able to tell him that I have been talking to "some friends" about it. 
(I think he would probably kill me if he knew I was posting about it on MN!)
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LaQueen, DH is a much, much better fit for me than my ex was 
DH has just gone to pick him up from the station, so I may not be back for a few hours, or possibly until tomorrow.
I know he'll keep busy once he is back at Uni - he has lots of hobbies and some good friends. One or two of the things that they did together might be a bit problematic, but hopefully we can help him sort his head out on those this weekend.
I don't think she means to keep him dangling. She is a nice person - so nice that even I can't get really angry at her for this, which I thought I would do. I think she is just confused. As far as I know he was her first boyfriend, so she just doesn't know how to handle the situation or her feelings.
This is long - sorry, and I hope it makes sense.
Well, we had a good chat last night and GS is certainly glad to have a change of scene for a couple of days. I won't dwell on that because things have moved on today.
This morning, GS and DH were out playing golf when I got a call from the GF. She was very emotional and desperately wanted to talk to my GS but his mobile was off (on the kitchen table next to me). When I said he was out she asked if she could talk to me about the situation. I said she could certainly talk to me, but I wasn't promising that I would pass anything on to my GS, or even tell him that she had called, because I didn't want him to be even more upset.
There is far more going on than I realised, or than she had told my GS, and we talked for more than an hour.
She comes from a reasonably well-heeled family, father is a "self-made man" and pompously proud of it (I've met her parents twice), but she is the first in the family to go to Uni. What I didn't know, although my GS did, is that her parents are paying for her to go to Uni, rather than her taking out a student loan. As a result, they are putting her under massive pressure to get a good degree.
At her parents' persuasion, this year she is living in a hall of residence that is miles from the main campus. The big idea seems to have been to restrict her access to nightlife on campus. Most of the students in the hall are postgrads, mature students and overseas students who work all hours and don't socialise. She says that some of them hardly seem to leave their rooms except to go to lectures and cook a meal. Many of the older students have cars, but she has to use public transport and that dries up at around 10pm each evening.
After the first week of term, during which she panicked about my GS for the first time, she was so miserable that she pretty well moved in with him because he lives much nearer the campus, and they were spending almost all their time together except when they were in lectures. Although she has loved being with him 24/7 over the summer, she realised that now she wasn't getting any work done. She was feeling incredibly guilty, and felt that she had to pull back from the relationship to do what her parents wanted.
She felt she couldn't tell my GS all of this because they had said "her degree should come first and he will only get in the way of that". Well, of course her degree should come first, but that doesn't mean that she has to spend a year alone in Outer Mongolia! 
She is a conscientious girl who would try to work hard wherever she lived, but when the two of them were crammed into his single room, she just didn't have the space, mentally or physically, to be able to focus on her work.
She is terribly upset about the hurt she has caused my GS, anxious about her final year, under pressure from home and a bit like a rabbit trapped in headlights - she can't see anything clearly. In a nutshell, her parents were guilt-tripping her last term, and have continued to do so ever since my GS and she returned from abroad in September. The implication has always been that if she doesn't do everything the way they want, they will pull the plug financially.
We talked about various possible solutions, but in the end it came down to getting her out of the miserable hall and into a more sensible place where she can be a student who takes personal responsibility for herself.
She and my GS had a very long conversation this afternoon. She explained everything properly to him and he will go with her to the accommodation office on Monday to find out if she can move. We're hoping that there might be a room going spare because of people dropping out of their courses since the start of term.
She has called her pushy, controlling parents and told them (not asked them) that she is moving if she possibly can. I have also spoken to her mum and we have discussed the reality of student life, depression and even (brave moment!) the effects of parental pressure.
My GS says he obviously knew that she wasn't happy in the hall, but he doesn't seem to have twigged how much stress the work situation was causing her (he is the type who does it all at the last minute and still gets annoyingly good results), and he certainly had no idea how much grief she was getting from her parents.
He hasn't said that they should get back together yet, because he knows it must be one step at a time, but I think the mood is now "cautiously optimistic". I have warned him not to let his protective instincts towards her to get the better of him.
If anyone is still faintly interested in this rambling saga, I will update on Monday! Thank you all for your help.
Thank you. Gold, and I am sorry to hear that you have had to go through a similar loss. Congratulations to your GS and his GF.
I suspect that if the same ever happens to my GS with his current GF, my wedding invite may not be forthcoming. I don't think her parents are too pleased with me right now!
It's good news!! She can move into a different hall this Thursday, it's only 10 minutes walk from my GS's hall and a 5 minute bus ride to the campus. She knows a few people who live there, and a friend of my GS who has a car has offered to move her stuff. 
She is over the moon, and my GS is very relieved. He said he's still going to be cautious about the relationship until he is sure that she is more stable emotionally.
He also said to me: "OMC, even I know that we can't afford to mess each other around with our finals coming up." Unheard of dedication to academic duty!
Thank you for your support for me and for him, lovely vipers! 
That's lovely news. I hope her parents come round to the idea that a happier student is one who is better able to learn very soon.
They sound like a lovely couple
No trouble. I hate threads on here where you never find out what happened next!
BTW, LaQueen, he was mightily impressed with your my wise comment about the Right one at the Right time. 
Thank you!
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