I made a terrible mistake with my life

[namevchange]

I have name changed for this, so if you recognise some of the details, please don't say who I am.

Two and a half years ago I met my now dh on a night out.

I was already married and had been for 11 years, since I was 19. We had one ds who was 8 when I met my now husband.

My ex and I were living separate lives. We hadn't had sex for seven years and had major issues with his family. He worked abroad and slept with prostitutes while away, went to strip clubs all the time. This I knew as I had to produce these receipts for strip clubs to our accountant when he was elf employed. It was humiliating.

I was so lonely. I have never had many friends but the few I did thought everything was rosey and that we were happily married. It was an awful sham, he made me feel worthless every day. Called me stupid as I don't have much of an education (I was so badly bullied that I left school as soon as I could after a suicide attempt at 15 as I couldn't take it anymore). He took every opportunity to make me feel worthless and talk down to me. I was so frightened to leave as without him I would have had nothing. He controlled all the money. He bought everything - I didn't even have a purse for our entire marriage, there was no point.

When I met dh I wanted to escape. Dh was the first man I had even spoken to in years. Six months after we met, me and dd moved in with him.

He was a mature student at the time but studying a degree in media that I knew wouldn't lead anywhere (a few of my friends have the same degree, they all retrained and none of them could ever use it). He was in his last year and I supported him. I soon realised I had jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. He's younger than me. One night he was telling me about a night out with a friend the weekend prior to us moving in together where they went to a strip club. I felt like my head was exploding after what I went through with ex h. Then I found out he had a porn addiction since he was 15.

Hes stopped watching porn. He used to drink a lot but only drinks once a month now.

I don't know what the point of my post is really. Only that I saw my old house for sale on right move. I loved it. It was my dream home. I walked away from it to be with dh and everyday I curse myself.

My life with ex was shit, but this is worse. I have lived with dh for two years and I have cried everyday.

Dd is happy though. Dh is good stepdad to her. He is good to me too, but he's so feckless. Today he announced he wants to leave his job and try and get a job doing something he likes, which he isn't qualified in, it's just a hobby. He hasn't a chance in hell of getting a job doing it, you need a relevent degree.

He won't listen and accuses me of holding him back.

We rent a shithole, we have nothing. I have no security. I am frightened for my future.

He puts his parents feelings before mine.

I feel like I am waking up from a nightmare. I threw away everything for this.

Oh, and I am pregnant.

[Snog]

OP look forward not back.
You can try and make a go of things with your dh who has good things going for him and treats you and dd generally well from the sound of it.
Or you can leave your dh and go it alone - your dh will not get sole custody of your dd if you do this.
You have retrained which is great, what job is it that you want to get?

Being upset about the sale of a house you loved is very understandable. But it wasn't worth staying in an abusive relationship for, surely?
Deciding that if your dh loved you he would have moved into your old house is unfair to your dh and wouldn't have been a great way to start a new relationship, surely?

I have given up a huge amount of money not to be controlled - in my case by my parents. It is absolutely worth it. Do you really want to go back to your ex?

[ageofgrandillusion]

Sirraymond - erm, yes my comment was for real. Am i missing some part of this story?

[TheNorthWitch]

A reference for volunteering could be from an ex boss/supervisor from some time ago, friend or some professional person - who knows you e.g. a minister or teacher/nursery group leader. Is there anyone like that? If not try volunteering for a smaller organisation that does not bring you into contact with children and has less need for references and then move on from that. Try and think longer term and focus on building your references up bit by bit.

[SirRaymondClench]

AOG I think you're missing some compassion for a start. OP says she is utterly miserable with this guy and feels like she has gone from the frying pan into the fire. And you're 'advice' was she has made her bed so lie in it?? Why should she have to do anything of the sort?

