has anyony had a not so great realtionship with their mother then gone on to be close to a dd? really worried

[yummytummy]

hi, have just been wondering about this.

unfortunately i have never really been close to my mother. basically a personality clash i think, she is quite passive aggressive and i think has never really understood me or tried to understand where i am coming from on things. there is a long and painful history with many incidents of hurt i guess on both sides and the relationship has i think deteriorated completely of late. i dont speak to her much and if she does ring i am tense for the whole time and leave conversation feeling drained emotionally. its never relaxed cant be around her and at ease and it makes me feel like i am flawed somehow especially when i hear of friends who are close to their mums and i just cant picture it.

the final straw in things has been the fact that i am in a very abusive relationship with physical and emotional abuse and my parents have known how bad it is for some time. however they are very traditional and believe divorce is to be avoided at all costs and its best for the kids to stay together etc etc. also great shame on their heads if i leave husband. so basically i have no family support if/when i leave as they have said they will disown me take kids blah blah blah which they cant do but still hard to hear it. they are just sticking heads in sand.

i have tried to make them see how much better it would be for me to leave but they wont accept it and are as good at minimising things and shifting blame onto me as my husband is. they think the sun shines out of his a**e by the way and it galls me that they laugh and joke with him knowing full well how he treats me. i cant forgive them esp my mother for this and for making me feel like i have no safe place to go to when things are bad. i try to limit contact as much as possible but they keep trying to force the relationship. i can only deal with it by detaching and also as the kids adore them and i never had grandparents so want them to have a relationship with them even though i am so angry at how they act.

anyway due to this i always envisaged myself with boys as i feel i dont know how to successfully parent a daughter as i never had that? i am so worried of the cycle carrying on and would never want my daughter to hate me as much as i hate them and would never want her to be alone. even now i cant understand my parents what kind of parent sits back and lets their child suffer like that? if anyone touched dd i would kill them.

but then i dont want to pressure dd to live up to the expectations of a relationship that i didnt have. i guess i just really desperately want to be a better mother to her than mine was/is and wondered what was the best way to do it. obviously mainly theoretical as dd only 2 but i just so badly want to set the best foundation for her for the future so she will never ever have to feel even an ounce of the pain that i do.

also if there were others who perhaps arent close to their mothers how to deal with the pain of that? i would dearly love to go no contact with my mother but unfortunately cant due to cultural and religious expectations.

any thoughts would help so much as the whole thing is really getting to me lately

thankyou

[MrsZimt]

" i feel like the very few crumbs of affection i may get from husband is better than nothing and if i left wdnt even have that. "

yummy, I know that it is really hard to leave an abusive relationship without any help from family. In your case the family is enabling him to continue the abuse.

You don't need crumbs of affection from an abuser! There are many good men out there who aren't abusive, who treat women with respect. I know this thread is about mother-daughter relationship but your situation (and your worries about dd) could be endlessly improved when you get your self confidence back that your h and parents have knocked out of you.

You realise the situation is very similar? Your mother is emotionally abusive and your husband too. You still crave affection from both, because it's better than none. No affection, no contact from/withthese people is better.
You sound lovely. I know it's really tough to give up on that idea that there will never be a mother putting her hands round you lovingly. But you don't deserve this treatment. Sorry for the novel, but my heart aches for you.

[Soditall]

I had an horrendous relationship with my Mum(and Dad)was constantly told I was a mistake and blamed for all they're short comings.
I was raped for years as a child(not by family member)and she never noticed any of the signs,I ended up anorexic for years and tried to commit suicide at 13 years old because she constantly beat me from about 2 years old.
I was in a horrendous relationship with ex husband(he was abusive and raped me)when I turned to her for help she said I'd made my bed and had to lay in it.
I went onto have 2 sons with him,but then I got strong.He went to hit me one day because I asked him if he'd like a cup of tea.He had our two very young sons on his lap.That was the final straw for me!
I told him he left of his own accord or I'd ring my 2 big brothers and he'd be leaving in a body bag.He left there and then,my parents took his side and let him move in.I was shocked to say the least but I got on with my life for mine and my sons sakes and we were happier than we'd ever been.

Within a month my Mum and Dad saw what a nightmare he was to live with and they started to take my side,he moved out and me and my parents worked on our relationship.

I had another awful relationship(I had really low self esteem because of my childhood)and had two more children a 3rd DS and my first DD.
I honestly thought my parents would disown me,but I did so well on my own that my aunties and uncles and brothers were always praising me up to my Mum and Dad.

My Mum and Dad actually started praising me up to everyone and my Mum admitted there was no way she could have looked after 4 children with my Dad's help let alone on her own.I had and still have a wonderful relationship with my daughter and I went onto have a 5th child my second DD with my now husband.I adore both my daughters and I'm always celebrating they're successes with them.I know we'll always be close and all the children will always be close with each other unlike myself and my siblings.

My relationship with all my children is nothing like the one's I had with my own parents and my parents are now wonderful grandparents and honestly I'd rather they were great grandparents and shit parents than the other way round.

I've changed the way I felt about my parents short comings.I realize now that my Mum had PND for years and just never got any help and that my Dad had no idea what to do.

