how can i stop DH from airing our dirty laundry?

[thefatandthefurious]

That, really.

When arguments between us happen (as they do in a marriage) DH gets some weird validation from involving other people. If there are people around anyway, he asks what they think and gives them a one-sided view.

Dinners with friends are littered with comments like "oh, well that's what thefatandthefursious could spend her time doing if she wasn't busy being so insecure...." Or in a conversation while out to dinner with his business colleagues talking about data security, "Well thefatandthefurious read my texts messages once and saw something from an ex and whipped it into a froth. Spoiled a perfectly nice evening, as usual."

Obviously if I then fight back when he does this we look like some jaded couple who always takes swipes at each other, so I hold back and laugh it off and pretend it's not big deal, although I'm seething inside about how he's misrepresented me to other people.

When there is no one around he will call his mother, present a really one-sided view of a discussion we're having and then tell her to hold and say to me "my mother thinks you are overreacting."

Is there a word for someone like this?

[CharlieAlphaKiloEcho]

I don't think I could put up with this OP.

I had a partner that did similar but not quite so bad and I used to raise an eyebrow and ask " Is that really how it happened DP.....?" completely calm and looking straight at him.

He would fluster some "of course" and I'd just say "hmmm ok then" and move on to something else.

It showed the people we were with that I wasn't backing his version of the story but wasn't too confrontational.

He did stop it for the most part. Or at least he stopped doing it in front of me anyway.

[Grumpla]

Awesome response Pagwatch.

OP, your friends are inwardly CRINGING on your behalf. Nobody is going to think badly of you for standing up for yourself except his mum and for many of them it will be a relief not to have to smile and ignore any longer.

[Dilidali]

The problem is that you laugh/ignore his behaviour, OP. basically, you're enabling him to behave like that.

No, you just turn around and put him in his place sharpish. No need to handle the situation tarring with the same brush, no need to be rude and embarrass your friends/family.

He's put you down for so long, you probably wouldn't know where to start. So make a start today.

Something along the lines of: this is innapropriate, I'd like you to stop. End of discussion.

[Pagwatch]

Yes, I have to say I agree.
You are trying to avoid a scene and probably just trying to get the moment to end but your hand waving shtick is actually no less embaressing and he is feeling totally comfortable about continuing.

You are avoiding the arguing couple scenario but you are not minimising how cringy it is - I know a guy who talks about his wife like that and it's awful.
The last time he did it I said "see you are talking to me and looking at me but you don't really want a conversation , you are just being rude about L. Do you not just discuss this with her in private like an adult would. Does anyone want coffee...."
I would never normally be rude like that but I love her and he has done it often enough for me to have said that in my head several times before I said it out loud.

What have you got to lose by saying "Jesus DH, why do you do this all the time. It's so embaressing. Everyone knows you are just using this to take snide digs at me because you think it's too awkward for me to defend myself. You are lying,you are being incredibly rude and everyone here, including me wishes you would just shut up"

[Dearjackie]

My EA fiancée used to do this. If we had an disagreement it always turned into an argument. He has been known to ring my daughter when we split to give his side of the story and run me down. He always tried to ring his mum or sister as back up and he has rung my sister and given her a sob story in the past

The worst time was the last time when we eventually split and he rang his sister, had her on loudspeaker and told her some awful things about me, or rather his side of the story. He also had a habit of making me the butt of his 'jokes' with shop assistants and when we were out. He tried to make out he was having a laugh yeh sure but at my expense!

[perfectstorm]

Sorry, but I'd see this as controlling, undermining and altogether emotionally abusive. And it isn't telling a story from a different perspective when he is outright lying to make you look ridiculous or crazy, either.

I'm wondering if you have kids. And if so, if he does this to them? Or will do, when they become old enough to threaten his self-image?

[saffronwblue]

He is being really really hostile. Even though you smile and try to laugh it off, the audience will be thinking poor the fatandfurious. He is counting on your social skills not to escalate it into the screaming row he deserves.

I would say to him - nicely- before you go somewhere that if he misrepresents you or uses your relationship as social fodder you will be leaving without him and he need not return home.

Clutching at straws - does he think that it represents Noel Cowardesque witty banter between you and is entertaining for your friends?

[JustinBsMum]

I agree with Tortington's response. If he does it again at dinner just say 'you are talking bollocks DH' or similar and walk out ensuring that you have the car keys.
He def will look the bigger idiot in front of the other guests and prob won't risk something like that again (though always ensure you have the car keys when out).

[CogDat]

Leave him. He can't communicate properly as an adult, and is a bully; he is mean. I cannot envisage such a man being able to ever change to be a good husband.

[MariaLuna]

I wouldn't put up with a man like this, I would have told him to fuck right off....

life is so much better without some fucker putting you down

[CogDat]

He is relying on you to be quiet to avoid a row in front of people. But he is willing to make them uncomfortable, he is willing to break those rules. He knows you wouldn't do that, he thinks it's ok for him to.

He is using this to dig at you and also to reinforce his message, the way things are to him, in a place where it can't be a discussion with you, only a lecture of his lies. Because he doesn't want to hear you. He doesn't care.

What a pathetic man.

