Since leaving Dh has been diagnosed with depression. Has anyone been through this or have any advice?

[feelingvunerable]

Hi,

Back story:
Myself and dh have been together over 20 years and have always got on like a house on fire. we have 3 dcs

Last yaer he said that he thought something was missing from our relationship but he wasn't sure what.
We discussed things and both made an effort to make it work.

All seemed ok until a few months ago when he announced that he didn't feel right, and wasn't sure if he still wanted to be married. Again he couldn't quite put his finger on what exactly was wrong, but said that if this was all there is to life then he doesn't want to spend his last few days doing this!
I got very frustrated and asked him what the hell he wanted and in the end after a row he said he would leave.

We were both devastated and he immediately begged to come back. I wasn't going to let him come back straight away as i needed to be sure things would work out. He vowed to put me and the kids first and make an effort ,saying that the faults in our marriage were all his. At first everything was great then quite quickly he started behaving in a way that made me feel second best. Going out with friends a lot. Not coming home when he said he would. Cancelling or almost cancelling atrrangements that we had together in favour of seeing mates.
Even when we went out together and I really enjoyed it, he would say is it just an act I'm putting on!

He has veered from you and the kids are my number one priority and I love nothing more than being with you, to: I really don't want to be tied down and want my freedom, without you.

Last week he made the decision to leave. I had booked an appointment at the doctors because I thought that there may be deep issues. The doctor diagnosed depression. She wanted dh to take medication. He didn't want to and left with a very vague plan of cognitive therapy.

This involves such things as walking for 1 hour a day.

I don't think dh will follow this. I have suggested to him to take the medication.
My question is: Is it the depression which has caused him to question whether he wants to be married and would allevaiting the depression bring him back to his former self?

I am asking this because right now I am stuff in a horrific limbo.
Is there any hope for us?
Or is it unlikely that he will not change even if/when the depression goes.

When we are together things are great if this throws any light on things

Thaks for reading all this.

[springytoto]

btw I speak as one who has had a long history of depression, on and off. Feeling shit doesn't mean I can treat people badly. Depression isn't a get-out clause.

On the flip side: getting better from depression means taking full responsibility for your own recovery - not palming it off on everybody else, wailing and bemoaning your lot.

Poor, poor him eh

What about poor, poor you? (and poor, poor kids. While he swans off out on the town on his 'crisis')

[springytoto]

You're doing a lot of crawling around for him - 'pretty please, if you could possibly, if you don't mind, if it fits in with your plans'.

I've learnt the hard way that when people are going through a bad time, that's the time to keep boundaries strong. Being 'nice' and 'accommodating' just doesn't work: 'do please treat me like shit, I know you can't help it your poor lamb'.

I know you are gutted by this and your confidence is through the floor, but please start addressing what you want and not tailoring everything to what he wants. A bit of reality may focus his mind, somewhat.

It does look like his head has been turned somehow. Either an OW or some kind of shit mid-life shit. Honestly, as if we all had the time/no responsibilities for one of those!

And he's not so badly off that he can't manipulate your daughter. he's full of shit is my guess. Sorry

[yamsareyammy]

He is not coping.
He is not coping with you
He is not coping with the kids either.

He says he is happier away from you. That may well be true. Because he has depression, and cannot cope with pressure. Of any sort. My guess is that if you asked him to eg sort out paperwork, he probably couldnt do it.

How is he coping with work btw? Managing just, or not coping there well either?

What he probably needs is some weeks off work. And medication.

[akaWisey]

Sorry but he's coming across as having checked out.

And very soon it will be time for you to stop waiting for him to be 'ready and willing' to talk to you and start telling him how it is.

He's not depressed. The more you say about him the more he seems to be following 'The Script'.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Hope you manage to talk to someone, it is very likely the frustration and upset is now taking its toll. Glad you're not tiptoeing around him, you really need to know what's ahead and if you can take some initiative, you won't feel permanently on the back foot.

"Nagging" is often because one parent detaches from mundane life blithely taking it for granted the other picks up the slack.

Did he really not predict that 'escaping' would affect you AND the DCs!


May I ask, is this out in the open, have your families any clue what's been happening?

[feelingvunerable]

Hi,
I asked for a meet up and he rang yesterday. it didn't go well. He basically said that he couldn't meet me when I suggested because he had been invited to go out. I asked if we could tailor it around his plans and he said that it was an afternoon/evening event so no he wasn't free. I said I needed to know where we both stand as in how seperate are we. After twoing and frowing he said he felt so much better not being around me as i nag and bring him down. I calmly stated that I only want clarification as to when he will be shouldering the responsibility for sorting the kids out.
His rsponse was he didn't have to have them at all!

I left the ball in his court, telling him to make contact with me.

Dd1 has spoken to him and asked if he will take and pick her up from her pt job saturday and watch her in her competition, all of which he had offered to do. He again mentioned having to miss out on his plans. She asked him are you putting strangers before me dad? He cried and said he was sorry.

I feel physically ill and need to focus on myself. been to the doctors but couldn't get an appointment, will try again tomorrow.

Totally shit situation.

[JaceyBee]

I should add though, it's possible that the counselling may help him to decide that he does want to leave the marriage for good rather than bring him back.

[JaceyBee]

I think he sounds dissatisfied, disillusioned and frustrated but i don't think he sounds depressed. GPs diagnose depression and prescribe meds willy nilly IME and it's ridiculous. I think it sounds like an MLC and he could benefit from some counselling, not CBT because that will just be used to treat the symptoms of the depression which he doesn't appear to be showing anyway.

[yamsareyammy]

With depression, people feel presurised. So, while yes, going out is not a symptom of depression, he may well find it easier to cope with, going out, than staying in iyswim.
He may even be trying to run away [from himself and his symptoms] by going out.

[feelingvunerable]

Yes it's the going out that has upset me.
He has said that it was such an effort to make plans to go out with me and yet he could always seem to go out at the drop of a hat with friends.
I need to speak to him to see where all this is going, if he even knows.
Yes I was present at the doctors. He was quite responsive with me then, although sceptical of her diagnosis.

I am going to ask if we can meet up and take it from there.

[cestlavielife]

Going out a lot is not a severe clinical depression....

I strongly suggest you ask your gp to refer you for counselling one on one for you so you can get everything out about how you feel.

Secondly sort out practical details when he will have the dc etc.
Not have him coming to yours to see them but to his place.

If he is able to work normally go out etc then he isn't in the throes of a severe depression.

Having said that on,y he is responsible for his mental health. If he doesn't want to treat it or wants to treat it by leaving you then there is nothing you can do about that. But get on with your life as best you can.

Assume he has left and get some financial and legal advice


And consider whether your history as you describe it is literally a complete change of character . In which case a mental health or even a Physical health issue could be to blame or if in fact some aspects of his personality or behaviour have always been there ?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I don't know how old your children are but whether or not your DH is genuinely ill, you are shouldering a lot. The past year has been a strain for you as well as him, but an appointment wasn't made until just last week? I am not medical, it is not for me to question a GP's diagnosis. (Sorry to ask, I take it you accompanied him and heard this from the doctor herself?).

What makes me cautious about accepting he has depression is this, from last year:
if this was all there is to life then he doesn't want to spend his last few days doing this!
followed by lots of socialising.

Ime people suffering with depression can hardly drag themselves out of bed every day let alone go out and enjoy a social life. However I am no expert.

DD1 doesn't know what's happening, she will either blame herself or you if her father seems transformed and detaching from family life, either from depression or a mid-life crisis. DD2 and DS may be much younger, are they old enough to appreciate the crisis? I really hope you have RL support.

[feelingvunerable]

Been to dd2s play, I text dh to say where I was sat and he came and sat next to me.
Felt a lot better in myself, put on a nice sundress that was too tight until recently and a small amount of make-up. Dh has said that I'm not unattractive to him. Could also have been the fact that a man (younger than me) was flirting with me earlier.
Silly things I know but my confidence has plummeted to rock bottom. Dh knows that he has made me feel unloved as I have told him that that is all I want: to feel loved.

Anyway I didn't mention him at all. Rightly or wrongly I only spoke about dd2.
He is doing a lot of running about for all 3 dcs tomorrow and I have asked him to look after dd2 whilst I go out on a works do Friday, unfortunately it is straight after work so no wild partying!
He has even offered to drop off dd2's friend (coming across as Saint Mrfeelingvunerable).

As for him speaking to dd1 that upset me. She has become very defensive of her father whereas before she could be quite cutting, asking if he was out with his friends, yet again.
I really don't want to involve her like this but I can't stop dh talking to her.
She has even said she feels sorry for him, and why should he have to cook for his dcs!!!!

Tomorrow is another day.
Will try and remain as positive as possible.
Currently

[GladbagsGold]

I am so so disgusted at him telling you one thing and his DD another. How DARE he involve his DD like this?
I feel sorry for anyone who genuinely has depression. Have been there myself, it is very hard but I didn't dump on my kids!
Sorry OP but he sounds like hes full of crap.

