To be worried about sexual history

[NotDead]

Hello I am a man who has just started a relationship and there seems to be strong feelings but as things have gone on, there have been discussions about sexual history as you'd expect.

It feels like its been reasonably honest but something has been concerning me and I would like some perspectives.

Whilst we both seem to have been a little wayward, her stories seem to consist of a lot of 'I didn't intend to but he asked and I couldn't say no'. she has mentioned terminations and a couple of days ago said that one recent random shag was a heroin user.

I'm pretty broad-minded and ok with women seeking pleasure from sexual encounters but this seems a little unsettling - my 'randoms' have typically been with professional women or students.. not just anyone on the street.

Am I being prudish or snobbish to be nervous about a future here? Otherwise she seems very together and fun to be around. She seems to drink more regularly than I do -but no more than other female friends.

I guess if I am honest I am as much worried/jealous that she could seemingly accidentally fall into bed with someone risky whereas I seem to stay a little in control how ever I drink.

What do you think?

[AnyFucker]

I would say the same thing to a woman who displayed this kind of superior and lofty attitude towards "different" kinds of life experiences.

Walk away if you don't think someone is good enough for you because of their previous choices (I have done this). If you are worrying already that they will shag around whilst in a relationship with you, wtf would you go there in the first place.

Taking them on as a "project" you have to "fix" is at best ill-advised and at worst a perfect scenario for a controlling abuser, no matter what gender we are talking about

[HorryIsUpduffed]

"I didn't intend to but he asked and I couldn't say no" suggests someone who is sexually vulnerable. That's pretty unusual in a grown woman. It is absolutely not a healthy and normal attitude to sex. Which immediately makes me wonder where it comes from.

In my limited experience, when people have an abusive partner early on in their sexual life, it informs all their later relationships - as any early experience would, good or bad. We are all the product of our own experiences after all. That doesn't mean anything necessarily happened in that relationship that would get a black and white "abuse" or "rape" label, but maybe just that the preliminary behaviours would feel completely normal later on.

Whether she was raped or not is her business and irrelevant really. What matters is that she seems to have some of the same feelings and behaviours as some rape survivors.

She may just be naturally a bit slutty, of course. Some people just enjoy sex and aren't too fussy about who their partner is at the time. In that case OP is right to say "I don't want a relationship with that kind of person".

And on the other hand if she is psychologically damaged in some way, it's actually ok for him to say that's not something he can cope with either. At this point he doesn't owe her anything.

[Twinklestein]

I think that's true, and given that the OP says he thinks he could 'do better' it doesn't sound like he completely respects her, so perhaps they'd be better off as friends..

[ToddCranes]

I agree but then he should just walk away. There's no point making her feel worse. If he does not trust her and she is self destructive then this will not help with that.

[Twinklestein]

Todd*, I agree that she's not doing this to be an 'arsehole', but it's self destructive behaviour. And that in a male would have been pointed out more forcefully. I think a full STI screen would have been recommended (by me anyway) (I do anyway), I think posters would have pointed out that shagging someone who's got a drug problem is potentially exploitative, & I think posters would be quicker to make the assumption that he may cheat on her...

Anyway, that's all speculation. I do think the OP is justified in being concerned in lack of discrimination & boundaries in a partner. And alcohol consumption too.

[ToddCranes]

Of course he is allowed to be worried. That was said in the first few posts.

This is more whether he should be entering a relationship with this woman. There seem to be two differing view points on this thread but still the same conclusion, that these two people should probably not be together.

[SaggyOldClothCatPuss]

Sounds like she met a rapist fairly early on which skewed her ideas of consent and loving relationships. Her self esteem probably never recovered.
How on Earth can you know that?!
OP has concerns. If he was a woman posting he would get all kinds of help and support. He's a bloke, so? We are all entitled to be concerned. This person has a history of unprotected sex. Not all STDs are prevented by condom use. Just because the OP is male he doesn't get to be worried?

[Twinklestein]

just out of interest. . I will read up ! is the rape-survivor thing about the percieved consequences of saying no?

Or that no is worthless. Once you've had your bodily integrity ambushed you lose a sense of control over your own boundaries & it's harder to assert you will. You also may feel like forced sex is normal, there's no point fighting etc.

There are many aspects & many responses..

At the same time, her behaviour could be a choice rather than a consequence of past experiences...

[ToddCranes]

I don't. Not if it was explained in the same way. If he sounded like the woman in question then i would be sympathetic too. If he was just going round rogering people and leaving crying women in his wake then obviously that would be different, but this isn't the circumstances here.

She's not done any of this to be an arsehole.

[Twinklestein]

I don't think not being very discriminating means that she would cheat OP, but it does raise questions about her judgement. In a female, particularly, it's quite self-destructive behaviour, because of the risk of stis that threaten fertility, let alone the HIV risk of a heroin user.

