How do I tell my OH I don't want children?

[lollydollydrop]

Hi all,

I am looking for some advice from others and especially those who have experienced similar to me as I am curious as to the outcome.

Basically, me and OH are just turning 28, been together 4 years and living together 2.5, friends since we met at Uni aged 18. I got pregnant 4 months into our relationship, and ended up having an early abortion as everything was wrong at the time- new relationship, living 200 miles apart at the time at other ends of country, but more importantly I was struggling with bulimia after recovering from anorexia some 4 years previous. The termination was the worst time of my life- and the 1.5 years after that when I became quite depressed and obsessed with baby names..I became very broody perverse enough, and always thought that one day, when the timing was just right we would have a family.

However, fast forward to today, I have a 2 year old nephew and 5 year old niece who I adore, but I do not think I want my own anymore. I just keep thinking about the lifestyle change and what my life would be like either way, and I see more negatives of having children than I do positives? I see myself happier without- I think. In part its to do with wanting to have freedom to do my own thing and earn my own money, I have never been very independant and struggled for money with low paid jobs, but I am due to graduate with a masters in December and I want a new life for myself. One where I can afford to treat myself to a nice moisturizer or theatre ticket when I want/need it, instead of waiting for a birthday to come round or my OH to treat me. I want a career. And I dont want to be an 'older' mum. I will be starting my career at 29 probably, and kids seem incompatible with that.

Also, with my history of eating disorders I cannot cope if I am unable to exercise. Atm I go to the gym 3 times a week, sometimes 4, sometimes 2 depending on uni deadlines. It kills me if I have 3 gym free days in a row- 2 is all I am comfortable with. Please dont tell me I need counselling- had that for 5.5 years with a consultant psychologist and I have reduced exercise from its worst at 5 hours a day, before and after every meal, to 3 times a week. I am ok with that.

But I want be ok at not doing that with children around.

I worked out that, to get my pre preg figure back I could exercize whilst new born was sleeping and should be back in shape within 12 months, but for the 2nd DC I would need the gap to be quite short so that the first will still be taking afternoon naps whilst I exercize in the lounge. See, its very important to me. But what happens when they are at school? They have to be up at 7am to get to school and me work- I cant go gym before then- and after work if I go to the gym by the time I'm home I will have missed out their evening meal and they will be in bed! Plus my relationship will suffer.

I am focusing on the exercise and weight as its so important to me and I cant change. I have had to miss the gym for numerous days lately and its made me wonder how I would cope with kids. I dont know if I could


Has anyone had experience of a. telling your oh you dont actually want children (oh really really wants them) and how did he react? and b. how on earth do you fit formal exercise into a daily routine with children? When I think about the future, all I can see is me being utterly miserable and trapped (oh, and fat to boot). Exercise helps with my mood, and I use it instead of anti-deps. Also with my weight as I now tend to overeat, especially when emotional or stressed.

Realise this is completely selfish and prepared for abuse, also not gone into much detail about OH which I will later, for now I have to shoot but thanks for listening xx

[lollydollydrop]

sigh

[cory]

I think there are quite a few things going on here:

a) first of all, though I do not doubt that you have come an amazing way in your recovery, it may be that you have still some way to come before you are able to cope with further stresses- and having children can put an awful lot of stress on you

I am not one of the parents who regret having children at all, but I do recognise it for what it is: a unique commitment where you have to be prepared to drop almost everything to deal with an emergency- so you have to be strong enough to do that without it triggering any kind of relapse

supposing for instance that you have to have an emergency caesarian- that would be weeks before you could exercise safely: could you cope emotionally?

or what if your child falls ill and needs you at home or at their hospital bedside for a week or two: how much harm would that be likely to do you?

b) secondly, it seems to me that there are still issues that need sorting out with your partner. Again, it is about making sure that you could both cope if life with a new baby threw something unexpected at you

what would happen about money if you were unable to earn for a while because you needed time to recover after the birth or you just decided you needed to be home with the baby?

who would be paying for things the baby needed- and later on for clothes, trips, educational activities for the child?

if money got tight for any reason, could you trust him to put his children first?

would he cheerfully pull his weight if you needed help- remember that once you have a child, that child needs looking after even if mum is temporarily unable to do so; so would you for instance be able to be ill without feeling guilty?