[ageofgrandillusion]

Because sirray, i actually think that there has to be an element of personal responsibility in all of us. If the OP is so utterly miserable with this guy why is she still sleeping with him, why is she pregnent to him? It's ludicrous. Maybe im looking at things differently to others but if i was really not into somebody i wouldnt be sleeping with them and potentially starting a family with them. Plus, reading between the lines, he actually doest sound like that bad a bloke.

[aurynne]

"No, you are absolutely not stupid OP. Not a chance."

I wonder if you had said the same about a guy who leaves his wife and moves with their DD into their lover's house after a 6-month affair.

Double-standards much?

[TakeItAsRed]

OP. I thpought long and hard about whether to reply, as you may not like what I have to say, but I want you to know that I am not being hard or dismissive...I am replying because your posts made me care, and this is the advice I would give to my own daughters. Please bear that in mind as you read.

Firstly - are you sure that you do not have ante-natal depression, which is making everything look black? I am not saying this is the case, but be sure, before you rule it out.
If you can confidently exclude it then .....

There isn't a person in the world that hasn't made mistakes. It happens. Everyone is human. We all screw up.
What matters is how we handle the fall out.
Equally, everyone has the right to feel sorry for themselves, to cry and feel just miserable.
For a day or two!
Then you have to get up out of the corner, and start to solve the situation.

And that's what you have to do, OP. You have to sort out your life now, before the baby arrives in the world.
Sit down. And make a plan.
If you want to see if anything is salvageable from this marriage then go to Relate. If it is past that point, then think about an exit strategy. Take each point you outline, and think around it, for alternatives. Look for potential. Start using the brain that you very clearly have, to build a plan for your future.

The first marriage was not good. This marriage isn't good. It does not mean that the rest of your life cannot be good, but the means to achieve that lie with you.

[HollaAtMeBaby]

Do you definitely want to have the baby?

[Wellwobbly]

auryanne, what a ridiculous thing to say.

You are CONFLATING someone's mistake in leaving education/being emotionally abused by being called 'stupid', with

cheating???????

I was reassuring the OP that because she left school at 15 DOES NOT MEAN she is stupid, and that a man calling her stupid in order to demean and control her was wrong/not true. How can you possible confuse these two issues.

Fucking people you are not married to whilst married is always, perpetually, eternally and stupidly cruel. The only conflation in these two examples is the cruelty.

[Fraxinus]

Hi op,

Just something practical with regards to references.

Volunteering is an excellent way of getting experience, and many voluntary organisations accept references from friends. You say you have no friends, though. You have also been in an abusive relationship.

CAni suggest going to a support group for victims of abuse? You may find it possible to open up and make friends there, if you have found it hard to make friends while you are in a difficult relationship. You may find that the facilitator will be prepared to referee.

When you say you supported your student partner does that mean you worked or what? Just if you have a previous employer even if it was a few years ago, they could referee.

All this is stuff you can be doing to piece together a better life for you and your children later on.

Hope you find your way.

[Wellwobbly]

Sorry auryanne, I take that back. Went back and checked the original story more closely, I did miss that so thanks for pointing this out...

So my original point stands about education, but regarding OPs actions, well, it just goes to prove how stupid a solution having an affair is. What does Subotnik say? Cheating is a maladjusted response to stressors...

Now OP needs to deal with what she should have dealt with in the beginning.

[WhiteandGreen]

ageofgrandillusion I'm assuming you're bitter because you've been on the wrong end of an affair and want to spread some of the hurt about?

[skyeskyeskye]

Is there a Sure Start Children's Centre near you? They are always desperate for volunteers and quite often offer courses in numeracy and literacy so you could get a. C&G qualification which is equal to GCSE grade C. It just brushed up your skills.

Also they need volunteers to help out at groups and things.

If you have one, please give them a try.

[Leavenheath]

I'm uncomfortable with these posts about the OP's current husband being 'not that bad' or 'better than the first husband'.

What's that thing Mumsnetters always say? A man who's a Grade B wanker and isn't as bad as the ex Grade A wanker...is nevertheless a wanker?

