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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I don't want to have sex with DH

53 replies

MrsWhirling · 29/03/2013 12:42

We've been together 10yrs, married 6, dd5 & ds months

. He has never had a proper job. Instead works only when one particular contractor - who is also his mate - gives him work. Sometimes he goes months without earning a penny but has never once gone out to look for work himself.

I earn a fairly well and have been lucky enough to have my parents look after my DD which meant I could work f/t and pay for everything.

Lately and as a result of some not so great news regarding my mums health I have been unable to accept the situation and have found myself increasingly feeling repulsed by what I now feel is his inability to be a real man, step up to the plate and look after his family. He became quite angry last when I again turned down his advances and accused me of using sex as a weapon. I was honest and explained that I felt like the man in the relationship and therefore felt turned off at the idea of having sex with him.

Today I am hit with the realisation that this probably means our relationship is beyond saving.

OP posts:

Report

MrsWhirling · 31/03/2013 09:27

Thank you.

Have a great day yourself xx

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 31/03/2013 08:51

Have a good day out with your mum and kids. Try not to beat yourself up over why you're with who you're with. It happens. And it's not that straightforward. Unfortunately they don't usually wear their 'lazy cocklodger - beware' t shirts on the first few dates.

To be that selfish takes skill and IME includes some attractive seeming characteristics as well as less desirable tactics that can be turned on and off as required.

MrsWhirling · 31/03/2013 08:38

Me, mum & the kids are going out for the day.

It's all well people saying why live with someone like him/have kids etc and I agree to a certain extent but there really is no point in me dwelling on that now is there.

I'm not stupid, I'm intelligent, educated and have built up a fab career. I obviously have zero emotional intelligence and poor judgement when choosing a life partner.

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onefewernow · 31/03/2013 08:36

He stayed out to 'reward' himself for his tough week with you and also to show himself that he is in control, not you. It was a reward for him and a vindication. and a punishment for you.

If you say that to him. he will reverse it and say you try to control him, not the other way round.

He has no reason to change.

The only thing which will make that man think twice is being expelled from the house, and even then maybe not.

It's your only card though,

The only thing you can develop to help yourself here are some boundaries and the only way to make a boundary meaningful is if there is a consequence to him for crossing it.

Lovingfreedom · 31/03/2013 08:13

He's behaving like a spoilt kid. I'd go out if I were you. If he's drunk after being up all night there is no point in talking now.

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 31/03/2013 08:03

What i really don't understand is why would anyone live with him and have children with him, sounds like he hasn't changed throughout the relationship.

Spero · 31/03/2013 07:15

A 'real man' - a 'real person' - contributes to his relationship emotionally, financially and physically, to the best of his or her ability. He does not let his partner shoulder the lions share of the hard work of keeping a family together over a decade and then get angry because she won't sleep with him.

The 'plate' up to which he must step is the health and happiness of his family as a whole, not just what works for him.

If he is ill or depressed he needs to get help. It it just sounds like he is lazy and selfish and had it mostly his own way for a very long time now.

MrsWhirling · 31/03/2013 07:15

He's not I'll and no history of depression.

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MrsWhirling · 31/03/2013 07:15

Just rolled in. Drunk. Spent the night playing poker apparently even though no money for his family...

Sorry how am I moving the goal posts?

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WhoWhatWhereWhen · 31/03/2013 07:11

What's a "real man" and where is the "plate" he needs to step up to?, stop moving goalposts.

OP, is he ill, does he have a history of depression?

Lovingfreedom · 31/03/2013 07:02

Looks like you've got a man child on your hands...what a drag. He's not going to be back for a while yet is he? Suggest making yourself a cup of tea then in a while, taking yourself, your mum and DC for a day out somewhere...if your mum's up to it.

Don't know where you are but it's a gorgeous day here...and would be better out making the most of it than sitting in fizzing and having the embarrassment of him crawling in in front of your mum.

MrsWhirling · 31/03/2013 06:47

No haven't heard from him. It wasn't unusual a couple of years back but not recently. I am speechless.

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Spero · 31/03/2013 06:45

I am not optimistic he will change. This sounds like he is 'punishing' you for daring to rock his very comfy boat.

