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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Would you stick up for your partner against your partner's parent?

46 replies

BadLad · 08/09/2013 15:54

There was a horrible incident tonight.

Background. I live with DW, her mother, her sister, the sister's partner and two nephews. My sister-in-law has a third child on the way.

DW, who is a few years older, can't have children, and this is a constant source of embarrassment to my mother-in-law, who can't understand why anyone has married DW. She even went as far as to apologise to my parents, when they visited, that they wouldn't be getting any grandchildren.

Anyway. tonight she said to DW in front of the whole family at the dinner table that "Badlad will probably leave you in a few years. The urge for kids will kick in and he will look for someone who CAN have them".

There was an extremely awkward silence, and I excused myself.

Tomorrow it will just be the two of us in the house - MiL and I - and I am at a bit of a loss as to what to do. I have never wanted children, but she just cannot understand that.

She and I have a great relationship, and for the most part living with the in-laws has been far better than I expected when I moved here.

But I feel I have to say something. I really want her to stop bringing this up, and just let the matter of kids drop, unless she means SiL and her partner.

Or should I just let DW and her mother talk between the two of them?

All thoughts welcome.

OP posts:

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Catmint · 09/09/2013 22:23

Yes. He and I are a team. We chose to be together, support each other and have each other's back. She is just his mother. This does not give her the right to denigrate him.

perfectstorm · 09/09/2013 22:18

I think it sounds like you handled it perfectly. Good for you, and thank you for coming back to update us.

milk · 09/09/2013 14:29

Gosh hindsight is a horrible thing. So many times I wish I had said something and the moment has passed :(

BadLad · 09/09/2013 13:15

Thank you for the good wishes.

Now it has been said once, it will be easier to bring up in future.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/09/2013 13:11

Good outcome. Let's hope your MIL takes the message on board now

Blu · 09/09/2013 12:37

Well done, 'Bad'Lad - a great mix of assertiveness and sensitivity.

RaRaZ · 09/09/2013 11:13

Just seen your thread now, so too late to add advice, but think you handled things extremely well Badlad. I hope things get better for you now.

Jux · 09/09/2013 09:59

Well done. What a sensible person you are. You and dw sound delightful. Hope your MIL takes heed and accepts that you are all very happy with your situation.

MrsHoratioNelson · 09/09/2013 05:37

I think your approach has been very sensible - wspecially not trying to ram the point home too forcefully. I had been about to say that I wouldn't have brought the question of whether or not you wanted children into it and focus on how hurtful your MIL was being, but I can see that actually she needed to know that you were not just being polite about that.

Please make sure you bring it up again whenever she does - "MIL we've discussed this, you know I don't want children and you're upsetting me and DW by harping on about it". That way it's clear that she is the one who is in the wrong. I feel for your wife - desire for children aside, it's not nice to be thought of as damaged goods by your parents.

BadLad · 09/09/2013 03:17

Well, MiL and I have had our discussion. I decided to steer away from telling her that she was being rotten to DW, so that she couldn't fob me off by saying that in case DW should come and talk to her herself.

Instead I went for a twin-pronged approach that I had never wanted children, didn't want them at all, and was very happy being married to DW. I also told her that I had been extremely embarrassed by her bringing it up at all, let alone blurting it out, in front of SiL and her family.

She apologised for the latter, but then said, as she has before, that she feels so sorry for my parents, who aren't going to be having any grandchildren, and have their own son living with someone else's family (I have no other siblings).

I told her not to worry about that, as my parents aren't bothered abut grandchildren (I'm not sure that is true, but she doesn't need to know), and that as they themselves had always lived away from my grandparents, they didn't see anything wrong with my doing the same.

She said that she was delighted with the marriage, but that if she had been my mother, she would have been very disappointed that her son had married an older woman who couldn't have children.

I said that my parents took the view that it was my life to lead however I wanted, and that as I was happy with my lot, so were they, and that I felt very happy to have DW. And that we were already planning what to do after retirement, which isn't too far ahead for DW.

We left it at that. I'm not entirely happy that I made my point as much as I wanted, but it's a start. And if it is brought up between the two of them again, at least DW can tell her mother "You know, you are making BadLad feel very uncomfortable by going on about this".

Thanks to everyone who posted.

OP posts:

Blu · 08/09/2013 22:45

BadLad, I can understand you not wnating to get inbetween mother and dd and 'defend' her to her mother and that you would not necessarily want your DW to defend you to your mother.

