My sister called my DS a 'little shit'

[CantThinkOfAYoniPun]

We were at a family paryt. Lots of children, bouncy castle etc. She had brought some her her DC's ride on toys along for everyone to play on.

Her two are 1 and 3.

My DS1 (who is 10) was riding on a scooter and as he went past her she barked at him 'get off that!', he thought she was joking (so did I) so he pulled a face and scooted off, she then turned to me and said, 'tell that little shit to get off DDs scooter before he breaks it'.

I coldly said, don't ever call my son a little shit again, the toys are there for the children to play with, he hasn't done anything wrong.

Yes, she said, the LITTLE children, not him.

I told DH and we went and told both our older two (DD is 9) to not play with the bikes and trikes.

I am FURIOUS. The worst thing is, I childmind both her DDs so my three children share ALL their toys with them.

DS is tiny, by the way, he weighs about 3.5 stone and is 135cm, it's not like he's a great hulking preteen like some of his peers. The scooter was a metal one, exactly the same as my DC have.

We had some issues on holiday last year where they scapegoated our DC over things their DD was doing. They let her run around in a restaurant and I asked DD to go and get her, she cried and my sister really shouted at my DD. I don't think she likes my children and she's made it quite obvious.

How on earth do I deal with this? I am actually shaking with rage as I type this. I know that as a parent of younger children, older ones can seem very big and very other, but this was awful.

[cheeseandpineapple]

Is she older than you OP? She sounds like she thinks she can boss you around, maybe that's how it was when you were younger but she needs to respect that you're an adult and the playing fields are level now.

She also sounds a bit of a bully generally. Best to push back and take her up on issues as and when they arise.

Eg family event, she says don't come, your kids have been ill. You say, thanks for the input but I'll use my discretion on whether we come or not. If she pushes back, you can use examples of her hypocrisy and tell her you would not take your children anywhere you thought they were a health risk and she needs to respect your judgment.

Ditto your son playing with certain toys and around younger children, you can exercise your judgment on when he needs to be told off or intervention is needed and she should butt out or tell you if she thinks there is a problem and you will decide if and how to deal with it.

You sound lovely OP, a lovely sister to have and you're keen to maintain your relationship with your nieces which is also lovely.

You also sound like you can handle this tactfully whilst being firm and polite. I think she'll be surprised as it seems she's not used to people, especially you, pushing back.

Can you arrange to meet her to tell her you've been stewing about what happened and it's got you thinking about a few things and you'd like to chat to clear the air as your relationship with her and the girls are important to you but you think there are some things you want to talk through with her?

In terms of how she treats your children, she sounds like a very different personality from you, you come across as a warm and loving Aunt. She doesn't and I doubt she can suddenly turn the warmth on but she can be more respectful of how she interacts with you and your family and that's I guess what needs addressing.

She might also be stressed juggling things if she works full time which might mean a shorter fuse and being over protective of her kids as she doesn't spend as much time with them as she might like. No excuse but a possible explanation.

[CabbageLeaves]

At most family parties I've been told children have FUN. Generally the adults joke around and have fun too...sometimes using the children's toys. Some people feel it necessary to discipline fun out of a situation just to show who's in charge. Sad.

[CabbageLeaves]

If my sis called my DC a little shit I'd think she'd got a sudden catastrophic illness affecting her personality. It's an aggressive term and does display exactly what she thinks of your DC.

You may love her DC but at some point that relationship will be destroyed by your sis. I really would pull back now for your own sake and that of your DC. That betrayal will hurt you all

[VioletStar]

Agree with Cosmosim.
Keep the conversation about her reaction and the way she 'disciplined' your son. It's not about his behaviour (and I don't think it is misbehaving since he wasn't told that the scooters were for the littleys, before he started - how would he know?). Esp point out is that the way she thinks you should discipline her DDs if they do something that they didn't know they should not be doing?
Good luck - know its not an easy one to deal with but agree with other posters in that its best to sort out sooner rather than let it fester.

