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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

for SAHM's?

78 replies

mummyof2kidsx · 25/04/2013 22:20

I just wanted to know what the role of a husband and wife should be. The husband is in full time work, the wife is a stay at home mum? In my house I do absolutely everything even when my husband is off... I really do mean everything... all he does is go to work. on his days off he pleases himself...

OP posts:
plantsitter · 26/04/2013 09:57

I am a SAHM. Although I do most of the housework (that gets done) and DH and I have a constant 'conversation' about who ought to do what and when, the work levels probably work out roughly equal.

Are you happy for your kids behave like this when they're older? Because unless you give him a massive kick up the arse or take some other drastic measure, they are going to treat you like a slave too. They are learning that the man of the house is the special important one who gets to have lie-ins and hobbies because his out of the home work is so amazingly important, and that the woman of the house's role is drudge whose whole life exists for the comfort of others.

His attitude is not your fault. But you can do something about it.

Do you love him? Do you like him?

musickeepsmesane · 26/04/2013 10:00

Are you hoping to get advice on how to cope with your OH? He seems to think you are his personal skivvy. This is not what the role between husband and wife 'should be'. Not even close.

PiHigh · 26/04/2013 10:02

I don't get this "I don't expect him to do anything on the days he works" crap. What, so you work 24 hours a day on those days looking after the kids while he does 8 hours in his job? How the fuck is that fair/equal?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 26/04/2013 10:03

Once more with feeling...

You should both have equal amount of leisure time. So if he gets two hours relaxing, so should you. If he questions this, ask why he thinks he is more important than you. He obviously values himself more than you if he thinks his free time is more important than yours.

How do you handle money in your house?

flossy101 · 26/04/2013 10:10

I'm on maternity leave with a 9 month old. I do all the washing, ironing and cooking, when DH gets home from work at about 6pm, we have tea, I wash up, he dries and puts away, he then baths the baby, gives baby a bottles, changes and puts to bed.

On a weekend we share childcare, an he hovers, bins and cleans the cars.

Lavenderhoney · 26/04/2013 10:11

Sounds awful. Does he take the dc out at weekends? Or do you do all that too? Being a great dad isn't playing with them for 2 mins whilst you clean then handing them back because they are wet or crying. Or just being a male presence in the house.

If you had the example of your parents I'm not sure why you put up with it!

If you tell him to shape up what does he do? Nothing? You'll have to think carefully. Like this this forever, or kick him to the kerb. What ever you choose to do, do you want to go through with either option?

I had a friend like this. She left in the end with the dc. He only noticed she had gone because the fridge didn't magically fill with food. Her dc never asked for him once after she left. They knew better than her he wasn't interested.

flossy101 · 26/04/2013 10:11

Sent too soon, your set up doesn't sound fair at all.

Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 26/04/2013 10:13

I deal will all of the finances, not through choice. I beg him to take over as we are in a mess financially and I just cant handle it. I just would like him to take some of the pressure. He's not interested in anything. For example in my mum and dads marriage my dad is atleast interested in things like the virgin tv package and deals with everything to do with that and also the electric and gas. but my OH just does not care full stop... I don't know really why I posted on here, just really to reassure myself that I SHOULD be angry because he is ALWAYS telling me i'm wrong

OP posts:
JacqueslePeacock · 26/04/2013 10:16

Why are you staying with this man?

musickeepsmesane · 26/04/2013 10:18

oh yes, you should be angry. very very angry. you need to figure out how to use it positively though. How can he tell you you are wrong when he doesn't even try? I think you need outside help to cope with this. Do your parents know how bad things are?

Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 26/04/2013 10:18

I put up with it because i'm stupid. To be honest it was only the other day I had a thread on here asking if we should seperate. I had a suitcase packed and everything. He came home and was talking about how he'll change and stop being abusive. I didn't even go into the helping around the house side of it... I didn't leave, i'm still here like an idiot.. He hasnt spoken to me badly for like a day haha but that is because he hasnt been here, he's been in work. I know he will start again but I made it pretty clear to him that if things don't change I am gone. So, i'm going to see how long he lasts (probably less than a week) and if he starts again... im off..

OP posts:
givemeaclue · 26/04/2013 10:20

Why on earth would you put up with this

Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 26/04/2013 10:22

My parents do know and they do not like him, but there is nothing they can do as I need to do this myself... they would be there to support me if we split up but I think they are just so tired with it all. This has been going on for years.

OP posts:
Flobbadobs · 26/04/2013 10:26

Yes you should be bloody angry!
I'm a SAHM and do pretty much everything round the house and with the DC's as DH works sometimes 12 hours a day. He does do whatever is needed at the time because he is an adult and can recognise that if something is in the sink it needs washing, or if there are clothes in the basket they need to go in the washer. He also usually has a list of little jobs that need sorting out.
DD2 has for some reason decided that 5.30 am is time to get up so during the week i get up with her and mainline the coffee. I catch up on a small nap later on.
On Saturday we managed a lie in till about 7, got up and he took all the DC's out for the morning while sending me back to bed. He brought me back a bacon butty for breakfast. Does your DH ever do anything similar?
Mine isn't in the house very long during the week but he still pulls his weight even when he's tired.

Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 26/04/2013 10:32

there is absolutely NOWAY he would take the kids out while I lay in... on a Saturday when he is at football i get up sort the dog out, sort the kids breakfast, dress them, take my daughter to ballet pick her up, come home tidy up and to be honest I go to my mum and dads to escape life... there I get help with the kids and all my stresses go away... when i'm at home I feel so stressed like my brain is going to explode... I cant think straight, rationally i feel insane..

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 26/04/2013 10:39

The reason I don't ask him to do anything on the days he is in work is because he works 12 hour shifts... but he does not have a hard job... he even tells my dad he doesn't have to do anything all day

OP posts:
FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 26/04/2013 10:40

Poor you. (((Hugs))) You can be angry of course. I think you know it is not on. With 4 days on 4 days on, there is scope for your H to help much more, but he clearly believes that he is above house chores. My DH works very, very long hours, but finds time to do readings/taking DCs to their weekend club/finance/admin. I do cleaning (not to great standard, and DH will help at weekend with heavy jobs), cooking, child minding.

You are working. Google the annual salary of a nanny to start with, this is what you are saving at least, not to mention cleaning, etc.

Given how long this has been going on, I would expect he would need a shock/ultimatum to change.

What do you want to do?

musickeepsmesane · 26/04/2013 10:41

It seems that you know hubby is going to fail. BTW you are not stupid. You are optimistic. That is good. You have a choice now, wait and see if the idea of losing you is enough to make him see the light or kick him out now. Marriage is supposed to be an equal and supportive partnership, you know this. Your parents are a great example. Its great they will support you. Keep a suitcase packed as a reminder to him. Shouldn't it be his suitcase? Wouldn't you be staying in the home with the kids?

prettywhiteguitar · 26/04/2013 10:42

Get rid of the man child ! You know that though don't you ? Honestly I had one once and the best thing I did was move in with my friend and her husband so I could see what a proper supportive partner does for you

You deserve better now go !

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 26/04/2013 10:45

OP, I don't even where to begin. Nobody should live like this. Never mind the housework - he's abusive to you? He's nicer to the dog than you? He obviously just sees you as his maid - there to do his cleaning and have his children, but he doesn't respect or care about you, or see you as an equal.

For what it's worth I've been a sahm for years, and when dh is home from work he helps with the children, he'll do bath and bed. He'll make the children's lunch at weekends, take them out to give me a break, help me clear up, empty the dishwasher, anything really. We're a team. I tend to do the actual cleaning and laundry while he's at work. when I'm not on MN And on the odd occasion he comes home from work in a bad mood and barks 'Have I got any dinner?" I say 'Please don't speak to me like I'm your servant.'

Do you even love him?

Shagmundfreud · 26/04/2013 10:49

I work VERY part time (about a day or so a week in total). 3 dc's in school. Dog.

DH has a very stressful management job and works long hours. He doesn't clean or tidy more than once in a blue moon, but during the weekend will put a wash on, stack the dishwasher, do a food shop, take the kids shopping. He cooks at the weekend too a lot of the time.

He's very handsome too. Smile

I am a shit housewife and the house is a bit of a tip. Don't know what I do with all my time - other than spend a lot of it tidying the kitchen for some reason, catching up with admin for work, feeling tired. I do recognise how lucky I am. My only beef is that he NEVER puts anything away, to the point of not even shutting a drawer after getting something out of it, but no one is perfect...

Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 26/04/2013 10:52

i have left before, before we got married, but i took him back and married him. it's my own fault. don't know whats wrong with me, my dad (jokingly) says to me i must like to inflict pain on myself... my house is just in a state at the moment... because i simply have so much to do I can't do it all. In fact i'm sitting on here typing this when really I should be cleaning! but I'm just looking at the house as a whole and just feel overwhelmed because so much needs to be done. I would want to go to my mums because he would not leave and it is easier for me to just go there... I would move out from my mums eventually but if we were to split we really would need to sell the house to get rid of the debt
xx

OP posts:
Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 26/04/2013 11:00

the thing is, if we were to go on holiday or on a family day out, or if we are sitting watching a film at night or when he is being entertained he is nice. BUT, this is only because I am not asking him to do anything. He is enjoying himself. I was thinking maybe we should go away and see how we are away from all the stress of the house, money etc but there is no point because he will be great. it's when he gets home and has to do ANYTHING that is slightly uncomfortable that he is just horrible. Even if its me asking him to watch the dog for 10 minutes.... the puppy is still not housebroken which is and absloute nightmare...

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musickeepsmesane · 26/04/2013 11:01

Sounds like you are planning your escape. I would imagine that it must hurt a little that your dad has said that. You need to tell your parents honestly how emotionally fragile you are. You are not the only person on here avoiding the housework Wink I am going now to do picking up, then hoovering. Should take 30mins. You want to join me? Might make you feel a bit better? Ironic really as being treated like a maid started this thread!

Original poster
mummyof2kidsx · 26/04/2013 11:01

do i love him? - when he is nice.. when hes not i loathe him

OP posts: