if they hit you it's over? (trigger warning)

[TheOrchardKeeper]

Just out of curiosity really.

If my partner hit me, even once, no matter what I'd said or done, I'd leave. It's the end of the 'healthy' relationship once you've physically hurt the other on purpose isn't it? (or tried to emotionally hurt/manipulate/threaten them).

Not trying to be goady, just wondered how many people would give another chance?

I wonder sometimes if I'm a little too OTT about this issue because my dad hit my mum sporadically over a long period of time & while I don't remember any of it I've been told enough to know that the first time is very rarely the last,

Sorry if this sounds navel gazing. Just wondered if anyone else has ever heard of the first time being the last time or it never escalating?

[TheOrchardKeeper]

It's just very hard to convey just how much 'work' goes into pinning you before the abuse starts. That's the thing. Lots of posters get angry when a woman doesn't run away that very night but it's just not that easy. A call to women's aid usually helps as they can reassure you that you are actually experiencing abusive & it's not because you have too little sex & the house isn't clean enough iyswim?

My mum says she was an absoloute shell after she left our dad, having been a VERY confident bubbly person.

[Hissy]

Many of us who say LTB, can see where the ducks are beginning to line up, and where it all could, and given that abusers work to a script, probably WILL go.

It's not about projecting what we have gone through, it's meant as an early warning.

If you go into life with eyes open, it means you keep an eye on where the Exit is.

[TurnipCake]

This is probably worth a watch

[deliasmithy]

I would say it depends on context and what you define as hit.

If you take "hit" to mean a deliberate and directed action at the other person, like a punch, thats a severe loss of control/breach of barrier around doing that to a partner.

its so difficult to say what I would do when its hypothetical. A one off shove, and I'd consider working through it. An unintended hit, maybe some time apart and evidence of seeking help and change in attitude. A deliberate punch and I'd like to think I'd end it.

[bulletwithbutterflywings]

I always thought I would leave. I didn't leave until he threw me out, then turned everyone I knew against me. He strangled me - I honestly thought I was going to die (still have flashbacks), punched and kicked me on 2 occasions and just generally fucked with my head. This was only a 6 month relationship and I couldn't leave :( he just had a hold on me, its not as easy as ltb.

[Chubfuddler]

I tried to watch that clip turnip linked and I couldn't. I literally started shaking when she was describing the beginning of her subdivide relationship - the idolisation, the isolation, the threat, the creation of fear. She could have been describing me at the same age. It's breath taking. I thought back then in my early 20s that no one would understand, that abusive men are lager swilling louts who stagger home from the pub and start shoving the missus about. Not professional, accomplished, charming,good looking men like my husband.

Everyone also said I wore the trousers in our relationship.

Ha! What a fucking joke.

[TurnipCake]

I'm sorry Chub, wish I could give you a wanky virtual hug

[CabbageLeaves]

I was strangled until I thought I was going to die. In fact that comment has just brought back a fairly repressed memory. I'm crying. We then went out to the cinema. I was stunned, shocked, terrified and did what I was told. Life went on as normal. The DC were at grandparents so that we could have a night out. Had I not gone to the cinema and normalised things I'd have had to explain to my parents. I couldn't actually explain or admit it to myself. Life would have imploded. I was too shocked and disbelieving myself to act. Moment passed. Apology and excuses made. Still stunned I walked through the next few yrs until I left in a haze of misery.

When I did tell, people found it hard to believe. They thought it was a stunt pulled by me to ramp up sympathy in my divorce. Our outside life was normal. I'm a professional. I had no marks, no bruises. There is no typical victim of domestic abuse.

[CabbageLeaves]

I was strangled until I though I might die

We then watched Ali at the cinema. I don't remember much

Just those two sentences sum up the DA cycle for me

Abuse, normalised, covered up, disbelief, hope ....abuse....

[Chubfuddler]

It used to be a relief he actually hit me because I knew he'd be nice as pie for a few weeks after that.

[CabbageLeaves]

I agree with Chub about the two reasons which might make people deny DA is occurring. 1) ignorance 2) denial because it exists in their life

I agree with Turnip that ignorance is easier to deal with

[Branleuse]

i dont think this is a very healthy thread tbh. Advice should always be to get out, but everyone has their limits.

