Lies

[AnAirOfHope]

Hi
Would you leave your dh if his mum paid a bill and your dh, mil and fil didnt tell you and was not going to tell you and when questionen dh lied and said no mil didnt pay bill and she didnt know about it then confessed mil paid and they all lied to you?

[evelynj]

I think he needs to feel confident that he is allowed to say how he truly feels, (counselling should achieve this & give you tools to react in a way that doesn't make him feel guilty or you angry). I'm not sure why but I get the impression that he just doesn't want to say anything that would upset you-this is understandable & my dh would do almost anything to avoid confrontation but on the long run that's counter productive. There's no point going along with something I he doesn't feel the same. Obviously sometimes one of you will have to compromise.

Your mil sounds like hard work, (ime most of them are!) but if you have the tools to assert yourself confidently then this should have a huge impact on how you communicate. Where your life and children are concerned it's your rules-there are some things that can give way a bit, like not spoiling kids with more than a few sweets but other things that are non negotiable and pil's need to know where the line is.

Btw, I think it was a great idea to show him this thread, I think a lot of good could be done by showing some threads to dh!

[AnAirOfHope]

When I try to tell him how I feel he just syands there and takes it without responeding or intreacting and does not comment. I dont think he is taking in what im saying cos there is no feedback.

[AnAirOfHope]

I have showen h this thread.

He has agreed to keep pil out of our relationship.
He has agreed to go to relate.

I still dont think he gets how I feel about him lieing. Im not sure he will ever understand where I am coming from and I cant be sure he will open up and be honest with me.

Im not sure its worth going torelate if I cant trust what he is saying

[SunshineBossaNova]

Holly, you have missed the point entirely.

[hollyisalovelyname]

I'd be delighted if my pils wanted to pay my bills.

[AnAirOfHope]

Also I want to build the best family I can for us and that includes all family members not lieying to each other.

I would perfer to deal with the issues and not the lies.

[AnAirOfHope]

Your right it does make me feel insecure in the family im trying to build for me and my children

[SunshineBossaNova]

Hope I agree that more counselling might be in order - a good counsellor might help him to see the effect these lies, and your PIL's undermining of you, have on your self-esteem and your marriage.

I can't abide lying, and I would find it problematic, particularly when coupled with your PIL's attitude.,

Big hugs OP and best of luck. x

[alittlebitcountry]

Sorry, posted too soon. Good luck OP, I don't have the fix all solution, but a lot of sympathy. I hope you get it sorted.

[alittlebitcountry]

From a one off example it's hard to appreciate the insidious, undermining impact of lies like this over a period of time.
In my experience, the first few times you can excuse, just like other posters seem to be doing, after all it turned out ok, things were sorted, no one got hurt.
The problem is, after a while you never really know where you stand. You can believe you're working as a team with your partner, work out budgets and plans together. But the family life you think you have is never exactly what you've got. It can feel very insecure, and disrespectful.

[AnAirOfHope]

I think its a fundalmental difference in moral values between me and husband (sad)

[AnAirOfHope]

Thank you for you advice and pov its really helpful. I agree the first council was rubbish so we didnt go back. At the time o wanted to sort myself out then fouce on us as a couple due to my depression/PND. Now I think its time to revisit the us part of counciling.

The PIL have a lot to do my our kids and my son loves his Grandad so much that I need to make it work but I cant talk to them as MIL controls FIL and she is domineering and thinks in lower than her and treats me like a girl eg "stop wittleing" when I ask if she has everything she needs for son! She will not listen and does her own thing. This is something me and h agree on.

The last time I disagreed with her she cried and didnt talk to me for a few weeks said I talked to her like a two year old and that she wasnt going to go to our dd christening (h was great and backed me up and was very polict and diplomatic with her without disrepecteding me)

I also think its mine and h that have the problem with not communicating or h not listening to my opioin/prefernce and nothing to do with inlaws. Its h that knows I hate lieing and I dont want him to lie to me.

My family think lieing is dishonest and you shouldnt lie to ypur family where h and his family think its ok to lie if you have a good reason to.

[evelynj]

I think more counselling is in order as your dh seems to want to 'get over it & move on' which means you haven't explored it fully or truly understand each others feelings so likely to happen again in the future. I don't think you should brush it under the carpet if it's something that seriously made you consider breaking up your marriage.

Tbh the last counsellor you experienced sounds a bit rubbish. Saying 'you're a nice couple & need to talk more' then sending you on your way is utterly useless. That's the issue for pretty much every couple that go to relate etc. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other and with his parents as it sounds like you can't be honest with them and if they are in your life that much you need to be able to talk openly with them, whether it makes anyone uncomfortable or not, (as long as there is no intention for malice). Although we all may feel differently about things,I don't think we should be ashamed of how we feel.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off!

[zippey]

You say in your 2nd post that money is tight. People often want to help out or donate money preferring to stay anonymous. Your finances are between you and DH. DH was obviously willing to accept the generous donation. Your PIL seem to know your financial situation and are wanting to help out but they also seem to know that your pride would make your angry.

Me, I would be grateful for having generous PIL's.

As for the lying you need to look st that in context and the seriousness of it. All lies are not the same. Lying about seeing an OW and lying about a surprise birthday party are on either side of the scale for example. And it's a hollow request to expect people not to lie, it's human nature to tell untruths.

