Telling the OW's husband?

[Autumn12]

My mother has recently discovered that her husband is 'in love' with a work colleague and wants to end their marriage. This all came about from seemingly nowhere and she is devastated. He is refusing to move out and so she is having to put up with him sleeping on her sofa each night whilst constantly texting his OW.

He is being a complete dick. He refused to give her access to their joint account until she sought advice from the CAB. He also seems to be telling her things that just aren't appropriate like how he is changing his hours at work to be the same as his OW's. He has always been a nice man so this personality change is shocking.

The OW is married with 3 kids. At this point it seems her husband has no idea that all of this is going on. So my mum and young brothers lives have been destroyed overnight but this woman gets to keep her nice little life. Would it be wrong of me to assist my mum in finding a way of contacting OW's husband to let him know of this affair?

My mum is understand my very angry and wants this woman to feel some of the pain she is feeling. I get the feeling that if the husband knew it might force my mums husband into moving out sooner and thus enabling my mum to start to put her life back together.

I'm just not sure if I would be making a huge mistake? My mums husband is constantly posting things on Facebook that this OW comments on. It's clear they think they are very clever covertly flirting whe nobody has any idea. I did actually reply to one telling them to take their sordid affair off of Facebook and OW quickly deleted her posts. So she is obviously worried people may find out.

[Autumn12]

Just a quick update for those of you who posted with advice and support.

My Mum has managed to get evidence of the "great love" affair in the form of an email. I have seen it and it shows what a nasty piece of work her soon to be EX H really is. I only hope that one day my brother comes to this realisation and stops idolising him.

Anyway, OW's husband will be finding out about the affair tonight. Part of me hopes that he goes and punches my mum's husband in the face, although I know that violence isn't the answer. According to the email OW is aware that her husbnad is becoming suspicious but "Hey-Ho". Glad they both have such a carefree attitude to destroying people's lives.

[Autumn12]

I'm not sure about the debts. I think she realises now that he is liable too even if they are in her name.

She has seen a solicitor, but has been told to wait 3 months before filing for a divorce as apparently many women change their mind once the shock has worn off. I think that's crap advice as she doesn't really have a choice to change her mind. Her husband is not interested at all. I do feel that is she were to file he would be made to face up to the reality of the situation.

She did end up telling the OW's husband, off her own back and nothing to do with me. She hasn't had any response though. OW and my mothers husband are still flirting all over facebook without a care in the world. I'm wondering if OW hasn't managed to persuade him that it's not true?

Interestingly, it turns out that OW and husband are well known to relatives of ours. They have told my mother that they can't see the OW leaving her husband as they have a son who requires 24 hour care, which they both provide. I do hope that this hasn't given my mother false hope that things would blow over if the OW's husband was told. I'm sure people do still split up in such circumstances, and perhaps for the sake of this son they stay together and overlook certain things - who knows?

[nomdesw2]

That is ridiculous.

Would she be in a more liveable position if she didn't have debt repayments to make? Worth taking debt advice from one of the debt charities?

She's lucky to have your support, but i hope yr able to keep some distance and not get too stressed about it all. M7ch easier said than done, i know.

[Autumn12]

Hi she already has had advice and she isn't eligible for housing benefit only tax credits. She would still be unable to afford to live.
She is going to have to cut her hours at work to take her under the threshold which is bloody ridiculous, but there you go.

[nomdesw2]

OP, you said somewhere upthread that your Mum cannot afford to live on her wages butthat she doesn't want to have to give up work and live on benefits.

It is not an "either or" situation.

In the event of her H moving out and her earnings being insufficient she would be able to claim housing and council tax benefits as well as tax credits to top up her income.

Get her to have a look at the calculator on www.entitled.co.uk . She can put all her info in and get an idea of what her true income post-split would be.

[Autumn12]

Lol no he wouldn't do that he'd just stay in his room and hope it all went away.

[DontmindifIdo]

I think if your DB is a rather immature 16 year old, then I wouldn't tell him, because he might confront his Dad, cause an arguement, get wound up about the situation and take the focus off his exams. You don't know how he'll react.

[Autumn12]

Not that I'm aware of Snupperline. My brother has been pandered to quite a bit though and is not the most thoughtful of people. He is also quite young for his age and has no idea about relationships. He has kept out of the way as much as posiible and has no idea about what exactly has been said. So I think he see's it as my Mum making a fuss and causing arguments while his Dad isn't.

I can't really wade in and fill my brother in on exactly what's been happening without seeming like I'm running his Dad down to him though.

[Snuppeline]

I too am sorry for your mom. I'm not going to repeat all the excellent advise which has been given here but I did want to say that I think your brothers reaction to his fathers affair is a little off the mark. I would be concerned that he does not care that his mother is being treated shoddily but that his dad should stick around at any cost. Could you not speak to him and explain that this sort of behaviour is not right? Sorry, I'm sure your brother is a lovely boy and he certainly deserves to study in peace. It just seems odd. Has your stepdad been treating your mother poorly over time so your brother is conditioned to it?

[LisaMed]

iirc you do not need forensic quality evidence to divorce. Your mother could try a visit to a solicitor and divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. A decent family lawyer will be able to scratch enough examples together. Inappropriate and distressing messages on facebook is a start. Then there are attempts at financial abuse (refusing access to joint account) etc. The marriage has irretrievably broken down due to the the behaviour of the husband. hth

[Lucylloyd13]

I continue to believe that telling the OWH is dangerous and unpredictable, helping your mother take control of her life the better course of action, and the easier one to manage.