[cory]

I repeat: I don't think it's terrible having children at all: I don't even think it's that hard. There are almost always solutions to the everyday logistics if you are resourceful and willing.

But there is no doubt that the last 16 years have thrown up multiple occasions where both dh and I have had to put our interests and our needs on the backburner to deal with a child who needs us.

If you are both strong enough to do that unquestioningly and without losing it, that's the sort of thing that strengthens a marriage because you develop an admiration for your partner that never goes away. If one or both parents is unable to do it- that's where marriages break down.

[lollydollydrop]

Thank you for sharing cory, I can relate to how you feel. Re your point about the C section, yes I would be able to cope because I would not be in a rush to start losing baby weight instantly anyway- thats why I said in an earlier post it would take 12 months. I plan to spend those first couple of months taking it completely easy and just enjoying my new baby, and lose weight sensibly and gradually. I plan on doing less intense exercise, but of more frequent duration. I know my partner would support both myself and the child financially and emotionally, we are actually a pretty good team (comes down to his 50:50 thing) and work well together. We help each other out, take on extra responsibilities if one is busy/ill/tired etc and know our strengths.. OH is in charge of most of the cooking, as he is better than me and I never had a role model of how to cook so dont really know how- my mum relied on micro meals! OH has even said in past that he would be a SAHD if I wanted to. But I would rather take that role, I think, for a year at least. I would feel I was missing out else. We do need to discuss the money issue, I think it would work the same way it does for all the couples in our families- it is just shared. Mum doesnt have to report to Dad for what she wants money for, justify any spending etc. I think maybe I need to have a tighter rein on it/him though as we arent saving at the moment and I see no reason given his salary why we shouldn't. But then I'm crap at the practical side of things like arranging to pay bills and keeping on track of that- he's much better. I try and curb his spending or say we dont need items/to eat out etc! Getting super strong is definately a priority before kids anyway, and getting holidays out the way etc. I have achieved a few of my 'to do' list already, and he's getting more house trained too!!!

We may have a problem when it comes to nappy changing though... he thinks thats solely a 'womans domain' and refuses-half joking- to get involved. I told him- not joking- that if he didnt help out with that, there would be no baby! He doesn't clean the cat litter tray though, so we'll see... a way to go yet!!

[lollydollydrop]

I know- brilliant isnt it?!

Start with the cat poo, move on to the baby poo...

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

OP, we're all different but anyone who thinks something is a woman's domain is not someone who sounds like a 50:50 person.

How would he be a SAHD without changing nappies? That phase lasts 2-3 years...

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

50shades is exactly right about control vs kids and control might be more key to you than any specifics of the ED, the nap timetable etc.

[springykitsch]

Yes, I would think that someone who is addicted to exercise should cut it out altogether - for the time being, at least; a good long time. We all also need to eat which, as you pointed out, isn't the same as eg an alcoholic, because we don't need alcohol to live. Tis what makes an ED somewhat troublesome (but there are ways to effectively address it eg OA). YOu are basing your decision to not have children on the fact that you won't be able to exercise. Sounds like an addiction to me. eg an alcoholic who can't drink while pregnant.

It's an addiction you have, lolly - same as any other addiction. Excuses, excuses, backtracking, denial - that's how addictions go. Fine if you want to do that but those of us who are addicts will easily see through it, I'm afraid. Having a strop doesn't make any difference, you're still an addict. You could at least admit you're an addict and then, if you choose, not do anything about it. That's fine - only you'll get nowhere with your recovery, but that's your choice. Just don't go to extraordinary lengths to cover up that you are an addict.

[springykitsch]

Actually, I think you would blossom in OA - because at long, long last, you will have the tools to address your addiction yourself. Intensive attention from various professionals hasn't cracked it, clearly - OA really does address the core issues. YOu have to apply yourself, mind, and you have to want to be well, and all that that means.

