Hw to deal with a DP who sulks?

[Trinpy]

A bit of background: DH is 34, we've been together 4.5 years, married for 1.5. FIL sulks massively whenever he doesn't get his own way and MIL always justifies his behaviour and encourages their dcs to do the same. DH used to be as bad as his dad but through the course of our relationship has improved and now only has one minor sulk every 2-3 months.

He is in one today and it is very minor but its there and its annoying. He's at work today but last night he turned his back on me in bed and wouldn't show any affection (which is always a sign he's sulking) and when he left for work he wouldn't hug or kiss me properly. It might not sound much but for him this is quite cold. I've asked him if there is anything wrong and he's said no, but in a way that its obvious there is something wrong. I think I know the reason why he is upset but its, imo, nothing to get this worked up about and certainly not my fault, more to do with his own insecurities.

So, where do I go from here? Normally when he sulks I ignore his behaviour and do my own thing, but I just cba anymore. His problems stem from his parents putting him down, treating his feelings as though they were worthless and encouraging him to hide his problems. He is committed to changing and has matured so much since I met him. But after putting in so much effort to support him in making these changes I'm exhausted now and just wish he would stop behaving like this.

What do you think?

[MooncupGoddess]

What's he like in other ways, OP?

'And I control all household finances because he is crap at them' along with his comment that saying he felt hurt would make him look like a girl makes him sound like a bit of a manchild.

[laptopwieldingharpy]

just thinking out of the box here??do you have it in you to be a dominatrix?

[laptopwieldingharpy]

cant believe i just posted that

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Life lesson.... .you can't reason with a toddler.

(BTW the correct answer to 'Are you threatening me?' is 'Damn right I'm threatening you... what are you going to do about it? Sulk some more?)

[TheSilveryPussycat]

OP I was well into my 40's before I could act my own age when relating to my DF&M, instead of regressing to about 17. (Asperger's family, I think - at least me, DF and DB).

I suspect the crucial thing he revealed was that he was afraid you will laugh. So if he tells you what's wrong, and it turns out to be something that seems trivial or daft to you, please don't laugh.

[Trinpy]

hahaha laptop! I don't think I've ever tried

[Trinpy]

mooncup, he's growing up at a much slower rate in some ways but he is mature in others.

[Trinpy]

also I would never laugh at him if he told me something had upset him and I really don't understand why he would think I would.

[badinage]

"I'll sound like a girl"

How revealing.

In his world, that's one of the most insulting things anyone could call him.

In your world (I hope) Trinpy, it's not a bad thing to be female.

You did so well. But I'm as pessimistic as Cog. His issues seem to run deep and that comment alone shows that he thinks women are weak and yet he seems to expect the ones in his life to pander to him; you, his friend, his mother.

Aren't you fed up of having to mother this bloke? I can't imagine this is doing anything for his sexual appeal.

Men who want mothering make for shit fathers too.

[FairPhyllis]

See how he immediately tried to turn things around and blame you, OP?

He's not really on your side, is he? Wouldn't it be better to have a marriage where you are a team?

BTW, you know that 'throwing stuff around' is a warning sign of having an abusive partner, right? It's meant to threaten and intimidate you. That's why I was worried when you said he attacked your possessions.

[Trinpy]

I think he thinks that if he does things he/others consider feminine then he will be ridiculed for it.

Yes I get tired of being the parent sometimes. However, when he has to - like when I'm sick or something has upset me (except if its him thats upset me) he can step up to the mark and support me.

And yes, I know the throwing stuff is a warning sign. I have some experience of abusive relationships (not me, but my best friend has been abused by partners almost non-stop since she was 16). When I saw the warning signs I called a domestic abuse helpline (can't remember which one now) and they said he sounded emotionally abusive and there was a possibility of physical abuse. Basically to get out because it was only going to get worse. But I didn't want to leave him for many reasons and after a couple of months the bad behaviuor stopped and didn't come back so I thought maybe I'd overreacted or given the wrong impression of what had been going on (I know how that sounds, don't shout at me).

i know I'm drip-feeding here, but its taken a lot for me to admit that this happened.