However when your MIL said "Badlad will probably leave you in a few years. The urge for kids will kick in and he will look for someone who CAN have them" you could have defended YOURSELF by saying 'Actually I will never leave DW, I am very happy, thank you" - because she was actually accusing YOU of fickleness etc, as well as having an v unpleasant go at her dd.

I think a calm statement of your own feelings is a good idea.

The main thing is that your DW is confident that you are v much on her side and do not share her mother's views.

ratspeaker · 08/09/2013 22:36

I think you need to tell MIL that you were very at her suggestion, in front of the whole family, that you would leave your wife. That discussions about you and your wife having children should not be a topic of conversation, Loss of face etc.

FamiliesShareGerms · 08/09/2013 21:14

Yup, hope it goes well

perfectstorm · 08/09/2013 20:17

Good luck, OP.

Isetan · 08/09/2013 18:27

X posted, good luck.

Isetan · 08/09/2013 18:24

I think in the first instance talk to your wife about a strategy for this type of situation, especially as you both intend staying with her parents. Explain to DW that it is extremely upsetting watching anybody, her mother included, hurt his wife. I would tell MIL that bitch that YOU DO NOT WANT CHILDREN and it is one of the many reason why you chose her wonderful daughter to be your DW. Let her know that her attack on DW is an attack on you too and out of respect you are having this private word with her. If these disrespectful comments are uttered again you will not hesitate in defending you and your DW choices and if thats in front of an audience, so be it.

It appears MIL doesn't see her vicious comments as an attack on you. I would definitely play that angle, the old bint is used to beating DW with this particular stick and may be less inclined to beat you with it.

Oh and congratulations for not decking the woman that bitch, cos I would have gone all South London on her ass.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2013 17:51

All the best, badlad

MurderOfGoths · 08/09/2013 17:34

Good luck

BadLad · 08/09/2013 17:26

I've pondered it, and seeing as I have been told that I "don't have to", rather than "please don't", I am going to tell MiL that we aren't going to have any children, and that we both extremely happy with that.

I'll do it without referencing her comment over tonight's dinner.

TVTonight, it is common on Japan for parents to put their own children down quite a bit - when I married my first wife, her father asked me why on earth I wanted to marry someone so stupid. Just like that. Then when I visited her cousins, her aunt and uncle were similarly disparaging of their own children. But this does indeed seem to be particularly unpleasant - I've no idea why she brings it up. All I can think of is she is trying to prepare her daughter for the worst, or she thinks she is being sympathetic to me.

Anyway, thanks for the replies - I'll let the thread know how I get on.

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 08/09/2013 16:56

You don't seem remotely flippant. It's your life, and you will always know the situation better than anyone else. Would your wife's phrasing maybe mean "please don't" then? Rather like we say "with all due respect" when we mean "you're talking utter rubbish", but other countries think we're being terribly polite?

Frankly, we read so many stories of bloody horrible partners that it's lovely to see one so concerned and respectful of his wife. And if you knew that definitely that you didn't want to, fair play to you for not fobbing your previous wife off with "maybe one days" until she lost her own chance for kids.

TVTonight · 08/09/2013 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BadLad · 08/09/2013 16:51

FSG, I think the fear is indeed genuine. MiL was astonished when DW introduced me as her boyfriend, and flabberghasted when we said we were getting married. DW was in her early forties and MiL is rather stuck in the 1950s here, which are decades behind the UK, and honestly couldn't understand why I wanted to marry her daughter.

DW warned me that this would be the case - she would be delighted, but disbelieving.

They get on well for the most part, and she is extremely nice to me. I just wish she'd shut it about our having kids, or not.

No, she doesn't know about my previous marriage - DW doesn't want her to know.

OP posts:

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thecatfromjapan · 08/09/2013 16:47

I get the impression that you are following your wife's lead in not saying anything?

I think relationships like this are a minefield. My dh has a tricky relationship with his parents, and I know that if I waded in and defended him (on the various occasions where something grim has occurred), he wouldn't thank me.

That said, there have been times when I've been directly involved in the awful stuff - and it's just impossible: you can't stay quiet because it's involving you, but it's also about them and they often don't want you to say anything.

You could try to aim for a very neutral conversation with your mil explaining your position, again. Pitch it as a Beginner's Guide to Another Worldview Concerning the Having of Children. I doubt you'll get anywhere, but it might make you feel less complicit.

Good luck.

LynetteScavo · 08/09/2013 16:46

I have actually got divorced over differing opinions about children.

Does your MIL know this?

LynetteScavo · 08/09/2013 16:44

I would definitely say something!

I would be very hurt if my in laws suggested I would eventually leave my DH.

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