what is a cocklodger

[mummysaidno]

I think I have one

[SensibleCate]

Don't use him for childcare - ever
I did that thinking I was encouraging him to have a relationship with his child and he used to take my son straight round to any nutcase girlfriend of his who was around, dump him with her and go about his business.
I used to get calls from random women demanding i come and pick up my child.

So I stopped that and he took to demanding 'his rights' to see his son and would walk in and take him whenever he pleased day or night.
Then there was the time he didn't bring him back for 3 days and did not answer his phone, I was out of my mind with worry. I never got an explanation of where he was, my son came back with new clothes on and new toys and no sign of his old clothes or toys.
Then there was the time he decided to do some illegal minicabbing with my son in the back with the passengers
Then there was the time he decided to that to teach my son how to swim he would jump in a pool with him and hold him under the water so he would get used to it, almost drowned him the life guard had to intervene.
I could go on

Unstable nutters do not make good babysitters.

Don't let him get used to the idea that he has free access to your daughter, make sure he spends time with her with both of you present in a neutral place, not at your house - the park or a play area in a museum is good.

I agree, ask Uni about creche.

[Midwife99]

You may be able to get a place at the Uni crèche or help with childcare costs? Speak to student welfare.
He's a total loser. Def claim the measly £5 pw from his benefits from CSA. It might pay for a couple of hours childcare!!

[mummysaidno]

Thank you. Well he does not have a key , the last time we split I changed locks. I have not given him new key.
We do not live together, we did but the last he cheated I kicked him out. He now lives rent free, pays no gas , elec support to any kids an is on benifits which he spends on himself .
My dd gets a token present when he sees her usually plastic crap from some charity shop.
I am due to start uni in Sept , I did plan to have him as child care because I am not sure how I will afford it. However he threw a hissy just as I was leaving for my cleaning job and refused to have her. Apparently he was having a bad day ! Now I am gonna have to re think, looking at some nurseries next week. So expensive though.

[Midwife99]

Well said Cate!!

[SensibleCate]

Hi I am just adding to this.
Your cocklodger unfortunately does not have to pay maintenance to get access to his daughter, you'd think the courts and social services would take this as an indication of his disinterest, but no.
Today or over the next few days.....

• If he has keys, change the locks, it's easy to do, look on you tube for instructions. You could even swap the yale lock with a friend, so you don't have to buy a new one. Note: they need the same thickness of door as you.
  
• Make a record of all his texts emails and any kind of communication
  
• write a history of everything that happened [ I know last thing you want to do, but it's important, you may never need it, but if he turns nasty you might]
  
• Then start talking to people including us to find the best way out for you
  
• Begin to make a plan to get rid of him
  
• Look at what you are going to do for Easter, could you go away to family ? to stop him just turning up?
  
• Call csa and make a claim
  
• See if you can get back into therapy just to get some support
  

I know it's a lot to do but just having made a decision doesn't get it, you have to act, that reinforces your decision.
Keep talking to us, we totally understand getting into mad relationships with losers, we have all done it and feel just like you, as if something is wrong with our brain, there isn't we all have our low times, trick is to move on.

We are all here cheering you on !!!

[Midwife99]

If you have your house/bills etc sorted & he doesn't have keys (I hope) ignore the twunt completely I should. Go to CSA & get your £5 out of his benefits in principle. Then he can fuck the fuck off. You will be better without him badgering you to be his mummy too.

[SensibleCate]

Hi, I am posting some hours after your conversation. I had serious trouble with my cocklodger, also the father of my child, when I refused to continue putting up with his nonsense he got very nasty and to cut a long story short I ended up in Family Court and almost lost my child.
Don't treat this situation casually, these guys are professionals and don't give up a good meal ticket easily.
Take advice, get support, make a plan and understand the consequences, because unfortunately under the law as the father of your daughter, he has rights.
Thwarted cocklodgers can be the nastiest adversaries. I am not saying don't split with him, I am saying do it carefully
Sending you good vibes -have to get offline now, but get back to me if you need support.

[EggyFucker]

well done, OP

[tallwivglasses]

Well there's your proof then. A decent bloke would have offered to pay for food for all of you.

My weakness was 'diamonds in the rough' - those charming, talented guys who could be really successful if only they had the right kind of nurturing (poor lambs). One was abusive, two left as soon as they didn't need me any more and the last one cheated and is still not a Bafta-winning writer. They don't only empty your purse, they suck you dry emotionally. When I read the term 'cocklodger' on here it was a true lightbulb moment. Hooray for Mumsnet!