[ohforfoxsake]

Calling a child a little shit is awful.

An adult calling children names like that is horrible. she needs to get a grip.

[Figgygal]

Pull her up on it calmly like the bigger person then tell her to get a new cm

[Cosmosim]

If you speak with your sister, don't take the tone you are with the posters who think your son's behaviour was naughty. Obviously your sister thought your son's behaviour was naughty. Obviously you (and others there) disagree. But don't focus on that - focus on HER reaction to your son's perceived misbehaviour. You will avoid going round in circles with her and keep the conversation on her wrongdoing. Ask if she would be comfortable you disciplining her children in a similar fashion. There does seem to be a lot bubbling under the surface here but I doubt you'll get her to talk about it.

[CantThinkOfAYoniPun]

My son was NOT being naughty.

We were in a big hall, there were plenty of ride on toys suitable for all ages, he wasn't whizzing around like a demon, he was scooting along. Prior to this he had been gently bouncing his 18mo brother on the bouncy castle, he's very aware of smaller children being around.

And honestly, even it you think he was naughty, you can't think screeching at him and then calling him names was the right thing to do?

I'm not one of those parents who thinks their child is an angel, he can be a proper grotter, but on this occasion he wasn't doing anything wrong.

[pumpkinsweetie]

I can actually see this from both sides tbf.
A: your 10yo was being naughty by riding a scooter indoors around little ones and maybe your sister was worried.
B: She was wrong to use such language against her own nephew and should have 'asked' him to come of it rather than yell & swear.

[20wkbaby]

I imagine that having children of 1 and 3 she looks on your children as huge and dangerous. Bigger kids can seem scary and unpredictable in their speed and strength when compared with little ones.

When DD1 was tiny I was frightened when she came into contact with 2 or 3 year olds. Now she is 5 and has an 18 mo sister and I am much less worried about DD2 as I understand about older children.

That was a horrible thing for her to say though and she really needs to explain why she reacted like that even if she felt your son was about to break something.

[beeny]

I think your sister sounds horrible and agree with Roopoos theory.

[Roopoo]

I would speak with you sister.
Could it be that her DD reports back bad behaviour from your DS to her from when they are in your care.
Just trying to think of a reason why she would have a dislike of your DC

[sashh]

I think your son was being a little shit.

What has something that happened yonks ago go to do with it?

[Haberdashery]

You know what, there are absolutely no situations in which it is OK to call a child a little shit. It doesn't matter about the rights and wrongs of the toys (though your DS seems not to have been unreasonable to be on the scooter in the first place).

[ohtobecleo]

Velvet do you think there are any circumstances that justify calling a child a 'little shit'?

I think it's irrelevant what the circumstances were OP, no adult should be calling any 10 year old that, let alone a family member. I would be fuming. And if I had so much as an inkling that someone didn't like my kids I wouldn't be spending any time with them - family or not!

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

Gosh what an unpleasant thing to say. No excuses, it's never ok to say something like that. I do think you need to be protecting your ds firmly, although she sounds scary, you need to ensure she doesn't keep showing how much she dislikes your children, not ok!

[ChasedByBees]

I get that you love her girls, but your DSis is potentially damaging to your own children and for that reason, I'd give her notice.

[CantThinkOfAYoniPun]

We're not going on holiday together again, it was pretty disastrous tbh.

I'm not giving her notice, I love the girls and cherish this time with them.

I'm going to speak to her about how she treats my older two though.

[LemonBreeland]

Your sister is a bitch and I think you need to cut down the amount of time you spend with her.

Why holiday with her? And I would be giving her notice for the minding.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Velvet

the point is, he was not asked to get off, he was yelled at.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

She should not have spoken to him like that in the first place, and then called him a little shit. Unnecessary and rude.

[Snog]

For the record I think there is no excuse at all but I think you need to ask the question of her.