Advice on my new relationship

[Priceliss]

Hi - I wanted to say thanks in advance for your advice and taking time to read this I will try and keep it as brief as possible.

I met my current gf about 3 months ago (so a fairly recently relationship) I met her at a time in my life when I wasn't expecting a relationship as 5 months ago I came out of a 2 year relationship with my first love. It was a really horrific and traumatizing break up and I wasn't looking for a relationship especially so soon after my recent break up it just sort of happened. Since being with my gf I have been seeing signs in her behavior that I find quite distressing and don't know how to cope with.

Since being with her she opened up to me that she had a really horrid childhood with emotional, sexual and physical abuse from both parents and various other people. When I met her she had come out of a marriage of 2 years which was abusive and obviously left a lot of scars on her. She let me know before her marriage she had a mental break down after being raped by a stranger and the build up of the abuse over time. She since got herself better but it is obvious she has severe depression which I think (though I'm not dr) but believe has manifested itself in some sort of personality disorder or PTSD.

Even though we have only been together 3 months she started making remarks about my friends and how I put them "first". I am a social person and live with my best friend which tbh since my break up has honestly been the most healing positive experience. When she had her "mental breakdown" she lost all her friends so she told me she gets jealous that I have that and she doesn't. She has a controlling side to her which is just not how I am. Since being together only 3 months she's asked me to marry her and said she's DEEPLY in love with me which I personally find a bit "much" for a person who's known me only 3 months.

She tells me she hears voices that I don't really love her and I'm "using" her and she has a lot of paranoia to the point she won't even go running which I suggested would help her with her depression. I've finally managed to get her to go and see a counselor but honestly I feel she needs to see a psychiatrist which she will not do. She say's she will make herself "better" like she did last time. Whereas my point is you are clearly NOT better if you are acting like this and hearing things.

It's got to the point her behavior is SO erratic I actually don't know what to do. She demands CONSTANT attention from me even when I'm at work (and we both have jobs) and even in the evenings if i don't call or text (because she's been on my ass ALL day) and I want some peace and quiet.

Just Wednesday she fell asleep on the sofa and I left her to sleep as she looked comfortable so I chatted to my room mate and she wakes up like a bat out of hell and proceeds to argue with me for 2 hours about how I don't care or love her which i later find out the next day is her "paranoia" and she's been having nightmares and can't sleep recently.

I am honestly at my wits end with it all as bad as that sounds. It's just what I DIDN'T need right now in my life and all these issues forced on me I don't know how to cope with. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I am the most relaxed, calm, uncontrolling person in a relationship my friends tell me I have the patience of a saint with all this but honestly I care about her a lot even though it's a new relationship but all this is just so unattractive and so self centered. Everything is about HER and HER depression and HER issues - none of it is taking into account me and my needs and tbh I'm a very easy going person with not a lot of needs so I kind of get washed aside.

Any advice from the lovely mumsnet community would be greatly appreciated.

[saggyhairyarse]

She needs professional help and is not mentally stable enough to be in a relationship. Equally, you do not need this shit and her problems are not your responsibility. Personally, I would distance yourself though she might go bunny boiler when you end it.

[WeAreSeven]

Priceliss, you are not responsible for her happiness and you alone can't make her happy.
She sounds ill. I don't have a background in mental health but have some experience of people close to me who have MH problems. The "voices" are indicative of some sort of psychosis, possibly schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or in some cases bipolar disorder. The trouble is, that unless someone is a danger to themselves or to others, if they refuse treatment then no-one can force them to seek treatment. Anti-psychotics may be needed but due to the side-effects a lot of people don't want to take them.
People with these disorders can have relationships but this works better if they are willing to work with the HCP's to get better.

She sounds to me like she might get worse, though. If you stay, you will be compromising your own happiness and your own mental health.

Someone I know was advised years ago to leave his relationship with a woman like this. This advice came from her psychiatrist. He stayed because he loved her. He became miserable and ill, developed an ulcer due to stress. and looked so pale and gaunt, we were all worried for him. He ended up leaving anyway and by them there were children involved.

Don't do that to yourself.

[Meerka]

If you stay with her this will go on and on and on. She'll try to isolate you from your friends. I don't think she does understand you at all actually, I think it just feels that way. There's something very deeply wrong that she needs help with, and only she can really ask for that help from professionals.

