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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Problem with sex

73 replies

Allinuse · 08/05/2013 05:39

Been in relationship for a couple of years. Sex life has always been very good and I have a very strong attraction to BF. We don't live together. All sounds great but he has an extremely high sex drive, mine isn't exactly low but it's not as high as his.

The problem is I've begun to think he manipulates me where sex Is concerned. When he stays at mine we have sex on average once a day sometimes twice and if I'm not always up for it he gets moody.If I call him on this he says sorry but that he's a typical man and they all sulk about it. I know that's not the case however. He is like a different person after he's had sex, happy, cheerful, relaxed.

I got home from work the other day and he wanted to go upstairs straight away, needless to say I didn't. He became noticeably distant, although he never says sex is at the root cause of it I feel it is. Often it will end in a big argument about something seemingly unrelated. Does anyone else have similar issues and how have you dealt with it?

OP posts:

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Allinuse · 28/05/2013 06:01

He is definitely NOT taking steroids or any medication at all.

He went on my iPad presumably because its better than his phone and didn't hide it because he didn't think I'd have a problem with it. As I said I knew he used porn sometimes and was ok with it because he doesn't use it in place of a real sex life and is great with me during sex.

I'm not really sure why I'm that upset now. I think it's because he's been staying at mine 2 weeks having sex every day and still felt the need to use it. I guess I worry deep down that he may stray if he's not getting enough and he has such a very high sex drive that tbh he NEVER gets too much. He is still raring to go when others would be completely satisfied

OP posts:

GingerJulep · 27/05/2013 23:24

I can be like this.

And so can OH.

It is COMPLETELY normal to feel and act great and relaxed after good sex. It is completely normal to feel a bit down if rejected.

Gender isn't really important.

And it isn't necessarily (or in my personal experience even mainly) about control/manipulation/whatever.

Some people have issues with those kinds of things, some don't.

Mismatched sex-drives may/may not also be an issue.

The two aren't necessarily connected.

Porn I'm not that comfortable with, I prefer to be the sole satisfier of my OH's desires and vice-versa. But there are plenty on this thread who have suggested they would prefer an OH who 'took care of himself' and, presumably, a number of them would be fine with the porn thing in those circumstances.

OP, it doesn't sound too bad from what is on this thread.

TheBakeryQueen · 27/05/2013 22:53

Is he on steroids? (sorry for seemingly random question)

TheBakeryQueen · 27/05/2013 22:40

Why did he look at porn on YOUR iPad? Did he want you to find it do you think?

Allinuse · 27/05/2013 22:07

I knew that he looked at porn but naively thought it was when he was away from me and I was perfectly ok with it. My issue now is how much bloody sex does he need? As I said we did it every day except today as I was at work and I find he's been on a porn site

It seems like he never gets enough

OP posts:

CaptainKirksNipples · 27/05/2013 21:56

You dont have a problem with sex. you have a problem having sex with an arsehole and that is normal!

DP used to do this without realising it. We were young when we got together and he felt like he was being rejected if I said no, and went in a huff. he stopped when i started sarcastically telling him how that stupid tantrum was so arousing I would definitely be up for it later. Or he could fuck off back to his mothers and wank into a sock in a single bed for the rest of his life.

We have had to work through some other issues but he now does less time at work, does the majority of the housework and cooking and would never ever have a tantrum again!

TheBakeryQueen · 27/05/2013 21:43

It sounds like you do have a problem with him looking at porn, and you know what? That is OK! you don't have to be 'cool' about it.

I've just read the whole thread & he sounds dodgy, hard work, emotionally abusive & like his needs are more important than yours.

I also get the impression that this is not what you want to hear.

I think his manipulation has had more of an effect on you than you realise.

Allinuse · 27/05/2013 20:11

Hi
Well just had 2 weeks off together had a lovely time, we had sex most days which I was happy with. Today I go back to work and when I get home find he's been looking at porn on my iPad. I don't have a massive problem with him looking at porn especially when he's not staying at mine but am struggling to understand why the hell he needs to look after having sex EVERY day for 2 weeks!

I now feel like I'm not enough for him and don't satisfy him which he strenuously denies and says he will stop if I want him to. I think that's unrealistic since I couldn't monitor him and wouldn't want to anyway.

Am just feeling a bit angry he needs that in addition to our sex life

OP posts:

Lazyjaney · 10/05/2013 09:02

I dont buy the Sex Offender, abusive stuff etc. Seems to me that the issue is mismatch of sex drives, and he is far from the only man who gets frustrated and sulky if he doesn't get it.

As time goes by this will become a bigger and bigger issue OP, so either you will both have to find a mutually agreed way to deal with it, or the relationship will become harder and harder going.

AnyFucker · 10/05/2013 08:22

Well, he is certainly offensive

Allinuse · 10/05/2013 07:49

Sex offender is a bit strong. He can be a pain in the arse and annoying but sex offender NO

OP posts:

saintmerryweather · 10/05/2013 07:13

so you also have a husband who sulks like a petulant brat if he cant get his own way?

LittleMissLucy · 10/05/2013 00:59

You know, he actually sounds like a sex offender. Its too obsessive and all encompassing to be remotely normal, imho

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 10/05/2013 00:04

No, it isn't like "most men". Men have no higher "need" for sex than women.

He sounds horrible tbh, his mood is dependent on whether he gets a shag or not. How shallow can you get?

OP, you can do better.

Selba · 09/05/2013 23:41

My husband is like this if he does not get to go out cycling !

Selba · 09/05/2013 23:40

Well of course some people are able to consider their relationship fantastic despite it not being perfect.

Allinuse · 09/05/2013 10:32

He doesn't fully admit that my not wanting sex is the cause of his silences. If I ask what is wrong he says nothing. I usually push the point and sometimes we argue about something seemingly unrelated to sex. Funny how his mood is all bright and breezy after sex though. Again he says that is normal, maybe it is ?

He does take care of himself also or likes me with him when he's doing it. I don't actually mind this however

OP posts:

sussexmum38 · 09/05/2013 08:50

Sounds pretty unreasonable and selfish. If you are not wanting sex he could take care of himself.

saintmerryweather · 09/05/2013 07:33

My ex used to be all sulky so id say to him that there was no need for that and we could have a cuddle. hed brighten up immediately then try and turn it into sex and ignoring the fact id said no earlier. sometimes id stop him and he would sulk again and sometimes id let him carry on just to avoid the sulking. i will never ever be in a relationship like that again, a relationship like that can never be fantastic

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/05/2013 06:31

I just remembered another incident with the one that sulked if he didn't get sex... (funny how these things come back to you). I'd asked him to back off and stop pawing me all the time because it was annoying. About a week later he 'snapped', disappeared off to another room, came back with some porno mags, threw them down and said "see what you're making me do!!!" Actually tried to blame me for him 'having' to use porn. Arse

Numberlock · 09/05/2013 06:13

That's not my idea of a fantastic relationship Selba...

Selba · 09/05/2013 00:03

My sister's husband does it He is not in the least inadequate and they have a fantastic relationship . She doesn't like him doing it and has told him so many times .

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AnyFucker · 08/05/2013 20:23

You shouldn't have to "cope" with it at all.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 08/05/2013 20:22

He sounds like an arse...be real with yourself..is this what you want for your future? and do you think he can or will change his behaviour?

Allinuse · 08/05/2013 20:21

No absolutely it isn't. I just wondered how selbas friends cope/ react

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