It's all a mess and I'm just so lost

[ratbagcatbag]

God it would take forever to write very thing, my DH and friend sent some messages that weren't inappropriate but were getting close to crossing an line whilst I was in labour a few weeks ago. DH held handup, grovelled and friend was also told how out of order it was. DH went out tonight with friends DH, and she went for the last hr, I was so upset as I'm at home with newborn feeling completely let down by DH. I sent him ba few texts saying how upset I was, he came in drunk, md now it's all my fault, and even though he loves me, he loves me a bit less nd that's if he decides he wants us to be together. I'm sat here in tears holding my baby why he snores off some serious booze.
Don't know what I want really, my lovely DH back rather than this drunken arse that I got :(

[ratbagcatbag]

The deleted messages that he should have got rid of were the ones at the top as he didn't delete them, and I did accept the apology from him regarding this, Impissed off about the friend being in the pub with him and pleading how gobsmacked she is to get the texts off me when they were just flirting. She shouldn't have been sending him messages like that.
I'm with you on her being the main player, most messages start from her, I'm just worried she's bloody dangerous in the sense her DH let's her say and do whatever with no comeback and hopes others are the same, and she always comments how lovely and helpful my DH is, obviously she's not seen very drunk, twatty DH he's amazing with our dd, his older ds, he does housework, cooks etc, nothing like her DH.

[differentnameforthis]

Oh & I would be telling him that he isn't to text her anymore now & even go as far as to block her number. She sounds like she could cause you both some trouble.

[differentnameforthis]

Let alone her being a huge flirt, how can other men ask for an affair when she is married?? to their friend???

We only have this woman's word that these guys came onto her, don't we? So perhaps she made a play for them, they knocked her back (which any decent friend of her dh's would & should) and she made up a story out of spite (that they knocker her back) so her dh would "bin" them before they could blow her " cover", so to speak. It seems odd that all her dh's friends make a play for her...

OP, I replied to this thread while it was only half loaded, so didn't see your message with the conversation between the two.

I still stand by what I said about him not being able to know she would turn up/stay & that you should have waited to discuss things when he got home, but it does sound like there is something to hide with her "make sure you delete everything" message. I do think that HE doesn't have a great deal to hide though . . . Perhaps she messaged him a great deal more (you said about his phone bill not being excessively loaded with her number) with suggestive texts, which is what she thinks he needs to delete? Perhaps she has been the main player in this?

[differentnameforthis]

And I am sorry, but flirting is MILES away from an emotional affair!

[differentnameforthis]

So he apologised for the texts, after owning up? OK, he shouldn't have done it, but he put it right, going by what you said. And you accepted that? (genuinely asking as you haven't said)

Then he goes out with his friend, and his wife is picking him up, so stops for a drink. How is it your dh's fault that 1] she was collecting her husband? or 2] that she stayed for a drink? How was he to know this?

Why did you feel it was OK to have a go at him & demand he get home asap, why couldn't you have waited? Yes, I get that you were (are) pissed off, but you didn't need to bring it all out there & then. It could have been talked about calmly today.

I DO NOT agree with what he said. It could be anger that you showed him up/drink etc. However that is NO excuse I know.

[clam]

I think I'd be wanting to know what was in those deleted texts.

[Kione]

Let alone her being a huge flirt, how can other men ask for an affair when she is married?? to their friend??? I am totally

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Sorry but these texts suggest they were MORE than friends and that they have already crossed several lines - at the very least an emotional affair. The fact that he is putting her needs first and defending her is very telling.

[ratbagcatbag]

Sky - Dh's response to messages was correct, he admits they were getting close to crossing a line, recognised that and stepped back, he apologised so much, we had tears from me and anger and he wasn't defensive once, he just feels that that bit is closed and I'm irrational to them get upset by her turning up at the pub to give her DH and my DH a lift home and staying fir a drink, he says he couldn't control that, so me sending nasty texts felling hi to get his arse away from that tramp wasn't helpful, especially when she was so upset about what's happened. Grrrrrrr.
I'm pissed off with him, but for FFS she's definitely chasing in, after I spotted the messages, she text me about havingtheir house keys, I called her on the texts, wasn't nasty, just said she was bang out of order, the final fb message from her was, make sure you delete everything, which obviously he didn't. I pointed out if she's asking my DH to delete messages the day I give birth then she's in thebfucking wrong. Anyway as we'd got their keys and needed to deal with pets, there was no way I was asking for alarm code, so DH did, very straightforward, what's code please, she replied also matter of fact. Bear in mind she now knows I'm pissed off, she waited then until nearly midnight the following day, to text DH saying, if its a problem having our keys please drop them with another neighbour x, hope all is ok. Yet again trying to start a conversation, DH replied. It's not a problem. Should add he's shown me his phones bill and there are very few texts from him to her, a couple a week, tops. I'm not absolving him off this, I want to belt him, but she's seemingly making a play as well.
Her DH fell out with his best mate years ago as he turned up and propositioned her whilst he was atbwork, also another couple friend of theirs, the bloke has asked three times for an affair/shag unprovoked of course, but her DH doesnt want to lose any more friends so let's it go, flirty messages are nothing in his world.

