Tactless stepmother. How to handle ???

[plumpjuicyraspberry]

She isn't known for her tact. Her communications skills are rubbish especially by email and phone and she often says awful things. I don't think she means harm but some are awful. Example - when I had my dd2 - she said "oh what another girl?"

When I was going back to work after Dd1 reluctantly full time (bearing in mind she stopped work when pregnant and never returned ) she said - "oh that will be dreadful. You will never cope".

We are visiting soon and I'm not far off returning work after dd2. I am dreading the comments about my working pattern and childcare arrangements (by full time this time but still).

Im massively sensitive about this all. I'm dreading going back and any negative comments from anyone will be hard to take.

How do I handle this without being incredibly rude.

She really has no idea how lucky she was that my dad enabled her to stay at home with the kids.

[plumpjuicyraspberry]

So update

SM didn't say anything but visibly sucked in breath at me working 4d.

The highlight though was them not remembering how old dd2 is. Is she 5 months ? No she is fucking 9months.

Is it that hard to remember your grand children's birthday ? Is that unreasonable?

I feel like a very irrelevant member of the family

[plumpjuicyraspberry]

That's exactly what it's like it'sbeer !

I feel different already just reading the posts and your article.

He's just come home and instead of worrying what's he going to think of dinner/ state of house etc. I just don't really care. Feels liberating

Let's see how it goes !!

[itsBeer0cl0ck]

Sounds like he hasn't got the emotional intelligence to be able to support you! Even when he's 'advising you' what he really seems to want is your admiration? or your respect? "thank you for your superior wisdom, now, that's that sorted, let's get back to meeting your needs husband".

It's so painful to be in a relationship where you can't just chat about what's upsetting you. YOU work in this field, YOU can judge what tactics are appropriate, and yet he doesn't trust your judgement about the appropriateness of different methods of dealing with YOUR colleagues. And when you get upset that he doesn't respect your insider knowledge on that score, he gets cross with you!!!! I can see why he thinks that that is supportive, but really, it is worse than staring at a blank wall all evening trying to figure out on your own what the best way of dealing with things is!

[plumpjuicyraspberry]

Pomme- thanks

I will probably not see much of them til the Xmas period after the next visit so contact is limited.

That comment by your FiL re 1 d/ week at nursery is effing awful. for you.

[plumpjuicyraspberry]

It'sbeer.
Thanks so much for taking the time to post your story and the link.
I've read both and it's very interesting. It resonates so deeply in many ways.

As its already been said earlier in the thread, if feel more able to relate to this with my H than the SM.

She probably isn't being nice and I will respond very differently to her now (or will try to!). However I see her so infrequently that I can gloss over her.

Right from when she and my father married and had kids they always did everything as a group. It's like he needed defending. Whether that was his choice or hers I don't know. Probably hers. I have seen him alone but not much and via my request or engineering.

H however- I can really relate to this and how he behaves towards me.

I'm wondering if a shift in my response to him will make a big difference in our relationship. The point about having a supportive & loving relationship is bouncing around my head. He would say he is both those things but I don't feel supported or loved really. If I have a work issue- I can't just chat about it. He wants to tell me how to handle it and if I don't follow his advice he gets shirty. Quite often his advice isn't appropriate because his work environment is so different to mine. He doesn't get that. And when that upsets me, he's even more unpleasant.

Oh sorry for verbal D&V. It's good to articulate this stuff.

[pommedechocolat]

and FIL did the whole poor child at nursery thing with dd1 as well. She was 7 months and going to start 1 day a week. ONE DAY.

[pommedechocolat]

My MIL does the 'innocent but hurtful' thing ina ctions not words. it is SO hard to pull them up on it. Impossible in fact. Grr grr grr.

God when you have children families are so complicated.

I would limit contact to a minimum. Could you meet up just with your dad a lot of the time?

[plumpjuicyraspberry]

Thanks for your posts it'sbeer.

I will read in more detail when I've got double bath/bedtime out of the way and have my Friday night glass of something :)

Will come back after

[itsBeer0cl0ck]

ps, I hope I'm not overwhelming you with info here, but obviously, it was easier for me to really believe {inside} the mantra "what you think of me is none of my business" when I'd been away from my x for a while.

When I'd had space to think think about what I wanted, and sorry to be so LA here, referring to my psychotherapy again, but after I'd learnt to distinguish better between what I wanted, and what I felt other people wanted me to want (which were the same at one point, or very blurred, overlapped anyway) after I'd had the headspace to figure out some of that stuff it became easier to believe that what other toxic people might be thnking about me is none of my business!

When somebody else is draining you by being a grumpy critical arse, it's very difficult to 'grow'. You are a nervous wreck. You are anaesthetised. You can't 'grow'. You just operate on auto-pilot. Of course, from the other person/people's perspective, being a negative /grumpy / critical asshole can be a very effective stress-relieving coping mechanism !! so bully for them that they found such a great valve for their own insecurities and discontent.

Look after yourself. I have spent six years looking at articles on line to do with this kind of stuff and the site I linked to is a good one. I'm not encouraging you to label everybody in your life toxic! you don't have to. The point is not them. The point is YOU. and I think this site is a particularly good one that focuses not just on identifying these characters but how to deal with them!

[itsBeer0cl0ck]

here you go Raspberry!

Now, I'm not saying your stepmum is 'toxic' but that's not the point here really. If the dynamic between the pair of you (and for that matter the dynamic between you and any other critical person is upsetting you, then this page will help you to under react. Which seems like being a doormat at first. It did to me. but smile through it and then watch as they feel powerless that they can no longer get a rise out of you. That their words slide off you. That you are now so self-confident and content that you see through their attempt to cut you down to size.

x

[itsBeer0cl0ck]

plumpjuicyraspberry well, changing the way I reacted to these types of negative &/or toxic / draining people didn't happen the moment I left my x unfortunately. I knew when I left him that I'd had enough of him and would never again tolerate a romantic relationship that wasn't loving and supportive, but I wasn't watching out to see that I didn't accidentally repeat that pattern with another person. Not even a friend as it happens, but there was somebody in my life who would regularly criticise me with a smile on his face. It's hard to explain really.

Anyway, I had psychotherapy along the way. funnily enough, one of the things that made me cut off this person was when he said to me that my therapy hadn't worked. How he thought he was equipped to be the judge of something like that I don't know. But I realised there was a lesson I wasn't learning. What is the lesson I need to learn here? And I answered myself differently finally. Instead of telling myself to 'show him!' with a clever answer, my inner voice told me to just drop the rope and walk away. metaphorically, physically, literally. It depends who in your life the person is. For me it was easy. All I've had to put up with is emails trying to re-establish some sort of contact.

I must be a bit thick though. I didn't notice that I reacted around this man in a similar way to how I reacted to my x's drama baits and criticisms. I left my x, and I was free, and yet somehow I 'attracted' through my own defensive personality, a similar dynamic , although luckily the relationship was a peripheral one in my life. I hope that this makes sense!

So, how did I change my reaction? Well, I guess I finally finally finally just GOT it. I had a eureka moment. I stopped trying to prove myself to other people. I developed a thicker skin and really truly started to believe that mantra "what you think of me is none of my business!". It's an on going thing, I remind myself still occasionally 'what you think of me is none of my business!". The psychotherapy did help enormously though. I didn't even see it at the time. It was only in the year after the psychotherapy when life had gradually thrown various curve balls at me and I saw with hindsight that I had the power to under react if you see what I mean. I saw that sometimes, racing to defend yourself only feeds another person's entitled belief that you need their approval.

Let me link a page that REALLY dotted the eyes and crossed the tees for me. I was already 50% there when I found this page, and then I read this page twenty times a day for about a month. It was no chore to keep reading it. I found I was drawn back to it. I still have it stored on my favourites bar!!

[plumpjuicyraspberry]

Think the angle she was coming from about work was poor children left at nursery

[ImperialBlether]

With my MIL I just said, "But we'd lose our house if I stopped work."

Mentioning she's a different generation is a good idea, too. "I know in your day women stopped work, but it's different now..."

[Pootles2010]

I'd be tempted to be rude back tbh. For example if she says you wouldn't be able to cope - 'Why on earth not? What sort of a silly sap couldn't cope with that?!' Sort of a thing, even if thats not what you're feeling! Just to fire it back at her.