[TheCrackFox]

I really think that you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he isn't depressed but has another woman.

I might be wrong.

[yamsareyammy]

He sounds lost, scared , annoyed, knows he is ab it out of control of himself.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"He has told dd1 that he doesn't have depression, and that all his problems must have been caused by me...."

Q.E.D. And yet again, the mental illness card gets strategically played by the unscrupulous cheat.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I agree with cogito. Don't be surprised when an other woman turns up on the scene very quickly.
As said, all those lines are classic script lines for someone who is having an affair.

And also what bbqsummersaid - I second that.

[feelingvunerable]

Also he mentioned something concerning ds.

This was an issue which I intended talking to him about last week but again he "wasn't free" to meet me.
Think the penny might have dropped that he does need to start and talk to me.

I left the ball in his court about when it is convenient to speak.

[feelingvunerable]

Dh said he had plans last night which made me send a sharpe text back in annoyance.
He has told dd1 that he doesn't have depression, and that all his problems must have been caused by me as he feels much happier away from me!

I am gutted.
I rang him this morning intending to leave a voice mail but he answered his phone.
We spoke calmly as i proposed that he start having the kids for tea 2 nights a week, I don't mind which nights.

I told him that we both deserve a break and need to start to share responsibility.
I also said that there would be less running about for both of us when the kids break up for the holidays.

His response was that he would do it but is skint so cannot afford to take them anywhere. I didn't bite I said that as a last resort he could come here and I would go out.

He is coming to the school play tonight to see dd2.

I feel a lot calmer today, though still upset. Think some stability will help me as all the responsibility seems to have fallen on my shoulders.

[ColouringInQueen]

Sorry to hear you're in such a tough position. I don't know if it's any help but I'm recovering from depression. Started last year. I also started wondering if I was married to the right person. Things got worse. .. Anyhow to cut a long story short in Jan I started treatment for severe depression (meds and counselling) and am now feeling a lot better, and can now realise that it was mostly the depression talking. We do have some issues around communication which we're working on, but it is scary to think how close I came to leaving him and the kids.

Obv it is important for him to accept there is a problem, but if you can, dont give up completely just yet. There are a lot of posters on mumsnet that will say leave, you would prob get some different responses if you posted in mental health.

Good luck and do take care of yourself. Its very hard being with/supporting someone with depression.

[feelingvunerable]

Just text dd1 who meet my mil and sil today. there wer unaware that dh has left.
I told her to tell the truth if either of them asked.

Still not heard from dh but dd1 has replied saying that instead of catching the bus straight home from where she met her grandma, she has gone back to her house and this means that dh will have to detour after work and opick her up.

Pissed me off. Not her fault but now it is unlikely that he will be back for ds training so i will have to take him, miss my gym class and dh will probably say he is too tired to meet me.

Bloody great.

[feelingvunerable]

Thanks Penelope.

I have told my boss today who was very understanding.
She has advised me to keep all the doors open which makes sense.

I have text him, he will still be at work so can't talk on phone, asking him to meet me later when it is convenient for him to do so, so that we can have a drink. I want to speak about his depression/midlife crisis. I also need to broach if possible the subject of the kids. At the minute I really cannot bare the thought of cooking a meal every single day. this was bugging me before but seems to be turning into a real issue for me now.

I will try and not put any pressure on him but I need to speak to him and see where emotionally he is and ask if he is addressing his issues.

Like I said i feel in some horrific state of limbo. I'm trying to relax as best I can but have some sort of bind with the kids every single day.
My other problem is that even though I have told a couple of people what I am going through, most of my friends are married with kids and live of their own so aren't free just to skip off to meet me for a drink in a pub.

Usually, when things were good, I would go to an exercise class and dh would take ds to training. As yet I haven't heard back from him so no idea what is happening.

[PenelopeQ]

Feelingvulnerable,
Please visit the website Absolutelylost recommended, or at the least start reading about midlife crisis from somewhere with serious information. That website has a forum also.
BUT do not share the information with your husband!!!
So far this sounds like a classic MLC and MLCers will deny and twist...though some will use MLC as an excuse at first.

Midlife Crisis is a depression and not all depressions look the way we think depression looks. Some look the opposite...not moping, but active. This is more common with men...it's a male style of depression.

[bbqsummer]

Sorry, but he's not depressed. He's a knob.