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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Domestic violence survivors: How long until you stop being scared/stop thinking about it?

53 replies

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 27/04/2013 13:32

Hoping to speak to those who have come out the other side and have moved past these feelings.

It's been a year since I left, and I still think about it every day. I'm scared every day and I cry about it frequently.

I'm tired of feeling like a victim and want to be strong. To be able to talk about it without crying, and live my life without fear.

Sorry this isn't really a nice topic for a saturday afternoon.

OP posts:

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puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 05/05/2013 11:00

Thank inneed, I really appreciate people telling me how their lives have moved on since.

I really hope that one day i'll have another relationship, but can't help feeling that it won't happen. I cannot trust men, and any outward show of anger terrifies me. I don't like the thought of ever sharing my house with a man again.

In the same breath though, I'm starting to feel lonely. I'm starting to notice the silence in my house. I'm hoping this is just a phase as I know I'm vulnerable at the moment.

Thank you again to everyone who has posted on this thread, you really are helping me

OP posts:

inneedofrain · 03/05/2013 19:29

and so will you one day! Sorry

inneedofrain · 03/05/2013 19:28

Oh Puds

I don´t know if what I am going to be able to say will help any

Its been 10 years since i finally got rid of mine. But it took another year of my flat being broking into, my flat being trashed, car damaged, him laying in wait etc. Befor I moved and only then did I start re building my life. Infact the first week I was at my house I came home for work to find the front door ajar and honeslty I was a sobbing mess on next doors step (who I had not met befor) and my lovely neighbour went into my house and through it to check everything was ok befor I went in. The door had simply not shut when I went out in the morning!

10 years later my breath still catches if I see someone like him.

I have a fab DH and a wonderful life, and so will do you.

Your not weak, or stuck. you didn´t let it happen to you (trust me I am the most unlikely person EVER, to have been hit and then to stay and let him do it to me over and over again, and much worse)

10 years on, it is still part of me (and will always be) but it does NOT define me anymore.

I make a point of talking about it in RL, I´m odd but I think that one of the biggest problems is that people in abusive relationships feel alone mostly becuase that is what their "partner" wants and in part because no one talks about it! Its not MY dirty little secreat and its his and the more people that I tell the less power it has over me.

Stay strong, its a difficult road but all you have to do it put one foot in front of the other, you have already come so far,

you are all ready a surviver.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 03/05/2013 19:15

Thanks Littlepea i'm trying my hardest!

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 03/05/2013 18:37

I am so sorry Puds.. It's awful!

Fantastic news on the CBT.. It's another step in your future.. Keep strong.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 03/05/2013 09:20

Hi LittlePea i'm fine thanks for asking

I have my first CBT session booked for june, so looking forward to that.

Still a bit sore from the other night, but otherwise ok.

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 03/05/2013 05:33

Hi Puds. Just wondering how you are doing?

dontyouwantmebaby · 30/04/2013 23:43

puds I hope you're okay!

you have done a really amazing thing by leaving him you know...I hope to god he doesn't try to worm his way back into your life! can't help thinking after reading your OP that it must be incredibly difficult for you NOT to feel scared and end up thinking about it if you live near each other and you still see him around.

About 15 years ago (!) I wasn't brave enough to wake up to what was happening to me and leave my abusive ex, he left me!! It took quite a few years later for me to realise that not having bruises all over my body was how it should be (I know!! Sounds so stupid of me). I like to think that I won't let anyone do that to me again (and no-one has). You can be strong, things can and do get better. I think if you have anyone IRL that you can talk to, that you feel able to confide in them about what you went through, helps. Don't keep anything a secret, that only helps the abuser and most of all don't blame yourself!

Hissy · 30/04/2013 23:24

Another one here too. Whatever you need Puds.

LittlePeaPod · 30/04/2013 22:29

Hi Puds. Just checking in to say we are here. When you are ready to talk. My thoughts are with you and we really do understand how hard it is. But believe me, it does get easier and better.. Keep strong..

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 30/04/2013 20:44

Thanks Yoni, I am ok. Just feeling quiet and tired today.

