Finally hit me what he did...

[theendishere]

Long story - summary is:

Ex and I separated in Feb 2012 ago but lived "separately" in the same house until 2 months ago.

had last counselling session together in oct 2011 - one of main issues was ex telling lies. he committed as part of that to tell the truth.

In jan 2012 I discovered he'd be lying for months about something big - job related (he had a disciplinary warning for his conduct). For me it was then over as it made a total mockery of the counselling, his "commitments" to change etc.
I was so upset I couldn't speak to him about what i' found out - so I wrote it down and sat with him while he read it. He barely reacted. " weeks later I told I wanted a divorce.
Then I started to see him attaching "shopping lists" to the note I gave him, for things like moisturiser, lockable bag, tops etc.
Tuned out he was cross dressing. over the rest of the 1.5 years we lived togtehr (separately) he continiued to do so, also stole my clothes, make u and jewellery. he bought wigs in my hairstyle and bought underwar identical to mine. He also left blood stained ladies underwear in the laundry and took pictures of himself naked in public. Also left oil on the kitchen floor (tiled floor so very slippery), left dirty pans out for days on end, the list goes on. There is more, but this is a general outline

I finally went to the counsellor I saw 2 years ago, and she said that it was clear he was doing all this to get at me, as my "punishment" for me discovering his lies about work. She said he must have felt humiliated so was trying to do the same to me.

I knew this all along really but its finally hit home just what a nasty, warped person he was. I know I've had a lucky escape but as I now know during the 1.5 years it went on, I shut don emotionally and focussed on getting the divorce sorted out. It's only now, its really hitting me. I even cried for the first time tonight...

[theendishere]

Just been reading more stuff about psychopaths - scary....

[theendishere]

His behaviour seems to verge on psychopathic - esp in relation to his lack of conscience , mind games, etc - any thoughts?

[theendishere]

Thanks MN :)

[MNiscold]

You sound like you're doing pretty darn well!! Hope you slept well and can face the new day with confidence. Exercise can help, too; lots of little things do help. Be good to yourself. Someday you'll realize you haven't even thought of this stuff for a week, and does that ever feel good.

[theendishere]

Yes, I know what you mean. I actually had cbt because of how his behaviour had made me feel before all the recent stuff!

[MNiscold]

I think it leaves you feeling vulnerable. If you didn't read the situation or him accurately, how do you know at all if you know anything? And you need to trust yourself!! I spent several months in therapy trying to figure out if I was capable of thinking clearly, how to check things to have outside verification, etc. But gradually it got better and just living teaches you that you ARE doing ok. You just have to live through it.... keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can do this! You got away!!

[theendishere]

And you're right, it left me not having any clue who or what he is

[theendishere]

I do phone regularly and do shopping for her if i'm visiting.

I'm glad it's not just me who thinks he's sinsister, and as I said in my first post - this was just an outline, there was a lot more, also quite freaky and unnerving....
However, as you say, I'm out :)

[MNiscold]

Are there things you can do for your mom that don't involve actually being right there? Can you make calls for her, order what she needs? Take laundry home with you and do it on your own time then return it? When I had a major surgery a few years back friends did these things for me..... and it was wonderful!! Maybe get a list of several things she needs shopping for and do them all in one go, then visit her to drop them off... just to save time.

It's tough to think of things long-distance, and that is what you're trying to do, but she would know you're being as helpful as you can be.

The ex is a piece of work, and actually quite sinister... things like that leave you wondering if you know who he is at all, or what is true and what is not. But you don't really have to sort it out - you're out!! Bravo.

[theendishere]

Also my mother does have a carer so she has someone she can rely on every day

[theendishere]

good idea, but no it wouldn't work really due to the distance, my son, work, etc

[theendishere]

Thanks - yes to begin with a partly felt a bit sorry for him if the crossdressing was a genuine need. However as it became clear he was using it to freak me out, especially stealing my things, going through my drawers, etc I now have nothing but disdain for him.
he's clearly a very warped, nasty person
My sister has offered no help or support since the day I moved, she is however much closer to my mum and does a lot for her

[MNiscold]

Would it work for you to give your mom a schedule of when you could be at her's to help her? Like two hours, three days a week, in the mornings...... and see what you can do in that time for her. So she has something to count on?

[MNiscold]

The last is really the worst. I'm sooo glad you got away. To look back on that must really have you worried about your own mental state.

You sound like a giving person - could your sister help with your son if that would give you time with your mom? I have no idea how that might work, really, but am trying to think of things to put your mind at ease.

Remember to take one day at a time; worrying doesn't actually change things. Planning can make a difference, and so does sleep. Merciful sleep!!

[theendishere]

And of course I'm trying to recover form the most awful experience with ex

[theendishere]

I visit a fair bit, but am an hours drive away, plus have work and most of the time have my son with me. My sister visits a lot more but is only a few minutes away and has a husband to share childcare with and she doesn't work

[MNiscold]

That is a tough one! We feel so obligated to our families... but you do actually go when you can, right? So you're doing as much as you or anybody else could do. Wish we could be cloned sometimes....
I'd say, how can you feel guilty if you do actually do as much as you can?

[theendishere]

Thanks MN :) I think partly it's worse as it's when I worry about the extra demands my mother is making, and her inability to understand that I have work to do. I have said im happy to visit but need to know when so I can plan around itm but then she doesn't let me know and then I feel guilty I may not be able to visit when required...

[MNiscold]

Don't know how wise I am, but I'm here..... what is really keeping you awake? Maybe it seems worse at night because you're exhausted? Can you write down a few sentences, then try to sleep on them and come back in the morning? Everything seems better in the sunlight....

[theendishere]

These things always seem worse at night...
Anyone around for a few wise words?!

[theendishere]

Thanks Bogeyface :)

[Bogeyface]

I think because thats how my PTSD hit me. I had birth trauma and my PTSD didnt hit for several months but when it did it was a real light bulb moment of realisation at how terribly I had been treated. I had brushed it all to one side in the early days of coping with the baby and possibly because I didnt want to deal with it. When I did realise just how bad it was I fell apart a bit, it was as if my mind was waiting for me to be strong enough to deal with my feelings before letting them out.

[theendishere]

Bogey, out of interest, can I ask what made you think of ptsd?

[theendishere]

Hi Bogeyface!

My son is very young so I will still have to see ex for many years....

Hardly slept again last night, partly because I'm upset that I can't plan much for the next few days (while my son's on holiday) as I feel I have to be "available" when my mother calls asking for help. Plus got a lot of work to fit in. I know it probably sounds selfish, but my counsellor and friend I saw yesterday said it's not at all

[MNiscold]

Aha!!!