[clam]

Sorry, but I don't like those messages AT ALL. They weren't flirty; they were acknowledging something that had been, or might have been about to be, going on.
You are definitely not over-reacting, although your h certainly is. He should be bending over backwards to make you feel better at the moment, not being on the defensive.

[skyebluesapphire]

sorry, but you have not overreacted to those messages. "I am here as a friend, but thats all now" - that indicates that they have been more than friends.

he is turning it on you and making you feel at fault, which is the typical behaviour of a cheater to deflect their own behaviour.

I have had a similar situation, my Xh was texting his best mates wife and they were flirting. i was horrified when I found out and blamed it for the end of my marriage, while her H says that there is nothing wrong with a bit of flirting.... because he trusts his best mate!! sounds like your H's mate is probably the same. They cant see what is under their nose because they dont want to.

My Xh also defended OW and accused me of upsetting her by suggesting that their contact was inappropriate.

The normal response and correct response from your H would be , yes I am out of order, I am so sorry, i will not contact her or see her again....

Have you shown her H these messages?

Please do look after yourself though, if you have a new baby, you need to be concentrating on that.

[Doha]

Hmm for some reason l am very uneasy about these posts. I wonder if the friendship went a bit further at some point.
The texts were not acceptable, flirty or not, your DH's reaction is not acceptable either.
The point that he is defending her and making you feel very vulnerable makes my blood run cold.
Keep an eye on him and her. Think there is more to it than he is obviously admitting to.
An her husband is an arse if he thinks her behaviour is acceptable.

[ratbagcatbag]

A flirty tramp, ironically I've had dh ex here for the evening who is an excellent friend, she agrees he's being a tosser.
He has apologised for last night, but thinks I'm being mean with regards to friend, he thinks it was stupid flirtyness and he has massively apologised for that, so therefore I over reacted last night. He's being/playing dumb and she's on the wind up, we went for a walk earlier and friend was returning (live across the road) they waved, I ignored, DH acknowledged. About ten mins later she went y us again, cue dramatic pipping of horn and waving, very exaggerated, problem is at the moment DH is convinced she's misunderstood and giving the woe is me story - you know my husband doesn't understand me etc. so if I accidentally run her over, DH won't be happy.

[Kione]

"I will be here for you but ad a friend now"
What was she before then?

[FarBetterNow]

How often does DH go drinking?

It might be something he needs to give up very soon!

[TurnipCake]

Oh OP, those messages indicate that there was intimacy between them, emotionally or otherwise.

Who do you have around to support you? I was in a situation a year ago with my ex and a female 'friend' and I always felt like I was being an unreasonable harpie, it wasn't until I shared everything with close friends and my mum that I felt relieved of the burden and was able to get some more support.

You should not be having to go through this, especially with a new baby. I'm appalled and outraged on your behalf.

[SundaysGirl]

Uh I would not count that as 'not that bad'!

Really sorry this is happening for you. But lets be fair if it was just flirty banter with no subtext why the dramatic 'everything changes now' bs? (BOAK btw)

She sounds like a bloody drama queen. And of course she is so very upset you are upset, funny how she is having all those tragic 'oh I never meant to upset her' conversations with your husband rather than you though isn't it?

Sorry but it sounds like she is enjoying the attention and he is doing the 'playing dumb' thing that men do when they pretend they don't understand when they bloody well do. He knows it's out of order and trying to turn it around on you so you are the problem is beyond the pale.

[ratbagcatbag]

Not that bad sugary, they were a fb convo that went:

Her - everything changes now
Him. Think I know what you mean :(
Her. You know exactly what I mean, you're going to be a daddy, no messing it up
Him. Ill try
Her. I'm always here for you as a friend but that's all now.

[Sugary]

What were the text messages like?

[Anomaly]

OP I am so sorry your DH is being such an idiot. I really don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think you need some real life support. If you don't want to speak to family or friends, consider talking to your health visitor. It is such a tough time in those early baby days and you need support not having to deal with such insensitive behaviour.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Even if you were being a control freak (which it doesn't sound like) you should be allowed some slack for having had a baby a few weeks ago. Your hormones are still all over the place and probably will be for a couple of months yet. There's nothing less rational than a new mother. But I still think it's not you behaving badly here, at all, at all.

[ratbagcatbag]

She is the one that initiates the conversations, over and over again, he just doesn't see it the same as I do.

[ratbagcatbag]

Friends husband lets stuff like that go as she's always been like it. I'm finding it so tough right now, I'm not normally a doormat and would kick his sorry arse to next week, but FFS our dd is just over three weeks and I feel completely distraught by everything. :(

[MadAboutHotChoc]

As the mother of his child, you should be loved, respected and cherished by him.

Instead he chose to have an emotional affair - see link

He is now being defensive and nasty instead of reassuring you of his commitment

[ImperialBlether]

Hang on a minute, what does this friend's husband have to say about it? Who the hell does she think she is, sending your husband flirty texts when you're in labour? Who the hell does he think he is doing the same and then saying you are unreasonable and he loves you a little less?

And CUSTODY? That would be enough to make me emigrate so he never saw her again.