Is it possible to move on from an affair?

[mrscraig]

I found out just over 4 months ago that my husband had been having an affair with a much younger colleague. To say it came as a huge shock is something of an under statement- I've known him for most of my life and thought I knew him better than anyone.

At the time he moved out and, after a lot of soul searching, I decided to try again. Over the last few months though I have uncovered the depth of the affair. Including details of how many times they had sex, initially he swore that hadn't happened.
I have two daughters and feel wretched for them. I also really deeply love my husband - this in itself makes me feel weak and desperate. How pathetic am I??!
He is entrenched in my history and I never imagined being in this situation. He is trying to make amends but we are so uneasy with each other. If feels like we take one step forward and two back all the time.
To write down the extent of my excruciating pain would take forever. A million thoughts, ideas and images trawl through my mind constantly.
I read a lot of threads on here by women in my position. I know I'm not alone.
I read on another thread yesterday about how you should have a 'bottom line' of what you will not accept. In truth, what he has done falls below that bottom line. I feel so torn though- I feel I should give things more time and not make a hasty decision. But I am just so do tired and exhausted of feeling so utterly bewildered.
I'm also aware though that divorce on grounds of adultery you have a 6 month window- if we do divorce I bloody well want the truth on that certificate!!!!
I'm sorry for the ramble. Do i make any sense????
I suppose what I really want to know is can you ever really recover? Or am I going to live with this haunting us and never able to truly move on? My heart is just broken and I feel so so sad.

MrsCraig, I found out just over a month ago that my husband had an affair. Some people will say that is too soon for me to make a decision, but I knew the minute he told me that I wanted to stay with him. I didn't know how to do that and I didn't want him to just think it was fine and we could move on. I let him stew - went abroad, cleared my head, thought long and hard about it all.

But we are both determined to fix this and make our marriage even better than it was before his affair. Here's how it is possible:

• he has been entirely honest (he willing gives me access to all his tech devices, bank accounts, the works)
• he is utterly full of remorse and knows that he has to fight for me.
• he has read and read and read a bunch of info I have sent him and found stuff for himself too about what I will be going through and what he is going through
• we have started seeing a therapist (jointly and he is seeing one on his own too to try and understand why he did this)
• he fully accepts that his affair is his fault, not the fault of a poor marriage
• he talks to me openly and honestly every day now (more than he ever has in our marriage)
• we have drawn up a plan as to what we want our marriage to be like and are both working hard to make that happen
• we are taking baby steps. He is sleeping in our bed, but we only hold hands. I can't say I love you to him. Yet. He accepts that. We go out together and try to talk as much as we can (not about the kids/house).

I still have bad days, my anger is still close to the surface. But the initial shock and hurt have mostly gone. I know that he made a monumental mistake. HUGE. But that is what it was. He lost his mind for four months. He was led entirely by his cock. It is as though he has come out of some kind of sex-induced coma and now is so very ashamed of what he has done. I believe people - who are willing to accept responsibility like this and do whatever it takes to make amends - deserve a second chance. And frankly, I still love him and want to be with him.

We haven't had sex yet. That is another thing we still have to get through. And he fully accepts that me agreeing to try and put it behind us and rebuild is not the same as condoning what he did.

I read that forgiving someone is actually a gift to yourself. And it's true. I am working towards forgiving him and I feel much happier for it.

You need to ask yourself whether he is 110% committed to you and your marriage and takes full responsbility for what happened. If he does and you still love him, then you can make it work.

I gave my ex a chance but he chose not to take it. Am glad I tried though and that one day I can tell my children I didn't make the decision in haste or without trying to hold on to a normal family for them. In all honesty though I felt relieved when he blew it a second time a year on as I was in turmoil wondering if I could live with his betrayal and gradually realising that I couldn't. My deep sympathy to you and look after yourself.

Mrscraig before you make any decisions take a step back and remember who you are, as an individual, not a wife. Be proud of you, go out, take up a new hobby, look for a new job, do something as simple as change your hair, get new clothes, anything, but be proud of you. Build up your self esteem, and know that you are ok, invincible, a strong woman, and that you don't need him. Then you will be better placed to know if you want him. A marriage can't survive if you desperately cling on. It can if you both confront your issues, work together, pull together and start again.