I would be hard headed and say - you have six months to change, this is what I need you to do. Please let me know what you want/need me to do to make this better and i will also try. Otherwise our relationship is over.

Then if he really does love you, value his family, he will step up. But I am afraid it is 99% certain he won't so you will need to stick to your guns.

Lovingfreedom · 31/03/2013 06:41

Have you heard from him? Is this unusual?

MrsWhirling · 31/03/2013 06:37

Can you believe the twunt didn't come home last night???? Left at 8:30pm to have a 'quick drink' with his mate and hasn't come home!!! My mum stayed over last night so will know he hasn't come home too. I don't flipping believe it :(

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MrsWhirling · 30/03/2013 12:12

Thank you so much, it's really nice of you to listen to be honest. I'm not sure he'll ever change either but I suspect this episode will make us or break us. X

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Lovingfreedom · 30/03/2013 12:07

But you've heard it all before? I dunno...will he ever change? Sorry. Like I said no gems from me. You have my sympathy...and you are not being unreasonable.

MrsWhirling · 30/03/2013 11:59

Sure. I expect he will say it'll be ok, I have work in the pipeline etc

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Lovingfreedom · 30/03/2013 11:57

So something has to change. How about saying to him 'I am really worried. I don't know what we are going to do' and seeing what he proposes. Try not to come up with the solutions yourself...force him to think about it?

MrsWhirling · 30/03/2013 11:48

Even he can see that if my mum is no longer able to help with the child care when I go back to work, I won't be able to work f/t and therefore won't be able to afford our mortgage and bills anymore!

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Lovingfreedom · 30/03/2013 11:34

Yes I do have two kids. Tbh I don't have any gems of wisdom for you. I wish I did. I tried everything with my DH and he just continued to take the piss.

We talked and talked and talked. He promised and promised and promised. One of the last things I tried was to set up a list of 'rules' including time spent working in or on the house, applying for jobs etc. its not my style but thought was worth a shot cos I did love him and did not want to break up the family. Nothing worked.

He is still not working but lives comfortably (currently on 3 week holiday in the USA) financed by his family. They are not wealthy btw...this is his parents bailing him out and his granny's savings.

That's my situation though. If you can get your DH to see that he NEEDS to do something then maybe you will have a different experience.

Lovingfreedom · 30/03/2013 11:24

It's difficult to have sex with someone when you don't respect them. Once you start saying...well you're not contributing financially, you have a bad temper, you don't have much time or respect for me or the kids... I think the only way is to tackle it is to explore what is he willing to do to restore respect and, frankly, to be a more attractive partner all round. Getting angry and demanding his right to sex is not going to work.

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MrsWhirling · 30/03/2013 11:22

Hi loving freedom, do you have kids? I have tried speaking to him many times but it always spirals into an argument or with him promising things will change/he will find work/there is work coming up. It's funny he can sit still long enough to criticise me for what he sees are my flaws but the minute I start mentioning work/money he gets up and leaves or starts shouting that i am only doing this for the benefit of the neighbours!!I have thought about writing him a letter. I really am
At a loss. My parents have tried speaking to him previously, my cousin - he justs turns against them. His parents don't give a toss and his friends are no use either.

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GingerJulep · 30/03/2013 11:18

It sounds to me as though OP has had a niggling set of resentments, probably largely unexpressed, over the years about her relationship.

To stop wanting sex now there is a family crisis and tell her husband that way isn't likely to lead to a good outcome.

Many of us have preconceptions about marriage (I didn't think I'd end up as the main earner until I did - and, after long, and sometimes hard for both, discussions early on, it works very well). You can't expect revealing your own, and expecting your OH to suddenly change his entire life to fit them, after several years and 2 kids to go well.

It doesn't mean you can't both decide together to support each other in making changes.

But it does mean it will likely take time and calm, loving, respectful discussions.

Lovingfreedom · 30/03/2013 11:09

I had one of these. It cost me an arm and a leg of hard earned cash to get shot of him as I was married to him too, but it was well worth it.

Tbh he sounds like a waste of space...but I have been accused of saying LTB too lightly. Its just cos I so happy now and I wish I'd done it much sooner. Have you tried sitting him down and asking him what he sees as his contribution to the household and for good reasons why you would want to keep him on?

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