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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How important are labels within relationships?

33 replies

mildlyinsulting · 25/03/2013 22:57

Do people think it matters if someone is a 'girlfriend/boyfriend' etc once you're an adult?

OP posts:

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LemonPeculiarJones · 31/03/2013 22:51

Ah right. Was just the juxtaposition I guess - a link to this thread asking for a male perspective, directly followed by saying you dislike the man-hating on MN - did seem that way! But I stand corrected.

Well done on the long talk and tough decision. Never easy. I think you're being far too rather generous giving him extra time to mull over just how into you he is or isn't, though. But sometimes painful things need to be done in stages, I understand.

Thanks for updating.

mildlyinsulting · 31/03/2013 21:24

Hi lemon, I didn't mean on this thread-I am pleased people have taken the time to give their opinions-at no point did I mention that it was on this thread that I found posts as man hating, I posted a link to this thread as I was interested to know how a man would view it. Sorry if you thought I was dismissing the advice given on here.

With regards to ending things, after a looooong long talk I have decided to back away. If he gets in touch once he has made a decision it will be down to me to work out if he means it, if not, I shall take my time getting past loving him.

OP posts:

LemonPeculiarJones · 31/03/2013 10:45

Um, just seen on another thread that you've found the support you've got on this thread 'man-hating' Perhaps you just didn't hear what you wanted to hear?

I just think that people should treat each other fairly and with honesty in relationships, whatever the gender. Which includes being clear about levels of commitment.

Good luck.

LemonPeculiarJones · 30/03/2013 23:47

Poor you, mildly. How are you doing? How did it go?

You are indeed allowed to cry, rant to your friends (and on here of course ), drink too much wine and feel miserable for a bit. It's a very real pain, whether the other person was as invested or not.

lemonstartree · 30/03/2013 10:37

of course. Here for hand holding - sounds really hard for you [busad]

mildlyinsulting · 30/03/2013 08:23

Am going to end it today. Are you allowed to cry when it's technically not a break up?!

OP posts:

mildlyinsulting · 28/03/2013 22:55

I work full time and have a nearly 3 year old so not owner of a great social life I'm afraid! I do know what you mean though, I am happy in general, he isn't the reason for my existence, he does make it an awful lot nicer though!

OP posts:

boomoohoo · 28/03/2013 21:06

I don't get his problem.. If you're seeing someone and not seeing other people.. You're exclusive aka, Boyf n girlf! Although the length of his previous relationship means he prob isn't scared of commitment.. Just guarded.

I think u should back right off op, just to protect yourself. Be busy and fulfilled with other things as well as him so if he decides he doesn't want a relationship, you will still have been making yourself happy.

mildlyinsulting · 28/03/2013 20:44

Apparently it took him 10 months before his last girlfriend who he was with for 7 years and there was no child to take into consideration in that case. He has said he would not see other people from pretty much straight away, it is just getting to a point where I am in love and he is still scared.

OP posts:

LemonPeculiarJones · 28/03/2013 12:14

Hehe I know Gabaccia - decent of him to make his true nature so clear, wasn't it?

Gabaccia · 28/03/2013 12:02

at 'you've got my interest' Lemon! How pleasing that he revealed his twattishness so early and so clearly.

Gabaccia · 28/03/2013 12:01

Girlfriend is about the mildest, least 'meaningful' label you can get (apart from fuckbuddy...) A man objecting to you being his 'girlfriend', especially after 6 months, is a knob.

LemonPeculiarJones · 28/03/2013 11:56

Aw OP that's hard. I do think you need to move on. I too had a trampish get-together with my DH, we had a couple of months of sussing each other out and then decided to be gf and bf (ie exclusive) and we went from there. We were engaged four months later.

I've also been in the situation in the past where I was hanging around with someone who wasn't sure if he wanted a full relationship (or he said he did probably want one, with time, but not yet, we'll see etc......it was bullshit). The arrogant twat actually said, "All I can say, Lemon, is you've got my interest". What a prick. I ended it on the spot.

It always hurts at the time but you free yourself up for someone bloody wonderful.

ErikNorseman · 28/03/2013 07:47

He's stringing you along, he wants to keep you around without making any emotional investment in you. You ask about the 'rules' of relationships - they are whatever works for you so if you are insecure and unhappy without a 'label' (which really means a commitment) then you have the right to say so. Maybe not after 6 weeks but definitely after 6 months. And I'm sorry to say that if he liked you as much as you liked him he'd be doing everything he could to keep you around, not pushing you away.

mildlyinsulting · 28/03/2013 00:45

The thing is, I've only known him 6 months, we did the trampish get together first night thing. Normally 6 months after meeting someone I would still be undecided but he is kind of a big deal to me and I am way more attached than him. Think I'm hanging on hoping and it hurts.

OP posts:

LemonPeculiarJones · 27/03/2013 23:12

Six months?! Bin him off. I thought you were going to say a few weeks. If he's not sure now he'll never be.

Sorry

mildlyinsulting · 27/03/2013 22:31

He doesn't have a girlfriend who's not me

OP posts:

mildlyinsulting · 27/03/2013 22:30

It's been just over 6 months so not too long, I haven't really done the relationship thing for a while and forget the rules!!

OP posts:

mildlyinsulting · 27/03/2013 22:02

It's been just over 6 months so not too long, I haven't really done the relationship thing for a while and forget the rules!!

OP posts:

Scrazy · 27/03/2013 20:36

Cross post so he won't call you his girlfriend yet. That isn't good, ime and you might need to work out how long you are prepared for him to make up his mind. Sorry he is being like this.

Scrazy · 27/03/2013 20:34

If you are seeing someone and they won't define the relationship then it indicates that it's only casual for the other person. If you want to be in a proper relationship then you have to have the talk.

LemonPeculiarJones · 27/03/2013 20:24

Then it just means he's not sure how he feels about you. Hardly passion-inducing for you but honest I suppose. If a guy said that to me I'd feel 'on trial', as if I had to perform really well to 'win' his admiration/emotion. In short, it would fuck me off. Bit of a red flag. BUT that's dependent on how long it's been.

How long have you been seeing each other?

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Casmama · 27/03/2013 20:10

Do you mean that he has a girl friend that is not you?

mildlyinsulting · 27/03/2013 20:08

How about if he says he likes you an awful lot but if he has a girlfriend, that means it's for keeps and he's not sure just yet?

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 26/03/2013 08:36

Labels are not important ime, though they are to some. but its important to define what you are as a couple. For example, if your guy says you're a couple but wants that hidden from the public, alarm bells would ring.

If you're with someone who would rather not acknowledge the relationship at all, alarm bells also.

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