I'm with my DH. I initially filed for divorce and rediscovered me. My DH and I talked, socialised, had fun and became friends. We'd cleared years of hurt and misunderstandings. It was a strange but calm time. I think we were sad that we'd wasted so many years but genuinely wanting to do whatever it took to make the other happy.

Now we have a very close and understanding relationship. The onus is on him to prove himself, not on me to police him. Your DH has to want to give up everything to do with the affair, and do everything you need him to do without being asked. If he doesn't reach this point he isn't worth a second glance.

It is hard though. You will feel a bit dead inside for a very long time.

Thanks for all the replies.
I found out they had dtd by looking again at his phone and deleted messages. He wasn't really prepared to be transparent despite me asking. I think he knew I'd get to bottom of it all eventually.
Now it's a different story. He's leaving phone out, texting during day and regularly checking in. I think he is remorseful. This time he 'gets it'
But I feel like damage is done but I don't think I'm ready to throw towel in yet.
Am so lost. I write this all down and feel like such a bloody fool.
Perhaps I do need to go and talk to someone. We did go to relate once but just didn't feel right. Counsellor was basically asking him where the problems in our marriage started for him...

@Cog

No I don't find it stressful as I don't go ^looking^ as such, I would just trust my instinct a bit more another time.
It's an interesting point you raise about the shift of power, I certainly feel that the relationship is on my terms. He has made huge efforts to be part of my life and hobbies, things that are important to me. I've always been pretty independent. I know I could go it alone. Doesn't make the shock of discovery any easier tho! Despite what the motivation was.

mrscraig, it is possible. My DH had a brief affair while our children were young and I was devastated. 10 yrs on and we are together. You never forget but you can rebuild trust if he recognises how wrong it was, the impact and potential consequences and if you are utterly honest with each other. people do make mistakes and they can make amends but both must really want it and be prepared to try to understand each other, and it takes ages, took me about a year before I felt normal again and longer to feel secure. Good luck

Mrscraig, I think you posted in August that your H had returned after his affair to make a go of things but was still texting her ? Was that how you found out?

I ask because if so, I would suggest his "good behaviour " now is less about remorse and more about trying to get back in your good books.

I feel for you. I have had two years post affair and we are ok pretty much, but only relatively recently, and there has been no more evidence of that sort. Although I was probably daft enough to spend a year getting him to he the H he should have been to start with, in full.

I think if he came back and dared to carry it on , that's a bit too much.

Just keep thinking about what you want, not anyone else.

I was willing to make my marriage work but my STBXH had to cut contact with the ow and work on our marriage. Neither of these things he could do. At the time I didn't realise this I just thought it was me going mad until I found a text from her. That was it I asked him to leave - I wasn't being second choice.

It wasn't what I wanted. I liked being married and I liked the security (!?!). 18 mths on I still miss him and wish it could have been different but my h and the ow were determined to be together and I didn't stand a chance being stuck at home with 2 children.

You have to do what you feel is right for you. None of us can tell you what to do. But you only get one life and you deserve to be happy. If you can make your marriage work then that is brilliant. Take your time you don't need to do anything yet.

MrsC hang on in there IF he loves you, you love him and if it is what you want. We are two years on from from the end of DH's affair. It had gone on, on and off, for two and a half years. I know I will get flamed on here for sticking with it but it is the right thing for me, for our DCs and for him. We were fortunate enough to be able to make a radical change at that stage and DH became a househusband, which has been massively great for him, for me and for DCs. It took us a year to find a steady place but I can honestly say now we have never been happier. Yes, there are demons, memories that come in unbidden most days. I will never ever forget but time does heal. I completely trust him now but I am mindful that I don't know what the future will bring, but then I figure none of us do.