[mummysaidno]

Dp just said he can come an stay for week from tomorrow. I said I can't afford to feed you , I am struggling to afford to get dc food. He said " oh I won't come , make it easier for you " omfg . Mug

[Midwife99]

That's the key probably. I'm on my 3rd marriage after 2 abusive ex husbands. I've had problems in my current marriage & we separated last year but are now really working things out & looking forward to a good future. My childhood & how I was treated by my parents was the reason I kept choosing abusive men & didn't think I deserved better. I went no contact with them recently after a year of conflict & I have really changed since I looked at this issue.

[mummysaidno]

Hell yeah, had two years of therapy to deal with them .
Didn't talk to them for years after they sided with ex.
After hating him my whole marriage.

[Midwife99]

You will be ok. Honestly. How was your relationship with your parents as a child? Does that affect your choice of men?

[duchesse]

My sister was with a guy like this for 7 years. Best decision she ever made was the day she walked out. It wasn't easy- he made it as difficult as he possibly could- but boy was it worth it. He stole all her money and left her high and dry. He now uses their two children (now aged 11 and () as pawns in his stupid little mind games. Doesn't see any of his other 5 children, who range in age between 18 and 25ish.

[EggyFucker]

Personally, I think it would be best (longterm) for dd not to see him

He's a shite example of a parent, isn't he ?

Better to have one good caregiver, than two that don't work well together (IMO)

[mummysaidno]

I know . I just feel I left my marriage and feel straight into this shit. What is wrong with me. I am not in denial. I see what a joke this is and it embarrasses me.
I left my ex and have been single mum to 7 dc.
Then got knocked up by dp. Fab! Having said that everyone dotes on baby dd. Who is a gorgeous little nugget of lovelyness .
I just feel so stupid. Also I don't think dd will see him if it ends. He has never paid a penny towards her.

[EggyFucker]

You can talk to us, we don't know you

but love, you are not the one who should be ashamed of your behaviour he is

Are you going to end it for good this time ? Because you know, while you still have this waste of space in your life, all other decent men will keep their distance

and, like you said, you are effectively a single parent anyway

he is nothing but a drain on you

cut him loose...it's his problem if he lives to far to see dd

don't let him stay !

[mummysaidno]

This is first time I have told anyone. I am not scared of being alone, o am already a single parent. I support myself, would be better off not feeding him. I provide for my dd with no contribution from dp. One reason we drifted back was because he lives so far away , so when saw dd ended up staying.
I think maybe I am embarrassed to have fucked up , yet again. I feel like a fool

[Midwife99]

There is nothing wrong with you love - you have been treated like shit for the last 20 years by men & so it's really hard to assert yourself. You sound like you're getting there now though. You deserve better & so does your DD!

[EggyFucker]

Ok, love. Time to call it a day now

This is a very bad example of a relationship for your dd

Make sure that when you start college you don't rely on him in any way. Make plans that don't include him.

Tell him to stop coming around, and wrt contact with your dd insist he takes her at his own place to give you space.

All communications between you should be about your dd and nothing more

The yhing is though love we can give you pages of practical advice about how to end your relationship with an unfaithful cocklodger who is taking the piss out of you

But if you are not going to listen and act, then you have to accept that nothing is going to change

[mummysaidno]

Jeez just reading my posts back is cringing. Wtf is wrong with me ? I don't know why I am hesitating.

[mummysaidno]

We stayed apart for 3 months until he started coming to see our dd again. And again I have given him a chance. I am a Dick , I know . Since then ( 3 months ) he has been ok but has no desire to work or help out at all. He still has his own place an stays a few nights a week. Usually when Skint. Hogs my tv, eats my food. I think I want out. I am due to start collage in September, he was gonna have dd but I don't trust him to be reliable. I know I sound really stupid . Sigh

[EggyFucker]

Are you "together" (I put it like that for a reason) or "split" at the moment ?

[mummysaidno]

There's more. I took him back after him begging , he then left me bleeding in hospital over Xmas with a possible prem labour . He turned up as I gave birth to our prem dd had realized his " fuck up " I was so ill I let him drift in again. Found more sex texts when baby was 4 weeks and again threte months. Split again.

[EggyFucker]

Are you going to stay split up, love ?

Is this what he does ? Charms someone vulnerable, gets them pg and dependent and then discards them ?

I am sorry it happened to you, but it doesn't define the rest of your life

Stay away from him, maybe get some counselling help to deal with your abusive marriage and to assist in preventing you from choosing another no-hoper.

You can move on, if you drop him like a hot brick, and keep him dropped