I have experienced violence in relationships that didnt turn to abuse, even though the act at the time was certainly abusive.

Noone has the right to make you afraid

[deliasmithy]

Chub - in some instances I have been one of those people where I have felt theres been an overly strong reaction to someone's post.

My reason for that is:

Some of the posts are incredibly direct and go straight to telling the OP to leave. Some people respond to this well. I think sometimes this could be put in a better way.

I dont have an EA relationship. I believe I am not in denial about this having seen and taken on board material from things like Freedom programme and Choices, read about it, etc.

That said, and this goes back to another of my frustrations with all this, id be lying if I said id never demonstrated any abusive behaviour ever. So would most people.
A couple of times I've shouted in the past.
We (the OH and I) had to both learn how to have healthy disputes not arguments. The key here is we both admitted these behaviours and were open to working on them. Not that it was easy.

I guess my point is that people who want to change can, with the right support.

I wouldn't judge or have any expectations however, as to whether that involved the support of a partner or not.

[deliasmithy]

And for clarification, my response to Chub is not intended as a response to those saying they have suffered a high level of abuse over a long or short time.

Just to reiterate my comment at the beginning of my previous post, I have only felt that on some. I have read on these boards some clearly worry ing situation s indeed.

[Chubfuddler]

But no one on MN has ever told anyone to leave a good relationship because of one argument. That has never happened.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

Sorry if anyone feels this was pointless/too upsetting.

Sorry to hear all your stories.

I just wanted to know if I was being blind to my own 'agenda' as it were when posting on relationships & if I should maybe tone it down a bit iyswim. It's hard to tell when it's something you feel very strongly about/have been affected by it.

[FiftyShadesofTurkeyGravy]

(marking place - helpful thread....)

[Chubfuddler]

I don't think the thread has been unhelpful or unhealthy. I think the more we talk about these issues the better actually.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

^ I didn't mean it to take this direction necessarily but surely if anyone in the early stages read this it might help?

And it's got a few good points on why women often don't leave straight away (or at all) & how it's quite a slow process & can literally happen to anyone.

(I do think there's a bit of a misleading picture painted about the working-class bloke who drinks too much & occasionally hits his OH. It really isn't like that)

[TheOrchardKeeper]

(If anyone's watched this then they'll know what I'm getting at. Would advise you don't watch that film if you're easily triggered but it is VERY useful if you've never experienced it and is food for thought)

[waltermittymissus]

It's all well and good coming on to threads and saying that one hit/punch/shove is not abuse.

However, in most cases (and especially here) that act of physical violence is a symptom of systematic domestic abuse. In a lot of cases, it happens after a long period of EA because the abuser knows then that his victim won't just up and leave.

He'll have squashed her confidence enough to ensure that doesn't happen.

I would rather tell a million women to LTB and be wrong about ten of them!

It would do well, I think, for certain posters to remember that people on here respond to a variety of signs; treatment, language, communication, finances etc as well as any sort of violence when advising OPs because they know what they're seeing.

Sadly, sometimes it's textbook.

I've never seen a LTB for "my DH is so amazing and treats me with love and respect but last night I was screaming in his face for three hours and he moved me out of the way so he could leave", for example.

Posters are always very careful, IMO, to get to the root of the circumstances.

[CabbageLeaves]

The thread has been upsetting because one sentence triggered my memory. However I would still want the thread to stand because I think it exposes a lot of the myths, misunderstanding that means domestic abuse goes unreported and is tolerated

I think most victims need to talk to people who understand, really understand as well

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I do think it's hard to find support from people who 'get it'

My mum needed the most support after she'd left & had to rebuild herself entirely but felt very alone because everyone thought she was fine. After all, she'd LTB hadn't she...?

Am sorry if anyone has felt it's unnecessarily upsetting though.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Yes, I agree with Chub that the more we talk about these issues the more we help each other, especially for people living in what they feel are borderline relationships. One thing I think has been helpful to hear is that you don't need sufficient justification to leave. Really, if you're not happy it's something you should seriously consider - even though I do know it's rarely that simple.

[Chubfuddler]

It's inevitable that talking about this is going to be hard for those who have been there. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try, if we feel able to.

I don't think for a moment you started this thread with the intention of upsetting anyone and I would be rather cross if it got removed.