[CogDat]

He sounds absolutely horrible. He is showing you no respect or care, and he isn't listening to you at all, it seems. Also, your friends and anyone else hearing all this must be so embarrassed at what an idiot he is being! Really, this attitude is painfully bad. I would not laugh it off. It isn't funny. Say so. Say he is a liar. Say when he upsets you. Don't accept this sort of treatment.

[OctopusPete8]

I would really kick off if my H did this, the second time I would have left him.

[ImperialBlether]

I'd just roll my eyes and say, "Oh for god's sake, you know damn well that's not what happened."

There's no way other people believe what he's saying. Who would believe you would, after accepting a proposal, beg him to allow you to name your first born by your fiance's father's name, ffs? What is he, Rumpelstiltskin?

[Mabelface]

I'd just say sweetly "Don't be a knob" and carry on talking

[Isetan]

He sounds a right charmer but why would you continue to put yourself in situations where he can exercise his pathological need to belittle and humiliate you? You must be the mistress of compartmentalisation because that level of toxicity is sure to poisonous.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

Agree with Tortingon that he is counting on you to bear with it - as you said yourself, he is not fazed by your hand flapping approach.

The fact is, you've both already lost your dignity if this is happening in front of others. So I would take the approach that there is absolutely nothing left to be lost by going ballistic. Frankly it sounds utterly nasty on his part, and he knows how you feel but still keeps doing it because he can, effectively, get away with it. So some Def Com One deterrent is needed. I think Tortington's 'go fuck yourself' and leaving is one good idea (and bolt the door when you get home). You definitely need to show him though that this can't be laughed off anymore and you are taking it seriously.

Can you ask certain friends if you can come alone to dinner next time? Then tell him that since he was so unpleasant and sniping last time you were there, you are going without him. Or decline any invitations to friends of his, assuming you're not bothered about them yourself, and say that you'd rather go somewhere else and not be picked and sniped at.

[Tortington]

my view is that he is absolutely COUNTING on you to just be quiet, laugh it off etc.

See my dh wouldn't do that, because - no matter who we were in front of i would tell him to go fuck himself - quite calmly, excuse myself to the guests, and leave.

you think by 'not rising to his level' you remain somehow in charge of all that is good and right

you are however only remained silenced,

If HE doesn't want you to make a scene, he should shut his fucking mouth.

remember...calmly say these things in front of others. saying ' go fuck yourself'quietly with a smile whilst calmly leaving has a much better impact

[Ragusa]

He sounds absolutely horrible to you, OP. Really. My SIL had a husband like this. She divorced him and is now a great deal happier. Anyone who does this sort of thing is not right in the head. Honestly :(

[katieconundrum]

Tell him to stop it. Now.

[Earthworms]

What a shit.

I think in the dinner party situation you would just have to pull him up on it like a wayward seven yr old

'Now dh, we have talked about telling lies haven't we'

But long term I'd have no respect left. And I couldn't bear to shag someone who had so little respect for me.

[thefatandthefurious]

He likes to tell his version of our relationship to people. It's almost like he genuinely believes what he says is the absolute, objective truth, even though there is/was another person there (ie me). Even the story of our engagement and our marriage and various things that have happened to us over the years he puts words into my mouth. Really significant words. Not just ad-libbing for the sake of the story.

Eg: after we got engaged when he recounted the story of the proposal to others he told them that my response had been to beg him if we could please call our first child his father's name and if we could please immediately move to his home country. What actually happened was that after proposing he told me that in the future he would like these things but we could discuss them down the line.

Now the story has done the rounds and it's like a done deal. I never asked these questions!

He is capable of makin me appear both angelic and insecure depending on what mood he is in.

What I fear if I do challenge him is looking like we are both mad. Making people think how can there be two such different versions of a story.

The worst one was a dinner with friends a few months ago when the friend's husband recounted a funny story in front of his wife where his wife had been annoyed with him for buying a bottle of champagne in a nightclub. DH's response was to tell the couple a story about how I had prevented him going to any nightclubs because I was so paranoid and insecure then when he once went I had cried when he returned and was "practically suicidal." The real story is that I was PMS and he had promised to come home early and didn't, didn't contact me and went to a nightclub.

[Inertia]

What he's doing isn't fair , and if you have asked him to stop and he won't then he is being an arse.

I don't think the bla bla hand thing helps your cause to be honest- it looks like you're coming down to his level by being dismissive but you are in need of a smarter comeback.

In company, I think I might say " X, your unnecessary comments are making everybody uncomfortable. If you have a problem with me , let's discuss it at home like adults".

When he rings his mum, you could go with the suggestion above and say you'll ring your dad so that you can both get a parent to sort your problems out.

You need to start being more dignified about it than him - eye rolling and blah hands are not really any more grown up sorry.

[VoiceOfRaisin]

"not heard" I meant

[VoiceOfRaisin]

His behaviour is not right as it is belittling for you and also makes your friends feel awkward, I guess.

Can you think why he might feel the need? Do you listen to him carefully when it is just the two of you? You say "when arguments between us happen". How often? Do you both talk rationally to one another or might DH feel heard? (just wondering). Not that that would be an excuse but it might be an explanation.