Finding it hard to say no could be rape/abuse survivor mentality or it could be a weak will & lack of boundaries, I've seen both...

I agree with LazyJaney that the comments would be different if this was about a guy.

[HorryIsUpduffed]

It's partly about possible consequences but also rewriting history - if it's ok now it must have been ok then (for him not to wait for enthusiastic consent. Or minimising it as "just sex", so only as intimate/important as a cup of coffee and therefore not worth angsting about.

Or she doesn't value or understand her own sexuality. Or she thinks her wants and needs are less important than others'.

Or even that later men were nicer than the worst one, so they look like saints by comparison, even though to the rest of the world they look exploitative.

[ToddCranes]

My DH fell in love with me when if he had actually weighed up the pros and cons he should have ran a mile. This thread had actually made me appreciate him again!

He didn't read up on anything i had been through, or patronise me, he just thought i was worth the risk.

I thought at the time that he had saved me. He didn't, i saved myself, he just made me feel better about the world enough to want to try.

Also, just because you sleep with undesirables does not make you a cheater.

[Blindsarah]

Becoming fond of someone and falling in love is not all about logic, careful consideration of all aspects, and the weighing up of someone's character strengths and weaknesses.
You either begin to love them for themselves and because of who they are, because of what they do to your heart, because of what they make you feel, or you don't.
Your hardheaded, cautious and eminently sensible approach is utterly unromantic.

Have you also considered and assessed her financial background yet, what property she owns, and, importantly,what debts she may have accrued? And what about her family background and close relatives? What sort of class does she come from? Also, there are medical issues. For example has she ever had any mental health problems?

You are clearly too good for her and, really, you know this already. Look for more acceptable, potential material in the world of business, academia, health clubs, the arts and so on.
Unfortunately, you've somehow picked up from a dark place somewhere a rather heavy drinking wayward, out of control, and rather unsuitable female for what you are looking for.

You have far too many reservations to ever get carried away or truly fall in love with this type of woman. Get rid

[NotDead]

just out of interest. . I will read up ! is the rape-survivor thing about the percieved consequences of saying no?

[BasilBabyEater]

I agree with what Horryisupduffed says, feeling that you can't say no to sex is classic rape-survivor behaviour. Especially if you're still at the stage of not acknowledging that what happened to you, is rape.

I'm not saying that that's definitely the case here but I'd certainly bear it in mind and suggest that she needs a more empathetic partner than the OP sounds.

[NotDead]

so much for honesty and concernes being respected!

[OhDearNigel]

that I 'could do better'

You sound charming. Please finish this relationship because most she most certainly could do better than being in a relationship with someone who clearly holds her in contempt.

Go and find some nice professional woman. Cos they are always faithful and never sleep around

[YoniBottsBumgina]

You do know that professionals and students can be drug users and arseholes too, right?

[OhDearNigel]

Your girlfriend's sexual history is not poles apart from mine,including terminations and drug users.

I've never had any STDs and havent looked at another man in the 8 years i've been with Dh. People do change and settle down.

[NotDead]

ok I take that point and I agree with you that its not about stamping ideals.. but I do wonder at that advice coming from you - your posts clearly are all about stamping negatives onto male behaviours... which is either just straight bullying (likely) or at the most magnanimous a skewed way of expressing your ideals about male behaviour. You do know that you are raging at a constructed evil man don't you??

[AnyFucker]

I just have to read your posts, sunshine

"the size of the task" ? She isn't a project for you to stamp your ideals on

[NotDead]

and you made up the 'punishment' angle - you do know that right? I do think your jumping three steps foward into the darkest view of men possible is just psycho.. sorry love but it is.

[NotDead]

No I don't AF.. but I guess the reverse is 'he has told me he fucks anyone who shows him attention..recently he screwed a girl who was a junkie'

[NotDead]

Thanks Todd, I think perhaps I am, but am just feeling my way around the size of the task.

Others thanks for your opinions, its helping me work out what I feel

Re ArsenaltilIdie yes I have that fear - and one that I 'could do better' and a nervousness about any future family, but I also think that really in every rel. these days esp with people often choosing pleasure over grind thatthereiis always going to be this type of pressure. I guess previously it has always been there but not so overtly. In some ways I feel that its good that I am worried.i hate the idea of control..but I suppose I am agonising whether her giving the impression of no discernment is sort of a threat hanging over the rel?

[AnyFucker]

Me and my "nasties" eh ?

You have the nasty attitude. There are "good clean professional" women who seek their pleasure in a most fragrant way and there are "dirty shagging women" who open their legs to any lowlife

You have put your "girlfriend" in the 2nd category, and it sounds like you would gleefully punish her for it.

Scary stuff.