It is perfectly possible that the OWH will have her back leaving your mother with a man whose exit route has been shut down and will try to effect a reconciliation with your mother.

OW and OWH live happily ever after- your mother and H do not.

[Autumn12]

I'm not sure how much guilt she will feel. Certainly not enough to stop the Facebook flirting only days after it all came out.

She has threatened to name OW in divorce but he maintains there was/is no affair and so she has no grounds for divorce. Does she need to provide proof?

[crossparsley]

and her own son can do his GCSEs without this stress

For me, that boy is the reason not to do this. He's not the OW (although it seems that your mum is linking his happiness with hers, understandably). He's another completely innocent person, like your mum, your brother and the OW's DH. Your mum's husband has decided to explode his son's world and I am really sorry to hear that. But don't help your mum bring another child's world crashing down. It might happen anyway without her or your interference. But if your mum has a conscience, and I am sure she does, she would regret doing this sooner rather than later.

Maybe you could contact the OW, let her know what emotional damage she and your mum's husband have done? If your mum really needs to feel avenged, guilt and shame -when deserved - always feel worse than genuine hurt, which telling tales would inflict on innocent parties.

[DontmindifIdo]

I don't think behaviour of either party makes much of a difference in financial settlements, so long as she's not vicious - if she was to keep contacting the OW's DH without him wanting her too, or if she just caused a big fuss, that might be a different thing, but just telling him (and asking her H to leave!) wouldn't be considered extreme behaviour in a divorce.

The big reason she needs to see a solicitor not just someone giving benefits advice is she will have a claim for herself, not just for child support. Plus if she's convinced the debts in her name will mean she has to be the one to pay them (and if he thinks the same thing) hearing from a solicitor that's not the case might make her stronger. Word it as "look, he's probably going to leave you once DB's GCSEs are over, let's go talk to a solicitor and see where you stand so you can do some more planning".

Another option if she doesn't want to contact OW's DH would be to get her to tell your step-dad that once your DB's GCSEs are over she'll be starting divorce proceedings on the grounds of adultary and naming OW, that OW might want to take the chance to tell her DH herself, rather for him to find out that his wife is being named in someone else's divorce. That forces the issue without your Mum having to be the one to make the call.

[HandsomeEddy]

Oh good at least there's some protection for her housing then.

Do you know if it has any legal implication (ie reflects badly on her when trying to make a claim on disputed savings/pensions etc) if she contacted the other husband? You know if they made her look like a psycho scorned ex out for revenge?

I don't know, but I've experienced something recently in another type of case when people's conduct surrounding the case was considered. Maybe worth checking?

[Autumn12]

I am having to talk her through changing her email password - a forum is way beyond her right now I'm afraid!

House is in both names.

[HandsomeEddy]

Who's name in the council house in? Legal help and protecting her money is the most important thing for her to concentrate on right now. I'm so sorry for your mum.

[badinage]

If she starts her own thread here, I'm available for kicking purposes

[Autumn12]

I completely agree and have told her all of this. She is a very dependent person and I am finding it a little bit frustrating that she is being so passive about it all. I am trying to help and be supportive but would also like to give her a massive kick up the arse.

[badinage]

Honestly the best thing for her own self respect and also her son's welfare is to get this texting, lovesick drain out of the house and tell him she wouldn't take him back even if he begged.

She doesn't have to mean that of course, although it would be great if she did.

But funnily enough, if there's any chance of this idiot coming to his senses and realising what he stands to lose, it will only happen when he loses his safety net. And while I wish more women would permanently dump men who treat them like this, I do know a few very silly men and women who've lost their heads for a time in midlife crisis affairs and who've repaired their relationships. But all of their partners got tough, didn't stand for any nonsense and only then did they start to 'get it'.

[Autumn12]

Yes nail on head Badinage. He is really staying because it suits him as he has nowhere to go.

[badinage]

He probably didn't discuss any 'unhappiness' with her because there was none, on his part at least.

I think there's another myth at large here too. That the presence of two parents in a house during GCSEs is requisite to good results. Even if there is tension so high you could take a match to it and even if one of the parents is being cruel and acting like a lovesick teenager.

What GCSE students need most is a place of calm and peace, not a warzone of seething resentment.

The truth is, if OW left her own relationship in the next few weeks, your stepdad would bugger off in a heartbeat, even if it was the night before his son's first examination. If your mum gets him out now, she can control the timing and your brother would have at least a few weeks to get used to it before the first exams in May.

[Autumn12]

It's actually a council house so she won't find anywhere cheaper, but I have told her to see a solicitor. I think she may be entitled to some of his pension which would help.

I don't think there's a chance in hell he will want to stay with my mother, but sadly I do sometimes suspect that she may be hoping for that to happen though she doesn't admit so.

[DontmindifIdo]

I think if the OW's DH finds out, it might not throw your step-dad and her together, but might mean her DH makes her chose and she choses him. At least then it might make your step dad realise what he's doing/risking losing - at the moment he's in control and has everything, his DW and family trying to make him happy, his affair for fun, he gets to decide what happens when - if the OW's DH knows, then your step-father stops being the one in control, and will be forced to face the mess he's made.

Personally, I think your mother needs good legal advice, and start planning for throwing him out once your DB's GCSEs are over. If she can't afford the rent on her own, give notice on the house and look for something cheaper etc. She needs to start planning for life without him - he might beg her to take him back and she decides to give him a second chance, but knowing that she can cope without him would be a good start for her to feel more in control too.