OP posts:

ItsYoniYappy · 30/04/2013 19:17

A few people have mentioned the dreams and I had it explained to me as mine were every night and making me not want to sleep.

I was told it's the brains way of processing whats happening to you in RL, even if you think you have thought it through, you may then dream it but then it should go. My nightmares subsided to maybe 1 a fortnight when I completely cut contact and didn't see or hear from him.

I said earlier he contacted me today, I didn't realise how him contacting me affects me, it was via FB, 4 messages and by the end I was shaking, crying and angry and sad. My ex accuses me of bizarre things to attempt to make me look bad, today was tagging him into some scan pic? I'm not pregnant, so no idea WTF that's about, previously it was sending hate mail, I offered to do DNA or Finger print analysis, he refused. I really detest him.

I went to lie down earlier and sure enough there he was trying to steal the boys in his car. (in my dream) I'm hoping that's it gone now and my head doesn't go over it again in a nightmare tonight.

puds are you okay? remember we are here if you want to talk

doubleshotespresso · 30/04/2013 13:24

Personally i began to feel safe when I managd to leave. The recurring dreams, no nightmares were a problem for a long time if I am honest though.

The truth though is the moment you remove yourself from direct fear, life beomes way simpler..... You will remain cautious for a good while and get edgy at times. But the positive and most important thing is that by leaving you are in control and the days, weeks, months etc become a lot easier and more pleasant.

Best of luck, and use us MN ladies when you need to!

ItsYoniYappy · 30/04/2013 12:10

I take it you're not calling the police Puds? Are you really ok? Why are you still around him?

I can't be around my X at all, he just sent a FB massage and it made me want to kill him tbh.

SirSugar · 30/04/2013 11:51

Despite having only two physical attacks (one caution for him) though much EA

Despite the fact that he actually died over three years ago

Despite the fact that my life has never been better

I still have wracking nightmares he is back from the dead and got me trapped somewhere

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 30/04/2013 11:03

Just to let you know i'm ok

OP posts:

ItsYoniYappy · 30/04/2013 08:06

Puds why are you still in contact with this man?

I used the word 'man' lightly...

Please call the police.

Hissy · 30/04/2013 07:40

you left this twat a year ago.

What he's done is assault. You will be heard, report the fucker. Please?

LittlePeaPod · 30/04/2013 06:02

Puds please call the police. I know it's not easy but is there anyway you could maybe look to move away from that area?

I hope you are doing as well as possible.

What an evil gucking bastard....

HansieMom · 30/04/2013 01:17

Please call the police NOW!

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 30/04/2013 00:32

The fucker beat me tonight.

OP posts:

struwelpeter · 28/04/2013 00:37

As others have said, throw what you can at healing yourself, finding your strengths and having them affirmed. It can be a long haul but it is worth it. See what is available in your area and try different things.
For me, I have safe people that I can talk to about my abusive ex, I have new things and new people who aren't part of that abusive past and when I'm triggered I can do those things, be with those people and it helps.
Think of it perhaps like a wound or broken leg that takes a while to heal. Perhaps you will get twinges for the rest of your life, a sense that some areas of your life are slightly thinner skinned than others but gradually the psychological scars fade and you begin to look at things with more objectivity.
Good luck, and as hissy says, MN is a fabulous resource

Isabeller · 28/04/2013 00:05

Can't read your OP without replying. I am ok most of the time now after several years but small things still trigger memories. CBT has helped make these easier to detach from emotionally. good luck xx

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 27/04/2013 22:05

Thank you appletarts

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LittlePeaPod · 27/04/2013 21:18

Molly great to hear that you are doing well and moving on so positively in your life. It's wonderful to hear such positive stories. However on a personal note i shared for Puds and others suffering this way. I feel uncomfortable with your request. I am not on the thread to help support your studies. Sorry if that sounds harsh. However you could start another thread and I am sure lots of people would be happy to share.

Maybe you could give a little by sharing information on how others could help their healing process through what you have discovered in your studies?

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