Back in August I was asking a question about deleted messages on iPhones. He wasn't in contact with her. The messages I read were old. When I initially found out 4 months ago, again it was by text. I rumbled them, this wasn't a post affair discovery.
And that really hurts. It could have gone on and on. Or it could have fizzled out. I'll never know. I have so so much to be angry about. The relationship prior, during and after discovery is, to put it mildly, less than satisfactory.

Why do I love him? I am still in love with the man I married and have known since I was 11. It's him I'm in love with. I feel so weak and pathetic. I'm so ashamed of what has happened. People who know us will be stunned if they knew the truth.

Op, even if your marriage was less than satisfactory prior to the affair, your H should have talked to you about that rather than start an affair. I know that sometimes people don't do what is right, but with kids in the mix, having an affair is short-sighted, selfish & weak.

The fact that he lied again about having sex with her is just plain awful & unfortunately, rather predictable.

For you to even stand a chance of recovering from this, he needs to tell you everything. I think it's very hard to begin to even tackle the fallout from an affair without full disclosure. If he blames the marriage, but doesn't want to work on his faults & what made him choose to have an affair rather than talk to you, then it's going to make any chance of recovery very, very difficult.

At the end of the day, all marriages have rough patches/periods of disconnect. It would seem that many people who have affairs aren't necessarily unhappy in their marriages either - they're struggling with other stuff in life.

My exH lied about having sex - it was only a kiss. This didn't sit right with me & then I found evidence of a full affair. What I read will be seared into my brain forever. He claimed he lied to protect me - he was only protecting himself. What I found was much worse than if he'd told me the truth.

Have you got Shirley Glasses book?

By the way, you aren't weak & pathetic. Betrayal from someone you love makes you flail around all over the place. You can't just stop loving someone because they've been a shit. It's even harder when they seemed so straight & incapable of such deceit.

Mrsc, have you confided in anyone in RL ? Are you keeping his grubby secrets for him ? That is guaranteed to make you feel like shit. Where is your support ? Don't look to him for any...this is the person that hurt you unforgivably.

I wanted them named and shamed on the divorce papers six months ago, I wanted her to pay costs. Eight months down the line I could really give a shit as long as I never have to look at his face on the pillow next to me again.

Mrs C (funny calling you that as that's my real life nickname!) I remember your earlier threads as I am only a month ahead of you -

mrsc you are far from weak and pathetic - you are strong and you are trying to save your marriage. I know people tend to shout LTB, and I understand why, but I see nothing wrong in trying to save a marriage you think is worth saving. The harsh reality is that either you will find a "new normal" with your DH moving forward, or it will not work out. Either way, you will have stayed true to yourself.

I hope you do manage to work things out, but I would imagine it is a very long road to even begin to be able to trust someone again when this has happened - could I do it? I have no idea.

Sorry - pressed wrong bit of the screen on my phone!!

Anyway - my H's affair was discovered 5 months ago and I'm in a similar hellhole to you. I have days when I feel completely desperate and overwhelmingly sad. It's not all day every day as it was for the first couple of months though and I'm hoping the pain will continue to gradually lessen. I do feel trapped though and there times when I think it would be a blessing if he had a terrible accident, at least it would be a way out of this hell. What an awful thing to think which just upsets me more!!

My H is remorseful of his actions and bad choices but hasn't handled the situation (of his making, he admits that) well at times. He is depressed and really doesn't like himself at all. He finds the depth of my pain difficult to deal with too. We struggle on though, taking each day as it comes. Both of us find the idea of splitting up almost impossible - not quite as long as you but we have been together our entire adult lives and its extremely difficult to disentangle ourselves.

I second the suggestion that you each have individual counselling - I have found mine a lifeline in terms of trying to think in straight lines rather than the spiral of thoughts that can drown me. My counsellor is also getting me to focus on myself and what I want and how I feel rather than constantly responding to H. That's very hard to do - most of the time my answers are 'I don't know'. His counselling is helping him understand himself better to avoid such behaviours in the future. And is challenging and painful for him to peel back the layers of his personality.

We had marital counselling during months 2 and 3 post discovery but stopped that at the end of July (school hols were my excuse but in truth it wasn't being very helpful - I don't think either of us was in the right place for it.)

