DH hiding alcohol.

[MrsPennyapple]

I am not overly happy with the amount the DH drinks, but he never drinks before 9-10pm, doesn't get drunk, it's not causing financial problems, doesn't normally cause him to avoid his responsibilities in any other areas, and doesn't really impact anything other than his waistline, so I've been of the opinion that he's a grown up and can do what he likes.

However, I've suspected for a while that he has been hiding booze, and have had this confirmed today, and that is what makes this an issue. His booze is normally tucked out of the way, but I wasn't sure if it was deliberately hidden - suspected it was, but couldn't be sure. I don't monitor it in detail, but I do tend to check what's there a couple of times a week, to get a rough idea of how much he's getting through. Today I decided to check, and there was nothing, meaning that the whisky that was there at the weekend has been finished.

So when I saw that the "hiding place" was empty, I wondered where the bottle was. I checked the glass recycling, and it wasn't there, he has put it in the main rubbish and taken the bag out. This is what confirmed to me that he is deliberately hiding it - normally he is terrible at putting rubbish in the bin, and even worse at putting glass in the recycling. Normally it would stay on the worktop for weeks until I put it with the recycling myself. I don't think it's a coincidence that the only time he can remember to clear up after himself is when it's booze bottles. I did wonder why he'd suddenly become capable of taking the rubbish out to the bin, I thought he was just being extra helpful because DC2 has just been born - which is what he will tell me when I ask, I'm sure.

Another important factor is that this has happened before. DC2 is 3 weeks old. When I was pg with DC1, 2 weeks before due date, I suggested that it would be best if he didn't drink, so that he'd be ok to take me to hospital if I went into labour. He agreed, but I found hidden booze, and when I asked him he admitted he'd been drinking it after I went to bed, despite having agreed to stay sober.

I told him in no uncertain terms that his drinking, whilst more than I'd like, wasn't a problem in itself, but when someone starts hiding booze, that is a big problem and needs to be addressed. He apologised, admitted he'd been stupid, and said it wouldn't happen again.

Fast forward to a week or so before DC2's due date. I didn't seriously think we needed to have the same conversation again, but on one particular evening, consumed enough to put him over the limit (although not hiding it). I was upset, and told him I wanted him to stay sober - completely, no booze at all, if he was potentially going to be driving me at speed, at night, to the hospital. (Rural, so not main roads and not well lit, and often very localised weather conditions.)

To reiterate, I don't have a problem with him drinking, just with him hiding it. Our relationship is otherwise good, but the problems in the past have led to a certain amount of distrust when it comes to alcohol. The only reason I have gone looking for evidence, rather than talk to him straight away, was to establish whether or not it was deliberately hidden, and now that I know it is, I will talk to him. I just don't want to approach it in the wrong way, and get his defenses up, or make this into a bigger problem than it needs to be. Anyone been in this position?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would talk to Al-anon as well in your circumstances and at the very least read their literature.

[MrsPennyapple]

You have no idea what my children have seen and heard.

I'm not actually sure if there is any point replying, as posters seem unable to believe what I'm posting, and prefer to believe he's blind drunk from dawn til dusk.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I am not in your house I grant you but I have seen much drunkenness and a parent being worried about their spouses drinking. It affects the children markedly. My main concern is actually for them, they see and hear far more than parents realise.

I do not believe that he is rolling drunk from dawn to dusk but he certainly has a high level of tolerance to alcohol and is drinking in secret. You have a long and difficult road ahead of you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

They always say sorry and it will never happen again.

It does though.

[Lweji]

We don't think he's drunk and do believe you.

We don't believe him.
And neither should you.

If it was that simple he'd have dropped it when you were having the baby.

All you can do is be alert to any lies on his part and decide to stay or not to stay.
Most addicts don't give up until they have reached their rock bottom.
Just be aware.

[Lweji]

I have the impression that those partners who managed to stop or cut back because they had the talk used to drink socially and never hid it.

Hiding is a red flag here that it is a problem.
and I'm not sure you're aware of how serious it is already.

[Boomba]

I also believe what you are posting and don't think he is blind drunk all day. I don't believe him

we are all posting from a perspective of having been where you are now, and having known many many people who have been in your position. And i dare say, most would or have reacted, as you are doing to the advice you are being given. But we still need to give it, you can come back to it if/when you are ready

alcoholism would not be the problem it is, if you could stop it dead with a stern word

[Boomba]

Being drunk when he is supposed to be driving you to hospital when you go into labour, is very much putting you and your children at risk. I think you have minimised the seriousness of that

[Boomba]

This is the 3rd time you've had the talk with him

what are you going to do if he drinks more than his allowance/starts hiding bottles again?

