Unhappy DH dragging me down

[VodkaOClock]

He's not happy. He's never been happy since I was pg with dc1. He told me then that his feelings for me changed.

We've been together since we were kids really and have so many happy memories.

But he is so dissatisfied with his life, and its really dragging us all down.

Says he is jealous of the time I give dcs - they both have SN.

Says I love them having SN because I enjoy the attention (this was the most painful thing he has ever said to me, totally untrue, and when he calms down after he's said stuff like this he apologizes and says he knows its not true but he gets angry and says hurtful things).

Says that he is not allowed a life but I am.

Says that lots of ppl have it easier than us, and life's so unfair.

Says that I slag him off to my friends and family. I don't. I never have. I've only once ever asked my mum for help with him once when I was stuck in hospital with very poorly baby dc and dh was cross because I wouldn't leave hospital to run an errand for a family member. He has never forgiven me for telling my mum about this, but I was so upset when she visited hospital I didn't have much choice.

Says that if I was nicer to him and showed him more affection that he would be nicer to me.

He has no patience at all with dc1, and is quite angry that he won't just be normal.

When it's just us it's fine, so long as I don't talk about dcs or work.

He said he wanted couples counselling, and I agreed, then he changed his mind and said I would use it to make out it is all his fault.

I wish I could help him to see all that's good about our dcs, and our lives and help him to enjoy his time with us, and stop comparing with others, but I don't know how.

[newlifeforme]

I guess your dh is in a negative cycle which is hard to break free from, I relate to it in some ways as I suffer with severe PMS and during that time I feel extremely negative.

Is he able to talk about how he feels without blaming you? If so it might be worth suggesting CBT and mindfulness.Michael Mosely had a recent programme Horizon, The truth about personality which examined negative thinking and how it can be changed.Its available on YouTube.

Ultimately he needs to want to change but if he is depressed its hard to snap out of it and he may need to see a GP.Its also worth checking that his physical health is OK, some medical conditions can cause depressive thoughts.

[VodkaOClock]

I'll check out that TV programme, that sounds really interesting. I really have tried to get him to talk to someone but he really thinks that if only I would do all the things he wants me to do, and change what he wants me to change, then he would be happy. I think just not getting sucked in when he starts a fight, and when he starts telling me what I am doing wrong to just calmly say 'I can't talk about that, please talk to a friend or the GP' and move on. I get sucked in too easily because if I try to ignore he escalates and really attacks my personality, who I am, how I parent, things that really hurt, so I start defending myself - I shouldn't bother, I don't need to convince him to change his mind about me.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

So you have to change, but it's fine for him to be aggressive and make personal attacks? I think it's time you took SGB's route and said 'If I am so terrible, then why are you still here? You expect me to accept you as you are, so if you can't do the same, we're at the end of the road'.

[VodkaOClock]

The last few years have been a revelation to me. When I was growing up I was frequently told by my parents how horrible, lazy and unkind I was (although we get on well now), and dh always has too. I mentioned it one time to df and he told me I was lucky to have dh, so for a long time I've just thought this was normal and that they must be right about me. But thinking about it my df never ever would've said things like that to dm. And now it is only my dh that says these things about me, and then later if I am crying he will say that it's not true and he doesn't mean it. I get lots of kind compliments and have lots of friends, so I can't be that bad.

I do understand why I should kick him out, but I can't imagine telling ppl we are splitting because he calls me names. Everyone thinks he is lovely because I would never tell them otherwise.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

Yikes, Vodka, no wonder it's hard to split, if people have been bullying you like this your entire life. Your father is wrong. It's not you, it's the miserable gits you have ended up surrounded with as family.

I have seen people post similar things on other threads about not knowing how to explain a split to others. The answer is that you don't have to. You can of course go for honesty and say that for years he has been picking on you, verbally abusing you (it's not just 'calling you names'), saying awful things to you and dragging you down until you have had enough. You could also gloss it as having decided that you are making each other so unhappy that it is better all round, and for you both, that you separate. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

Be prepared for your (D)H to paint you as the bad guy who doesn't make allowances for his depression etc. On the other hand, you may well find people say to you 'Vodka, I've always thought he was sucking the life out of you and I have wondered for years how you've put up with him'. I bet at least some of your friends think this even if you've never said anything to them.

I don't know how ready you are for this, but you will really benefit from putting the responsibility for making life good back in his lap. Do the things you like to do, and if you're not ready to have it out yet, ignore what he says when he is like this. Totally ignore it. Leave the room. If he demands to know why you aren't listening, I would tell him you've heard it all before and what is there to say? Say you have no interest in hashing this out yet again. And leave the room to pack his bags

[VodkaOClock]

Thanks for your patience with me snazzy.

I am prepared to just get on with my life, and when he goes off on one, just walk away. When we're all out as a family or just the two of us, we can have a great time, but then it comes back to day to day living and it really gets him down and he takes it out on me. This thread has really helped me see that, and that I should just disengage.