Facing separation and DH turns into SuperDad. How long does this last?

[standingatthecounter]

Hi Everyone
I'm new on here but hoped someone might have some experience of this problem. It looks like my husband and I are going to separate and he has suddenly become SuperDad to our 2 sons (aged 8 and 5). He has always been fairly hands on but in a practical way - doing baths, getting them ready for bed etc. He has never really fooled around with them much, played football, watched TV with them. A lot of the time when he was in the house they would do their thing and he would do his.

Well how things have changed now. He is almost following them round asking to join in with their games, throwing them round the garden endlessly, saying "I'll do it, I'll do it" if they ask me to do something. Because he isn't used to doing this with them he looks awkward with it and his voice has that fake jolly way about it.

It is driving me nuts. Nuts because he could have been like this all along instead of being (what a few friends have called him) the 'Fun Police'. But also nuts because I can't help feeling that this behaviour is going on because they have always preferred to be with me and with a separation likely he is trying very hard to get them to be as attached to him as they are to me. He has always known that they have preferred my company and it has never bothered him up to this point.

I have been a SAHM for the last 8 years while he has worked full time and spent up to 2 months away from home (in bits, never in one go). Now he wants to have 50:50 care of the kids after the separation. His Mum has told him this is unlikely to happen as it is not the situation they are used to and also probably not what they would chose. Since that conversation with his Mum he has got even worse with them.

The kids for their part are loving the extra attention and I am pleased that they are developing a better relationship with him. My problem with it is that it seems to be on his terms. It seems less to be for their benefit - otherwise why not do this years ago?

What is the likelihood of him getting 50:50 care of the kids after the split? He is saying that he can be completely flexible with his work hours to enable him to pick up the kids from school and that he can refuse to work away. I don't want to deny them or him a good relationship but I want the future to reflect how the past has been for them, otherwise it will be too much of a change for them.

And how long does this SuperDad bit go on for? Just until he gets his way? He has lost control of me but now seems intent on getting control of them (control and manipulation have played a part throughout our relationship).

Does anyone have any experience they could share? Thank you.

[coffeeistheanswer]

I could have written this post.

Told DH I wasn't happy.

He turns into 'superdad'

He's driving me nuts.

It's like living with Mr Tumble on speed.

No idea...but this made me smile!

[FriskyHenderson]

Is it too early to call his bluff and say if he wants 50/50 then you should start now. See how he feels when he's actually doing 50% of their washing, ironing, lunchboxes, homework, after school stuff...

[stepmooster]

If you don't think he really wants 50/50 why not call his bluff? Let him have 50/50 and see how he copes?

Maybe he will crack or maybe he will enjoy it and then your children will be able to have a close relationship with both parents.

EOW contact sucks for my DH, he didn't have anywhere suitable to live to offer this care for his son when his 1st marriage ended. He missed him terribly and would've loved more contact.

My DH has just done 6 months paternity leave after working in the city since age 16. It is possible for men to enjoy looking after kids even when they have worked in a career they enjoy.

50/50 may also help you out? More time to yourself to work/socialise/meet someone else without babysitters and childcare.

[standingatthecounter]

Just logging on quickly to say thank you to everyone who has replied - and for the range of responses. It's great to get different people's experiences and a bit of a kick up the arse as far as me not being fully on board with the 50:50 care split.

Maybe over time the awkwardness with them will improve - it's really cringey at the moment, he is really needy for their attention and the lack of discipline is really annoying too.

Fingers crossed....

PS 'Mr Tumble on speed' - brilliant!!!