[VoiceOfRaisin]

Well done OP. It sounds like you have a good plan of action. Your DH's drinking doesn't sound too different from an awfully large part of the population and he is cutting down. Result.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Is he really cutting down?. My guess fwiw is that he is badly underestimating how much he is drinking and his wife certainly is not aware even though she tries to police it all (that way madness lies). Enabling only gives the OP a false sense of control hence the policing of drink being a waste of effort and time.

I do not think a larger part of the drinking population is actually hiding bottles either. OP is onto a losing battle here with her DH if he is an alcoholic because only he can break this cycle of abusing alcohol. She cannot by talking or making bargains (which get broken because they are seen by the alcoholic as unreasonable).

[MrsPennyapple]

Ok, to clarify a few things: Yes, he did drink when I'd asked him to stay sober to drive me to the hospital if I went into labour. I pulled him up on it, he stopped. I know it's far from ideal, and when we had our talk yesterday I reminded him of this, and why that indicates that he has a problem. He agreed.

In the last eight months or so, I've been on a decluttering mission. Whilst DH has been at work I have been rummaging in all sorts of cupboards and pulling out all sorts of forgotten bits and pieces. I haven't known myself which random cupboard I was going to choose on a given day, nor even what days I'd take it into my head to do some decluttering. My point is, if he had hidden booze around the house, I am sure I would have come across some. I honestly think the "hiding place" he was using is the only place he has stored any booze.

I also believe that he only drinks after about 9pm. It is true that I don't spend every moment with him, but I spend considerably more time with him than any of you, so I'm not sure how anyone is so certain he's drinking all the time.

Please believe me, I am very well aware of where this could lead - but HE'S NOT AT THAT STAGE RIGHT NOW. Does no one think there are degrees of seriousness? I know - and told him last night - that it is a slippery slope he's on, but it is not too late for HIM to address the problem and stop it getting any worse.

I have no intention of policing him / his drinking. I also do not think for one moment that it's all sorted out now and we'll live happily ever after. He admits he drinks too much, and that sometimes it gets out of hand, and that sometimes he needs that nudge from me to rein it in a bit. (Sometimes he doesn't need a nudge, and does it of his own accord.) I did tell him I don't want to be having this conversation again in six months / a year, but I'm under no illusions, I know his consumption may increase again in the future, but as it stands, I'd rather support him in his efforts to keep it at a reasonable level, rather than scrap my marriage at this stage.

[VengefulCrumpet]

Hi MrsPennyapple

I am the child of an alcoholic father. He was a VERY successful man, in fact he was the MD of a multinational company whilst at home he was hiding bottles. What I'm trying to say is that just because he has never missed work and never has a hangover doesn't mean he isn't an alcoholic.

Obviously I don't know him, but hiding bottles is a bad sign. To me, it means that the alcohol is the most important thing to him. And even if you say he shouldn't be drinking so much, he will do so any way.

With my family, my DF's drinking slowly tore us apart. I used to find bottles all over the place. He would clearly drink litres and litres of spirits. I had no idea how his body handled that amount of drink but he still seemed to hold everything together.

I never went to alanon, may be I should have done. In the end it took my DF losing everything and getting bowl cancer for the drinking to be modified in any sense. He still drinks, but can now only drink beer as his body can't take spirits.

I am not trying to tell you your DH is an alcoholic. I am simply trying to warn you of what could happen. I am also backing up another pp in that children see MUCH more than you realise.

I hope it all turns out ok for you. Good luck.

[MrsPennyapple]

I don't know Boomba, but I did tell him last night that he is risking his family by behaving in this way.

Attila We only had the chat last night, so we'll have to wait and see. I did not offer any bargains, reasonable or otherwise. I asked him to suggest a reasonable, manageable limit, and he did.

I don't think that alcohol problems are ever 100% "solved", it is something that he will probably always have to work on.

[waikikamookau]

however much or little he drinks, The one thing you must do, is look after yourself and your children,
Don't look for evidence. it will tear you up. It is Unnecessary to look.

it wont solve anything. it will just make you anxious.

