My bf of 18 months and I don't live together, he works as a builder overseas, both for other people and on his own house refurbishment and comes home every few weeks. We are making plans to buy or build a house together once his own is sold and when his commitment to a large building contract has been honoured. We have also talked seriously about marriage.
I would currently like to upgrade some rooms in my own house and, as he really doesn't have the time to just put his current commitments to one side for 3 weeks (and he is completely committed to getting his own property finished), I happily took it upon myself to start getting quotes to have the work done and have kept him in the loop in terms of the prices and discussions with the potential tradespeople.
Tonight, he said that work had quietened down for a few weeks and that it would make more sense if he came home and did the work for me which I was really chuffed about. He then added that he "could do with the work" presumably as he wouldn't be earning any money while his own project was quiet, implying that I would be paying him to do the job. Prior to us being in a relationship, he has done work for me and I've obviously been more than happy to pay the going rate (and he's charged me the going rate) even though we have known each other since childhood and he is a very close friend of the family. I never expected any favours and asked him to do the work purely because he's excellent at what he does and I trusted him to do the best job.
I told him immediately that I wasn't comfortable mixing business up with our private relationship then just blurted out I didn't think it right he should be asking me to pay him particularly given the seriousness of our relationship. He said that was fine and he understood but I could tell by his tone he was either embarrassed or didn't understand at all.
The thing is, the whole episode has left a really bad taste in my mouth but I'm trying to convince myself that for him it is just business. About 12 months ago I loaned him some money (£4k) which to his credit he made every attempt to pay back to me but I doggedly argued the point and convinced him put it to good use on his house so he could get it on the market asap. I almost brought this up in conversation but knowing how he feels about owing people money, I decided it wasn't worth rocking the boat for what just might be a simple misunderstanding.
My mind has now gone into overdrive and I'm wondering if he isn't as committed to our relationship as I thought and whether I'm just an easy option once he returns from working overseas. I'm extremely cautious when it comes to relationships and although I really thought he was the one for me, I don't want to move forward with him if this is the case, I'd rather stay single.
Am I overreacting? You'll probably see by the time of this posting that I've been up all night worrying about it!
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Relationships
Don't really know what to make of this
ItsDecisionTime · 26/05/2013 03:26
Wanted to update everyone on where we are with this as you were all kind enough to help me work through the problem.
Bf believes I got hold of the wrong end of the stick as he would never expect me to pay him for work especially given how generous I am to him (and he did bring up the £4k. I think perhaps he's had time to think everything through and take a long hard look at himself.
I'm not so sure as I heard what I heard. However, we have really cleared the air and have been able to discuss the other issues which were bugging me but without me being confrontational about it.
We are going to spend a couple of weeks away at the beginning of July, away from all the pressures of work, and see how we both feel. I want the relationship to work as apart from this, we get on really great. However, I'm nobody's fool and if I still have doubts after our time together, it's time to put an end to it - and I will.
Thanks everyone, couldn't have done it without you 
I'm relieved to see your closing sentence there, Decision. I'm inclined to say I wish you were making a final decision now - walk away from your sunk costs before the sink gets any deeper - and hope you will come to it soon. Glad you posted your update, because that scene reveals a whole lot of qualities you won't want to live with. Read it back when you're not feeling wobbly!
He lives for each day. Sometimes it's feast, sometimes it's famine.
I'm like this. I'm none too proud of it, though I have happy memories of many feasts to smile about during my present, seemingly interminable famine! I'm telling you this because I do accept money when anybody's kind enough to offer it, and have done so for work I knew was going nowhere and/or would have done for nothing. If this happens, I'm extremely upfront about what's happening ("I'm willing to accept this because I'm broke, but want to make it really clear you can change your mind.") and extremely appreciative. Buggering about half-heartedly is mean spirited, imo, and guaranteed to cause problems later on. It sounds like your man's far better at accepting money & favours than giving them out.
Don't set any store by how he treats his daughter; loads of people have blind spots where their DC are concerned. He may even see her costs as a financial obligation you should contribute to.
Be careful. Better still, get out of it and cheer yourself up with the workmen you hire! (I didn't say that last bit, honest 
)
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