It depends on if you want to risk the drama and damage for the good times. At a guess, those will get less and less.

Anyway, said my piece, like I say, let us know how it goes :)

[Priceliss]

Meerka - I agree with you that wasn't my intention at all. It's very hard to explain that sometimes she comes across really extremely and rational. When I proposed this to her I said I do care for you obviously but I just can't give you that title while you behave like this. Because tbh it's really hard as she has this "normal" side to her which is so cool, funny, caring. Then she has this "other" depressed side that is just irrational, paranoid, controlling.

I wouldn't take advantage of a person and string them along. She can go from being "normal" and understanding me 100% for a few hours or a day then no. On friday I took my friend to the hospital I told her in advance I won't be able to have my phone or talk because I'm with my friend (whos she's met). She understood said no problem contact me after, I said sure. I'm in the hospital I get 4 missed calls and in the period of 3 hours we haven't talked she's become "depressed" and now talking about wanting to self harm though she won't do just thoughts. I'm like what the heck???

[Meerka]

I think you know the score with this girl, and what the future holds. Telling her you'll be friends with benefits is is going to leave her clinging on.

I'm sorry but she doesnt sound rational and I think you need to make it clear to her that there's no future with her and you are no longer involved at all. And you might have to say it over and over and stay firm otehrwise she'll carry on thinking there's hope. Especially if you say you won't see anyone else. That's going to leave her clinging to the thought that you're really hers.

[pictish]

God lord, but the RUN hooters are blaring!!
If I were in your shoes, the fact is, she would be gone.
While I know I would feel saddened and sorry for her because I am not an ogre, that would be drowned out by the huge sigh of relief as I closed the door on that episode for good.

[Priceliss]

Hi Meerka - Oh yes I was just saying for clarification because I know it might look confusing as I mentioned a man and a woman that I am a female and have relationships with both genders but more so women :)

[Priceliss]

In fairness to her she didn't scream at me - she doesn't really raise her voice she argues for hours though over points that are so crazy and gets herself worked up. Last saturday I sat down and explained to her while her behavior was how it was I couldn't be in a serious relationship with her and we needed to keep it casual. I said I would still be here support her, I even said I wouldn't see anyone else but we would discuss being proper gf's again when her behavior changed and I saw signs she was getting help for her depression and the voices. She took this okay and said fine.

I see her the day after and she is FINE in good mood nothing even joking about saying I was her "friends with benefits" now laughing in pleasant normal mood. Then she falls asleep on sofa in the evening and wakes up goes on and on about how I'm her friends with benefit not her girlfriend I'm going to leave her for someone else, why does she bother? I'm like rest of them who hurt or left her eventually. God knows why I am here with her. Then she will lead that into other things - it's like tree branches of arguments lol. It doesn't matter what I say or how much sense or how confused I am because the day previously and only a few hours ago she fully understand's. Like I cannot explain the mood change for night to day. And once she get's something in her head it like that's it no budging.

[Meerka]

well, you called your ex fiance 'him' but your gf is clearly a 'her' so it was fairly clear you were either male or female ... well .. uh ... I suppose you would be one of the two. Open to relationships with either gender!

Let us know how it goes with this girl

[Apocalypto]

So I think A LOT of her behavior is a very physically pretty girl being able to get away with things her whole life by behaving this way.

This. As a friend of mine puts it, "very good looking people are as nice as they have to be"

[Apocalypto]

@ Priceliss

There's never a good time to bin someone.

"You can't dump me, I'm depressed."
"You can't dump me, I've lost my job."
"You can't dump me, that'll just about finish me off."

Get rid, this is damaging to be around and you owe a casual acquaintance of 3 months' standing exactly nothing.

[Priceliss]

Can I just say that surprising (or not) I'm a female!

[Meerka]

all good points. Unless someone tells her things are very wrong, maybe she won't seek help (again; sounds like she's had a bit of help in the past). I was just thinking that being on the end of real bad screaming fits from someone so damaged can be very hard to handle. I guess also if she did self-harm, the OP might feel bad. Even though it's not his responsibility, it's hers.

Maybe she´d be ok tho and even learn from it. Sounds like someone who really does need to seek serious help.

[YellowTulips]

Always good to get different points of view, but my thoughts would be:

1. Its not clear from the OP, nor is it possible to determine if the GF's behavior is a symptom or her abuse or if she is using the abuse to enable her (controlling and erratic) behavior.