But then I'm an argumentative cow.

[mistlethrush]

re the returning to work...

"Yes, you were SO LUCKY that a lot of your generation didn't have to go out to work to make ends meet" might be a possibility?

[plumpjuicyraspberry]

The oh not another girl comment was made on the phone to me one hour after birth. I wasn't really ready for well thought out replies.

Thinking about it. She did the same at Christmas when dd2 was crying a lot wanting feeding. I went to feed her she said, "what again!!?"

It was awful. We were trying to host a lunch and dd2 wouldn't be put down. She just wanted feeding and cuddles. We actually haven't seen them since.

[ivykaty44]

I never really understand why if someone says something totally tackless why you can't be blunt and blunt with them

Oh goodness another girl?

.........Gosh what a silly thing to say

Goodness you will not cope

.........Goodness what a silly thing to say

Say something negative

goodness what a silly thing to say

goodness what a silly thing to say

goodness what a silly thing to say

It works for anything negative or you can swap silly for the word negative if it is better for you

That way you can think quickly and respond so she knows how you feel and that it is a negative comment to you. it is not rude, it is fact and it can be said with a smile

[plumpjuicyraspberry]

Itsbeer- you post is great and very valuable to me. I am v defensive of everything. I assume he will be cross of critical or laugh at what I do so I go out of my way to avoid that and if he does these things I'm grumpy and defensive.

How did you change your behaviour ?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I presume this woman is not known for her tact with other family members either. Your Dad is playing a role in this by being her enabler and likely defending her by saying, "well you know what she is like" etc.

I would keep any subsequent visits short and establish boundaries as to what is and is not acceptable from her. Call her on all gnarly comments each and every time. you do not need her approval not that she would ever freely give this anyway.

[itsBeer0cl0ck]

I found after I left my x I got locked into a cycle of defending myself to another very critical judgemental person. I guess other people would have shrugged internally and thought 'tosser' and forgotten about it, but I started to defend myself all the time, so he quite enjoyed that indignation in me that his drama-baits had provoked, and he threw more drama-baits in here and there.
I am telling you this because I think sometimes it is a certain personality type that can end up in these situations, "attracting" these criticisms, not because you deserve them, but because the person who dishes them out has (simultaneously) got a big ego whilst still needing the validation they get from you feeling the need to explain yourself, or defend yourself. so they are flawed, their ego is too big and they need to keep it inflated by receiving either your admiration, or, the drama of you defending yourself to them. As though you need their approval.
I hope I haven't offended you here. I had this pattern going with a few people and it took me a while to recognise it and start reacting differently.
I don't know enough about your situation to comment like this though, so apologies if i'm really wide of the mark! just something another poster said about the real problem being with your husband, I sort of copied and pasted in a back story here. HOpe i'm on the right track!

[Xenadog]

If she comments on you going back I would say: "Yes I need to go back to work as I don't want to rely on my DH. I also think that it is important that I set an example to the DC of being an independent woman." The I would change the subject to the weather or whatever.

[plumpjuicyraspberry]

Itsbeer,

I think I do that too. I find I get awfully shouty at people that i shouldn't. Worst is when I'm driving. If I have a complaint to make to someone I tend to go ott. I don't mean to, just happens. I guess I'm finding an outlet.

Atilla- your comments are staying in my head. Your posts on other people's threads are always very insightful. I'd love to know your view on my situation ....

[itsBeer0cl0ck]

Oxford, that's really true and I mustn't have read the OP's post properly so apologies. When I was with my x who never compromised, we always did what suited him, what met his needs......... back then I used to get quite disproportionately upset if I had a run in with a girl in a shop about returning a faulty item or something like that.

[plumpjuicyraspberry]

Thanks everyone. Your posts are very insightful and very true with regard to my home situation. Oxford- your point is very interesting.

I've no idea where to start with home issues. I fear it's a ltb situation. Though that's probably me being cowardly.

[lunar1]

Your dad has allowed your stepmother to treat you like this and now you allow your dh to do the same. You are worth more than them all and you owe it to your dd's to break the cycle.

You are an independent woman who manages a family and a job, if you can manage that juggling act you can do anything. Let your girls grow up seeing how capable you are, don't let others put you down.