23yr old in depressing marriage with 38yr old.

[adriaticsea]

hi Everyone,i just got to this blog while searching on google for links to kinds of advice.Anyway let me try and make the story as short as possible.

i met my husband through one of my friends husbands and in the beginning we got on well despite our age diferrence,he was 35 and i 20.He treated me nice with respect and adoration.I knew he had a kid but it was ok for me as i love children.
I forgot to say he is italian and so after one year we married and moved to italy 50min from rome.i was really excited and was almost sure my life was going to be like a fairytale as i arrived in the late summer and it was so magical.this was 2011.
Fastforward.i ve been here two years and am always alone except for two fellow foregniers,both are 30 and 35 respectively.We live in the same town and both of them are equally depressed so i can hardly see the other side of the coin when it comes to advice.sorry if my post is long :)

When i met my husband,i was at school,one of the best as i was determined to get a education and be a sucessful woman,i was happy and felt i had my whole life ahead of me.i left school in the middle bse he said i would continue in italy(turned out to be a lie).Now for two years i spend most of the day in the house as people where i live dont really accept foregneirners(as anyone who has lived,not visited,but lived in italy can attest to that) so am lonely most of the day,i dont go to school,i have no friends,i dont go to any hobbies,not bse i dont want to but bse it isnt possible.i wake up every morning prepare his son for school clean the house and switch the tv on.This is my life everyday.
I just feel tired and fed up and unhappy and depressed all together.i feel like a housemaid as his whole family doesnt even make an effort to get closer to me,also his 5 yr old son treats me with utter disrespect dispite the fact that am so nice and loving torwards him.
My whole family thinks i should leave,but am confused.i really want to leave as i see no future neither true happiness for myself.what do you guys think ?has anyone been in this situation ?

sorry again for the long post.

[LeslieWrinkle]

Hope u r ok . i fled my x , but from the uk to my home. i told the hv b4 i left but i kbew i could trust her and she was so incredibly kind and suppirtive.... i was older too. a tear just rolled off my cheek there think of somebody going through what i went through but a decade younger. u will put this behind u.

[LarkinSky]

Good luck OP, let us know when you're safe. I repeat the advice to go to the British Embassy in Rome if you need to; the staff there are specially trained in helping British Nationals in your exact situation. If you need it, they will loan you money (cash or book a flight for you) and give you an emergency passport.

If you have doubts about leaving your H, it's best you are able to have a good long think about your marriage in the safety of your own family in the UK, you'll have a better perspective then.

[Timetoask]

Good luck Op!
You are being very brave. I am excited for you and your new life.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Taxi... Call a cab, sling your stuff in the back and head for the airport. Specify 'Rome' vaguely but don't tell the cab company the exact destination until you're out of town. Just in case the family have links.

[Darkesteyes]

OP i know where you are coming from (Italian mother British father) and the Italian culture is VERY mysogynistic. Basically all decisions are made by the male but if something goes wrong its the females fault.
my DM has very fixed ideas about the way women should be and what they have to sacrifice for their masters. I was last in Italy 30 years ago as a child and me and my young female cousin were kept indoors to do washing up while my dB and male cousins got to play in an old broken down car outside.
My DM blamed the victims of Saviles abuse rather than savile himself saying they should have been ashamed to talk about it in public.
I have NO intention of visiting that country as an adult and i never will. im sure that there are very nice people there but my experiences (including 2 very close calls with entitled italian males when i was ten and sixteen) were not good. Please get away. He is abusive and controlling and in my experience it seems to be a trait of that culture.

[izzyizin]

What nationality are you?

There's no way you can confront him with a ticket in your hand - he'll simply tear it up and make sure you can't leave. You're going to have to use extreme care and caution and only tell you've left for good after you're safe with friends/family in another country.

How far are you from the airport you would use to leave Italy? And how far are you from the bus stop nearest to your home?

Will the bus take you all the way to the airport or will you need to change buses/catch a train?

[ZZZenAgain]

Does he have your passport?

Look, do not tell him you are leaving. Seriously I know you feel you have to do this but don't. THis is a really, really bad idea. You know a couple of people you said also expats, so tell him you are going to spend the morning with one of them and get your hair done or she is teaching you to bake a particular cake or whatever he permits. Leave with a small bag. No one will suspect anything.