I'm stronger for what I've gone through and now I have the confidence to not take any nonsense from my DH or anyone else!
It also means I have a greater understanding for other people's behavior which has been really helpful.
I used those skills to go onto college,to work in schools,to be Vice chair of surestart and to help lots of families that were struggling.

[Salbertina]

Wow, Sodit, respect! What an inspiration.

[duvetheaven]

I have not had a close or fruitful relationship with my mother over the years but it took me a while to realise it as you need a bit of 'distance' from your childhood to realise what is the norm. I can't remember my mother ever giving me a compliment - it pains her. I think it is about her childhood but have finally become philosophical over it as I now it is partly about her own childhood . She very much favours her sons - luckily my father was there until my early 20's to provide some positive messages! And very much missed ( deceased).

When I left my ex-husband, my mother was the last to know and rather than phoning her to tell her I wrote her a letter and told her why this would be the best thing for me. I knew that if we had a conversation about it , there would be no support. She lives about 120 miles away but only been to visit me about 4 times in 15 years because she is so 'busy' although admittedly she is getting older now. Leaving my ex- was difficult but liberating and 2 years on I feel great.


As other MN's have said you know what not to do when bringing up your DD. I have an amazing five year old DD and how can I not give her compliments every day, loads of affection, opportunities , reassurance, my time? I can see she is a confident child and I think that is partly due to the positive messages she is getting.

Something interesting I heard before is that in those unbalanced parental relationships we can seek out partners who are in some ways similar to the 'negative' parent as we think we can fix the relationship in a subconscious way? I found that really fascinating and I think that is what happened with my ex-h .

I remember holding my six week old daughter when a stranger a woman in her 60's or 70's looked at my daughter and said ' she's beautiful' and when I thanked her , she said to me 'Like her mother'. That really touched me and has stayed with me as my own mother has never said that to me but a stranger did!

As for mother now, I think she is doing the best she can but I don't rely on her for any emotional support. I live my own life and although it took a long time ( now in my 40's), I gradually realised that a mother isn't always 'right' and I don't need the negativity.

[CailinDana]

I hate to say it so baldly but your mother simply doesn't love you. Something went wrong (NOT your fault) maybe pnd maybe something else which meant she never developed that motherly bond with you. No mother who loved her child could stand by and see her daughter abused. You clearly love your daughter.

However it is not safe or healthy for your dd or ds to be in this situation. If you don't leave your abusive h your relationship with both children will suffer.

[Nagoo]

My mum does not get on with her own mother at all. She's an awesome mother to me :)

[differentnameforthis]

I don't talk to my mum, haven't for 22yrs now. My story is on here, so I won't bore you too much, but she never wanted me.

I have 2 dd's. Super close to them, because you know what she taught me? How NOT to parent.

[differentnameforthis]

And as to how I deal with the pain of not being close to her, I don't. :(

I just don't think about it too long or too much.

[differentnameforthis]

Sorry for multiple posts,

but am pleased to think it can be different for dd

The very fact that you are here, trying to make sure it will be different, means it already is.

My eldest (10) taught me what a mother-daughter relationship should be like.

[mummytime]

Well I had a good relationship with my mother, and my cousins did with their mother (my Aunt), but my grandmother was pretty horrible. She had a golden child, and even tried to kill my Aunt once.

If there wasn't hope for relationships getting better down the generations, there probably wouldn't be any good ones today.

[Dahlen]

I'm sorry you've had to go through this with your own parents. It's every child's right to have a loving relationship with parents and you've been cheated out of that. It's almost certainly the reason you've ended up with another abuser for a husband.

You're looking for reassurance and I'd love to be able to give it to you but I can't. It is only a matter of time - if it hasn't already happened - before you're put in a situation where what your DD needs is in direct contrast to what your H demands. It is the death of a thousand cuts that kills most relationships, not one big event. It's probably exactly the same as what happened in your relationship with your own mother.

I'm really, really sorry to sound so harsh, since none of this is your fault, but the only way to really ensure your relationship with your DD breaks the pattern is to leave.

[Lazysuzanne]

Re the pain of not being close to your mother, I guess for me I don't miss what I've never had I just learned to lean on myself when things were difficult.

When both my kids are leaning on me, well I do feel extremely leaned on!

[Namechangingnorma]

My mums relationship with my grandmother is very difficult, although she hides it well. She has done everything she can to make sure our relationship is the total opposite, she is amazing

[plentyofsoap]

I am in a similar position. I have not had contact with my mother for a very long time for many reasons, but mainly she is just horrid. I am expecting a dd and its on my mind, but she has taught me what not to do. I have had comments like "you can do all the mother and daughter things together" I have no idea what these are but I am looking forward to finding out. My mother stayed in a violent dv relationship with my df and ultimately chose him over me, I cannot really forgive that as it ruined my childhood.

[Lazysuzanne]

I am surprised at the number of people who post on here that they are nc with parents, in general life I avoid the subject because the reaction is usually one on non-comprehension
'but she's your mum'
and then they will encourage me to get back in touch because 'everyone needs their mum'

frankly I need her like I need a hole in the head!