[waikikamookau]

not looking for evidence/bottles is Al Anon advice for partners, families btw, not something I made up myself

[Boomba]

No one is telling you to scrap your marriage

we are telling you to focus on yourself and not to be involved in 'helping' your dh to control his drinking

what are you going to do if he drinks more than his allowance?

you'd be surprised at how good people can be at hiding bottles.. Under floorboards, up chimneys, in the loft, buried in the garden, in the car, toilet cistern

[Boomba]

X posted

its very important you think about what you will do if his drinking escalates

you are right, alcoholics are always alcoholic. Sobriety is a life long commitment

[tribpot]

Would he consider an alcohol-free month? I often suggest this to people who mention to me they are concerned about their drinking, but are at the stage of looking for good strategies to cut down rather than being blue-lighted into the Priory.

What I like about an alcohol-free month (although in fairness all months are alcohol-free for me now!):

• it's a manageable period of time. Not forever, but not a token gesture either.
  
• it's long enough for you (or rather the drinker) to examine pretty carefully what the triggers are. I had some weird ones after I stopped drinking, like when I first got off the bus to come home - I wasn't even well enough to be back at work but my brain associated getting off the bus with end of work with wine o'clock. Everyone can benefit from being more mindful about their drinking and this gives you a chance to identify those triggers and ensure you don't act on them without thinking.
  
• it's long enough to feel the benefits of not drinking at all. Whilst he probably think he feels fine, it's more likely his drinking is creating a steady 'background noise' and he will notice its absence when it's removed.
  
• it's long enough to look for alternatives to alcohol in the evenings. Again, a lot of drinking at the lower end of the spectrum is habit and routine. Non-sweet alternatives can take a while to find - ginger beer is a good one, and herbal tea.
  
• it challenges the idea that even moderate drinking all year round is a normal part of life. There are alternatives.
  

I would still suggest he reads the book I recommended, and you the companion one.

[Boomba]

Read back through your posts. You need some clarity

you contradict yourself alot.

you say its not the amount but the secrecy, but there is now a limit on what he will drink

you say you haven't offered bargains/ultimatums/blackmail...but you tell him in no uncertain terms that he is risking his family if his drinking continues

you've had this talk with him twice before and you believe it was successful as he cut back/stopped drinking. But here you are talking to him about his drinking for a third time. Are you happy for the cycle to continue like that?

[Bowlersarm]

we are telling you to focus on yourself and not to be involved in 'helping' your DH to control his drinking

My DH helped me to control my drinking. I don't see any reason why she shouldn't be involved in this aspect of her marriage.

She knows it may not end the way she wishes. But is prepared to give it a try.

OP, I feel like I'm bashing my head against a brick wall here. Other posters are determined he is an alcoholic, are saying he will moderate his drinking but the minute your back has turned he will be back to his sneaky ways.

This may happen which is why you won't be thinking 'well that's that sorted, I can relax'. And it may be harder for him than he would care to admit.

But I am an example of a success story, if you like. As is our neighbour and friend. And DH's work colleague.

I'm not saying alcoholism doesn't break up families. It clearly does. And yes you should be putting yourself first, and looking after yourself and DC as a number one priority. Your DH is a grown up and should be looking after himself.

But if he is committed to your marriage, he may just be committed to the drinking aspect of it as well, and be able to moderate.

People are laughing at me, or at least dismissing what i say, when I say drinking in moderation is possible even after someone has consumed as much as your DH.

It seems politically incorrect on here to think that someone would be able to reform just because their DW wants them to. It can, and does happen. It depends on the reaction of your DH now.

OP I wish you luck. It might be easy. It might not. It might not work, and your DH is an alcoholic and nothing will change him. In which case you need to reappraise the situation, and fast.

But you need to see if he can stick to the agree limit in the first place. Yes it shouldn't be your responsibility to keep him in line, but marriage is quite often about needing support at times in the relationship.

[Bowlersarm]

Just read Tribpot post after cross posting, and that's an excellent idea, one I had forgotten I did.

The abstinence for a month can break the habit if indeed it is a habit, not a deep rooted problem.

[Lweji]

My DH helped me to control my drinking.

I'm curious.
Did you think you had a problem?
Did he help you or force you to control it?
Did you consistently lie to him about how much you were drinking?

[Bowlersarm]

I thought I had a problem.
We had a frank discussion over a weekend after it (the drinking) had escalated.
Yes.

[Lweji]

It seems politically incorrect on here to think that someone would be able to reform just because their DW wants them to. It can, and does happen. It depends on the reaction of your DH now.

Well, yes, it depends on the reaction of the husband now.
Because nobody is reformed because their OH wants them to.
They have to want it themselves. Even if just not to lose that OH.

But in all likelihood this man thinks that he, again, can just continue doing it without his partner realising. Because he is a liar.