[deliasmithy]

Only you can answer that Air. You know the relationship best in order to weigh up this problem against all the strengths.

My personal view is that lying is bad on any level and its therefore a strong value of mine. That said, this doesn't mean that other people feel the same. Some people believe in 'white lies' as being acceptable, though I still find that hard to deal with. I think what helps is to have a deeper discussion, not just what you don't like it but why, what damage it does and what it represents.

It seems that perhaps, and i could be interpreting this wrongly, that your oh felt there was a problem around money. He felt that a solution was to get his parents help but knew how strongly you disagree with this so felt unable to raise it with you. Perhaps he assumed you wouldn't consider taking money from them and viewed you as being unapproachable therefore felt his only option was to do it without telling you. It was likely he felt uncomfortable doing this which is why he eventually told you.

If the above is true to some level then it seems that the surface problem is lying, but underneath is a communication issue, and perhaps a fundamental disagreement over the involvement of his parents.

[Pannacotta2013]

I can understand how you feel, to have those PIL deliberately undermining you (and it is deliberate, they know you dislike being excluded and do it anyway) and interfering in what should be a united twosome with your husband, and him allowing this, would seriously make me doubt what we had. And I'd feel incredibly resentful and frustrated. Could you go back to counselling?

You could also try a different tack with the PIL. If their motivation in giving money is so that they feel they have a controlling hand in your relationship, could you simply puncture that balloon for them? 'Thanks so much for paying the council tax bill, that's really helpful of you!' 'And thanks so much for the deposit! Oh no we won't be giving any of that back to you when we move... it was a gift wasn't it? I don't think we signed anything about you being a joint purchaser on the mortgage, in fact I don't think we even discussed it did we, because there's no way I'd have agreed to that... so kind of you to help out though!' As long as they see you getting wound up about it they will carry on, because that's what they want. So try not to give them the satisfaction, but do accept their generous handouts! They will stop if they want to.

[AnAirOfHope]

Its the fact he knows what he is doing and he still does it! He is stupid and lazy but still, really!

[AnAirOfHope]

Is lieing about a 'good thing' not as bad as lieying about a 'bad thing' like gambling, smoking or drinking?

[justgivemeareason]

It's not the most terrible thing to have lied about.

[AnAirOfHope]

Think I will need to talk to h again and explain why I dont like them lieying to me (did that three years ago) and ask him not to do it again (dittio).

I dont know if this is worth ending my marrage over or if its a major bad point I need to accept will keep happening and get over it.

[AnAirOfHope]

We went to relate three years ago about the same issue and we had one session. We left and the counsilor said we were the nicest couple she had seen and could tell we loved each other but had to learn to communiate better and to form a better environment for H to not feel the need to lie to me and for him to understand that I really dont like it.

I dont think it worked

[AnAirOfHope]

Every thing else in our relationship is fine and I love him but I hate that he does.this.

I have talked to him and he has said he did it because it was the easiest thing to do and it got the bill paid and.he didnt tell me first off because he didnt want me to be upset or worry.

He admitted he did it as it was easy and he is lazy and stupid. He didnt want to row with his mum ober it and I was busy and had company round so he could have told me sooner and he said he would have told me in the morning.

But he still did it!

I dont want to leave but im not sure I can or dhould put up with being excluded and lied to. I explained to dh thats how i feel and he said its not like that they didnt want me to be upset or worry about them helping our family.

Im thinking I should forgive them and ask them all not to lie to me again but then I think they will see it as ok!

H has said he is hoping I get over it as I love him and that I will calm down and things will go back to normal as thats easiest and he is lazy.

He is sleeping in kids room untill I "feel better" about him

[evelynj]

I agree that your feelings are hard to handle & I understand why you're upset hut sounds like your dh had best intention.

I think you should go to counselling with dh so you can better learn to understand and support each other. It's really hard if you feel that you're in 'his world' with nobody exclusively attached to you. I think women have a hater time with that than men do.

I went to relate with my ex. Although we're not together anymore it was one of the best and most enlightening things I have ever done. You will get a truly neutral party who can give you some practical advice on what you can work on to make your life better & you'll be more sure if you should be together or not.

Good luck!

[myroomisatip]

I don't think you are being petty. It is obviously making you very unhappy and possibly has a lot to do with you being on AD's.

If your DH is not willing to change then I fear you will become increasingly resentful and unhappy. May be it is time to bring your relationship to an end sooner rather than later?

[ktef]

It sounds to me like you want to feel like you and your husband are a unit, a partnership, you and he against the world etc. but instead you feel like an extra, and outsider in your own marriage, and like YOU are a problem to be got round by the others, who then lie to you to stop you making trouble. Not only that but they lie really badly so it is really obvious to you that they are doing it.

This sounds very hard to handle. And I can imagine I would feel very lonely and alone in amongst a family who are excluding you.

I think you need to decide if dh is ever going to be able to change and start treating you like an equal whose opinions he values. And whether or not he can change I think you really need to get your own support outside of him and his parents. You need some friends. If you can't control him can you start trying to boost your own strength by getting a life outside that doesn't involve him and his interfering parents.