Delusional mum trying to upset my relationship with my step daughters

[alexa0304]

I'm new here, but I really need some help and advice. I have 2 children, a son of 11 and a daughter of 8. I am separated from their father but I have a lovely husband and 2 step daughters aged 7 and 4 whom I love dearly and look after for 3 days per week. We have been together for 3 years.

The elder of my 2 step daughters isn't always easy to understand, I think she has problems as her mum obviously can't bear her and she has seen child psychologists. She is, however, very sweet and I try hard to praise her when she is good and support and guide her when she isn't. I am almost as close to her as I am with my daughter, who is 6 months older, the pair are best friends.

So, this is where my mum comes in. She has always been a habitual liar, if you asked her which way she drove home she would tell a lie rather than tell the truth. I was neglected by her as a child and have suffered pretty bad mental problems since childhood, which fortunately I have under control. I ignore the past and her ongoing lies and half-truths so that she can have a relationship with my children and because I don't think she knows the impact she has on other people. Perhaps I should say she is delusional rather than a liar.

Recently, she has told lies about my eldest step daughter. She isn't comfortable with how close I am with both of them, and thinks I am somehow taking love away from my own daughter (her granddaughter). She has told me that my step daughter told my daughter that she is ugly because she wears glasses. I just knew this wasn't true, and when I carefully broached my daughter about the subject she confirmed that Sarah had never tormented her about her glasses and had actually said how much she liked her new purple ones. She keeps saying I am harming my own daughter by showing love to my step daughters, and hints at this to my daughter (who seems to ignore it, thankfully).

I have ignored my mum's lies since I was 5 years old, but I cannot bear that she is now trying to turn me against my step daughter. My partner does not want her in our house (understandably). I have reached a point where I must say something, but it will probably mean I never see my mum again. Anyone with any words of advice, please help me, I am really struggling with this...

Thanks xx

[butterflymeadow]

Do you know you have got your stepdaughters name in your OP? On phone, so can't report, but I think you want to get that removed, it makes you and more importantly her potentially identifiable.

[bbqsummer]

She won't apologise or admit anything though, so not sure why you're meeting her tbh. She has a big pull on you doesn't she.

Even if she did 'admit, apologise and agree to change,' well, do you really think she will stick to that?

Why bother meeting her? Just cut her out if she is so damaging. You have cut their real mother out as far as possible, as she is, you say, damaging, so why will you not do the same to your mother?

[Hissy]

Alexa, you really ARE doing the right thing. Please confide in your H, trust his judgement.

Please trust us too. We know what you're contemplating, and we know how hard a decision it is to make.

You are the only hope your Daughters (both own AND step) have of living as normal a life as possible.

You have to help them. Don't negotiate on your conditions, don't back down.

[alexa0304]

^Sorry, I've been a bit touchy about this, as you can probably gather. I've arranged to see her tomorrow, shitting it but will do it WITH explanation.

[Corygal]

I had no intention of sounding flippant. Good luck next week.

[imaginethat]

Sorry i posted before I saw your update. It sounds as though you have moved a long way in a short time and are resigned to what has to follow. You can be sure you are doing the right thing for your dc.

[alexa0304]

Squinkies - I know, it is very hard for her, and this is why it's even more important that she gets as much attention and affection as she likes when she is here. We've looked into it, when she is a little older she will be able to vote with her feet and she knows that we would love her to live here with us.

Imagine & BBQ, I have decided to cut contact with her unless she admits everything, apologises and changes her behaviour, and even then the contact will only be with my children and will be limited to having them for tea etc - no sleepovers. As she will never admit any wrongdoing this position is academic, really.

[SquinkiesRule]

Don't think of cutting off your mother as "Punishing her for past mistakes" think of it as protecting all your children from harm from what she will eventually do to them if you keep her in their lives. They are the ones who need the protection, your mother is an adult, if she can't keep it civil then she is choosing to not be a part of all your lives.
I feel awful for your SD I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to live with her mother 4 days a week, knowing she doesn't really care about her.

[bbqsummer]

If your delusional and bad mother is having a serious impact on your step-children i think you should re-consider whether you should be having them when your mother is around at all.

Maybe also tell the girls' real mother that you simply cannot have them when your mother is around. Advise their real mother of the bad impact their step-grandmother is having on them? ie so that she can take steps of her own to protect her children from your mother?

[imaginethat]

I think you need to do for your dc and step dc what no one did for you, protect them from your mother. And you have to do whatever it takes even it if means no contact. I know this is huge, really I do. But you don't have a lot of options. Your mum gave you mental health problems and it is very likely she will inflict those same problems on her grandchildren and step grandchildren unless she is prevented from doing so.

[alexa0304]

Their grandparents are both deceased on that side. Her mum isn't actually horrible to her, just clearly finds her very irritating and makes it obvious that the younger is her favorite. I do have a lot to do with their mother, this is a very delicate situation and if I do not handle it carefully we may find ourselves having to go to court just to see them at all. At the moment she can stay pretty much when she wants. I was a bit vague about this as I don't want advice about it - it's clear what we need to do, and we do just that.

[bbqsummer]

The elder of my 2 step daughters isn't always easy to understand, I think she has problems as her mum obviously can't bear her and she has seen child psychologists. She is, however, very sweet and I try hard to praise her when she is good and support and guide her when she isn't

Where is their mother? Do you and your husband have full residency of the girls? have you tried discussing this issue with their mother? You seem to have no involvement with your step-children's real mother at all. Do the children see their grandparents on their real mother's side? They may have something to say to help you as your step-children may have discussed this with them.