I agree with others who have said she has taught me what not to do, it's very easy to contrast the way she dealt with things and the way I deal with things.

i think the fact that I have cut her out of my life shows that I understand very clearly the difference between a mother who is on her daughters side and one who isnt.

I've had plenty of time to reflect on things she said and did, to ponder possible motivations and examine my own behaviour towards my children

[AlisonClare]

Bad relationship with my mother. Abusive alcoholic partner, died 13 years ago.

Fantastic relationship with my 25 year old daughter.

Tips: allow her to be herself; never criticise; tell her she's beautiful regularly and look into her eyes when you say it and tell her how much you love her every day, laugh with her and laugh at yourself. If she needs to cry, let her cry and never tell her she's stupid for crying. Love stops the tears faster than telling anyone that they're stupid. If you argue, make it up before she sleeps. never let her cry herself to sleep.

All daughters are beautiful.

[Buzzardbird]

Those are beautiful words Alison :)

[Salbertina]

Lazy- I've had that reaction too. Its hard enough anyway without that further stab from a well intended friend.
Truly i think my mother doesn't love me - those mother & daughter things? Well, what are they? I went clothes-shopping with friends, learnt anout make-up from friends, never with her. We've had a couple of rather stilted exhibition visits followed by lunch.. Ever. Whenever as an adult I've turned to them for help -mc, separation, they not only have NOT offered any support but have either ignored the very existence of the problem (like I'm a basketcase and made it up ) or downplayed it massively as no big deal and would change the subject, seriously!

[Lazysuzanne]

Salbertina, I presume that other people just dont get it because it's so far from their own experience and they just cant imagine a mother who isnt 'maternal'?

Also there is this assumption that parents are owed unconditional loyalty. My feeling is that my children dont owe me anything, they didnt ask to be here, I brought them into being and it falls to me to provide the appropriate amount of support

[Salbertina]

V true. Doubtless like you and OP, it is only dawning on me v belatedly how abnormal and unmaternal my dm is! I'd previously thought she was a "good mother" purely because they always said so. She is incapable of showing it, never can express it. I's thought it was my failing but its hers.

Op- please see that it is your dm's and dh's failings at the root of all this abuse, NOT yours. Crumbs of comfort are not what anyone deserves Expect more but not from them.

[binger]

I haven't read through full thread, just your op.

I was adopted by a vicious woman. She was an alcoholic who physically and emotionally abused me. Thankfully she's no longer around so I don't have to make the decision to go nc or not.

I have a dd of almost 11 and we have such a strong relationship. She comes to me with the tiniest trouble and relies on me to give her support and strength when she needs it. In other words I "mother", my mother didn't. I did struggle in the early days but I think this was a lot to do with the switch of becoming a mother and probably directly related to a lot of stuff coming back to haunt me.

What helped me was finally facing my demons and letting them go, stopping blaming myself for the past and looking for ways to let my mother off the hook by taking the blame. I believed a mother nurtures and loves and if that didn't happen it must have been my failing - thankfully I now recognise the truth and realise it was all down to her, not me.

As I've let go of all that baggage (via counselling, meds and finally hypnotherapy - which was the biggest help), I can now love freely and without conditions, I can trust and smile and my children are happy and know how much they are loved.

You can have a strong, in breakable bond with your girl but you need to start by healing yourself.

Sorry, too long but I'm crap at going straight to the point without sounding hard and cut throat.

[yummytummy]

thanks so much for all the comments, lots to think about.

i never thought of it like it was parents abusing me and then husband but now that i look at it differently it is quite clear.

as for the relationship with husband i have been aware that it isnt right for a long while and am starting to make my plan to leave. i know i have a way to go though but can see already how i would feel better in myself without these negative influences.

cailindana, its very painful to think my mother doesnt love me and i would find that hard to accept it did come across as quite harsh. but then i think she cant really to stand by while i am suffering like this.

my parents keep trying to force the relationship on me and i think if they really didnt care why are they trying? they dont have any sense of my boundaries though and dont respect them. if i say not to come they just turn up anyway and never accept me being upset by it. i feel like they wont let me leave as will put so much emotional pressure on me that i wont be able to. but tbh now i feel like stuff them they werent there to help so why should i give a stuff how they feel?

my mother has failed in her primary role to protect her child and that cant be forgiven.

thanks all for helping me with the clarity. i am going to really start planning now and hope to eventually lead a peaceful life even if i am alone as maybe no support is better than crap support or the expectation of support which never comes.

i am happy that i can build a better relationship with dd.

[Salbertina]

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Don't give away your power- you don't need your parents permission in what you do. Break the pattern, think differently and re-set this expectation. Much easier to say than do! Can you get some therapy to help you through this?

[Salbertina]

How do they come anyway? Do they have a key? If so, firmly and politely ask for it back. If not, be out or pretend to be out.

[Salbertina]

It honestly sounds like they care in their fucked up self-serving way but that its shameful and inconvenient for them for their dd to separate/divorce. Probably not malicious- They probably don't even realise this!
I speak from bitter experience