I have seen this recommended so many times and I've always thought "that's not me"!, but for some reason I bought it last week and read it in 24 hrs.
It was uncomfortable reading at times because I could see patterns of behaviour that I recognised but it was actually very comforting and illuminating too, to know that my childhood was, in fact, totally fucked up! I've always denied that things were too bad growing up (with an alcoholic, wife beating father and a cold, controlling religious mother, who I would guess borders on narcissistic).
Reading this book is helping me to start unravelling my own attitudes to men and relationships. I've been married twice, the first time to a man who was a misogynist and who was emotionally and physically abusive (but who had a dreadful childhood himself) and the 2nd to an alcoholic who was emotionally distant. He also had a traumatic start in life.
I've had a number of flings in the 4.5 years since me and exH separated, always with unsuitable men. I think now that it was deliberate so that I could avoid intimacy. I even posted a few weeks ago about not wanting a traditional relationship but I wonder now if that is because I just cannot relate to what a normal, healthy & loving partnership would be like?
Thankfully, for the past 11 months or so, I've been sworn off men, because I realised that I was just going to keep repeating the same old routine, and I have been working hard for a few years on developing a good spiritual/inner life and learning to love myself. I am a lot more grounded, but still scared of getting involved with someone incase I choose another "broken" man!
I'm terrified that I'm passing on the same issues to my 3 kids, but deep down I think I know that I am different to my mother.
Can anyone relate to this book? How have you started on the road to healthy relationships? It would be really great to chat with any other women who are affected by this.
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Relationships
Women who love too much - Robin Norwood. It could have been written about me...anyone else identify with it?
msshapelybottom · 28/07/2013 09:23
Melbie, I hear you! I wish I knew what the answer is. I have a suspicion that I would revert to "needy" if I were to meet someone just now, which is weird because I am so independent in the rest of my life.
It does say in the book it can take years to break the old behaviours. I don't know how I feel about that really. Cats? 
How do we make sure the next relationship isn't the same as all the rest? I hope that this slow, chipping away at the old negative stuff, and being aware of why is what changes us inside.
Apologies for dragging the conversation into the gutter, but I have been aware that I am extremely "erotically charged" (thank you Friends!) lately and usually I would go off and find a bloke to have a tussle with, but I don't think that's a good plan this time. At this stage, even the sight of a manly hand holding a steering wheel is enough to make me feel faint.
Gah! Stupid hormones.
Olderkids, it's weird to read a book that accurately describes you ins't it? There were so many bittersweet moments for me reading it, even down to sentences a couple of the women said which I had heard myself say in the past!
I hope this won't come out the wrong way, cos I'm pretty crap at putting what I mean into words sometimes, but I recognise myself in some of what you wrote in your text...every time I got involved with a guy I'd be on tenterhooks waiting for him to text/call and validate me. I was completely unable to find any value by myself. If he contacted me, then I was an ok person, if not, then I was obviously boring/too fat/unattractive etc.
This is part of the reason I decided to take a break from guys. I wanted to find out if I could find my own sense of self worth. For the most part, I am getting there, although there are times when I feel terribly lonely, but those times are few and far between these days (thank god!!)
The married man: how do you feel about him texting you? I know that I would be very uncomfortable with a married guy texting me, even if its purely business, although I don't know if I've gone too far the other way by putting up too many barriers, but I just keep all guys who are already in a relationship at arms length.
It's partly because I have pretty high self esteem now, and don't want to be some married guys confidence boost, and partly because I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of me. BUT a few years ago, I did have a couple of text things with married guys, and I told myself that we were just "passing the time of day" and that there was no harm in it, but looking back I can see that I was using these texts as an ego boost and to try and fill a gap in my life.
Forgive me if I've stepped out of line and feel free to ignore 
I haven't tested myself since I began my "man break" to see how I would cope with the texting/wondering what if etc. I hope that the next time I venture into relationship territory that any contact will be a bonus to my life and not the only thing to give it meaning...(I have high hopes haha)
The book gets better!! The 2nd half is also really good, she gives lots of examples of how to stop the patterns of "loving too much".
Isn't it fascinating that there are so many similar experiences on this thread? I'm sort of amazed, in a way, that there seems to be a prescribed outcome to having a certain type of upbringing. I was convinced for so long that my childhood hadn't really affected me, but in a way there is a certain amount of freedom in owning the bad stuff.
I have spent a lot of time learning how to enjoy "now" and have tried not to dwell too much on the past, or worry too much about the future. I do feel that this is the most important link in what I've been trying to learn about myself, but I don't want to start obsessing about it.
It's such a gift to be able to share it on here though!
Now, where is that cake?
That's so strange msshapelybottom; I must've been around the same age as you when my mum used to have these big long chats with me about how low/tired/unhappily married she was. I remember those memories much more clearly than any of playing with friends or having childlike fun 
(...probably why these days I'm always clambering on the softplay apparatus along with my dd's ha!).
Emotional Incest, in a weird way it really helps to have a name for it! Now I just need to work on forgiving my mum..
Same as you with authority figures; I've always found them intimating too and only very recently (at 35) have I learnt how to express my emotions and that it's okay to do so (ie it doesn't make me a bad person).
This thread has left me feeling so encouraged too..there is no reason whatsoever why you won't find a 'good un' for sure
and um yes..with the sex thing, thinking about it, probably was people pleasing in my case!
Great thread msshapelybottom..and I can't thank you enough for making me feel less abnormal or strange given my relationship history 
Xp was EA with a frightening temper but as is common, no indication of it at first. Very unhealthy relationship history before that if I'm honest.
Digging deeper, I've always had problems accepting/liking myself..but having a loving (albeit very controlling overprotective) mother, I couldn't figure out why I found it simply impossible to have any semblance of a healthy functional relationship. But reading your post BloomingRose ('a relationship with my mother where I had to continually prop her up, and was told things that you wouldn't dream of telling an 8 year old') that was my childhood! my mother used to treat me as her complete emotional prop, her confidante, she said things I wouldn't dream of saying to my 2 dd's. Aside from the relationships with my children I have definite issues with receiving unconditional love; I always question it.
What's also true is that guys I've been out with have always though how great it is that I'm always 'up for it'! (I just thought I was sexually liberated ha!)
Maybe I wanted them to like me more..(or maybe I was bored and couldn't think of anything better to do!) though now I am also trying to be a reformed character! ('Women who shag too much' big )
SO at the moment I'm in a new relationship with a nice man (first time ever!), 4 months in and going well..I'm just hoping I don't push him away & mess it up 
Also what you said msschapelybottom about forgiving ourselves and others for our/their part in prev relationsips in very poigniant.
You're right, I'm a reformed character in the making. Haven't had a sniff of a shag in months...which I think is progress
Extensive shagging=complicated emotional disaster!!
But would it now? I know what you mean tho. Me too! Not suggesting you are a mad shagger btw
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I actually feel better just knowing I'm not the only one who has behaved like this, thank you, fellow tarts posters who love too much
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