So you're saying OP that your current husband shouts a lot, is immature, is talking of giving up a job when it's your only source of family income for the foreseeable future, doesn't see any problem with the sex industry and his consumption of it, puts his parents' feelings before you and accuses you of holding him back.

There's also the matter of the 15-year porn addiction. I suppose it's possible he's given that up, but I'd be very dubious and would also be wondering how you can prove that?

Then there's how you got together and what that says about him. It really is never a good idea to rush headlong into another relationship in order to exit an abusive one and men who actually care about a woman in this situation understand that, don't put any pressure on her to enter a sexual relationship and like to take things slowly until she's ready to take a chance on a new relationship. Instead, this one moved you into his house within 6 months and failed to support you in hanging on to your joint assets.

The thing is, you don't have to be with any man. If you've cried every day for the 2 years you've been with this one, he really isn't right for you.

You were right to leave your first husband, but that doesn't mean you've got to put up with a replacement who's still bad, but not quite as awful.

[MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour]

I think you need to take the financial situation out of how you feel about things, it's unfair to blame your DH for the situation you're in now when you don't work- if you are worried about money and lack of security then that is as much your problem as his

But other than that if you are unhappy you can change things, you don't have to stay just because of decisions you made in the past. Maybe you'd be happier on your own for a while figuring out what you want from life- jumping from one relationship to another can confuse things and time alone may give some clarity

[WhiteandGreen]

I don't think the OP is blaming other people, especially. I think some of you are being mean frankly, with no good reason.

[LolaCrayola]

I think you have been relying too heavily on others. You say your first husband was controlling financially, but what was stopping you from being financially independent? And now? Do you work? Why are you so reliant on your husband?
I don't mean to make everything sound so black and white, but there are alternatives to just 'making do' and being reliant on others.

[FrameyMcFrame]

So do you have to have a man in your life? Why not strike out on your own, earn your own money to buy your dream house, if that's what you want? You can't expect other people to provide stuff for you.

I don't really understand the part of your op where you say your ex will get DD if you leave the current boyfriend.

[filee777]

While you are pregnant I would suggest finding an open uni course to do or some sort of retraining, then when baby is older go to uni or do something else that will give you some standing in finding yourself a job that you enjoy.

After that you may well find you have enough money to move and commute into the city, or you could find a good job in the city.

I don't think you should be telling your husband not to do the career he cares about and wants to do, if you have no intention of working.

[MorrisZapp]

You need to ditch both of these men from your life, and also ditch any ideas you have of needing to be in a relationship.

We all make mistakes, or take ill judged actions. But it's never too late to make things much better for yourself. You have a long life ahead of you, how would you like to spend it?

[GetYourSocksOff]

The fact is, none of us know OP's DH.

OP, you mention that you have been so unhappy that you have cried every day for 2 years, but you also mention some good points about your DH. The first thing which came to my mind when I read your post was the impact of pregnancy hormones - it's fairly common for women to feel ready to leave their husband just before they find out that they're pregnant and generally want to murder him throughout in the early days of pregnancy. Could this be part of it do you think?

Either way, I wouldn't make any permanent decisions about your DH just yet. I would think carefully about how you feel about your pregnancy first and as others have said, begin to plan baby steps towards making a better life for yourself.

Things will feel overwhelming right now. But you can change direction, you DO have choices. Even if you have to take a few years to get to where you want to be.

[Annabelllll]

AOG - very nasty first post.
Dear OP - dont pay attention.

Darling, u were right to leave your ex husband - he doesnt sound good and u were NOT happy!
Current husband sounds much better however its up to u if u want to stay with him.

Go to jobcentre - and get JSA or something like that.
Keep looking for vouluntary work - u will find one.
Have a look at Open University. Part time study with financial support. U could look for now for some sales assistant job. Or support worker in health and social care sector.

Reach out to people. Go to the park. Go to baby groups. Childrens centres. Get out there.

U can either give birth or have an abortion. Its up to u.

Its never too late for anything and u r young.