I have no idea how we will end up or whether we can 'get over' his affair. Currently I don't like, love or respect my H but I do hope those feelings can come back in time. I have no idea how though!! Its not something I can control. And it's incredibly difficult to live with - as I say I don't know how long I can 'bear' it. Each day as it comes I guess. Good luck to you and I hope you find some moments of peace soon.

Now you know the kind of man you are married to.

A man who will cheat on you, despite the promise of fidelity being so central to your relationship with each other.

A man who, on being caught out cheating, will tell more lies (using your love for your children to manipulate you into believing him by swearing on their lives), will continue to treat you like a fool, will save his own skin at your expense.

He is a weak man. A dishonest man. An unkind man. A coward. A man who places himself far above you and what is best for you.

Who cares if he is remorseful NOW?

He wasn't remotely remorseful when it actually mattered, when he could have stopped having the affair, or when he could have helped you recover from the affair by being honest.

Remorse at this points is meaningless and says nothing good about him at all.

Maybe he can become a different kind of man one day. But this is the kind of man he is now.

Do you really want to hang around seeing if he can become a person of integrity and worth?

Given his propensity for selfishness, lies and manipulation, it's hard to see how that transformation could come about.

As JoinYourPlayfellows points out - now you know the 'real' him and what he's capable of. It's has been very hard for me to see that and is a large part of the trauma I feel now. A question that haunts me is - if I had known this about him would I have married him?? Of course not and yet here I am 5 months later trying to save that marriage. It's so difficult to process that contradiction. Of course my H is not all bad and has many good traits as I'm sure your H does too. The question is, I suppose, is where do the scales balance in weighing up your lives together? The DC are part of that decision making process too and it is far from straight forward. I don't think you have had anything like enough time and are still reeling from the shock of it all. I don't think concerning yourself about the legal timings will help in this process - if you want to get divorced that can happen as and when you're ready.

I am in a very similar position and a lot of what you say is exactly how I'm feeling too. It's only been four weeks and he's made his choice to go with OW. However I found out by accident and I think it's forced the whole issue. I think he thought we'd carry on family life as before with him doing what he wanted elsewhere.

I couldn't live like that and have gone for a complete break. I have refused to speak or see him for a month. We sort out practicalities via text and e-mail regarding the children. I feel better for taking control and also I think it gives us time to work out what we both want.

I thought we had a good relationship but now I'm wondering if I want him back for all the wrong reasons? The fear of the new, being left on my own, keeping the status quo re the kids and also just not wanting her to have him and therefore 'winning'.

I think you need time out from each other whatever to make things clearer in both your minds.

MrsCraig For goodness sake don't feel weak and pathetic. If you are I am too. My ex has been part of my life for 30 years and is the father of our 2 children. That's not an easy thing to dismiss.

You are still coming to terms with the fact everything you thought may not have been the truth. It takes time. That's why you need to take time out from him and if you do get back together that you are both committed to making it work. It seems to be quite a common phenomena that the innocent party takes other party back but by that point realises that they don't want them anymore and it's the innocent party who finally ends it once and for all.

Absolutely agree with what others are saying about needing time apart. It's so important. If you miss out that step there is a very real risk of falling back into a largely unchanged unhealthy relationship.

I think the thing here is that it is not just a question of whether you can/can't get over the affair. This is not a solo event, it is up to him as well. The posters who have a happy ending describe husband behaviour which is quite different to what you have been describing. Someone who is contrite, and transparent and is equally committed to making things work.

Also individual therapy is what you need right now. Someone who is supporting you and helping you to understand how this is WAY more to do with him than you. You feel shit right now and all those millions of things are going to continue just going around and around unless you can let them out in real life. Pref to your H, does he understand how his actions have impacted you? Best of luck you are not weak and pathetic just broken hearted for you and you children and your family

Thank you for all the messages. Have been at work today - which helps as I haven't time to pick over it.

I will look into a counsellor. Perhaps talking to someone neutral will help.
Thanks again for helping to keep me (just) the right side of sanity.