If he has your passport (WTAF?), you need to get in touch with your embassy or you can leave by train. Take the train to your friend in Belgium and see the embassy there. Your parents could drive to Belgium and pick you up.

Call him when you have left the country.

[starfishmummy]

I don't think any one has said it yet but do make sure he can't find your internet history and this thread

[LeslieWrinkle]

ps just to repeat what others have said. A handbag is enough. Don't get too hung up on your things. they will anchor you to this situation. walk away from the things you 'own' in this life.

I walked away from every possession I had 7 years ago. I can tell you now, it'd be hard to remember one thing that I wish I still had.

[LeslieWrinkle]

i agree with the carry on as normal while you plan. that's what i did too. I posted documents to my parents.

[LeslieWrinkle]

Just leave. Don't tell him. My x attacked me when I told him I was leaving. You dont have children do you/ you don't owe him the truth MORE than you owe it to yourself to take the measures you need to take to put this behind you. l listen to cogito.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Don't you have a car?

[laverneandshirl]

ukinitaly.fco.gov.uk/en/

There is an embassy in Rome. Can you check bus/train times and just go for it one day? Could your sister/friend meet you there with a ticket home? Be aware he may try to keep hold of your passport so try not to rouse suspicion right now. The Embassy can give you a temporary passport if he does steal it. Stay safe.

[mummytime]

Okay. The very very first thing you need to do is find out where your home Country's Embassy or Consulate is, and make sure you know how to get there and their phone number.
Next do your best to get hold of your passport and some money. If you have anyone you can trust outside the family, let them keep some valuables/things you want to keep for safe keeping.

Do not tell him you are going. If possible carry on much as usual.

Is there a Western Union office you can get to? Would your father help you leave? Do you have any money of your own?

Can you cover up that you are leaving by making it look like you are going shopping? Meeting your expat friends?

If things get really bad get to the Embassy/Consulate.

Please leave soon but carefully.

[juneau]

Oh God adriatic I'm really worried about you now! I can't believe what a controlling monster your husband is

This site is great for advice, so keep asking if you need help. There are lots of women on Mumsnet who've escaped from abusive relationships, so you're in the right place.

[adriaticsea]

Simone last time i threatened to leave he collected all the gold and kept it in his office,so no,just two small gold chains

[adriaticsea]

@juneau That i think is the only way to get out in one piece,i had already asked to go see my family as i hadnt seen any of them in a year,but he said he would only allow it at the end of this year if we went to see them together.i insisted if at least i would see my sister in london,it then turned out to be a long arguement and he said no.i talked to my sister and she suggested i pretend to go home and then never come back.that will be i think the easiest way to leave.I know he will argue but in the end he may let me go visit.And that will be the end,i ll never look back.

[SimoneDeBeaver]

Do you even need a suitcase? Could you take passport, ticket, money in your usual handbag?

Do you have any jewellery you could wear and cash in when you get to London?

[DolomitesDonkey]

Do not get a paper ticket. Get an e-ticket sent to your email and then print it out at the airport or if you have a smartphone, show them on that.

Don't take a suitcase. A handbag is enough.

[Springsister]

Take a small bag, your passport, tickets and go.
Don't look back.
It will be the best thing you ever do.

[JsOtherHalf]

Right, so send a large parcel to your sister...:-D

[juneau]

Okay, given your living situation, how about your confide in your family and get them to "come out to see you" with the idea that they can then escort you home? Your DH won't be able to stop you leaving if you leave with them, surely?

Alternatively, how about you arrange a trip home to see your family. Tell DH it's for a week or two, then when you're safely back in the UK you tell him you're not coming back?

[JsOtherHalf]

If you have somewhere to go, could you send some stuff there beforehand via courier? Pretend it is a birthday present for a female friend?

[adriaticsea]

yes my closest relative is in london,my sister.can you believe i havent seen her all these years bse he refuses me.I ve indeed been so blind

[adriaticsea]

@cogito i think you are right,i ll just have to plan my exit and then tell him afterwards,its just that its a small town and people talk alot.if they even see me walking down to get a bus with a suitcase.so i ll have to think.Thank you