1. Regardless of the above - she isn't fit to be in a relationship.

1. Yes, if you are truthful there is the chance (a very real one) that however kind and compassionately you instigate a split that she could turn nasty or her behavior could escalate. This however is true when you end any relationship.

1. If you lie, then you enable her to perpetuate her behavior because "its not about you, it's me" and prevent her from potentially realizing she needs help.

So, yes - to be fair it may be easier to lie, but I don't think its the right thing to do.

[Priceliss]

Dear all,

Thank you for your support, advice and replies it's really useful and great.

Yes she does have a history of self harm (taking unsubscribed diazepam and over dosing on anti depressants) as well as attempting suicide in which she was assigned a social worker but no psychiatric assessment???? The reason she killed herself as she "heard voices" telling her to do it.

3 weeks ago I went to see my ex fiancee the first time I'd seen her since she broke up over the phone with me 4 months earlier telling me she was going to marry a muslim man in order to get a visa for the UK after 2 years together. I needed to see her to get some closure and my stuff back. She freaked out about it having a "mental breakdown" saying she wished she was dead and wanted to die and said I had the "power to bring on her psychosis". Despite the fact I told her a week in advance I would see my ex, the train times in order to reassure her and was honest about everything as I don't believe in lying in a relationship.

God knows for my life hah!

[Meerka]

Usually I'm very much for being honest but in this rare case I'd politely disagree with Yellow Tulip. The girl sounds too unstable and could take it very badly. I would suggest saying that you don't think you yourself are ready for a relationship after the break up of the last one and you're not capable of loving her to the depth she deserves.

It's a cop out but from what you say I'm just a bit afraid that she will go crazy nuts, if she went into a 2 hour rage about how you don't love her over, well, nothing. Saying that you think she needs help could be interpretted as an attack by someone who is so very fragile. Or she could threaten to self harm or worse.

[YellowTulips]

She is not well enough to be in a relationship and needs professional help.

Better to cut ties now - for you both.

Be as compassionate as you can and be clear on the reasons why.

I can't see any other option.

[Priceliss]

I never alluded to abuse being something confined to the poor or working class I know it can happen in ALL sections of society. What I'm saying is her behavior is particularly bizarre because she was abused but she was also very spoiled and dotted on as a child in some ways. From what she's told me she's got anyway with anything she wants in her previous relationships before she had a "mental breakdown" 2 years ago and isolated herself from everyone.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"But what doesn't make sense to me is she said she was badly abused as a child"

Abuse is not the preserve of the poor. Just leave her to her neuroses and treat it as a lucky escape.

[AnyFucker]

End it kindly and recommend she seek professional help as you are not qualified to do that

Cut all contact, and don't agree to be "friends" at least for a good while. Maybe you could pick up a friendship later, when she is more stable, but you are not obliged to

[GirlWithTheLionHeart]

Run for the hills

[Meerka]

shivers it won't get better.

Get out, stay out, try to cut all contact.

You can be spoiled in material things and heavily abused in other ways, btw. However, at some point you either start to grow up and deal with the damage, including being given too much / being spoiled, or you end up with your own life a living hell and making everyone else's a hell too. This girl sounds like she is in the second category.

Don't, don't, don't get sucked in. If you don't get out, suspect she'll try to suck you in more, alienate you from your friends and isolate you, and she'll become worse and worse.

Please let us know how it goes

[Priceliss]

Cognito - It's funny you said this as a very good friend of mine who suffered from severe depression and now in recovery told me the exact same thing. She said no matter how "depressed" she is that she is using her depression as an excuse to behave terribly.

I haven't seen any evidence of lying. But what doesn't make sense to me is she said she was badly abused as a child (which I don't deny) but then say's she was spoiled and given whatever she wanted to eat, drink (sweets) money. I mean she get's given £800 on her birthday by her parents - not something I would consider "normal". So I think A LOT of her behavior is a very physically pretty girl being able to get away with things her whole life by behaving this way.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

She's definitely abusive. It's emotional bullying to dump all your woes on someone so that they feel responsible for you, monopolise their time, try to scare away their friends, get too intense too quickly, .... and it's verbal abuse to scream at someone for two hours for talking to a flat-mate. She may or may not be damaged & she may or may not be telling the truth about her experiences, but she's very definitely exploiting the situation as an excuse to behave extraordinarily badly.