[springykitsch]

Why should I go back and read your other posts, in detail? Why should I spend so much time on you? I'm not paid to scutinise your inner life to the nth degree. I am also not interested to scrutinise your life to the nth degree. I am only going on what you have clearly posted (and insist you haven't).

[springykitsch]

I think I've made it clear that I am an addict - but I know I'm an addict and I work on my recovery. I don't blame other people, or attack people who tell me the truth, or endlessly re-write my story (when it's there in black and white!!). It is mighty onersome when an addict comes along, attempting to drag the universe around with them, insisting anything and anyone support their addiction. It's dull, lolly. When (!) you get properly into recovery, you will know what I mean.

[crazyhead]

I don't think that you are misleading your OH, since you've told him you are ambivalent right now, and that is the impression you're giving us here. He knows what he needs to in order to make his own choices, which is right and fair.

It is completely fine to not have children. All I'd say is to concentrate a bit more on enjoying life for now if at all possible. You seem to be expending as much energy on worrying about your decisions as I'm currently spending on looking after my toddler. If you don't have them, make sure you actually enjoy that freedom!

[springykitsch]

Still here

[lollydollydrop]

crazyhead, I think a good part of it is my procrastinating from my University work! I will be glad when its all over and me and OH can go back to having a bit more of a life. We are planning a holiday abroad when I finish too, to celebrate! I'm so excited Get it in while we can!

[eccentrica]

lollydolly "When trying to help people in life or on here, I have the courtesy to LISTEN to them properly/read every post."

Thing is, lolly, I took the time to write two long responses to your posts earlier on this thread, and because you didn't like what I had to say, you completely ignored them. So you didn't even have the courtesy to acknowledge that I had taken that time (and this probably applies to others too).

I wrote in both of my posts about my own eating disorders and how I had overcome them, the first time I have written about them on this website (or indeed any other), and you chose not to even acknowledge them. Personally I don't find that very courteous at all.

You are doing a lot of 'talking' on here and very little listening. I think you would do well to listen a bit more because you are coming across as pretty rude to a lot of people who have made the effort to try to respond to you.

[lollydollydrop]

I apologise you feel that way eccentrica, I do honestly appreciate people's replies, and it was my intention to respond to everybody individually actually, however when I returned home I had such a lot of comments, and gaps in my story I wanted to complete the picture before going back to address specific comments/suggestions. I did not intend to come across as ignoring anyone, as I have not done so believe me I find the posts very interesting and helpful. Truth be told I probably should not even have posted the message for a few days until my current work commitments have died down a little, sorry. I did not mean to cause hurt and appreciate it is difficult to share, so of course personal accounts are very appreciated. Perhaps I am just a bit pre-occupied. And not with exercise before anyone jumps on me, but with work! I will reply privately when I can

[bouncysmiley]

It sounds like you are undecided and I would try and work out how you feel before broaching the subject because it may well be a deal breaker. Are you prepared to walk away from the relationship if he wants kids and you don't? If you are worried about practicalities of exercising then you probably won't have time for formal exercise I struggle getting time to shower some days but breastfeeding will get your figure back quickly and you'll become strong picking the baby up constantly and fit running after him/ her. Your life will be different but amazing with it. And yes I am biased!

[scottishmummy]

disclosing such significant mh experience will always be challenge and put you on defence
you do appear to still have food issues,this affects your judgement and life choice
Re the children issue you need to be transparent to oh,letting him go if need be

[lollydollydrop]

bouncysmiley I agree that there may be no point in talking about it properly until I/we are sure either way. It is definately a deal breaker. How old is your DC? Just wondering about getting time to yourself to do just everyday things like shower. I think you need help on hand at first, from either OH or parents maybe, to help with that whilst you set up a routine and things settle down a bit

[lollydollydrop]

scottish I am and always have been very open with OH, and I have never actually made my mind up either way, but if I did I know I would have to tell him. I think maybe we'll only know how we feel in a few years.. I don't think I have any worse food issues than the next woman to be perfectly honest, thank you for your post though

[scottishmummy]

it's not a criticism,it's an observation wholly derived from your posts
majority other women don't get anxious if they can't exercise
recovery is a journey,it's not a straight progression,well done on your recovery