[Earlybird]

It's good that you stood firm and let him know how serious things are. Next step: talk to him about counseling/therapy, so he has a clear path to get the help he will need to learn how to change.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

OP I took it for granted that you would never laugh (although sometimes if it's trivial-seeming one could be taken by surprise). All I meant was that if you can get him to tell you what he's pissed off about early in the process, he might discover and realise that his fear of you laughing is unfounded.

[badinage]

Don't worry about drip-feeding. Writing this all down seems to have been enormously helpful to you and hopefully you feel safe here to tell it how it is.

It doesn't surprise me that he can step up to the plate when you need looking after; he probably thinks that's a 'manly' task.

What bothers me more are his extremely old-fashioned views about women and their function in life.

What do you make of his late return last night?

[FairPhyllis]

Don't be ashamed OP. He is the one who doesn't understand how to have a relationship. You've tried to rationalise his sulks and tantrums because you're a normal, loving person and his behaviour is totally alien to you. But there's a point - which you may have reached - where continuing to rationalise them is actively harmful to you.

This isn't worth the risk. This isn't worth taking the risk of having children and him becoming physically violent again. What would he be like when all your attention is taken up with a child and you can't pander to him anymore?

I honestly wouldn't even bother waiting to see if he can address the sulking, because I think his behaviour is so deeply ingrained that it will only reemerge again at some point.

[Trinpy]

Wrt him coming home late last night, I think he may have taken his time on purpose a bit. But I do believe his story about stopping to help the woman. I did ask him why he didn't call or text to say he was coming home late. His answer was 'well you didn't call me either!' Er, I wasn't the one who was late home .

Telling him he needs to have some therapy is next on my list. I felt that that big conversation we had was enough for one day.

MrsDeVere - yes! That is exactly what its like! You're right, it is exhausting.

[badinage]

That retort about you not calling him are the words of a child who's been caught out by mum.

[Xales]

One of the best things I read on here quite recently was a woman who packed up and left the house while her H was sulking with her.

Shocked the shit out of him when he came home and his victim wasn't there to try and softly softly him out of his deliberate behavior.

You mentioned you feel you walk on eggshells. That is not good

[Trinpy]

It happened again.

He said he would leave right now. I said he could stay.

I can't believe I'm such a pushover. I feel like a fucking failure .

[badinage]

What's happened again. Another sulk you mean?

I'm starting to wonder whether something else is going on with him Trinpy. Are things a bit different this time to his usual sulks?

[sassy34264]

My dp did this. For years, we would have the 'what's wrong?' 'nothing' 'yes there is' dance.

I explained that it wastes days, when he eventually got around to telling me what was wrong. Didn't work.

Eventually i just said

me- 'what's wrong?'
him- nothing
Me- ok, nothing is wrong. therefore don't bother to tell me what is actually wrong in a few days time, because i have asked and you have said nothing, therefore you have invalidated your right to be in a mood with me and also i now no longer care what the reason is, so don't bother telling me.

that worked a treat!

[Trinpy]

badinage - yes another sulk. He magically snapped out of it though when I reminded him that we'd agreed we would seperate if he did it again.

Basically, he gets upset with me for 2 reasons.

1. He thinks he does all the housework and I do nothing and we live in filth and I don't give a crap.
   
   
2. That we don't have sex enough/I don't initiate sex much anymore/when we do have sex he thinks I don't enjoy it/variations on this.

[badinage]

So did the same pattern repeat? You trying to get to the bottom of what was wrong this time and then a long conversation about your faults and his upset?

Or does it feel different this time?

I'll come straight out with this. Is it possible he's having an affair and is inventing mythical failings in you as a wife to try to justify it?

[Mabelface]

Next time he says he'll leave right now, just say "ok" and let him do it. At the moment, he thinks you're not serious.