[alexa0304]

Madame, I know what you mean. It's not as though my mum spends half her time at my house or anything, but the effect she has on the children is entirely negative, I think. It will be difficult - at 11 and 8 my DC are at an age where an explanation will be in order and at the moment I'm thinking that all I can tell them is the truth. I think they are mature enough to understand, and as I've already said they are very loyal and loving towards their younger step sisters.

In a rather uncomfortable twist, my mother has just today announced that she is moving nearby so that she can see more of us. At first I was horrified but then I realised that at the very least it will force me to take action rather than just putting her off visiting.

I am going to tell her the reasons, I've arranged to meet after work next week, then that will be it. I will confront her about the SD issue, and if she denies everything and is defensive then I will cut contact. If (unlikely) she apologies and accepts that she has behaved badly then I will look for her to have some limited contact with my family. I will never love, look after or pity her in the same way now I have seen her vitriol taken out on a small girl who is an easy target because of her mild autism, and who just seeks approval and affection (which I love giving her). I'm sickened to be honest, and so ashamed that my mum would do such a cruel and pointless thing.

Thanks to all of you that left supportive messages - I knew what I needed to do I just needed a bit of moral support to do it. My family and I will be much happier for the time you took to reply and offer any thoughts.

x

[MadameDefarge]

I mean, I knew I didn't want him to grow up thinking mind games and psychodrama were the norm in families. As I couldn't trust my mother to behave, I had no choice, in my mind.

[MadameDefarge]

I found it surprisingly easy to cut contact with my mother, who wasn't half as bad as your mother, when I just considered whether I wanted ds to be subjected to her nonsense.

[alexa0304]

He wouldn't get custody - she's not neglectful or abusive, and children of that age aren't asked for their views. He's a solicitor so has looked into it. Besides, we try and be as amicable as possible, his ex could make things far more difficult for SD and for us.

Corygal, I realise that for a person looking at this it may seem flippant, but this is my mother and my family and it is very upsetting.

[Corygal]

HAs your mum ever tried it before? Loads of serious attempts? Thought not.

Awful for you. But it's not the end of the world - minimise family contact, see her alone if you want to, control contact and communication.

[ImperialBlether]

You have your SD for three days a week but presumably she's with her mum for the other four days - the mum who can't bear her?

Wouldn't your husband ask for full custody? It is incredibly damaging for that poor child to be at her mother's facing that treatment and then suffering again with your mother.

I am sorry you've got to cut contact with your mum, but I do think you have to explain it really carefully to her and cut her off. I'm sure you know there's a high chance she'll make a suicide bid to make you toe the line. Expect it so that it's less shocking.

[MadameDefarge]

well done you. not easy. But the right thing. xx

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

It sounds like a really difficult situation... No route is an easy one from here, awful situation to be in.

[alexa0304]

Thank you, all good advice. Before you are too hard on me remember I am about to cut ties with my own mother, which I am more than prepared to do, but which is a difficult decision given that she is a genuine suicide risk. I am the main female influence in my SD's life, and my duty to protect her far outweighs any responsibility I have for my deluded, abusive mother.

I have not confronted the truth about my mother before because I didn't want to abandon her after everyone else has, not because I am weak. I did not want to punish her for past mistakes, I've moved on and have a lovely, close, loving family. I'm not cutting her off because she tells lies or because she neglected me, but because I cannot have her causing problems for any of the children. I'm very upset it has come to this, but the deed must be done. I've decided to tell her the reason in the hope that she will finally realise she cannot go through life lying and manipulating with no consequences.

[Grinkly]

I would stand up to her and say you don't want to hear any more nonsense from her and if she can't speak kindly don't speak at all.

If she is not used to you doing this you might be surprised by how her behaviour changes, she might behave much better, it's amazing how when you change your behaviour others can too, no matter how set in their ways.

If she is still a problem then tell her you don't want to see her.

[SundaysGirl]

Is it possible you have always excused and minimised because the alternative is too painful with your mum? That she lies because she is a compulsive liar, that she has no qualms about it, that it is a way of life to her and far more important to her than seeking help and attempting to build healthy relationships with those around her?

I was around a compulsive liar for a while and it took me a long time to see this as the ultimate truth. That for that person it was easier and more important to them to continue lying, no matter what pain they caused. No excuses, no 'oh had a shitty childhood' or 'its not their fault they dont realise it'....They DO realise the damage they are causing, they choose not to make changes.

Love and not wanting to believe someone can be that was are powerful ways we fool ourselves and avoid truths that are painful. Look at the facts though..she is more than happy to spread lies about an innocent child to further her own agenda.

Those are the facts..everything else is wondow dressing to avoid what that painful truth actually means.

[tribpot]

I think the other posters are right to call this poison. And frankly if I were your DH, I wouldn't be asking you not to invite your mum over, I'd be telling you that my child is not going to be treated that way and your mum could stay out of my house until and unless she was able to behave.

You can still see your mum (on your own) if you feel sorry for her, but you and your DH have to duty to protect your children. Particularly a vulnerable girl dealing with esteem issues caused by her own mother. She doesn't need yours as well!

[Mumsyblouse]

You sound like a great mum and your s-d as well as your dd is really lucky to have you, my own dd1 is a bit quirky and I know exactly what you mean that you have to look to their good and kind personalities and believe in them- you have done so well to create all this out of your own very horrible childhood, don't let her poison your lovely family- very limited contact is the way forward, I'm not surprised your husband doesn't want her around- she doesn't really love his own child! Protect you and your family, you won't change her now anyway.